In-laws babysitting toddler while I give birth

[RoseD198]

Hi all,

I have a 20 month old toddler and am due a second baby at the end of Jan. My parents live two hours away, but in-laws live 40 mins away - and friends in the same town as us. When I go into hospital to give birth my husband is keen for his parents to look after our toddler (for obvious distance reasons we can’t wait for my parents to get here!) however I have visions of his parents being there while I’m moaning and groaning in pain - which I know I’ll be pissed off about. They’re lovely but I just know I’ll feel uncomfortable being in that vulnerable state at the beginning of labour whilst having them as spectators. I’d much rather my best mate come round and look after him (or hand over to his parents once we’ve gone to the hospital). Am I being unreasonable?! Basically, the last people (not unkindly) I want to see when I’m in pain are the in-laws!!)

Scenario A
Labour starts, DH puts you and toddler in car, drives you to hospital then delivers toddler to his parents. Then he returns to hospital to be with you.

Scenario B
Labour starts, Dh calls his parents, puts your bag in car, as soon as they walk through door he hands over toddler and takes you to hospital

No need for PILs to see you in labour either way.

Not how it generally works, unless your labour progresses very quickly. Hospitals are very reluctant to admit you until you reach a certain point (5cm dilated I think?) and women are frequently sent home again if they arrive too early in labour.

@RoseD198

What I probably didn’t mention and should have is that they won’t have my little one at their house - without us being there - because they feel they’re ‘not set up’ to deal with him there 🤷‍♀️ I guess I could get them to take him out but would need to advise on cafes because they won’t be outside in the winter months.

That won’t work outside daylight hours.

In all honesty couldn’t your parents drive down as soon as labour kicks off? Worst case a friend holds the fort for 30min if you need to go in earlier than expected?

DP called his parents to come round when we were pretty much ready to go to hospital (it was the middle of the night and we didn't want to get toddler DD out of bed).

They were there for all of 15 minutes seeing me in very advanced labour and were nothing but lovely.

When you're labouring at that stage you don't really care who's there.

@RoseD198

What I probably didn’t mention and should have is that they won’t have my little one at their house - without us being there - because they feel they’re ‘not set up’ to deal with him there 🤷‍♀️ I guess I could get them to take him out but would need to advise on cafes because they won’t be outside in the winter months.

Whilst it is lovely of your parents in law to have offered, you need to send your son to a friend who is able to look after him for a couple of days if necessary. Hopefully all will be plain sailing and you will be back in time for tea, but if things go wrong, you need to know your son is being looked after by someone competent and confident.

My general rule of thumb is that nothing you say or do whilst in labour can be unreasonable 🤷‍♀️

Kinda related: I remember writing out 4 pages of notes (front and back!) for my in laws about how to look after my then 20 month old when I was in labour, including an actual toddler-to-English dictionary at the back 🤦‍♀️🤣🤣 And in the end, I had the second one at home anyway, lovely civilised labour started at 9am, baby born by lunchtime, and my husband just watched cbeebies in the front room with the toddler. Easy!

@RoseD198

What I probably didn’t mention and should have is that they won’t have my little one at their house - without us being there - because they feel they’re ‘not set up’ to deal with him there 🤷‍♀️ I guess I could get them to take him out but would need to advise on cafes because they won’t be outside in the winter months.

They have until the end of Jan to get 'set up' at their house though? Is that not do-able for them?

If they won't look after him at their home then they might not be the right people to ask.

How about dropping toddler at your friend's house on the way to hospital, and then one of the sets of parents can pick him up from there? Or having your friend come over but don't call the parents until you're leaving for hospital?

Is your friend willing to have him? If so then that's who I would ask. If she's not available to stay with him all day/night (if needed) then she can call your inlaws to come and take over.

@RoseD198

What I probably didn’t mention and should have is that they won’t have my little one at their house - without us being there - because they feel they’re ‘not set up’ to deal with him there 🤷‍♀️ I guess I could get them to take him out but would need to advise on cafes because they won’t be outside in the winter months.

If they won't make an exception to this rule even when you're in labour, I wouldn't ask them at all. It's just not workable.

Hang on.

All these posts with various options as to how it can be made to work for the PIL to look after toddler even though even 40 mins away is a hassle PLUS it's clear that they will 'help' on their terms, ie half help half headache as they won't do x y z...

...and OP has already got a solution, her brest mate has him.

