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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU summer hols gatecrashed

56 replies

DeflatedMummy · 25/10/2021 11:50

I booked a caravan hol for me, hubby and 2 young children (5 & 2) for next year. I have invited both grandmothers along as I have such wonderful memories of similar holidays as a child. My BIL is also coming, he lives with my MIL and my FIL has recently passed so I can understand him wanting to come and feel included in a family trip. I feel this will also be fun for the children to have fun uncle come too.

My mum has a partner, they live separately and are going on 2 other holidays together next year, who has invited himself. I don’t really understand why he’d want to come as it’ll be very kid orientated. His 3 children are grown and he has no grandchildren as of yet although one is pregnant.

We get on mostly, so I don’t really mind but he often doesn’t understand my mum has other commitments other than him - grandchildren, pets, work. He’s works but can pretty much book holidays whenever he wants. He has also invited his 25 year old son along. Again I don’t understand why a 25 year old would want to come. We get on so again I suppose I don’t mind.

However I am worried this is going to turn into a big piss up for the adults and am feeling the holiday is being hijacked a little bit. My mum is already staying with partner in another caravan, makes sense, but she would have otherwise been in with us.

I don’t want to tell anyone they can’t come but I will get upset if they start doing their own thing while we’re away or make my mum split her time. May sound selfish but I want the grandmothers with me, hubby and the kids the whole time. AIBU? If the others want to go off somewhere or come with us, fine but don’t pull the grandmothers away.

We’re only going for 4 nights

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 25/10/2021 11:54

Why do the grandmothers have to be with you the whole time? Are you paying for the holiday? That sounds very controlling.

Cocomarine · 25/10/2021 11:57

I think you already muddied the waters on a “grandchildren with grandmothers” trip by (understandably) including your BIL.

So I don’t think they’re rude as such for inviting themselves along - your mum’s boyfriend and his son. Although - it’s not a dynamic I’d like, the just doing it without checking?! But… MIL has her son, so I don’t think it’s super odd for boyfriend to bring his.

I would be honest with your mum - tell her you’re worried it’ll turn into adults off without the kids, I expect she’ll reassure you that she’s really looking forward to both adult and child time.

mountbattenbergcake · 25/10/2021 11:58

YANBU, you invited grandmothers only.

Speak up now and say the trip is ladies only and dc.

If they object, just go with MIL and leave mum to go elsewhere with her partner.

Who is paying for mother and mother in law?

NalPolishRemover · 25/10/2021 11:59

Sounds like my idea of hell! Having said that we once went on a short caravan holiday with both grannies when I was about 8 or 9 & I have a couple of fond memories of one granny snoring so loudly on the tiny caravan that cups were practically rattling!
I suspect my mum didn't find it all as much fun as we remember it as we never did it a second time!!

Cocomarine · 25/10/2021 12:00

Actually just re-read, “However I am worried this is going to turn into a big piss up for the adults”

Ugh. I wouldn’t be arranging holidays with adults who get involved in piss ups. It’s all a bit sad, really.

mewkins · 25/10/2021 12:01

Maybe your mum and MIL didn't fancy a holiday of looking after small kids. I can totally understand that. Although you meant well you have to realise that it's not much of a holiday. Also I get why she wants to go on holiday with her partner, regardless of whether they live together or not.

Original poster
DeflatedMummy · 25/10/2021 12:07

Really? No I’m not paying for them but one grandmother loves 5 hours away so they dont get loads of time together anyway. And, I suppose I should have given more background, has been pulled away before. I invited her and partner out to lunch with me hubby and the kids, didn’t get an answer for a week as she was waiting for partner, then text partner the night before and he said they’ve decided to go to lunch alone somewhere else. I Invited them away to holiday park before and I never got a straight answer. So went ahead and booked without them. Invited my mum out for the day with us, and she ended up not being able to come because he said it was her only day off that week, so they spent it together instead. We used to be invited to his house on occasion, this hasn’t happened since the children were born.

OP posts:
Original poster
DeflatedMummy · 25/10/2021 12:08

Sorry that was @Doidontimmm, lots of replies as I was typing

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 25/10/2021 12:11

@DeflatedMummy

Really? No I’m not paying for them but one grandmother loves 5 hours away so they dont get loads of time together anyway. And, I suppose I should have given more background, has been pulled away before. I invited her and partner out to lunch with me hubby and the kids, didn’t get an answer for a week as she was waiting for partner, then text partner the night before and he said they’ve decided to go to lunch alone somewhere else. I Invited them away to holiday park before and I never got a straight answer. So went ahead and booked without them. Invited my mum out for the day with us, and she ended up not being able to come because he said it was her only day off that week, so they spent it together instead. We used to be invited to his house on occasion, this hasn’t happened since the children were born.
Given that background, I’d say you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed if you expect her to prioritise you on this trip. I would resign yourself to her not spending that much time with you and your children. Don’t try to fit anything around her that will then mess up your plans when she lets you down. Look forward to a holiday with your kids - they’re the perfect age for a caravan park! - and mentally count her out.

