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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No contact when out . AIBU?

79 replies

thesebootsweremade · 25/10/2021 10:37

Boyfriend and I together over a year. We don't live together. We speak every evening on the phone and text first thing and last thing at night. When we socialise separately, we ring if not too late or text to say we are home.
Yesterday he went out to watch the footie. Dropped a few early texts and then nothing from after the game.
I text to say goodnight, he was online at that time (WhatsApp) it wasn't read . He didn't bother to contact me at all.
It's a first.
AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Original poster
thesebootsweremade · 25/10/2021 12:25

I agree.a day or two without any contract would be helpful. Maybe it's about getting used to our new normal now. He doesn't need such high levels of contact anymore whereas I got used to it. Irony is that I am ten times busier than him with family responsibilities!

OP posts:
Cheeseplantboots · 25/10/2021 12:26

Yanbu. I’d be pissed off if I felt I had to contact my husband when out or away for the night!

Footprintsonthemoon1 · 25/10/2021 12:30

Yabu. I'd be feeling totally suffocated

girlmom21 · 25/10/2021 12:30

You had an argument before he went out then you text him while he was out moaning at him some more and expected a response?

That's ridiculous.

You should leave him alone when he's out with his friends anyway. You definitely shouldn't be trying to argue with him when he's out.

You don't need to be in contact all day every day.

snackess · 25/10/2021 12:32

YABU he might have been online texting a mate 'we've moved tables' we're going to XYZ.

This is really needy. Perhaps he needs space.

WonderfulYou · 25/10/2021 12:34

YABU if I was on a night out with my girl friends I would not be texting my partner at all.

If that’s something you want then you definitely need to speak to him but I think you’re asking too much personally.

Texting and phone calls do get less the longer you are together.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 25/10/2021 12:38

Yes you are. It is a bit enmeshed to have to say goodnight every night rather than fully engage in the social occasion.

AttaGirrrrl · 25/10/2021 12:45

@thesebootsweremade

I agree.a day or two without any contract would be helpful. Maybe it's about getting used to our new normal now. He doesn't need such high levels of contact anymore whereas I got used to it. Irony is that I am ten times busier than him with family responsibilities!
Have you spoken to him about this? Discussing your ‘new normal’ sounds wise.
BoredZelda · 25/10/2021 12:48

I’ve been married 15 years. My husband never texts me when he is out. I never text him when I am out. Not sure why you’d think he should.

Original poster
thesebootsweremade · 25/10/2021 12:50

It was just to say goodnight. That was our habit.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 25/10/2021 12:54

But surely that habit came about during restrictions when people were mostly at home. With restrictions changing, behaviour is bound to change too. I feel for couples who've got together over lockdown.

Gilda152 · 25/10/2021 12:56

You are being unreasonable. So he didn't send a goodnight text because he was actually fully engaged with having a night out with his friends. You're either secure enough in a healthy relationship with him to fully understand that you weren't a priority in that moment or your confidence in the whole relationship has been knocked by the absence of 1 text message. Rationalise yourself here.

MarshmallowSwede · 25/10/2021 12:58

Pick and choose your battles. All I’m going to say, as a married lady I often choose what I get upset about. Sometimes things are so small that it’s not worth getting upset about. This is one of those smalll things. Let it go.

1forAll74 · 25/10/2021 12:59

It would not be my scene at all, all this texting and neediness to know things at all times. I think that lots of people, would just crumble and go to pieces if they didn't have a phone these days.

Original poster
thesebootsweremade · 25/10/2021 12:59

I'm finding it difficult to adapt to our new situation. He is normally very attentive and loving. We prioritise each other but from this thread I can see that because I got into the groove of expecting what we had during lockdown, he now feels suffocated as he wants to spread his wings with family and friends again. I am very busy as a single parent with kids and working full
time. I keep my eow free for him solely and he does too.
I can see now that even though I'm not naturally needy, it comes actoss to him like this as I expected the same as before.
A day or two off communication should help. We definitely need to talk about our expectations going forward dont
We

OP posts:
MarshmallowSwede · 25/10/2021 13:00

He didn’t text good night one night in 12 months. You’re being ridiculous. It’s not worth the argument.. trust me.

