To offer him a banana?

[larrythelizard]

DS is 2 and 4 months.

Historically food and eating has been a battle but more recently he's been better and he's eaten what he's been given for meals (obviously he eats everything at nursery)

We're careful with timing and quantity of snacks (most of the time offering fruit/breadsticks etc).

Tonight he has decided against his dinner and would not try and mouthful of it. It was a creamy chicken thing with mash and grated cheese.

DH was adamant that DS wasn't to eat anything else however after 90 mins of ignoring the fuss he was making/cajoling him/trying the naughty step, DS has still refused to even try it (i offered a 'special spoon' to try and offer him a way to climb down from his protest without feeling he was giving in etc)

I've just offered him some milk and a banana as a compromise before bed as he's clearly hungry (I think dinner looks too saucy for him).

DH thinks I shouldn't have offered DS anything else.

WIBU to offer him a banana?

I'm all for setting boundaries but I've never made food a battle ground before and it sits uncomfortably with me.

What age do they understand consequence ie you will be hungry in the night?

Please don't make an issue out of food! Your son is still tiny. So long as you're offering a healthy balanced diet, just leave him to decide what he wants to eat and when he is hungry.

And no, I wouldn't send a 2 year old to bed hungry. They'll just wake up and that will wake you up.

Please don’t battle over food. My parents did and I didn’t eat for YEARS and I was fine but I have horrific memories of the fights and the misery.

Your son is little. It’s hard when they’re tired and they don’t want something – they can’t understand why this should be punished. Just give toast or a banana or yoghurt or milk. Not an alternative dinner - just easy, comforting calories. There’s a reason simple things are called nursery food. Your DH is wrong.

"Getting the Little Blighters to eat" is a very short, very clear and very helpful book. I recommend both you and your husband read it and change your approach to mealtimes.

DH and I both grew up in homes where food was a eat it or go hungry situation. Mostly from poverty though. They didn’t have the option to offer us an alternative. We very rarely did not eat, but I did refuse a few things...eyeballs is one thing I remember because when I refused I remember my mother crying and saying I was too thin and HAD to eat.

So one of the agreements DH and I had was our DC would never go hungry not for any reason. Once they could talk, we would discuss with them what to make to eat for every meal. We didn’t mind being short order cooks. We’d make meals for them, and then something for us. We’d encourage them to try what we were eating if they were curious. As they got older, we did weekly meal plans with them being part of the choosing of meals and transitioned to one meal for whole family.

I agree food should not be a battleground, it should be enjoyable for everyone in the family. And you were right to offer an alternative as no child should go hungry or be hungry AND punished for it!

On a side note, two of my DC were diagnosed with ASD and were very fussy eaters. We always made what they wanted, but the fussiness was more about not letting certain foods touch each other...so often a meal we’d put in one bowl for us, they’d have separated out onto three small plates. But you simply adapt and move on.

The goal is a nice meal where everyone is happy, fed and talking.

@Slowfoxfast

I was brought up to eat what I was given

So were we and all of us have had an eating disorder.

I wasn't. My dad was an orphan and he was brought up in an orphanage where the rule was eat it or starve. He never forgot it and never made us eat anything and there was always something on the table that we would eat...even if it was only mashed potato and gravy. He (and my Mum) hted wasted food so their way of managing it was to give us what we would eat...not whole alternative meals but something.

Totally disagree that 2 is too young for the naughty step. But keep it for the really undesirable behaviour you need to stop - hiting, biting, pulling hair, throwing toy cars at the tv screen... And certainly not for refusing to eat - your job is to provide food, they decide whether they want to eat and how much.

I wouldn't eat that as a grown up, I have never been able to eat anything covered in sauce or gravy. He is a very young child who understands hungry and thirsty and looks to his parents to help him with this. I doubt if he understands your DH ideas on using the lack of food as a punishment or a training aid if you like

When my DC were little, and shall we say 'unreliable' eaters, they always had cereal or toast for supper just before bed. Enough removed from tea time that it wasn't a reward for not eating what was served but meant they weren't going to bed hungry. They grew out of it. Although DS1 16 has started again.

@PlanDeRaccordement interesting how similar circumstances shape people differently. My mum was starving as a child (not just poor but red cross feeding station starving). She eats anything and would never have dreamt of offering us a choice of options as kids. She very much saw at as important that there was food and wouldnt make you eat, but she didnt cater to fussiness at all. If you said you didnt like it she'd tell you that it tasted better than flour paste with saccharine or "what doesnt kill you fattens you". I was still a bit fussy til I saw (not experienced) proper hunger at first hand myself though. With my kids I always felt positively decadent because I let them choose 3 things they didnt have to eat.

Judgement not really helpful? I don’t know where to begin. Your baby is TWO. FFS. Big of you to allow him a banana but hey at least your H thinks he’s a top dad …

90 minutes is cruel and or it’s become a game. Try for 15 minutes and that’s it.

Honestly there must be more to this- surely you don’t sit for 90 minutes trying to persuade your toddler to eat a meal? It’s definitely not the right approach to establishing a positive and healthy mindset towards food.

