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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH vasectomy cold feet

66 replies

DyingForACuppa · 22/10/2021 19:53

When I got pregnant with our last child DH said he felt this was the last one for him. I do lean towards having more but certainly not enough to break up our happy family, and I'm getting too old anyway, so I told him I accepted his decision, but he had to be the one who took over contraception (I can't have the pill, I had an implant before we started having children but didn't like it, and there's no way I'd get tubes tied as if he got hit by a bus tomorrow/left me I might still want another child - highly unlikely, but possible).

So he talked about getting a vasectomy, and went as far as talking to the doctor about it. Having read the details of the op though, he is now not keen.

He has asked me if I would get the implant again, and brought up that that's it's a lot easier to reverse than a vasectomy if he changes his mind.

I feel like he's dangling the carrot of 'I might change my mind' to get me to take contraception I don't really want to. If he's going to change his mind it would have to be pretty sharpish (I'm early 40s), and I just can't see it happening.

AIBU to still insist contraception is his problem?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/10/2021 19:58

YANBU you have subjected your body to years of hormones plus pregnancy and childbirth.

Contraception is now on him!

Rainallnight · 22/10/2021 19:59

I bet when you heard the details of childbirth, you weren’t keen either. Hmm

He needs to take one for the team now.

Rno3gfr · 22/10/2021 20:04

You’ve done your bit with contraception. It’s not up to you to suffer for contraception. Offer condoms or vasectomy as an option.

My reasoning for this is I’ve had previous experience with the implant. I’d never choose to spend years of my life the way I did on it. It messed up my skin, sex drive, emotions, etc.

SickAndTiredAgain · 22/10/2021 20:07

YANBU to be cross with him at all.

But if you really think he’s so manipulative as to dangle the carrot of another baby in order to avoid the vasectomy and force you into something you do want, then this is the least of your problems because that’s horrible.

SickAndTiredAgain · 22/10/2021 20:07

*something you DON’T want

hereforthechat · 22/10/2021 20:10

Say you can use condoms if he doesn't want to proceed

Theunamedcat · 22/10/2021 20:15

Nope his turn now

We agreed wrap it or snip it

Incidentally send him those tiktok with men reading the side effects of contraception and reacting to them some men are horrified

somewhereoverthechipshop · 22/10/2021 20:39

Just use condoms! They are much better than they used to be in terms of feeling. I can’t take hormones and dh is scared of the snip! So we have used them for years now. No big deal

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2021 20:41

He's trying to make you responsible for contraception again, so he can have an easy life. Fuck that and fuck him.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 22/10/2021 20:44

Condoms or the snip, you've more that taken your turn for the team, he needs to step up now.

DeepaBeesKit · 22/10/2021 20:48

Yep yep condoms or snip

PatchworkElmer · 22/10/2021 20:52

Condoms it is then!

meadowbleu · 22/10/2021 20:53

If he wants to reserve the right to change his mind, he takes responsibility for contraception.

We decided our family was complete when I was 28 and my DH took all the responsibility after that. I can't remember now, but think he was about 33 when he had the snip. That might sound drastic but we'd been together half our lives by then and are still together. Regardless of that, the ball was in his court as he thought I'd more than done my bit taking the contraception lead and he didn't want me to put my body through any more.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 22/10/2021 20:59

Condoms and if they fail -- you get to have the baby with no demand from him for an abortion.
Or you could offer him the gift of abstinence until he gets "the snip".

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/10/2021 20:59

Are you having sex and using contraception at the moment?

Condoms, condoms, condoms.

I didn’t want to go back on the pill after DD and we’ve used them ever since. DH is considering a vasectomy, his decision, I’m easy either way. But he was the one who said it was his turn to take over and he’s right. Getting DD involved 5 mcs, two surgeries, a complicated traumatic CS and a shit load of drugs. I. Have. Done. My. Bit.

Unanananana · 22/10/2021 21:15

@Aquamarine1029

He's trying to make you responsible for contraception again, so he can have an easy life. Fuck that and fuck him.
This. How dare he dangle the 'maybe I will want another' in front of you to make you accept hormonal contraception!

Its condoms or the snip though him trying to manipulate you should be enough to clamp your fanny shut.

The snip is easy and much less risky in just about every way. The op can be done with one injection and through an incision so small it doesn't need stitches. My DP said the worst bit was the injection. Took him a couple of days to recover.

Original poster
DyingForACuppa · 22/10/2021 21:49

To be clear I don't think he's cold bloodedly planned this to manipulate me, I think he's scared himself with the idea of the vasectomy and is grasping at any excuses as to why he can't, without considering the emotional impact to me of saying he could change his mind.

And to answer those who asked we are currently using condoms, though I'd say 'being too exhausted due to having small children to ever get round to it' is our main form of contraceptive.

OP posts:
ImUninsultable · 22/10/2021 22:01

I think I'd have to very clearly say, "I've put my body through decades of hormones, I've gone through X number of pregnancies and all the side effects and lasting effects that come with that, i've gone through childbirth/c-section (pretty major surgery) so we could have our family together. I've done enough. It's your turn."

Snowdropsonkittens · 22/10/2021 22:24

Apart from your bit about possibly wanting another child, I am in the same situation. When pregnant with child 2 OH said he would get the snip but has now changed his mind as he doesn’t like the idea of it…. I just do anything to avoid sex now! Child 2 was conceived whilst using condoms so not really a
Fan!

BigFatLiar · 22/10/2021 22:41

there's no way I'd get tubes tied as if he got hit by a bus tomorrow/left me I might still want another child - highly unlikely, but possible)

He may feel the same in the case of your leaving.
Sounds like its pop it in a bag time.

Exhausted5487 · 22/10/2021 22:47

I don't blame him having second thoughts about a vasectomy...it's always put across as an easy option but the potential side effects are horrible. However the potential side effects of the implant are also significant so if he doesn't want it then he can just wear a condom!

DifferentHair · 22/10/2021 22:53

YANBU

You've put your body through enough in terms of contraception, pregnancy, birth and the rest.

He's made the decision to have no more children and you have respected it.

You've done your bit.

He needs to step up. It is not for you to put yourself through more medical stuff to carry out his family planning wishes.

Viviennemary · 22/10/2021 22:57

If you didn't want another child then it would be a big problem. So up to him what he does but if you get pregnant then so be it. He needs to accept that.

Chloemol · 22/10/2021 23:25

He doesn’t want another child, he gets the snip, uses condoms or does without

His choice to decide, and he has to accept there maybe another child

NowEvenBetter · 22/10/2021 23:28

His choices are:
No penis in, or near vagina.
Condoms.
Vasectomy.

He can figure something out.

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