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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don’t feel my best looking at the minute

67 replies

Netflix345 · 25/10/2021 08:09

I had a ‘hook’ nose which I never liked and had rude comments on over the years. A year ago I had nose filler and I was so happy with the results, it gave me so much confidence.
My boyfriend didn’t understand it at all and thinks I should just love my natural nose. I do understand, but it’s easy to say when you are happy with your own nose.
Anyway the filler is wearing off and the bump is returning, but we’re trying to save for a house deposit.

As well as this, I had my hair cut into a pixie cut which just looks like a mushroom. I have had short hair for a while but never this short. I’m usually happy with my hair but this cut is just not flattering, I’m scraping it back with headbands and clips and considering getting a wig.

Have also wanted to go blonde for a while (dark brown naturally). Bf thinks this won’t suit me and that I should just love my natural colour.

I do like my natural colour, I’d just like to try blonde as I think it would look nice. I am also quite grey now despite being 30 but he sees me using hair dye as pointless. Even a hairdresser told me that I have quite a lot of grey so I’m not imagining it.

I don’t begrudge anyone having anything done if it makes them happier. Obviously there are extremes, I think it’s sad that people change their entire face and become addicted to surgery, it’s a shame. I am happy with myself on a whole and like the majority of what I have.

I do feel happier with a straighter nose and I just don’t like my original one. My partner really disagrees with it. We just can’t agree on it. He works with very beautiful women who, I’m sure have their own insecurities. However it’s hard sometimes to not compare myself, even if I know he loves me, I know he finds them attractive as he’s told me in one way or another.
Has anyone ever had these disagreements? Would you just get the filler/hair dye if it made you feel better ?

OP posts:

Salayes · 25/10/2021 09:19

On the surface of it what he’s doing is kind of nice - acting like he embraces the ‘natural’ look in you or other women he sees. Dig a bit deeper and it’s a bit odd he is so convinced with no evidence that he knows what grooming or other treatments people have had and is so OTT about you even to the extent of objecting to hair dye. I’m not sure why it’s uncomfortable…probably because he seems to assume he knows best about women’s appearances as well as what they’ve had done and what they should or shouldn’t do and how they should feel about their appearance. It’s quite patronising really.

Would be interested to know what his grooming routine is! Does he like certain clothes for example, go to the gym, have his hair done a certain way etc?

Embroidery · 25/10/2021 09:23

The beautiful women at work will have spent a lot on their appearance. That's how beauty works.
You seem insecure and I know why: it's him -ensuring you stay insecure and belittling you.

I think he is intimidated by the women at work, knows they would never consider him as a romantic interest and wants to keep you away from looking like them so you dont reject him. He's actively discouraging you from looking your best.

Yogawankonobi · 25/10/2021 09:30

Between this and your other post I think you may be quite obsessed by this colleague.

Is this ‘boyfriend’ worth it?

Boatonthehorizon · 25/10/2021 09:31

If you had a chance to ask these women I bet they have regular filler and botox, lips done, eyebrows done, monthly professional cut and colour, nails done, pedicures. And anything more long term fixed, eg teeth, nose.
All above is often done to a natural level not teen instagram level so its invisible.

Of course theyve 'had work done". Men are completely deluded. One of the reasons its so popular to get work done, is because people esp men cant tell youve had it done and will argue your naturally beautiful. Ha!

Couchbettato · 25/10/2021 09:33

Oh OP. Go for it!

If not now, when?

Don't let some man try and control what you do even if it's with gentle words. You do you, and you own it.

If nose filler and blonde hair give you a fiery confidence in yourself and make you feel better then who is he to stop you?

mountbattenbergcake · 25/10/2021 09:49

On the face of it, him telling you don’t need anything done is nice but where his behaviours starts to get quite odd is the comparison with the women he works with and the insistence that they haven’t had anything done or don’t need make up.

Is he keeping a close eye on this behaviour, he might prefer it if you keep your insecurities.

mountbattenbergcake · 25/10/2021 09:50

*I’d be keeping

Original poster

Netflix345 · 25/10/2021 09:50

I’m ashamed to say but I just looked at his phone. He has texted her quite a few times but not really any other of these women. One day just asking her to meet up, another night he was out at a party, he didn’t text me all night but he had texted her asking if she was coming, then he texted her yesterday too.

OP posts:

30mph · 25/10/2021 09:51

Your body, your choice. Your money, your choice. TBH, I'd be concerned that his comments were potential red flags for controlling behaviours.

