Starting school - boy with mild ASD any tips and support

[gfy678686]

Posting here for traffic.

DS is starting school in September and I suspect he has a mild form of ASD. It runs in my family and many of the 'issues' he has are very similar. So he needs routines, has zero emotional intelligence, gets overwrought and can hit, has a 'disorganised' mind - is interested in being with other kids but often has conflicts etc. It's mild enough that I assume it won't get documented but my concern is that he will just get labelled a 'naughty boy'.

I didn't start school till I was 7 so had much better control over things by then. Plus, in typical girl fashion, I was all about mimicry so even though I had massive meltdowns at home - when at school, I was pretty good at masking it and was never physical etc. DS is similar but is obviously still younger and I am getting a bit anxious about how he'll manage. He currently goes to a small nursery and it's ok ish.....but not always smooth sailing.

Does anyone have any tips, ideas that have helped you when your little ones started school?

I would get him assessed because that is how he will get support (and likely the only way he will get support at school). Ask around about a school that is good with ASD and have a chat with the teachers and head there to get a feel of whether it would suit your DS.

I have been in education for many years now, no not involved in the diagnosis side but have contributed evidence for it.
Whether or not people believe there's a scale, there's a marked difference in the level of support required.
Op asked for support not nitpicking about semantics.

So just to clarify - DS is currently 3 years old and will be going to school next year. At the moment, I just dont know whether his behavior is him being 3, his general personality or ASD due to it running in my family. Nursery dont seem concerned. I've always wondered whether any child of mine would have ADS.

@gfy678686

So just to clarify - DS is currently 3 years old and will be going to school next year. At the moment, I just dont know whether his behavior is him being 3, his general personality or ASD due to it running in my family. Nursery dont seem concerned. I've always wondered whether any child of mine would have ADS.

But you are concerned and that’s enough to warrant a chat with someone, even if they disagree with your concerns and don’t take it further.

For those saying it’s not difficult to get a diagnosis - this is so ignorant. It was incredibly difficult to start the ball rolling with my sons diagnosis, it was upsetting and frustrating and one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to go through with my child. I basically had to fight to get my son assessed.

So yes it might have been easy for some, and lucky you - but please realise it’s not easy for everyone.

What school are you hoping to send him to? My DC was at a small private primary and there were lots of children there from the needs a bit more support/attention group but probably wouldn’t qualify for it in state. Max 10/15 children in a class, quieter environment, more old fashioned structured day was helpful. My DC has a physical disability. Obviously not an option for everyone but fees were £7,000 a year at todays rates (in north) and I have no regrets at all, well worth it for a happy smooth primary school experience.

@BakedTattie

For those saying it’s not difficult to get a diagnosis - this is so ignorant. It was incredibly difficult to start the ball rolling with my sons diagnosis, it was upsetting and frustrating and one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to go through with my child. I basically had to fight to get my son assessed.

So yes it might have been easy for some, and lucky you - but please realise it’s not easy for everyone.

Yes, I've had this conversation hundreds of times with parents over the years. Usually when I have flagged up concerns myself. I know our senco would agree as well as it is her most common gripe.

He will not get a diagnosis at this point. He meets most things and basically will be written off as being a three-year-old. Because of my family - I just don't think he will grow out of it in the same way his friends currently are. I may be able to get him something when it becomes a bit more obvious if it ever does. I am not against a diagnosis but a 3 year old having a meltdown is normal - a 5 year old isnt. I still have meltdowns now and I am 40

@BakedTattie

For those saying it’s not difficult to get a diagnosis - this is so ignorant. It was incredibly difficult to start the ball rolling with my sons diagnosis, it was upsetting and frustrating and one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to go through with my child. I basically had to fight to get my son assessed.

So yes it might have been easy for some, and lucky you - but please realise it’s not easy for everyone.

I agree it's not easy. However OP has just decided her child is autistic but 'not autistic enough' to be diagnosed. That's not how it works. It may take a long time and it may be hard to get a referral but actually being pro active in the first instance is really easy.

