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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don’t feel my best looking at the minute

67 replies

Netflix345 · 25/10/2021 08:09

I had a ‘hook’ nose which I never liked and had rude comments on over the years. A year ago I had nose filler and I was so happy with the results, it gave me so much confidence.
My boyfriend didn’t understand it at all and thinks I should just love my natural nose. I do understand, but it’s easy to say when you are happy with your own nose.
Anyway the filler is wearing off and the bump is returning, but we’re trying to save for a house deposit.

As well as this, I had my hair cut into a pixie cut which just looks like a mushroom. I have had short hair for a while but never this short. I’m usually happy with my hair but this cut is just not flattering, I’m scraping it back with headbands and clips and considering getting a wig.

Have also wanted to go blonde for a while (dark brown naturally). Bf thinks this won’t suit me and that I should just love my natural colour.

I do like my natural colour, I’d just like to try blonde as I think it would look nice. I am also quite grey now despite being 30 but he sees me using hair dye as pointless. Even a hairdresser told me that I have quite a lot of grey so I’m not imagining it.

I don’t begrudge anyone having anything done if it makes them happier. Obviously there are extremes, I think it’s sad that people change their entire face and become addicted to surgery, it’s a shame. I am happy with myself on a whole and like the majority of what I have.

I do feel happier with a straighter nose and I just don’t like my original one. My partner really disagrees with it. We just can’t agree on it. He works with very beautiful women who, I’m sure have their own insecurities. However it’s hard sometimes to not compare myself, even if I know he loves me, I know he finds them attractive as he’s told me in one way or another.
Has anyone ever had these disagreements? Would you just get the filler/hair dye if it made you feel better ?

OP posts:

maddening · 25/10/2021 08:12

Tell him you are having them done , he is welcome to his opinion but yours overrides them as this is your body

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 25/10/2021 08:14

It's your body, so do what makes you happy.
He is entitled to his opinion but not to the end decision.

Original poster

Netflix345 · 25/10/2021 08:15

Yes I do agree. I tried to explain to him the above. I said that these things are not completely uncommon and he said he doesn’t think these colleagues of his ‘have had anything done’. Well good for them

OP posts:

Changemaname1 · 25/10/2021 08:17

Get it done it’s nothing to do with him really

Original poster

Netflix345 · 25/10/2021 08:18

He says I don’t need any make up, treatments, hair dye etc and always tells me I’m beautiful which I do appreciate. I see where he’s coming from but agree it is my body.

OP posts:

Etsylicious · 25/10/2021 08:18

You do what you want for you x

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 25/10/2021 08:19

Don't try and explain it to him!
You don't need to justify changing your appearance to anyone!
Just say " hair is book in"
Don't ask
Just do it

Original poster

Netflix345 · 25/10/2021 08:22

I think he sees anyone who tries to change things like that as ‘damaged’ or something and doesn’t equate it with confidence.

I had braces too in the past as aside from having an extremely large front gap, the teeth tilted backwards and the bottom row were all bunched up. It wasn’t only that but it gave me a lisp too.
I had comments from people with very straight teeth, or who’d had braces themselves saying they didn’t understand why. They were probably just trying to be polite, but I’m glad I had them done for me

OP posts:

TheOccupier · 25/10/2021 08:23

Think carefully before buying a house with this guy.

And get the hair and nose done if you want to! Studies have shown attractive people earn more anyway.

wiltingflower · 25/10/2021 08:24

Don't hold yourself back because of what he says, do what you want

Original poster

Netflix345 · 25/10/2021 08:39

I agree I shouldn’t hold myself back

OP posts:

lescompagnonsdeloue · 25/10/2021 08:41

No. We don't disagree about my hair or body, because although he might have a view, it'd never be for him to say not to do something. I don't really understand though, especially the nose thing, if it gives you confidence, what does it matter to him? Does he want you less confident for some reason?

lescompagnonsdeloue · 25/10/2021 08:42

He doesn't have to equate it with confidence. He seems to have a problem thinking that others don't see things as he does, which is a problem when the "thing" is your body, and therefore you are the only person qualified to say!

RobinPenguins · 25/10/2021 08:44

How much do the fillers cost, how much time would continuing to get them done set back your savings etc? If there was something that made my DH feel much happier and better about himself and the cost meant we wouldn’t hit our savings target for another 2 or 3 months it’s a no brainer for me, I’d want him to spend the money and feel better. If it was a year or two, I might feel a bit differently.