HeartsAndClubs · 25/10/2021 13:01

So when the bloke is the one wanting constant contact that’s ok because that was his habit during lockdown, but now the OP is used to it she’s being needy?? Confused

I do think that relationships formed during lockdown are difficult, and I think a lot of them won’t go the distance now we’re all back in the real world as they were essentially a false reality.

But if you get used to something then it’s not wrong to wonder when that thing stops because you’re suddenly no longer what he needs.

WonderfulYou · 25/10/2021 13:03

It was just to say goodnight. That was our habit.

If he was at home then it’s nice to get a goodnight text when I wouldn’t expect it when he’s out with friends.

Surely it’s nicer when it’s unexpected anyway. I’d hate to think someone is texting me goodnight or something out of habit rather than actually wanting to say it.

CreepySpider · 25/10/2021 13:06

@thesebootsweremade

It was just to say goodnight. That was our habit.
But you said I told him I was pissed off last night by text so I expect that he is sick of me so maybe that’s why?
Gilda152 · 25/10/2021 13:06

@HeartsAndClubs I thought it read that the OP thought he was a bit needy during lockdown and now it's switched and she's acting a bit needy. Lots of people acted differently in lockdown and OP is absolutely right, they both need to adjust to post lockdown life as it is now, either of them being needy wouldn't be good, couples need breathing space. It's not a case of one person behaved dysfunctionally under a period of duress so now the other person should take up that baton - they should both be aiming for a health recalibration to 'normal' life as a newish couple.

Original poster
thesebootsweremade · 25/10/2021 13:13

We see each other eow and a day/ night on alternate weekends.

OP posts:
sassbott · 25/10/2021 14:01

There’s a few things here.

  1. There’s been a change in communication
  2. This change has triggered your anxiety.
  3. you appear to have a different lifestyle to him (you mention you are a single mum, does he have children?)

If this is a marked change in communication, and you’re getting used to being in a relationship when not in lockdown (especially if he doesn’t have the responsibilities you do), that can be unsettling.

What I will say is this. Anxiety and insecurity can undermine even happy relationships (I speak from experience) as I was the person on the receiving end of someone needing constant reassurance/ high levels of communication when I am now back out working/ socialising and even back to work related entertainment.

Anxiety and feeling secure within yourself are things you need to work on independent of this relationship.

You have every right (as an aside) to expect someone to text you back if that’s what you want in a relationship. I know people who do the good night/ good morning thing and it works for them. It would personally drive me insane. Horses for courses.

I certainly wouldn’t be arguing with him about it, and I’d bottom out why you’ve had the response you’ve had. How much of this is him vs you?

Original poster
thesebootsweremade · 25/10/2021 15:48

I think he feels smothered.his life has changed so much since restrictions lifted. Mine hasn't. I am unsettled and anxious because our relationship is now changing.
I have a lot going on in my life right now, a lot of it negatives so this couple of days to sort my head out and give him space might help.

OP posts:
Lynne1Cat · 25/10/2021 16:10

What do you find to talk about all the time? Just wondered.

sassbott · 25/10/2021 17:43

Feels smothered by what? The relationship?

The simple fact I have gotten to is this In life. We can control us. That’s it. Our actions, our words, our reactions. One day if someone decides they are no longer happy in a job/ relationship/ where they live etc etc, they have the choice to up and move on.

If he feels smothered, give him space. And give the situation between you some time. You may speak to him and realise you’ve had a massive over reaction. You may speak to him and realise you’re spot on and your anxiety was founded - and that his lack of texting back was out of character and speaks to a wider underlying problem.

None of us on here can tell you which it is. Tackle your anxiety and don’t let it over whelm you. He has his choices and he’ll make them. Focus on you, your kids and ground yourself.