Page 2 | to be sick of DP interfering in everything I do??

FancyLampshade · 2021-10-23T10:17:01+00:00

Typical example: - catching a flight and checking in my own hold luggage. DP stands behind me, sticks his head over my shoulder and points over to correct which button I'm pressing (I've travelled extensively alone....) (This one just springs to mind as it was recently and was the moment when I clocked that he's always involving himself in whatever I'm doing!) It's weird as he's not obviously bossy (and he doesn't have to 'have his own way' all the time), it's more in the guise of being 'helpful'. We've been together a few years and somehow I've only recently noticed that he does this, but now I have, I realise that he does it constantly throughout any given day. I've always found he can be a bit suffocating and find myself getting quite tense and irritable, however it's kind of quite gently done so not obvious?? It's literally only clicked in the past few weeks that this is something that is putting me on edge constantly. Now I've picked up on it, I'm curious, is this a thing that people do, am I BU in finding it irritating in the extreme.

Derrymum123 · 23/10/2021 12:45

Yes, mine does this if I am driving. Been a driver over 30 years, far longer than him. Stands on the drive at times telling me how to reverse. I do it every f*ing day, 1st time, no problem, but when he is there the constant instructions are blood boiling. I then have to make 2 or 3 attempts.
I have stopped driving when he is with me as he tells me when to overtake, change gears, speed up etc. I manage to commute to work to a town 30 miles away, daily, no problem.
Best thing is his insurance is considerably cheaper with me as a named driver.

TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons · 23/10/2021 12:46

DM, except she'll tell me what she does. Despite telling her 7 times how SmartShop works, and that how she does it means I'll have to lift my heavy trolley out, she still tells me how she does it, with the implication that I should do it that way too.

happytoday73 · 23/10/2021 12:52

Mine is the same sometimes.. I knock it on the head but he gets defensive

Him... 'I cut the peppers smaller like this'
Me:well I don't and am quite happy with them like that thanks'
Him... 'if you put the lasagna sheets in this position xsxdc'
Polite answer... 'R u a chef?' Alternatively
'I taught you how to make lasagna, go away'

Him... Why are you wearing hiking boots?
Because I want too.
Him: you aren't going hiking
No but my feet, my shoe choice

Him:it's cold outside.. You need a coat.
No I'm great thanks (even if I then freeze I won't on principle...)

Again all done as helpful but irritating as I'm a fully functioning adult rather than 5.

His family do need lot of help and guidance and look to him for advice so I think he gets it from this as it's not something he does generally

mrsbyers · 23/10/2021 12:53

I’ve been driving for 32 years , my husband passed his two years ago. At every junction when he’s in the passenger seat he leans forward and tell me if the road is clear - if he wasn’t in the fucking way I would be able to see ! Same with people on pedestrian crossings etc - I wonder how I manage to drive unaccompanied !?

LittleDandelionClock · 23/10/2021 12:54

@RonaKnob I now have a young colleague who does the same - dashes to pick something up if I drop something, asks if I'm ok, like I'm terminally ill, 10 times a day. Live the lass but that part of our working relationship is getting very frustrating.

@FancyLampshade

OMG this sounds exactly like him!!!! All of that stuff, constantly asking if I'm ok (I've literally developed an aversion to being asked if I'm ok, makes instantly annoyed), offering to get me a glass of water or squash every half an hour, exactly as you say, as if you're some sort of ailing invalid, it's infantilising and very irritating.

LOL, my DH can be like this too. If he hears something drop or clatter in the kitchen I hear 'are you all right?' And he will fly into the kitchen like shit off a shovel... Or if I even change position in my chair, he says 'you all right?' I have started to say 'yeah! are you?!'

He also insists on carrying the shopping bags when we're out too, but doesn't exercise the same 'offer of help' in the house, and will happily let me cook and do the washing and cleaning and life admin... (Yeah, yeah I know! I have always done it, and made a rod for my own back I know. He does it maybe 10% to 15% of the time...)

It's like when we're out, he wants to look the masterly helpful gent, but sits on his arse 85-90% of the rest of the time whilst I do most of the chores.

SafeMove · 23/10/2021 13:01

My DP does thos in a low key way and it really grates on me. The thing I find most infuriating is when he physically moves me or tells me that people are walking in my direction. It pisses me off because I have got to the age of 42 being able to step aside and also, we don't always need to be the ones to step aside, people can give way to us sometimes. He also kind of maneovres me over the road sometimes when crossing. Never been able to think of a come back but I am sure he learnt this from his ex who was 19 years older than him and a teacher and mothered him for 13 years. Boils my piss.

FinallyHere · 23/10/2021 13:08

It is a man thing

Oh dear, I (DW) do this to DH, thinking I'm being helpful when he is bumbling. In fairness, it makes him bumble even more so it all takes even.longer.than.before 😀

Except in the car, where I've learned to close my eyes and consciously relax my muscles so the crash won't cause me too much damage.

Reader,
we have never crashed when he is driving

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 23/10/2021 13:08

I'm a 'helper' or I was.

