to be sick of DP interfering in everything I do??

[FancyLampshade]

Typical example:

• catching a flight and checking in my own hold luggage. DP stands behind me, sticks his head over my shoulder and points over to correct which button I'm pressing (I've travelled extensively alone....)

(This one just springs to mind as it was recently and was the moment when I clocked that he's always involving himself in whatever I'm doing!)

It's weird as he's not obviously bossy (and he doesn't have to 'have his own way' all the time), it's more in the guise of being 'helpful'. We've been together a few years and somehow I've only recently noticed that he does this, but now I have, I realise that he does it constantly throughout any given day. I've always found he can be a bit suffocating and find myself getting quite tense and irritable, however it's kind of quite gently done so not obvious?? It's literally only clicked in the past few weeks that this is something that is putting me on edge constantly.

Now I've picked up on it, I'm curious, is this a thing that people do, am I BU in finding it irritating in the extreme.

He sounds annoying. Is he a 'know all' type?

Now I've picked up on it, I'm curious, is this a thing that people do, am I BU in finding it irritating in the extreme

YANU. My DH can do this sometimes but usually pick him up on it, but then I'm not know for diplomacy

Tell him what bothers you. Give examples. Ask him why he does it. Make it clear you want him to stop. YANBU to be pissed off, but there's a very small possibility that he's oblivious. Give him a chance to stop, but not endless chances.

When I was driving, DP occasionally used to say, 'handbrake, turn off engine' at the end of a journey, as if he was my driving instructor and I was going to exit the car leaving the engine running, and let it roll down the road. I had been driving for 20 years before I met him! He did have bossy, domineering tendencies, but I just picked him up on it every time, until he saw the light.

@queenMab99

When I was driving, DP occasionally used to say, 'handbrake, turn off engine' at the end of a journey, as if he was my driving instructor and I was going to exit the car leaving the engine running, and let it roll down the road. I had been driving for 20 years before I met him! He did have bossy, domineering tendencies, but I just picked him up on it every time, until he saw the light.

OMG that's hilarious @queen! Well done on nipping it in the bud!!!

Yes - it’s really irritating.

My dad was exactly the same.

@pinkyredrose

He sounds annoying. Is he a 'know all' type?

This is the thing, he's kind of not obviously domineering or know-it-all at all. I think this is why it's taken me so long to spot as he's so mild-mannered and accommodating, etc., although does have form for being overbearing and suffocating in a 'helping' me with things kind of way.

But it's like now I've noticed it I can't believe it hasn't been obvious all along as I've realised he does it all the time .... like constantly suggesting different ways I can do things, or suggesting that he does some task that I'm about to do instead of me... he's just constantly peering over my shoulder pointing out how to do something (usually something that is 100% obvious and unnecessary....)

is he a teacher?

I should point out I am also a perfectly capable person, very happily independent by nature and was happily single for some time before we met! I am not someone who is always asking for help with things, in fact I'd say I tend in the opposite direction if anything... If it's not immediately clear how to do something, I enjoy working it out myself. (For example: my laptop screen broke, so rather than sending it to a shop to be repaired, I ordered a replacement and used a YouTube tutorial to do it myself.)

@dizzy174

is he a teacher?

No, although he does come from a family of teachers!

Sounds like chronic mansplaining and as irritating as hell. I would have stamped on it immediately but then I'm a stroppy madame.

I'd try to be gentle the first time with a "Does it look like I need your help?" but if that didn't work, I'd go straight to nuclear.

Mine does the same. Or he’ll watch me doing something with such absorbed attention I'm waiting for him to say “you may wish to consider...”

He even tries telling me how to do my hobby that he's never done and has zero knowledge of (then gets offended when I point out that a) I'm following the instructions which have always yielded the desired result and b) I've been doing this for 4 years and have run workshops teaching other people how to do this!)

Sounds irritating. What happens when you tell him to wind his neck in?

If I am honest, I can sometimes do this to DH and the DDs around the house with things like loading the dishwasher (or they'd put it on with only a handful of items in it, that is my excuse). They just eyeroll at me and it is rather a family joke.

I never tell anyone how to handle their luggage around an airport though. I'll fuss over my own, but they can take care of theirs.

He sounds really annoying
Start doing it back to him

@Topseyt

Sounds irritating. What happens when you tell him to wind his neck in?

If I am honest, I can sometimes do this to DH and the DDs around the house with things like loading the dishwasher (or they'd put it on with only a handful of items in it, that is my excuse). They just eyeroll at me and it is rather a family joke.

I never tell anyone how to handle their luggage around an airport though. I'll fuss over my own, but they can take care of theirs.

