To offer him a banana?

[larrythelizard]

DS is 2 and 4 months.

Historically food and eating has been a battle but more recently he's been better and he's eaten what he's been given for meals (obviously he eats everything at nursery)

We're careful with timing and quantity of snacks (most of the time offering fruit/breadsticks etc).

Tonight he has decided against his dinner and would not try and mouthful of it. It was a creamy chicken thing with mash and grated cheese.

DH was adamant that DS wasn't to eat anything else however after 90 mins of ignoring the fuss he was making/cajoling him/trying the naughty step, DS has still refused to even try it (i offered a 'special spoon' to try and offer him a way to climb down from his protest without feeling he was giving in etc)

I've just offered him some milk and a banana as a compromise before bed as he's clearly hungry (I think dinner looks too saucy for him).

DH thinks I shouldn't have offered DS anything else.

WIBU to offer him a banana?

I'm all for setting boundaries but I've never made food a battle ground before and it sits uncomfortably with me.

What age do they understand consequence ie you will be hungry in the night?

Dragging it out for 90 minutes is cruel and counter-productive. It's a great way to make him view food even more negatively.

Also, the advice the dietician gave us was that mealtimes should not exceed 20-30 minutes. If he hasn’t eaten then take the food away and mealtime is over.

If he’s still hungry offer something plain like toast and butter or a banana.

I have a similar aged (and difficult) toddler. Sometimes I put food down in front of him and he just says 'No' and waves goodbye to it. I ask him if he's sure. He generally says yes and I take it away. No battles, no drama. If I was planning on serving a dessert (fruit/yoghurt), he gets that and, depending on what else he's eaten that day, maybe a slice of toast. He doesn't have to try anything. The only thing I insist is that he doesn't throw the food on the floor but so long as he's polite, I shrug and that's that. I remember having so many battles over food as a child and I hated it so much. Now, I choose not to.

This made me sad. Poor kid is tiny. Of course you don't let him go to bed hungry. He's just a baby. He won't make the link between not eating dinner= hungry in night, he will just be sad and upset and not understand why you're not fixing it for him.
If mine don't eat dinner they always can have a glass of milk, crackers or toast before bed. Don't make food a battleground.

90mins! Oh dear. The best advice I have ever taken and used is, put on the child's plate a new thing or food they don't like, just leave it there, don't ask them to try it or pressure them, and repeat. Usually over time they pick up the veg and start eating it.

You and your husband spent 90 minutes trying to get your 2 year old to eat something he clearly didn't want to eat? And, you put him on the 'naughty' step?!
Are you out of your mind?!
Poor child.

Maybe I'm soft but I don't punish for not eating. I remember being dragged in to a battle of wills when they were younger because I would worry like crazy that they weren't eating enough! But it didn't solve anything.

They are older now but one is still very fussy. We always strongly encourage them to eat whatever we've offered but if they don't like it, they don't like it. I'd never cook them a new meal- but they're old enough now to get themselves a slice of toast/ bowl of cereal/ piece of fruit.

I have some food issues myself, so I feel like I can sympathise when my own DC's don't like something. OH can get really stressed with them, so I try my best to keep things calm.

We tried the following;

Always have one thing on their plate that you know they like, then they have to try the other, new, things but they don’t have to eat them.

If they are still hungry after dinner they can have fruit, yoghurt or oatcakes and cheese. Not toast because they’d rather eat that than dinner!

Usually no pudding to avoid the whole not eating dinner and then what do we do about dinner issues.

No ‘well done’ for eating or clearing plates as they leads to bad habits as adults.

All of that is pretty normal these days.

If my 2 year old won't eat dinner i will say 9kay youre not hungry and clear it away. i will then offer something boring later on for supper like toast and banana and milk. I would never send dcto bed hungry, they beed their calories and nutrition! It is just a phase and won't be habit forming and mine have always gone back to eating. I have found it can be molars/a cold/late snack/dislikes dinner choice etc at play that puts them off.

I was brought up to eat what I was given.
I carried on that way with my own DC.

Apart from not expecting them to eat things they very clearly disliked (parsnip is an example), we all grew up without "eating disorders".

Certainly no punishment for refusing food - their choice not to eat it & no substitution.

need*

I appreciate the pun @Namechanger20183110 - it is used very very rarely in this house but often that 60s or whatever gives DS a chance to calm down and then after some cuddles he will apologise for throwing something etc etc.

I didn't know that @YoBeaches so thanks - he's getting there on potty training and we only have an accident every couple of days.

Thanks for the advice @mintdream. He did go up for a bath/play upstairs after the first refusal as we thought he might just not be hungry enough yet.

DS did have banana and milk before bed.