My Mum was the same when we were going up - an opinion on everything!

My husband started pointing it out when we first got together and it was the first time I'd realised I was overstepping. Point it out to him, he probably doesn't even realise he does it/it's not normal.

His reaction will let you know if it's an alarm bell or not.

LittleDandelionClock · 23/10/2021 13:09

@mrsbyers

I’ve been driving for 32 years , my husband passed his two years ago. At every junction when he’s in the passenger seat he leans forward and tell me if the road is clear - if he wasn’t in the fucking way I would be able to see ! Same with people on pedestrian crossings etc - I wonder how I manage to drive unaccompanied !?

Oh, same here. DH always has something to say about my driving. Nothing nasty, just low-level nit-picking (in the guise of 'helping...') When I drove him from the hospital on the 4 times he had to be driven by me (after a certain treatment) during 2018, he was constantly giving me directions from the hospital, to our home. (A route I have driven more than him.)

On the 4th trip, he started telling me to go into 5th gear, and that our turning was second left at the next island so I needed to get into the left hand lane.. I was stressed that day, and screamed. 'FOR FUCK'S SAKES STOP GIVING ME DIRECTIONS! I KNOW THE FUCKING WAY!!!!!! AND STOP TELLING ME HOW TO DRIVE, I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST OVER A QUARTER OF A FUCKING CENTURY AGO!'

He went a bit red, and shut up for the rest of the 30 minute drive!

Like @Derrymum123 I also feel more anxious driving - and parking and manoeuvring, when HE is in the car with me.

And like @happytoday73 sometimes when I put a certain pair of shoes to go for a walk, he says 'why don't you put the other shoes on?' And when I say 'I'm off to clean the bathroom' he says 'naaah, leave it, just do it tomorrow!'

I am like 'I told you I am doing it, I did not ask you if I SHOULD do it. I did not ask for your fucking opinion.' It's like he HAS to say something contrary, because HE KNOWS BEST!

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 23/10/2021 13:09

I'm going spare because of this at the moment - it was fine before we retired as he travelled a lot and worked extremely hard, so there was no problem at the rare times we were together, but now it's just the two of us Home Alone, I'm finding him a nightmare to live with, with his constant "what are you doing now?" which quite often borders on bossiness. I hate it and am starting to hate him now.
Sorry, @FancyLampshade, that doesn't help you, your circumstances are utterly different.

thefirstmrsrochester · 23/10/2021 13:10

Today 12:53 mrsbyers

I’ve been driving for 32 years , my husband passed his two years ago. At every junction when he’s in the passenger seat he leans forward and tell me if the road is clear - if he wasn’t in the fucking way I would be able to see ! Same with people on pedestrian crossings etc - I wonder how I manage to drive unaccompanied !?

@mrsbyers My dh is exactly the same, he has improved ever so slightly after I put him out of the car when he leant over and cancelled the indicator saying that I’d put it on too early. He’s lucky we were close to home in a very small village, but had we not been I’d still have turfed him out. He is now only welcome as a passenger in my car if he keeps his mouth clamped shut.

Micawbs · 23/10/2021 13:11

If he is usually mild-mannered and accommodating could it be down to feeling stressed or responsible for sorting stuff out, when he isn’t?

SecondClassmyass · 23/10/2021 13:30

Yes,I had one of those. He would try to force me to eat or drink something when I was absolutely not hungry or thirsty. Or order way too much food in a restaurant. He was not a ‘feeder’ or any other food fetish thing, he just wanted to be in control.
Same with insisting he was going to run me a bath. I didn’t want a bath or was too hot for a bath and he kept suggesting it.
It was always ‘why don’t you’, ‘shall we book you a(insert: plane ticket, facial, a class etc)
Also he kept trying to press the screen of my phone at the same time as I was trying to do/find/type something as he wanted to be ‘helpful’. It was infuriating
He also always kept commenting that I am a very RESISTANT person...

DiamondBright · 23/10/2021 13:32

DP does this when I'm driving, despite me pointing out that I've had a driving license for 30+ years and unlike him I've never caused a serious accident. For example, at a junction he'll tell me to watch out for another car, it'll be a car I've seen and I'm aware of but not concerned about, so him suddenly shouting "mind that car" makes me think there's one I've not seen and that makes me panic. I'm going to start doing the same to him if he doesn't pack it in soon.

Alwayscheerful · 23/10/2021 13:43

@queenMab99

When I was driving, DP occasionally used to say, 'handbrake, turn off engine' at the end of a journey, as if he was my driving instructor and I was going to exit the car leaving the engine running, and let it roll down the road. I had been driving for 20 years before I met him! He did have bossy, domineering tendencies, but I just picked him up on it every time, until he saw the light.

I love your response.

