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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About DH vasectomy cold feet

66 replies

DyingForACuppa · 22/10/2021 19:53

When I got pregnant with our last child DH said he felt this was the last one for him. I do lean towards having more but certainly not enough to break up our happy family, and I'm getting too old anyway, so I told him I accepted his decision, but he had to be the one who took over contraception (I can't have the pill, I had an implant before we started having children but didn't like it, and there's no way I'd get tubes tied as if he got hit by a bus tomorrow/left me I might still want another child - highly unlikely, but possible).

So he talked about getting a vasectomy, and went as far as talking to the doctor about it. Having read the details of the op though, he is now not keen.

He has asked me if I would get the implant again, and brought up that that's it's a lot easier to reverse than a vasectomy if he changes his mind.

I feel like he's dangling the carrot of 'I might change my mind' to get me to take contraception I don't really want to. If he's going to change his mind it would have to be pretty sharpish (I'm early 40s), and I just can't see it happening.

AIBU to still insist contraception is his problem?

OP posts:

Original poster

DyingForACuppa · 23/10/2021 00:21

@BigFatLiar

there's no way I'd get tubes tied as if he got hit by a bus tomorrow/left me I might still want another child - highly unlikely, but possible)

He may feel the same in the case of your leaving.
Sounds like its pop it in a bag time.

What a weird response of course he doesn't feel the same, or he wouldn't have started arranging a vasectomy.

He's not mentally impaired, he understands a vasectomy means no more children with anyone, he's just not keen on the actual operation.

OP posts:

NorthSouthcatlady · 23/10/2021 00:23

He’s being pathetic. Condoms time it is then

Snugglybuggly · 23/10/2021 00:25

He's a wimp! Vasectomy is a doddle

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 23/10/2021 00:31

He's the one who does not want more children. So either he wears a condom - which I can only assume he does in the times between you having children, he has a vasectomy, or you go no sex at all!!
He can't just say HE'S finished having children and then do nothing about it!!

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 23/10/2021 01:59

He’s being pathetic.

He needs to human-up and just go and do it.

I am completely and utterly unapologetic in this stance, so will have zero truck when anyone coming whining at me with any mealy-mouthed ‘his body, his choice’ or ‘he reserves the right to blah, blah, blah…’

By opting of doing the ONE thing they can do in the reproductive / contraception space, men remove the ability of women to make choices about their own bodies.

Again - really pathetic.

Atmywitsend29 · 23/10/2021 02:07

He doesn't want a child, he sorts out contraception.

I will add I'm slightly envious, my DH had a consult with the gp to get the snip (who vehemently argued that I should have the implant, and that DH might meet someone else and want a baby with her ) eventually the gp agreed to do the referral and its not funded in our area, so we are now in the process of saving up!

Hankunamatata · 23/10/2021 02:23

Perhaps he is getting cold feet over the finality of it.

Derbee · 23/10/2021 02:38

It’s a tiny procedure with a very easy and quick recovery. There’s absolutely no excuse for not doing it if you’re finished having children.

AveryGoodlay · 23/10/2021 02:49

He doesn’t want another child, he gets the snip, uses condoms or does without Comments like this make out like sex is for the pleasure of men only. The OP probably (like many people) enjoys sex which is why she would like contraception to be sorted after years of contraception and childbirth has fallen to her.

I completely also understand her partner being nervous/hesitant about getting a vasectomy. Which is why he needs to ensure he wears a condom every time.

If choosing that method of contraception, he also needs to be prepared for the fact that they do fail! And you may not choose to get the MAP for health reasons.

kitkatsky · 23/10/2021 04:13

YANBU OP. Having a similar battle with DH right now. My only contraception option is a coil and so soon after birth I don't really want to be interfered with down there, plus the recent horror stories about how much it hurts (Naga Munchetty) or babies being born grasping it in their hands. I feel I've done enough contraception wise over the last 30 years

ThirdElephant · 23/10/2021 04:21

Make it very clear that you won't be aborting in the event of an accidental pregnancy and leave it there. Remind him that, with perfect use, condoms are only 98% effective.