LAgeDeRaisin · 25/10/2021 09:53

If you weren't both saving for a deposit I'd say go for it. But if I had set a saving goal with a long term partner about buying a house, and my partner started spending money on frivolous/unnecessary things, I'd probably be trying to gently coax them out of it too.

It depends how much all these things are costing and whether it eats into the amount you have agreed to save. If nose fillers and hair dye at a salon are going to be several hundred pounds a month that you agreed was for a house then that's not really okay.

All this talk about his colleagues is irrelevant.

Do what you want but he'd be within his rights to reconsider the relationship.. how would you like it if he started spending money that was pre-agreed for a house for the two of you on going on things solely for himself- an expensive holiday alone or going out for a boozy lunch every day?

This isn't about style or about his view about your looks, it's about whether you are spending joint money on yourself at the expense of a home.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 25/10/2021 09:54

It's your face, so its up to you what you do with it. However, he's equally entitled to leave you if you keep making changes that he finds unattractive.

People on here regularly say that it's OK to leave someone for any reason or no reason at all. It works the other way as well, pissing a load of money repeatedly on something that makes you objectively less attractive to him could well be one of those reasons.

LAgeDeRaisin · 25/10/2021 09:54

If there's an issue about a woman at his work then that's separate- and having cosetic procedures wont fix it.

Original poster

Netflix345 · 25/10/2021 09:54

He spends a fortune on going out drinking, the filler is something I get once a year, and I dye my own hair. I don’t think it’s that he’s bothered about really

OP posts:

Chocaholic9 · 25/10/2021 09:55

I think you should do exactly what you want with your nose and hair colour, and spend the money on it. He doesn't really get a say in it. It's more important that you feel happy and confident.

Original poster

Netflix345 · 25/10/2021 10:09

Shall I confront him about her ?
Yesterday too he said I seemed to have shrunk then it somehow came into the conversation that she was tall? I asked how tall and he said same height as him

OP posts:

mountbattenbergcake · 25/10/2021 10:17

Yesterday too he said I seemed to have shrunk then it somehow came into the conversation that she was tall? I asked how tall and he said same height as him

That’s so nasty of him. He is definitely playing on your insecurities.

Merryoldgoat · 25/10/2021 10:19

He’s trying to undermine you. You want your partner to be happy and feel nice.

There’s a difference between saying ‘I think you’re lovely but if it makes you feel better then of course you should’ to what he’s saying to you.

He wants you insecure and devoted to him - not confident and feeling great.

Chocaholic9 · 25/10/2021 10:19

It sounds very much like he's trying to make you feel bad about yourself.

Hankunamatata · 25/10/2021 10:20

OP I'd consider getting a nose job. Most importantly you have to be happy.with yourself

ablutiions · 25/10/2021 10:20

It's lovely that he loves you just the way you are, but you need to love you just as much. And if that means make-up and nose fillers, so be it.

My DH loves me unconditionally too, and even when I look totally shit (as I do at the moment because I'm ill) he tells me that I still look beautiful and sexy. I actually look grim, with grubby hair, grey skin and dark circles under my eyes, with a newly acquired spare-tyre round my middle, but he doesn't see that through his love-goggles

Making your hair blonde can be fab and uplifting, so do it if it makes you feel good. He will love you whatever, so just get in with the self adornments and don't mention it to him. You'll feel better for it.

LAgeDeRaisin · 25/10/2021 10:20

Reading all of your updates, he doesn't sound very nice

Chocaholic9 · 25/10/2021 10:20

I wonder if he has a crush on her and is comparing you unfavourably. If so, that's not fair on you. You deserve someone who likes you the way you are.

Original poster

Netflix345 · 25/10/2021 10:29

I feel rubbish now. Don’t really know what to say to him

OP posts:

MintyGreenDream · 25/10/2021 10:32

I didnt "need" a boob job after pregnancy but I had one.
I don't "need" Botox on my forehead but I have it.

I look good for 41 and I want to stay that way.Dh just let's me get on with it.We're not in debt and I feel more confident for it.

Chocaholic9 · 25/10/2021 10:35

@Netflix345

I feel rubbish now. Don’t really know what to say to him

I wouldn't say anything. Instead, concentrate on what is going to make you feel good about yourself. Get the nose job or the filler. Dye your hair. Try some new outfits or make up. Basically whatever it is makes you feel good. Don't let him make you feel bad about yourself. Act a little distant and be more unavailable, if he starts putting you down in subtle ways.

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