Page 3 | In-laws babysitting toddler while I give birth

RoseD198 · 2021-10-25T12:32:07+00:00

Hi all, I have a 20 month old toddler and am due a second baby at the end of Jan. My parents live two hours away, but in-laws live 40 mins away - and friends in the same town as us. When I go into hospital to give birth my husband is keen for his parents to look after our toddler (for obvious distance reasons we can’t wait for my parents to get here!) however I have visions of his parents being there while I’m moaning and groaning in pain - which I know I’ll be pissed off about. They’re lovely but I just know I’ll feel uncomfortable being in that vulnerable state at the beginning of labour whilst having them as spectators. I’d much rather my best mate come round and look after him (or hand over to his parents once we’ve gone to the hospital). Am I being unreasonable?! Basically, the last people (not unkindly) I want to see when I’m in pain are the in-laws!!)

cheeselover2021 · 25/10/2021 15:09

Once labour starts I think its reasonable of you to not want unnecessary spectators and to also have toddler out of the way (in the nicest possible way, you don't want to be thinking about toddler at this point and even if inlaws are there you'll probably have too still by the sounds of them). They really can't have your toddler at their house? Sorry, I find that a bit odd.

If your friend able to take your little one to her house? It will completely allow you to concentrate on your labour. Or call your parents as soon as it starts and get them to fetch little one with an over night bag in case it goes on for quite a while? And DH can go pick him up from theirs the next day once baby has arrived.

MissChanandlerBong81 · 25/10/2021 15:12

What amuses me is that many of those posting unpleasant comments about in-laws, will one day be a MIL to a woman on here!

I don’t think anyone’s posted anything unpleasant about in-laws have they?

Anyway, if I’m ever a MiL I’ll respect my DiL’s wishes and privacy when she’s in labour.

DoItAfraid · 25/10/2021 15:27

@Rosesareyellow

You shouldn’t really be groaning in pain unless you’re ready to go to hospital.

This is such a ridiculous comment.

Monsterpumpkins · 25/10/2021 15:30

You will be fully clothed op... You are being a bit dramatic about them seeing you in labour imo!!
Unless they have invited themselves to your home birth yabu... try and remember they are doing you a favour here!!

PinkSyCo · 25/10/2021 15:38

Why would you be moaning and groaning so much during early labour that you think it could turn into a spectators sport for your in-laws? If your pain threshold is that low, surely your ‘lovely’ in-laws would be concentrating their efforts in shielding your toddler from having to watch you writhing in agony rather than staring at you anyway? You sound rather dramatic OP. Ungrateful too.

girlmom21 · 25/10/2021 15:43

@PinkSyCo

Why would you be moaning and groaning so much during early labour that you think it could turn into a spectators sport for your in-laws? If your pain threshold is that low, surely your ‘lovely’ in-laws would be concentrating their efforts in shielding your toddler from having to watch you writhing in agony rather than staring at you anyway? You sound rather dramatic OP. Ungrateful too.

I know we have a lot of competition on MN but I didn't ever think we'd get to competitive high pain threshold levels during labour.

thetesdybears · 25/10/2021 15:45

Drop ur child off while ur in labour and u stay in the car ur husband goes in the house with the child 👍

I did this with my own parents and we had to drop her at 3am. I wasn't moving from the car!

EmeraldShamrock · 25/10/2021 15:51

Ask your friend to arrive first.
I had my second child within an hour, no signs of labour until waters went.
I wouldn't rely on someone 40 minutes away.

billy1966 · 25/10/2021 15:56

@Skeumorph

No, not unreasonable.

You're giving birth - you make all these decisions ENTIRELY based on what feels more comfortable for you, as that's in the baby's best interests.

The more comfortable, confident and not inhibited or stressed you feel - the better the birth is likely to go.

If your DH is decent and of normal intelligence, this should be a no-brainer and he should be automatically asking you what you'd feel better doing, as he shoudl also want the labour/birth to be as positive as possible.

A decent man is only 'keen' to see his partner's wishes come first when it comes to labour. Nothing else. His parents' wishes don't even come into it.

A man who doesn't think like this shouldn't be factored in at all.

He either supports you or he leaves well alone and lets you get support elsewhere.

100% agree.

I wouldn't entertain your husbands view on this.

Make your arrangements and TELL him what is happening.

Good luck.

KeyLimeFly · 25/10/2021 16:00

With your second baby you’re much less likely to be labouring at home for ages thankfully. Although it’s not impossible. Make plans for whatever makes you feel most comfortable as ultimately, that’s what will help labour along.

SunnyMustard · 25/10/2021 16:10

I understand your fear ...

When I was in labour on our way to the hospital we met our neighbour at the door. I awkwardly avoided eye contact and tried to hide inside my jacket while my husband did polite chit chat. hahahaha

I'm sure you can find a solution though – lots of advice here already – and whether parents or friend I'm sure your kids will be taken well care of and your integrity protected.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 25/10/2021 16:25

100% on board with how you feel! I'm due at new year and face a very similar situation, except its my parents, and they are an hours drive away.