Leave her to her trashy piss ups!

Harlequin1088 · 25/10/2021 12:14

This sounds like my idea of hell.

billy1966 · 25/10/2021 12:17

OP,

You are setting yourself up to be disappointed.

Don't do this to yourself, it will spoil the break.

Your mother is not that interested and the fact that you think it would end up as a piss up says everything.

Have a nice holiday with your husband and children and keep your children away from their drunken antics.

Flowers
Tanyaaah · 25/10/2021 12:20

How big is this caravan!?

Cocomarine · 25/10/2021 12:23

@Tanyaaah

How big is this caravan!?
Read the OP!
5foot5 · 25/10/2021 12:23

May sound selfish but I want the grandmothers with me, hubby and the kids the whole time. AIBU? If the others want to go off somewhere or come with us, fine but don’t pull the grandmothers away.

Sorry but it dies sound a bit selfish. Whilst the grand mother's may enjoy spending some time with the little ones it is probably not their idea of a holiday to spend all of it playing with a 5 and a 2 year old. They have done all that when you were little.

Also you talk about your DMs partner not understanding that she has other commitments other than him - grandchildren... Since when did your children become yours mothers commitment. Maybe you need to understand your DM also has "commitments" other than you

NalPolishRemover · 25/10/2021 12:24

I feel for you OP but you are setting yourself up for a fall. You can't force your mum to be interested or to prioritise you & your dc. She has made it v clear multiple times that she's not pushed.
Leave them off & focus your attention on your dc & dh & Mil if she's a more engaged granny

ThinWomansBrain · 25/10/2021 12:27

you have a commitment to your children - why do you think that they are the responsibility/commitment of your mother or MIL?

& how would you feel if MIL invited her son on holiday but excluded you?

mountbattenbergcake · 25/10/2021 12:35

Read the OP!

I think @Tanyaaah 's question is relevant as OP wanted everyone to stay in the same caravan.

MarshmallowSwede · 25/10/2021 12:39

I would tell the partner and his son it’s grandmothers only. I wouldn’t negotiate on it at all. And why would a 25 yr old want to go on this holiday?

Original poster
DeflatedMummy · 25/10/2021 12:43

@5foot5 @ThinWomansBrain

Wow, harsh. By commitment I mean generally spending time with her grandchildren, which I’m surprised sounds like the unreasonable bit. I’ll be doing all the looking after of course but I would like them to be involved in activities and meals. I won’t be leaving the children with grandmothers to babysit. And I don’t mean be with us every second from dawn to dusk but mostly, I was clear it was they sort of holiday I was hoping for. They both love their grandchildren.

OP posts:
Original poster
DeflatedMummy · 25/10/2021 12:46

@Tanyaaah @mountbattenbergcake

Originally one caravan when just me, hubby, kids and grandmothers (8 sleeper), now two as more people coming

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 25/10/2021 12:48

May sound selfish but I want the grandmothers with me, hubby and the kids the whole time

It does sound slightly selfish. Presumably your Mother wants them to come and it's her holiday too.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 25/10/2021 12:50

It isn't grandmothers only though is it because BIL is coming. Would FIL have come as well if he hadn't recently passed?

Notaroadrunner · 25/10/2021 12:53

[quote DeflatedMummy]**@5foot5* @ThinWomansBrain*

Wow, harsh. By commitment I mean generally spending time with her grandchildren, which I’m surprised sounds like the unreasonable bit. I’ll be doing all the looking after of course but I would like them to be involved in activities and meals. I won’t be leaving the children with grandmothers to babysit. And I don’t mean be with us every second from dawn to dusk but mostly, I was clear it was they sort of holiday I was hoping for. They both love their grandchildren.[/quote]
Nothing harsh about what the other pp's said. They are pointing out that the grandmothers may not even want to spend all the time you plan with you and the kids. You want them with you the whole time, as you stated. That's is being ridiculous, regardless of who else is going. The grandmothers will no doubt need a beak from you all at some point.

It will no doubt become an adult holiday for all of them and you, Dh and kids will likely be left doing your own thing. So decide now whether to cancel the whole thing and rebook your own holiday with dh/kids, or accept that the dynamic has changed and make the most of it when the time comes.

mynameismaybe · 25/10/2021 12:54

If they are paying for their own holiday then its just that...their own holiday. I'm sure getting to spend some time with the grandkids is a nice benefit for them but it seems the kind of trip you're imagining is not the kind of trip the other adults want to have.

You're well within your rights to state, clearly, why you were inviting them and what kind of holiday you expect. They are also well within their rights to decline that request and cancel/adjust the holiday according to their own preferences. You certainly can't just impose your will on others because you have some vague childhood memories you are trying to re-create for everyone involved.

Dahliasrule · 25/10/2021 13:06

I actually think this a perfect arrangement. The grans can have some quality time with the DC but then when they find it too much an have a break by doing something with their respective adult companions, I am speaking as a gran myself who has holidayed with family.

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