Yeah in fairness I will point out household stuff e.g. if he's leaving foodstuff on our plates as he washes up (he does know how to wash up, but just sometimes rushes it...) But that's because it affects us both and we'll just have to wash it again!

I've spoken to him and said he will stop doing it – I don't think it's thought out, I think he just is compelled to for whatever reason. We've been on holiday and I've been getting a bit ratty ! because it feels like it's any given thing he will be doing it. I think he's now being mindful and trying not to but it keeps creeping in through force of habit.

My DH is just the same, even after years of me snapping at him. I have lost count of the times i have told him i am not thick. Now i just do the same to him and it drives him wild, he ends up sulking. It is a man thing

@OliviaKeeling

Mine does the same. Or he’ll watch me doing something with such absorbed attention I'm waiting for him to say “you may wish to consider...”

He even tries telling me how to do my hobby that he's never done and has zero knowledge of (then gets offended when I point out that a) I'm following the instructions which have always yielded the desired result and b) I've been doing this for 4 years and have run workshops teaching other people how to do this!)

Aggghhh! Does it drive you mad or do you manage to take it in your stride??

I think that's the most annoying thing, when it's often stuff that I'm more capable at and have more experience of....!

It depends on my mood. Sometimes a gentle “fuck off” works, other times I go ballistic. Somewhere between the two.

@OliviaKeeling

It depends on my mood. Sometimes a gentle “fuck off” works, other times I go ballistic. Somewhere between the two.

My ex used to unpack the shopping I'd just bagged up at the till and put it back in the 'correct' way.

We'd end up with a whole queue of people with murderous rage emanating from their pores while they waited for ages for the twat to repack what I'd just done. Once he even called the manager over because the employee bagging up our groceries put a tin in the 'wrong' bag

Omg. I had an ex like this. Treated me like I was some kind of invalid even though I was a fit Young 20something. They worked with children and adults with special needs and disabilities so they just never switched off. If the burgeoning alcoholism hadn't made me leave, this would have.

I now have a young colleague who does the same.dashes to pick something up if I drop something, asks if I'm ok, like I'm terminally ill, 10 times a day. Live the lass but that part of our working relationship is getting very frustrating.

I think it is a man thing.

You just have to call him on it every time. My DH has developed a habit of saying 'what you don't understand is ...' and it drives me insane. I just turn it back on to him every single time and he now realises how annoying it is.

@RonaKnob

Omg. I had an ex like this. Treated me like I was some kind of invalid even though I was a fit Young 20something. They worked with children and adults with special needs and disabilities so they just never switched off. If the burgeoning alcoholism hadn't made me leave, this would have.

I now have a young colleague who does the same.dashes to pick something up if I drop something, asks if I'm ok, like I'm terminally ill, 10 times a day. Live the lass but that part of our working relationship is getting very frustrating.

OMG this sounds exactly like him!!!! All of that stuff, constantly asking if I'm ok (I've literally developed an aversion to being asked if I'm ok, makes instantly annoyed), offering to get me a glass of water or squash every half an hour, exactly as you say, as if you're some sort of ailing invalid, it's infantilising and very irritating.

@CheltenhamLady

I think it is a man thing.

You just have to call him on it every time. My DH has developed a habit of saying 'what you don't understand is ...' and it drives me insane. I just turn it back on to him every single time and he now realises how annoying it is.

Aggghhhh that is SO annoying. That would drive me mad, I would be vibrating with rage at this comment...! Yeah bet he can't stand it either!

Many men just think they know best. They think us wimmin are a bit inferior, and they think they can do everything better than us. And they do NOT like it when we do something better than them, or achieve something better or bigger. Puts a dent in their big manly ego.

My DH does 'low level' shit like this. As a pp said, from complaining about groceries being put in the 'wrong bag,' to adjusting the way I have shut the curtains. I don't care anymore. When I shut the curtains now, I say 'there you go, I've shut the curtains, d'ya wanna get up and adjust them?'

Same with putting stuff in the trolley on the rare occasion we do the food shop together. (Once a month maybe.) I put something, in the trolley, and he almost ALWAYS 'adjusts it.' So again, I put the box of cereal into the trolley and say, 'there ya go, just move the box to the part of the trolley where YOU want it to be...'

He just looks blank, and sometimes doesn't even bother adjusting anything, as I am basically taking the piss out him, without being nasty, and he doesn't know how to react.

When I reverse the car up the drive, he sometimes even goes out and moves it, as I 'parked it too close to the public footpath...' (It was 6 feet away, and he moves it up a foot!)

As I say, it's the whole men think they know best bollux. I don't care anymore, and as I say, I just take the piss out of him now. I do have occasions when I get really angry (if I am in a bad mood,) or even just snippy, but 90% of the time I let it wash over me, because whilst he thinks men are superior to women, I KNOW women are superior to men.