Simple.

Works.

Is what the person in labour actually wants.

Just no problem - sorted.

EXCEPT it's not ideal for... one of the people who ISN'T giving birth who is 'keen' to please someone ESLE who isn't giving birth.

Right.

Jeeez.

Your friend has him, you tell DH that you've sorted out YOUR labour?

Is your friend willing to be available for the week that you could go into labour? If so then her coming first and then your PILs taking over would be the best plan, if you go into labour during sociable hours.
If not it's a matter of you being in a different room until you have to leave.

@MissChanandlerBong81

Scenario A Labour starts, DH puts you and toddler in car, drives you to hospital then delivers toddler to his parents. Then he returns to hospital to be with you.

Scenario B
Labour starts, Dh calls his parents, puts your bag in car, as soon as they walk through door he hands over toddler and takes you to hospital

No need for PILs to see you in labour either way.

Not how it generally works, unless your labour progresses very quickly. Hospitals are very reluctant to admit you until you reach a certain point (5cm dilated I think?) and women are frequently sent home again if they arrive too early in labour.

We did scenario A but modified, DD went to a friend who had been our childminder, DH dropped me at hospital, picked DD up and took her to my mother. I was quite happy to have a DH free period as I like my space but he was there for the birth.

@RoseD198

What I probably didn’t mention and should have is that they won’t have my little one at their house - without us being there - because they feel they’re ‘not set up’ to deal with him there 🤷‍♀️ I guess I could get them to take him out but would need to advise on cafes because they won’t be outside in the winter months.

They've got 3 months to get their place set up for a toddler. Which means hiding everything breakable, some plug covers . Don't bother baby proofing kitchen or bathroom just put a high bolt on the door to keep them out. Done in less than an hour

You shouldn’t really be groaning in pain unless you’re ready to go to hospital.

Scenario B mentioned above.
You are ready to go to the hospital, call them, they get there 40 mins later, you leave. No spectators.
Good luck, OP!

@Rosesareyellow

You shouldn’t really be groaning in pain unless you’re ready to go to hospital.

Have you ever been in labour?

@Starlight86

Cant they take your toddler back to their house, or better yet your hubby drop toddler off as soon as you go into labour?

I think your probably making a bit of a big deal about nothing.

If they must be there in the beginning retreat to your bedroom or something.

This, get LO dropped off, or make the call we need you as we are heading to hospital soon.

Friends are all well and good but they are more likely to have other commitments, work and other small children rather than ILs.

Even if the ILs do work, their employer is more likely to be understanding that MIL might need to drop and run than a friends employer.

From the sounds of this is just a typical post about an OP just not liking their in laws and nothing they can do or offer will be good enough

YABU

You won’t want your toddler there with you in pain either just get them to come and pick toddler up and take him out.

What amuses me is that many of those posting unpleasant comments about in-laws, will one day be a MIL to a woman on here! 😂

@RoseD198

What I probably didn’t mention and should have is that they won’t have my little one at their house - without us being there - because they feel they’re ‘not set up’ to deal with him there 🤷‍♀️ I guess I could get them to take him out but would need to advise on cafes because they won’t be outside in the winter months.

What does “not set up” mean? They’ve not got a travel cot for him? They’ve got lots of sharp-cornered glass tables everywhere? Open plan with open staircases? Pet boa constrictors roaming free? It just sounds like excuses tbh. If your nearby friend is willing to look after your dc then just go with that plan. And what do you mean you would need to advise them on cafes? Do they not know about the existence of cafes at all or are they just not capable of driving around until they find one by themselves?

@Rosesareyellow

You shouldn’t really be groaning in pain unless you’re ready to go to hospital.

I guess I did labour all wrong then. I was screaming whilst my contractions were still short. Oops

They sound like the sort of people who claim that they want to help but their "help" comes with a list of awkward terms and conditions longer than your average software click through licence.

Want to feel useful, needed, wanted, included, important but don't want to actually put themselves out one iota.

Get someone else if you can. Sod DH trying to appease his parents and himself. It's you who is physically giving birth, your opinion matters above everyone else's where that birth is concerned.

When I went into labour I had to check in to the maternity ward reception while having full blown contractions, and being asked loads of question...I had loads of spectators mostly husbands watching me scream in pain during every contraction. It was horrible.

I’d go with your friend. Depends how close you are to mil. Who presumably gave birth herself once and might remember the experience.