AIBU summer hols gatecrashed

[DeflatedMummy]

I booked a caravan hol for me, hubby and 2 young children (5 & 2) for next year. I have invited both grandmothers along as I have such wonderful memories of similar holidays as a child. My BIL is also coming, he lives with my MIL and my FIL has recently passed so I can understand him wanting to come and feel included in a family trip. I feel this will also be fun for the children to have fun uncle come too.

My mum has a partner, they live separately and are going on 2 other holidays together next year, who has invited himself. I don’t really understand why he’d want to come as it’ll be very kid orientated. His 3 children are grown and he has no grandchildren as of yet although one is pregnant.

We get on mostly, so I don’t really mind but he often doesn’t understand my mum has other commitments other than him - grandchildren, pets, work. He’s works but can pretty much book holidays whenever he wants. He has also invited his 25 year old son along. Again I don’t understand why a 25 year old would want to come. We get on so again I suppose I don’t mind.

However I am worried this is going to turn into a big piss up for the adults and am feeling the holiday is being hijacked a little bit. My mum is already staying with partner in another caravan, makes sense, but she would have otherwise been in with us.

I don’t want to tell anyone they can’t come but I will get upset if they start doing their own thing while we’re away or make my mum split her time. May sound selfish but I want the grandmothers with me, hubby and the kids the whole time. AIBU? If the others want to go off somewhere or come with us, fine but don’t pull the grandmothers away.

We’re only going for 4 nights

YANBU. You want your children to have the same experiences as you

Why not be honest with your mother and tell her that, and that, on this occasion, you dont want her partner or his child to come. Ok maybe next time, but you are making memories for the kids. Explain you are concerned she will be expected to do things separately, which under normal circumstances is fine, but on this occasion only she has been invited

If she won’t change her mind then you have to accept either her going with her partner, or not at all

If the former i would just let her know each day what you will be doing and leave it up to her to join or not, and I wouldn't be inviting her away again, or accepting an6 invite from her and her partner. If she kicks off I would just refer her back to this holiday where you did not want the partner to come and have no interest in going away with him

@Notaroadrunner @mynameismaybeI I do still think that sounds harsh. It’s only a mon-fri holiday that I proposed as a holidays with/for the grandkids. They could of said no. It’s a sad reality if we end up on our own while they do their own thing, what’s the point then. If they want a bit of alone time fine, I probably didn’t the the ‘whole time’ quite so literally but to remember that the grandchildren is the purpose of the holiday on the first place. I can’t expect that a holiday with everyone involved, is just that, a holiday together?? That’s sad. Maybe I will be disappointed but I’m just trying to make it nice for the kids.

the grandchildren is the purpose of the holiday on the first place

For you maybe, but you’ve invited others and it’s up to them what they want to do on their holiday. It’s sounds like a holiday from hell.

The thing is, you already have a 4yo. So surely you know what kind of grandparents they are?

For my kids, I can tell you which grandparent barely interacts and seems to not like children, and which grandparent gives them “horseback” rides and over excites them at bedtime and who’d be throwing open my caravan door before I’m even dressed wanting to take them for a walk! Think about that, and plan your trip - and set your expectations - accordingly.

I would absolutely hate a holiday where the expectation was that I'd be with other people the whole time. So from that point of view alone I think you're being unreasonable - sorry.

I’d call it off 😁 get your money back and go somewhere super fun with the kids, not sure how the kids would feel if Granny was in the next caravan but was always too busy with her partner to spend any time with them, that seems sad when you made it clear that the holiday was so she could spend time with kids. You’re setting yourself and kids up for disappointment OP, it’s turned into the kind of holiday you don’t want so take control because when it comes to it and it’s the piss up miserable holiday you imagined it would be it will ruin it for you 😁

Originally one caravan when just me, hubby, kids and grandmothers (8 sleeper), now two as more people coming

So four adults, who don't usually live together, confined in a small space with 2 kids. There's very little room for any peace or privacy. I absolutely could not do this and call it a holiday. Only way I'd be there is in my own caravan where I could withdraw at will.

@antoniawhite

I would absolutely hate a holiday where the expectation was that I'd be with other people the whole time. So from that point of view alone I think you're being unreasonable - sorry.

Whereas I’d absolutely love a 4 night caravan stay where I got to be part of “daily life” with my grandchildren - albeit the hyped up holiday version!

Neither of us are wrong.

But I think OP is on a hiding to nothing with this trip, because she already knows her mum is going to spend more time with her boyfriend than grandchildren.

It’s not wrong to be disappointed about that… but it is wrong to go on the holiday and expect anything different!

I'd tell your mum that you understand her partner coming but you don't want his son coming on your holiday as you intended it to be having time for grandparents and grandchildren. Her reaction will tell you what you need to know.

It all sounds like a big task you have going on, for a four day holiday in a caravan Next year. Are all the people concerned, happy with what you are planning ? You have in mind, this perfect scenario for a big get together holiday, so I hope it turns out well !

I think they are both the type of grandmothers that love spending time with the grandchildren but when partner gets involved she try’s to people please rather than doing what she wants. I will have a word about the type of holiday I’m hoping for and why I’m organising it in the first place, I don’t want to be controlling but it’ll hurt my feelings.

Yes FIL would have be coming if he hadn’t of passed away. My dad isn’t involved in my life which is why I say grandmothers, it would otherwise be grandparents. Partner gets on with our family but hasn’t taken on role of grandad if that’s going to be a question. Which I’m not expecting.