Snowdropsandbluebells · 25/10/2021 08:46

I don't even tell dh stuff like this!
Just come back with it done

Original poster

Netflix345 · 25/10/2021 08:52

@Snowdropsandbluebells that’s great , I should just do that too 😂 there are payment plans for the filler, but just have this feeling like every spare penny should go towards it.
I am going to get it done though, it’s annoying when he says ‘well my colleagues haven’t had anything done else I’m sure they would have told me’ well how do you know lol

OP posts:

Brightmagic2021 · 25/10/2021 08:56

Don’t even discuss it with him. I wouldn’t!

M0rT · 25/10/2021 08:57

I think your bf is a bit odd. He can have whatever opinions he wants about women's appearance but not expect actual influence.
He's also completely wrong about the women he works with.
I went to an event with my then bf who complained about how a friend and I wore so much makeup and didn't look like ourselves comparing us to a younger woman who wasn't "covered in slap".
She was he had just never seen her bare faced as she didn't leave the house without makeup and in fairness to her she did a good job with a natural look.
I think you should look into cost benefit with the nose, I don't know anything about fillers but if they have to keep being topped up would getting it fixed surgically make more sense long term?
Do what you want with your hair and have a long think if you want to buy a house with a man who makes it clear he finds his beautiful colleagues attractive but wants to prevent you making the best of yourself.

Brightmagic2021 · 25/10/2021 08:57

I think you’re both analysing it too much.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 25/10/2021 09:01

Sounds like the problem might be that he expresses a bit too much of an opinion on other women's looks, comparing you to the women at work when he has zero idea what they do or don't do cosmetically? I've had boyfriends like this, always commenting on other women. Even when it's balanced with plenty of compliments and appreciation for me, it feels as though they have one eye elsewhere, could it be that?

He also seems over invested in what you're doing unless you're spending shared savings- perhaps it's well meaning about the nose but loads of women change their hair quite regularly and have fillers these days. It's not necessarily anything pathological in terms of self esteem. Does he have rigid ways of thinking in other areas?

Original poster

Netflix345 · 25/10/2021 09:10

He has this 21 year old colleague and apparently one day she didn’t wear make up to work, and someone referred to her as ‘dude’.

He told me the story then said “She’s the last person you could mistake for a guy, whether she’s wearing make up or not!”

OP posts:

Briony123 · 25/10/2021 09:12

My partner would die of boredom if I started waffling on about hair dye. Just do what you want.

KimDeals · 25/10/2021 09:14

My DP is an old soul and he comes out with this stuff too. “Why would you want to change your face - it’s lovely” etc. I hated my nose for decades and now - completely love it! Love the form and structure it gives my face. I’m glad I never did anything to permanently change it. Same for my boobs (wishing they were bigger), love them now!

Regardless, I got Botox a few years ago. Didn’t tell him just did it. Told him after.

I had a weird feeling like I’d “failed” / “given in” to something. Maybe I did. I don’t know.

I started noticing the lines in peoples faces and liking them. Started noticing how unique everyone looked (when I really started looking). It was a bizarre experience.

Just do it if you want to. Nevermind him.

Sorry to add - change your hair if you want to!!! Again, my DP is a dope like this - it costs how much?? Is that not your natural colour (honestly, pure daft). I actually find changing hair colour is great fun.

AnotherName456 · 25/10/2021 09:18

@Netflix345

He has this 21 year old colleague and apparently one day she didn’t wear make up to work, and someone referred to her as ‘dude’.

He told me the story then said “She’s the last person you could mistake for a guy, whether she’s wearing make up or not!”

So he tells your you're beautiful with no make up but then goes on to say how a woman at his work, who is attractive, was mistaken for a "dude" because she wasn't wearing make up? Why is he even telling you that? It sounds like he's trying to make you feel insecure

Grapewrath · 25/10/2021 09:19

Your partner sounds controlling
I had an ex who told me he hated me wearing make up, because I didn’t need it. Hated me dieting because he loved me the way I was. Didn’t want me to have my hair cut or dyed because natural is better. Looking back, I’m fairly sure he didn’t want me to change anything that might make me slightly more attractive because he was insecure. I’m not saying that’s the case with your partner but just something to be aware of.
At the end of the day, it’s your body. My current partner isn’t keen on tattoos or piercings but I have several. It didn’t enter my mind to care what he thought when choosing what to do tbh

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