You simply don’t know that. You need to ask for a diagnosis. It is a multi faceted approach taken now and they are very very good at diagnosing. You cannot ask school to make adjustments without a diagnosis.

Talk to the nursery senco now, outline your concerns and discuss any they may have.

Visit your GP and ask for a referal for further investigation, waiting lists generally mean it takes a few years so best to get the ball
Rolling.

Before applying visit schools which he will realistically be in area for and get a feeling for what will best suit him. Talk to staff about your concerns.

When you get confirmation of his school place contact the SENCO and start a dialogue about your concerns and discuss with them the best way to ease the transition for him

@Dixiechickonhols see that sounds like a lovely environment. We're in London where private is basically 20-25k a year in primary and we just dont have the money - plus most are very academic and competitive. DS is really all that competitive though is bright enough.

@gfy678686

He will not get a diagnosis at this point. He meets most things and basically will be written off as being a three-year-old. Because of my family - I just don't think he will grow out of it in the same way his friends currently are. I may be able to get him something when it becomes a bit more obvious if it ever does. I am not against a diagnosis but a 3 year old having a meltdown is normal - a 5 year old isnt. I still have meltdowns now and I am 40

Again, diagnosis isn't about behaviour. It's about meeting set criteria which refer to defecits and impairments - the traits you see which may mirror an 'average' 3 year old are not of much relevance. They help to form an overall picture and repetitive behaviour will be looked at, but you are completely misunderstanding how diagnosis is reached.

We were a bit like you - suspected DD was not typical but it was hard to distinguish behaviour from a typical 3 year old. By the time she was 7, the differences were much more obvious plus her behaviour and mental health completely fell to pieces in lockdown. Anyone who got a diagnosis in 2020 was lucky and not from round here - everything shut here for months, no referrals were taken. After a few months on a waiting list and applying a lot of £, we got a private diagnosis.

The only serious problem we've had with school was unrealistic homework expectations plus DD became increasingly unable to tolerate after school club. We had to take the homework issue all the way to the Head. DD went from nursery to primary at the same school though, which helped. We had to employ after school nannies. DD can only handle so much being in groups as she masks.

Plus the school is private so a) there's more of a customer focus and b) they get to bill us for the SEN support (all the teachers have been fantastic though).

DD can "do normal" very well but it takes it out of her .

His nursery dont have a SENCO - but I might ask questions when it comes to primary schools. Realistically we might just end up going private for a diagnosis as it does just take too long through the NHS.

I think the OP is taking a very sensible approach, as she said - her DC is very young. I think if you are open and honest about your concerns with your child's nursery and reception teacher and see if they make any observations that would support the idea that extra provision may need to be put in place then the route will be more straightforward if/when you decide to pursue a diagnosis

@Phineyj

We were a bit like you - suspected DD was not typical but it was hard to distinguish behaviour from a typical 3 year old. By the time she was 7, the differences were much more obvious plus her behaviour and mental health completely fell to pieces in lockdown. Anyone who got a diagnosis in 2020 was lucky and not from round here - everything shut here for months, no referrals were taken. After a few months on a waiting list and applying a lot of £, we got a private diagnosis.

The only serious problem we've had with school was unrealistic homework expectations plus DD became increasingly unable to tolerate after school club. We had to take the homework issue all the way to the Head. DD went from nursery to primary at the same school though, which helped. We had to employ after school nannies. DD can only handle so much being in groups as she masks.

Plus the school is private so a) there's more of a customer focus and b) they get to bill us for the SEN support (all the teachers have been fantastic though).

DD can "do normal" very well but it takes it out of her .

The thing is, you are not trained to know the difference at 3. Had she been assessed she probably would have been diagnosed.

Generally with high functioning asd which schools can manage there is nothing you specifically need to do, apart from obviously back them up on specific interventions they recommend.

My dd never had a echp because she was top of the class academically, the fact she missed so much school due to anxiety didn't hold much sway with the sen staff. She was mainstream educated from 5 but attended a special needs programme from 2-5.

Whether your son meets the specific criteria for a diagnosis none of us know but school interventions do not require diagnosis anyway.