I get on with them well, but I can't stand to let them see me vulnerable. DS will be 3, and after he was born they were no help at all. In fact, they offered to help often, but made such a big song and dance about when they could come that in the end we were begging for help, and they were still faffing about over setting a date to come. It really harmed our relationship, although I don't think they realise this!

EdgeOfTheSky · 25/10/2021 16:29

I wanted to nest on my own and was very fussy about having anyone within earshot: I didn’t want to hear them talking or to interact with them, or for anyone to hear my ‘huuuurggggh’ breathing.

So, I understand why you don’t want them around. It isn’t personal, it’s a labour thing.

But there is the practical consideration of your toddler.

Another consideration is that if they are at your house doing childcare, they will be there when you come home.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 25/10/2021 17:20

So often (on MN anyway) the parents of the partner seem almost excluded from the birth of their grandchild.

@Crunched Why would any grandparent expect to be included in the birth of their grandchild The moment in a woman's life where she is arguably at her most vulnerable? I have a son, I will under no circumstances expect to be included in the birth of his offspring - while a women who is not my child is presumably preparing to push them out!? If my son suggests anything that I suspect is not directly his partner's wishes I'll be sending him back to double check it.

I completely agree that (as far as possible) both sets of grandparents should be encouraged to form a similar relationship with the child (we've actually had my MIL live with us for a period of time following a relocation from abroad while she looked for a new place to buy here, she's certainly not excluded from our family life) but I wouldn't say its necessary for them to be involved in the birth to do that. When I gave birth to our son my parents came to our house while we were at the hospital to help out around the house when I came home (I was a lot more comfortable with with own mum dealing with my bloody smalls than I would have been with my MIL doing the same, for example). We sent my parents out the next day while the PILs came to see the new baby (PILs are within day trip distance, my parents aren't) so that they could meet him without my parents there and then had them back for a few days towards the end of my partner's paternity leave. So they both had a similar amount of time with the new baby, just a few days apart, and I didn't have to cope with having people who I am not super comfortable with staying in our house and using the same bathroom as me the day after I gave birth.

I'm expecting a daughter in November, according to my husband he has communicated a similar plan to his parents for this one and they are quite happy with it.

OP, your oxytocin levels will plummet if you are emotionally uncomfortable during labour and that will slow everything down. At this one event in your life you really can just ask for what you need - seeing as you are the person actually giving birth.

WoMandalorian · 25/10/2021 17:54

Why would they be there though when you're not ready to go to hospital? Can't you stay home the 3 of you until you need them? Then when they come in you can go? That's what I did with my 2nd.

billy1966 · 25/10/2021 18:09

Why would grandparents on either side be so presumptuous as to expect to be involved other than if they are specifically asked to help by the mother for emergency childcare for other children?

This is primarily about the mother and her partner.

Surely parents are usually just waiting and hoping for good news.

Comfort levels and wishes of parents of the couple really do not come into it.

FelicityBob · 25/10/2021 18:23

@Chloemol

Why would you want your child to hear you screaming in pain as you give birth? All they will remember is this child causing you to scream

What happens if your home birth goes wrong and you are carted away in an ambulance? I still remember this happening to my mother 50+ years ago, it’s a horrible memory that stays forever

Better the child goes to his grandparents, then they bring him back to meet his sibling

lol my toddler slept through my “screams”

Monkeymilkshake · 25/10/2021 18:59

I vote for your friend! If she’s nearer to you then she will be the best person to help.
One of my best friends lives 5 mins away and by the time she got here to look after DC1 I was mooing like a cow! It went very very quickly. I gove birth within minutes of getting to hospital (and it’s not a long drive at all)!

Grapewrath · 25/10/2021 19:07

You should do whatever is most comfortable and appropriate for you as a labouring woman. Having your friend to mind LO until you go to hospital sounds sensible- most women wouldn’t want their ILs to see them in a vulnerable state (unless they are very close which clearly you are not).
Go with what makes you feel most happy and relaxed, you are giving birth and not there to placate anyone else.

SeasonFinale · 25/10/2021 19:17

Go with the friend and say it is OK the basis that it may be in the middle of the night.

I actually did this for a friend and when it was clear she was staying in for a couple of days her ILS collected their son from me tontake back to theirs to look after when they son was in hospital with friend and baby.

DuvetDayIsEveryDay · 25/10/2021 20:30

Have friends on stand by for when you leave to go to hospital. Call inlaws and they arrive 40 minutes after you have left.

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 25/10/2021 23:22

@PinkSyCo

Why would you be moaning and groaning so much during early labour that you think it could turn into a spectators sport for your in-laws? If your pain threshold is that low, surely your ‘lovely’ in-laws would be concentrating their efforts in shielding your toddler from having to watch you writhing in agony rather than staring at you anyway? You sound rather dramatic OP. Ungrateful too.

Fuck me, I didn't know labour shaming was a thing.