@1forAll74 but that’s just it it was never originally suppose to be a big family holidays, just us and kids with grandmothers and evolved from that. I have no specifics in mind other than spending time together. I surprised by some posts saying they don’t expect to spend the majority of time with the people they go on holiday with. 🤷‍♀️ Why bother?

I don’t think this holiday is going to work!

You can “remind them of the purpose of the holiday” but they may say “yes yes yes” and then do their own adult thing anyway.

Is your hubby on board with the type of thing you want to do? That’s the key thing really if you do go - what you don’t want is a holiday where he then decides to go off with the adults as it looks so much fun, and
M you’re left alone.

I’d be tempted to cancel and rebook just the four of you!

I would actively not go on a family holiday where there was an expectation we would spend all time together. Suffocating, controlling and exhausting.

Why can’t you compromise on this?

@YellowandGreenToBeSeen I suppose it’s depends what the compromise is, they can go for a booze up anytime, they can go out for meals and days out alone anytime. Why is it ‘controlling’ to not want to be left in favour of adult only time, go on an adult only holiday then.

Because they is not what they want from their holiday, clearly.

The compromise is time with kids when kids are awake or doing something that isn’t hellish for the grandparents (soft play, anything that involves organised fun or screeching) and then time apart when it suits. To predict you will be upset if this happened is controlling.

@Dahliasrule

I actually think this a perfect arrangement. The grans can have some quality time with the DC but then when they find it too much an have a break by doing something with their respective adult companions, I am speaking as a gran myself who has holidayed with family.

I agree.

And there is no such thing as "making memories". The kids will either remember or they won't. It's their brains and their priorities, not the parents'.

And it is perfectly natural to go on holiday with people but not spend every waking hour together. Even when DH, DS and I go away, we do things by ourselves - eg DH and I may go for a walk while DS plays on his phone, or DS and I go for a bike ride while DH has a beer and reads a book in the sun.

Should have been more clear…

Visits to soft play, kids discos, fancy dress parties, amusement arcades (for example) = hell for adults who don’t have to be there

Walks in woods, visits to beaches or castles = something for adults too.

I also think 8 people in a caravan is far too many. Presumably there's only one loo? Even more reason to get away and do your own thing.

Originally one caravan when just me, hubby, kids and grandmothers (8 sleeper), now two as more people coming

I think you've forgotten about BIL as well as your mum's partner and his son.

I have to say, this doesn't sound at all like a holiday. I cannot imagine my mum and my MIL staying together in a caravan with us, it would be the war of the grandmothers and you - I'm just imagining the pass ag fights over things like the kitchen.

Then add in the BIL, partner, and partner's son - none of whom sound particularly child-centric and it is a complete nightmare in the making.

My brother and SIL have had for various covid related reasons both my mum and her mum staying at the same time over the last few years and it's been daggers drawn over child-related stuff, one granny retreating in a huff to a hotel, etc etc. Honestly I think unless the two grannies are best friends anyway, you should probably consider doing separate holidays with each side of the family - if only to keep numbers down!!

@YellowandGreenToBeSeen I won’t expect them to come with us to those things - soft play, etc. Those are a couple of hours here and there, I mean the beach trips and walks. If they say we’re off elsewhere for the day, or are too hungover to do something we planned, yes I’d be upset. If they go for a beach walk in the evening together for example alone or opt for a cup of tea over an hour on the arcade, I wouldn’t be bothered. Maybe I should of been more clear, I don’t literally mean ever waking second but that, to me, would still be most of the holiday.

I also - just thinking about my mum and my MIL (who I love) - both of them feel extremely uncomfortable/anxious unless they have a loo to themselves (could be shared with their partner but not with any more adults). I wonder if your mum just doesn't want to stay in the caravan with everyone else and this is her way of getting a caravan (and a loo) to herself without offending you to say she doesn't want to stay with you.

As I get older I also want a loo to myself so I completely understand their POV now, I used to think it was a bit precious and then I had 2 very large babies...

Well, very different expectations to me. I have no issue if people go off and do their own thing. It’s happened on every group / family holiday I’ve ever been on.

Want to go out for the day? Have a lovely time.
Want to stay by the pool reading? See you later.
Visiting a cathedral? I’ll meet you later for lunch.
Taking the kids to a water park? I’ll get my towel!

It’s a holiday - time for people to do things that make them happy. Expecting people to March to your drum 99% of the time is setting yourself up for disappointment.

Maybe the grandmothers don’t want a kid-centric holiday, or are worried they’ll be expected to provide childcare?

A lot of grandmas would rather their own space eg a caravan next door with their partner and son, instead of sharing a caravan with grandchildren. They may be less involved with the kids and more into having grown up fun, but why not? They’re paying for themselves.

Maybe your idea of an idyllic family holiday is different to theirs?

Maybe grandma in her own caravan wanted a comfortable double bed and her own bathroom instead of being woken early by kids and queuing up for a wee?

March to my drum? Not sure that’s what I’m asking. When you’re only going for 4 nights and people go and do their own thing for the whole day, that’s a lot of the holiday. Why even go together? Sharing caravans has a lot to do with cost as well, for everyone. They won’t be expected to provide any childcare, that isn’t why they were invited.

I’ll probably try not to take it too personally when/if it happens based on people’s pp, although I think controlling and suffocating is a bit far.

Thanks to all the replied