This is the first big battle we've had over food, clearly we didn't handle it quite right - some really useful advice on this thread thanks (judgement not really helpful but expected as I posted in AIBU)

Additionally, I switched to offering ‘new’ foods at lunchtime knowing they would still have a meal before bed.

I agree with others that I wouldn’t sit mine for longer than it took the rest of us to finish. It’s counterproductive at that point because it simply a battle of wills at that point and not about trying a new food.

My mum ended up sneaking sandwiches to my niece after my sister and her husband wouldn’t give her extra food after not eating her dinner. The child is 4 FFS and was sobbing that her tummy hurt. My mum was staying the night and snuck in with the sandwiches but is concerned it happens regularly. Don’t let him go to bed hungry even if he’s being a pain.

You also need to be able to take your DH to one side and say ‘we need to back down from this without losing face, how about we all have toast as pudding tonight’ or whatever.
If he’s doing something cruel you do need to undermine him, or stop him. You need to talk to him about his ideas in general too.

(And on a practical basis, you don’t want him waking up crying at 3am because he’s so hungry. Maybe that reasoning would be a good thing to say to DH?)

The Big Little Feelings Instagram account has great advice for fussy kids. You just put down their dinner in front of them (including any pudding if you were going to give it), make sure there's something that he will always eat on the plate (so maybe add a side of vegetables or salad he'll eat, or yogurt, or even serve the banana with the meal) and then don't say anything else. No cajoling or special spoons or punishments. You choose what he eats and when he eats it, and he chooses how much of it to eat. (Obviously this is for children who are just a bit fussy, children with sensory issues, ARFID or anything else which affects their eating will be different).

Your Husband has weird ideas about feeding a child. I would tell him to shut up. You don't ever have to punish a small child, if the child refuses any food, you use common sense, and see if the child will eat something else. Lots of children have things they won't eat at given times, so you try something else as a rule. Bananas are a good standby,if they are cut into small pieces, to avoid choking.

Big discussion coming up tonight @SheWoreYellow - we're usually on the same page about discipline etc but not tonight.

Will give that a follow @toastofthetown

It was completely a battle of wills @Gatehouse77 - he would have eaten that dinner no problem at nursery - I think that's the thing that frustrates us; we know he's not a bad eater at nursery but home is a different story!

This thread has given me more confidence that my approach this evening was correct.

I'm an old lady now - almost retirement age - but I felt really triggered reading this. Food was a battleground when I was a child. We didn't have a naughty step; we were made to stand in the corner instead. We had to sit at the table indefinitely while food grew cold and tempers grew frayed. Once my mother gave me a plate of cold vegetables for breakfast because I hadn't eaten them the previous evening. Please don't do this to your child and don't underestimate the psychological impact of your actions. Punishing a refusal to eat can lead to a lifetime of disordered eating. Believe me, I know.

He's 2.4.

Just stop with all the drama. Make meals he likes and put a new thing on the side for him to try if he wants to.

Honestly, the battles you have with toddlers really isn't worth it.

They're grown before you know it & it doesn't matter if he wouldn't eat cheesy mash potato & chicken in sauce one night

He is too young to understand anything that isn't an Immediate consequence! Like not eating dinner & being hungry later.

I know it feels like 'a big deal' now but when you look back you'll realise it was not.

Naughty step for not eating dinner. No way. Deliberately hitting another child or something, maybe... but mouth eating?! Your DH needs to lose the need to exert control in this way.

Your husband was wrong, you are right to offer a healthy snack before bed. 2 is far too young to punish for not eating. My brother would starve himself for long periods, when he was a toddler. It was made worse with punishments. It improved when they ignored him when he didn't eat, and offered small amounts of healthy food at other times. No junk food was ever offered as they didn't want him to think he'd get better tasting food, if he didn't eat his meals.

I have a similar age child with autism and a food issue called arfid

He eats what he wants, when he wants. We were told look at the weekly intake not daily and trust he will fancy whatever he needs. We honestly seek to have some weeks of only chocolate then the next fruit and veg then back again alongside a few ‘safe’ foods (a type of cracker, waffles, chips, smooth yogurt of one brand only)

When my DD reached 3 she understood consequences better and I could say if she didn’t eat her food there wouldn’t be anything else but before then I didn’t bother; as frustrating as it is I didn’t feel she could understand the consequences and I didn’t want her to be hungry in the night so I’d give her crackers or cereal or toast before bed.
In total honesty even at 3 once she understood consequences I probably would have still given her something before bed but it became easier to negotiate so I didn’t have to.

With meals like this, I would give the mash with cheese, some veg they will definitely eat, abd some pieces of chicken out of the sauce. Introduce it a bit at a time