Try being barked at with
"Lane discipline" whilst on a roundabout.
Reminds me of my driving instructor who 30 years ago, used to say " don't waste Road"

Original poster

FancyLampshade · 23/10/2021 13:43

@SecondClassmyass

Yes,I had one of those. He would try to force me to eat or drink something when I was absolutely not hungry or thirsty. Or order way too much food in a restaurant. He was not a ‘feeder’ or any other food fetish thing, he just wanted to be in control. Same with insisting he was going to run me a bath. I didn’t want a bath or was too hot for a bath and he kept suggesting it. It was always ‘why don’t you’, ‘shall we book you a(insert: plane ticket, facial, a class etc) Also he kept trying to press the screen of my phone at the same time as I was trying to do/find/type something as he wanted to be ‘helpful’. It was infuriating He also always kept commenting that I am a very RESISTANT person...

Aggghhh yes!!!! The "shall we get you....", like you're a child. I find it a bit ick. Maybe shades of Kathy Bates?

(joking, sort of

) He'll do it when it's a totally normal everyday thing and situation, and including when he's actually getting something for both of us.

E.g. it's the evening, we're going to eat some food. He's offered to cook us food or we're going to eat out.

"Shall we get you some food then".

I'll say "oh, are you not eating?"

OP posts:

Original poster

FancyLampshade · 23/10/2021 13:45

@SecondClassmyass

Yes,I had one of those. He would try to force me to eat or drink something when I was absolutely not hungry or thirsty. Or order way too much food in a restaurant. He was not a ‘feeder’ or any other food fetish thing, he just wanted to be in control. Same with insisting he was going to run me a bath. I didn’t want a bath or was too hot for a bath and he kept suggesting it. It was always ‘why don’t you’, ‘shall we book you a(insert: plane ticket, facial, a class etc) Also he kept trying to press the screen of my phone at the same time as I was trying to do/find/type something as he wanted to be ‘helpful’. It was infuriating He also always kept commenting that I am a very RESISTANT person...

And the 'shall we book you a...', including when I'm about to book or arrange something myself or have just told him this is what I'm going to do...

OP posts:

CeratopsofthePharoahs · 23/10/2021 13:46

My Dad does the constant "Are you all right?" thing. As a teen I snapped back something along the lines of "Have I got a serious illness you're concealing from me? I'm fine, I'll tell you if I'm not."
Actually it was also the level of concern in his voice that wound me up. My mum is the one who will come along and tell you you're doing everything wrong ie not the way she would. However I get my own back as she's panicky when it comes to technology.

Original poster

FancyLampshade · 23/10/2021 13:47

@SecondClassmyass

Yes,I had one of those. He would try to force me to eat or drink something when I was absolutely not hungry or thirsty. Or order way too much food in a restaurant. He was not a ‘feeder’ or any other food fetish thing, he just wanted to be in control. Same with insisting he was going to run me a bath. I didn’t want a bath or was too hot for a bath and he kept suggesting it. It was always ‘why don’t you’, ‘shall we book you a(insert: plane ticket, facial, a class etc) Also he kept trying to press the screen of my phone at the same time as I was trying to do/find/type something as he wanted to be ‘helpful’. It was infuriating He also always kept commenting that I am a very RESISTANT person...

@SecondClassmyass

what happened to him in the end? Did you get rid?!

OP posts:

Bonbon21 · 23/10/2021 13:55

Ref the driving advice... do an emergency stop ( if it is safe to do so!!) .. "either shut up or walk"...
Works....

OliviaKeeling · 23/10/2021 13:56

I also get the “is it alright” when I've taken something out of the fridge and am just looking to see where I open it/what the cooking instructions are milliseconds before he snatches it out of my hands to scrutinise it.

He “helpfully” gets cans out of the cupboard if we're planning to eat beans as part of a meal, so I'm looking in the cupboard being positive we had a can of beans in there last time I looked, and he's put it on the worktop that we don't use with the can opener next to it.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 23/10/2021 13:57

My dh can be a bit like this, it drives me nuts! I managed to get to my late 30s and travel all over the world etc on my own so being micromanaged is incredibly irritating. I've talked to him about how it makes me feel and also started pulling him up on it every single time and he has made a real effort to stop doing it, fortunately. With him it partly springs from having a very controlling mother, when I pointed out that he was doing the same to me and making me feel as crap as his upbringing made him it did get through to him I think. He also has OCD so finds it hard to accept that other people have different ways of doing things and that's actually OK.

The backseat driving is more resistant though, think Hyacinth Bouquet and you're getting there... The other day I did just stop the car, get out and tell him to drive instead. He actually prefers me to drive usually as he hates traffic etc but he needs to learn that if he wants me to chauffeur him, he doesn't get to complain about it!

PuppyMonkey · 23/10/2021 13:59

Try being barked at with
"Lane discipline" whilst on a roundabout.
Reminds me of my driving instructor who 30 years ago, used to say " don't waste Road"

Sorry but that made me - I might start shouting "Lane discipline!" at DP when we're out in the car next.

PuppyMonkey · 23/10/2021 14:00

More importantly, why isn't bold working for me there?

Bonbon21 · 23/10/2021 14:01

... one other thing... I would never NEVER allow him to move me out of the driving seat... oh no.... no way!!
No no no no... just NO!!!