I would honestly suggest saying it’s supper time at a slightly later time than usual, sitting down to eat and offering him food. Don’t make a fuss or anything about any food he eats, no prraize etc. If he doesn’t eat after 15 minutes then say he can get down and play but no more food. Do you all sit and eat a meal together or do you spend 90 minutes cuddling and tempting him to eat?

Poor baby this makes me sad😢 90 minutes of trying to force him to eat ?! Putting him on a naughty step?! That’s abuse, you are going to damage your poor child if you act like this, how traumatic for them. Mine refused his dinner tonight so I waited an hour and have porridge , cheese and a plum. I would NEVER refuse food if they don’t eat dinner that’s horrendous.

Yanbu. You did the right thing.
I grew up with a very controlling parent especially where food was concerned. It was also used as punishment, it was often withdrawn for days for the most ridiculous of things. Both me and my sibling have suffered eating disorders. I have a horrible relationship with food now.
My 3 year old is a very picky eater, I would never withhold food. If the kids don't eat their dinner there is always fruit/ veg / or toast available. My first child grew out of the picky eating stage by the time she started school.

Oh I don't agree with the naughty step but don't agree with undermining DH in front of DS - we will be discussing this evening. Yes you can agree on a strategy and it should not include the naughty step. That is cruel and any child cannot be reasoned with under the age of 3 years old. He's absolutely not abusive but took it too far this afternoon (by too far I mean 45s on the naughty step). Yes that is abusive. He punished his 2 year old for not eating. Had DH or you not considered DS is overtired/has a tummy ache/ear ache? Just not hungry now?

I'll look that book up. The trouble with baby books is that the baby hasn't read the book.

I think it's great that you included DS to cook the meal but if just doesn't want it then ask him what he wants to eat instead. It's his dinnertime and he is entirely dependent on you both at this age for food. He might just be too tired to eat it.

Don't make mealtimes a battlefield.

Poor child. Put hubby on the naughty step so he can reconsider his own behaviour. He is not to throw a tantrum.

@larrythelizard p.s the 90mins was abuse too. He's not suddenly going to give in is he?

Gosh that sounds so awful :( we don’t make food a battleground either. I serve the food, always with one ‘safe’ food on the plate. It’s up to them if they eat it or not. I don’t ask, cajole, punish or anything else about food. We sit and chat at the table and then when I’m finished I ask if they’re going to eat or not and if not I take the plate away no issues. I would have given the banana too if it’s what you normally do every night.

I was just saying to dp the other day that I feel sorry for kids when it comes to food. As adults we have a say in what we eat and what they might fancy having for tea that day but with kids it's just put in front of them and it's tough shit whether they fancy it or not. I'm very easy going when it comes to my dc and food, if they don't eat their meal then I will make them some toast or similar and just try that particular meal again another day. I'm certainly not going to get into a battle of trying to force a child to eat

Naughty step and 90 minutes spent trying to get him to eat????

He's two years old ffs! Both you and your husband are completely out of order. Sorry but this thread has really upset me. Are you trying to set your tiny child up for an eating disorder? If he doesn't want to eat something then don't try and make him. If he asks for a banana then give him one. He's TWO YEARS OLD.

You should both be ashamed of yourselves. I hope going forward you will show your little boy more compassion and understanding.

@StaplesCorner I'm absolutely sick of this modern belief that nobody should be judged. Sorry but if you do such shitty things to your children then you should be judged and rightly so.

This thread has really upset me. Poor little boy. I'd have left my DH if he's tried to put our two year old on the naughty step. Just awful

‘I don't want DS to think that he can choose not to eat dinner and demand something else, that's not ok - he usually has dinner then bath then banana and milk before bed anyway so wasn't that dissimilar tonight’.

Honestly, he’s a baby and can’t think on those terms. He just doesn’t want what he’s been given. Its annoying when you've cooked something and they don’t like it. But it happens. all the time, and doesn’t necessarily get easier as they get older (my brilliant eater at 2 was extremely fussy at 3). Have a stock alternative, toast, porridge etc and just offer that instead. As loads of people have said, it’s not something to make into an issue.

I meal plan on the basis that there has to be something everyone will comfortably eat as part of a meal, so no one has to go hungry even if that is just bread or dessert. We don’t have time for a bedtime snack after dinner so that works for us.

Just serve something your toddler can fill up on and job done. You’ll find he’ll try the more interesting food with time and lack of pressure.

Read some Ellyn Satter and division of responsibility stuff and realise that whether or how much he eats is nothing to do with you. Your job is to choose the food, serve it and eat with him, no drama, no fuss. He doesn’t want to eat it? Ok no worries. If you’re getting into special spoons and just one bites and naughty steps then you’re majorly off track. You provide food, he eats or doesn’t, who cares?

Please buy 'How to talk so little kids will listen'. There are some much more effective (and respectful) ways to 'discipline' kids than the naughty step.

Also, kidseatincolor on Facebook and I think Instagram is brilliant for avoiding food battles.

YABU

When your husband is being abusive and potentially setting your child up for serious issues with food, then yes, you absolutely should undermine him. Ridiculous behaviour on your DH part and pretty weak on yours too.

Also, on second thoughts, I think you’re being abusive for going along with this. Sort yourself out OP.