Whether he gets labelled a naughty child will depend on whether he is . Having autism or other medical issues doesn't mean bad behaviour is excused, I can assure you that my dd knew right from wrong at school, if she was told off it's because she misbehaved

@BakedTattie

For those saying it’s not difficult to get a diagnosis - this is so ignorant. It was incredibly difficult to start the ball rolling with my sons diagnosis, it was upsetting and frustrating and one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to go through with my child. I basically had to fight to get my son assessed.

So yes it might have been easy for some, and lucky you - but please realise it’s not easy for everyone.

But from reading what they OP has written, it doesn’t look as if they have even attempted other than ask nursery if they had any concerns.

We suspected at that age for our DS. Wish we had persevered earlier with exploring diagnosis. He had lots of social issues in primary which were not supported by the school. Once we had an official diagnosis lo and behold we were listened to and supported at school. Diagnosis makes a difference.

I have personal and professional experience with autism. I am autistic, I can speak and make eye contact and am highly qualified. My child is autistic and has a learning disability. I taught autistic children for over a decade.

Please don't wait for your child to struggle, that's when it all falls apart.

Early intervention is key. Absolutely key.

It IS bloody hard work, and in many ways the process of obtaining a diagnosis and support could and should be a lot easier. But currently it isn't so we as parents have to fill in those gaps as best we can. We owe it to our children to.

A paediatrician WILL be able to spot the signs you see yourself in your child, and they will believe you too. An autism assessments pick up all autism, however 'mild'. My son's ADOS assessment had a threshold score for ASC and ASD.

I don't know why you have made up your mind that your child won't obtain a diagnosis, but I would posture that it's quite arrogant on your part to assume you know more or better than professionals who are trained to spot autism.

I would start by reading widely about autism and cross referencing your son's behaviours and mannerisms with lists widely available online. Then I would make a list of your son's behaviours and mannerisms. I would sent this to a GP in an e consult or make a face to face appointment and physically hand them the list. They would then make the appropriate referral.

You're in the system then.

@BakedTattie It should be easier than it is. But it's not impossible.

@gogohm I dont know whether DS knows right from wrong. I do know that if he is overtired and something doesn't go the right way - he will have a meltdown and then can't control his behavior. He will have a meltdown every time he is overtired. He also seems pretty bad at figuring out his own bodily cues i.e. he gets immersed in stuff, doesnt eat and then has a meltdown when he is simply starving.

It's not about school putting something in place for him - though I cant imagine him in a group of 30kids without him becoming too distracted and overstimulated after an hour or so. I was also thinking about how best to help him. We both work FT but I dont think an after school club would work as he will just be too tired. He probably also wouldnt be able to manage with random kids that he doesnt know and having to manage those relations with minimal adult input.

@gfy678686

He will not get a diagnosis at this point. He meets most things and basically will be written off as being a three-year-old. Because of my family - I just don't think he will grow out of it in the same way his friends currently are. I may be able to get him something when it becomes a bit more obvious if it ever does. I am not against a diagnosis but a 3 year old having a meltdown is normal - a 5 year old isnt. I still have meltdowns now and I am 40

My ASD child had very different and very distinct meltdowns from the age of 1 and they weren’t a toddler tantrum. She was diagnosed relatively early but most people don’t realise she is autistic because she manages to fit in around others.

[quote gfy678686]@gogohm I dont know whether DS knows right from wrong. I do know that if he is overtired and something doesn't go the right way - he will have a meltdown and then can't control his behavior. He will have a meltdown every time he is overtired. He also seems pretty bad at figuring out his own bodily cues i.e. he gets immersed in stuff, doesnt eat and then has a meltdown when he is simply starving.

It's not about school putting something in place for him - though I cant imagine him in a group of 30kids without him becoming too distracted and overstimulated after an hour or so. I was also thinking about how best to help him. We both work FT but I dont think an after school club would work as he will just be too tired. He probably also wouldnt be able to manage with random kids that he doesnt know and having to manage those relations with minimal adult input.[/quote]
This is all ample evidence that your child is possibly neurodiverse and would be sufficient to trigger a diagnostic process.