Then consider your duty fulfilled.

starrynight21 · 23/10/2021 04:39

He didn't like the idea after he read about it? Good heavens, many men have a vasectomy in their lunch hour, I'm pretty sure it's easier than childbirth . He needs to man up and take charge of contraception, one way or the other.

ElftonWednesday · 23/10/2021 04:42

Get him some woolly socks for his cold feet.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 23/10/2021 08:49

So he talked about getting a vasectomy, and went as far as talking to the doctor about it. Having read the details of the op though, he is now not keen.

He has asked me if I would get the implant again

He is, presumably, aware that YOU were "not keen" on the implant when you had it before? Yet he has a) asked you to take responsibility for contraception AGAIN, despite the fact that you've already done so for years and that it's actually HIM who wants to prevent further pregnancies and b) suggested this should be done via a method of contraception that you been on before and don't like

How aware is he of the side effects of hormonal contraception for women generally? After seeing me on hormonal contraception for five years prior to TTC our first, it was my husband who suggested that that was enough for me and that he should take over from then (low mood and weight gain seemed to be the biggest ones for me). So in between children we've used condoms in combination with a spermicide and once we've finished having babies he'll get the snip. If he changes his mind when the time comes then it'll be condoms forever.

Why wasn't your husband's first reaction, "Gosh, I feel a bit nervous about the snip. How do you feel about us using condoms instead?" Because, y'know, that'd be even easier to reverse than an implant Why is his first suggestion that it must be a female contraceptive?

BFCfairy · 23/10/2021 09:08

@DyingForACuppa my dh got a key hole o e done in maidenhead- he preferred the sound of that to the other more invasive route. Maybe one near you.

thegcatsmother · 23/10/2021 10:19

After ds was born, I went back on the pill, but it made me feel awful. I came off it and we tried condoms for a bit, but dh wasn't keen. He chose to be snipped. It was that or abstinence, as I had been told not to have more children.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 23/10/2021 10:25

@Derbee

It’s a tiny procedure with a very easy and quick recovery. There’s absolutely no excuse for not doing it if you’re finished having children.

Agreed

saleorbouy · 23/10/2021 10:34

I personally don't understand male reluctance to get the snip. It is a minor 20min procedure than is less uncomfortable the most dental surgery I have experienced.
I find it amazing that couples always seem to leave the contraception after kids and completing families to the women. Why when you can have 100% confidence in a vasectomy would you want your OH to continue to fill her body with hormones with the side effects that many experience with still the chance of pregnancy?
If you don't want kids man up and get the snip.

saleorbouy · 23/10/2021 10:40

Incidentally there is a reversible vasectomy gel that is on trials and will hopefully be a good non permanent solution to the male contraception conundrum. Vasalgel should be ideal to help shift the burden of non permanent contraception from females to either member of a couple.
Should be a game changer?

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 23/10/2021 10:41

He is of course dangling the carrot. I actually think that is the main issue that needs addressing. That’s an awful thing for him to do.

Condoms or snip. He buys the condoms and ensures theres always a supply. They are his responsibility.

His choices are: No penis in, or near vagina.
I hope this wasnt suggesting anal as the alternative…

OwlinaTree · 23/10/2021 10:42

Do you actually want him to have the op? Or do you think he might change his mind at some point?

tttigress · 23/10/2021 10:43

I don't think you can force someone to undergo a medical procedure.

BurntO · 23/10/2021 10:44

Use condoms. Either of you can pick them
up on your food shop. Easy done.

GenderAtheist · 23/10/2021 10:56

@tttigress

I don't think you can force someone to undergo a medical procedure.

Don’t be silly. No one is suggesting that he’s forced. Just that he understand cause and effect thinking and accept the logical consequences of his decision.

It’s called being an adult.

As opposed to being a teenager who stamps their feet and says “ No one can make me do nothing I know my rights “.

RealBecca · 23/10/2021 11:01

Its nit really your problem, ypuve made it clear you dont want to be responsible for it so id make vague statements about understanding how he feels becauee hes hoping you will solve the problem. Just acknowledge his statements and continue with condoms. He may just be wanting to voice his worries before coming to a decision so its not really a problem for you to solve.

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