About DH vasectomy cold feet

[DyingForACuppa]

When I got pregnant with our last child DH said he felt this was the last one for him. I do lean towards having more but certainly not enough to break up our happy family, and I'm getting too old anyway, so I told him I accepted his decision, but he had to be the one who took over contraception (I can't have the pill, I had an implant before we started having children but didn't like it, and there's no way I'd get tubes tied as if he got hit by a bus tomorrow/left me I might still want another child - highly unlikely, but possible).

So he talked about getting a vasectomy, and went as far as talking to the doctor about it. Having read the details of the op though, he is now not keen.

He has asked me if I would get the implant again, and brought up that that's it's a lot easier to reverse than a vasectomy if he changes his mind.

I feel like he's dangling the carrot of 'I might change my mind' to get me to take contraception I don't really want to. If he's going to change his mind it would have to be pretty sharpish (I'm early 40s), and I just can't see it happening.

AIBU to still insist contraception is his problem?

YANBU This happened w my husband and it's been condoms ever since and the clear understanding that, if there was an accident, there would be no termination.. He's never complained about that tbf

@OwlinaTree

Do you actually want him to have the op? Or do you think he might change his mind at some point?

To be honest I view him having the op or not as a bit of an irrelevance to me. I don't think he'll change his mind about wanting a child, he's been adamant on that point, so whether we continue with condoms or he gets the vasectomy makes no odds to me.

It makes a difference to him as he's worried about accidents, and until this point in our relationship we've always been in agreement about what we would do (for example, me getting morning after pill if a condom broke etc).

If you're not worried about having another baby, then just leave the contraception to him. He can have PIV sex with or without a condom, but the consequences are on both of you.

If you don't want a baby, then you can decide how you want to handle it - but i think condoms are probably the way to go here. His body his choice, but also your body your choice.

@tttigress

I don't think you can force someone to undergo a medical procedure.

🙄

Right. People are suggesting frog-marching him in there and hand-cuffing him to the table.

Not.

He needs to human-up and get over himself. Just - exactly - like women are expected to do, all the rest of the time.

He's getting cold feet after reading up about a vasectomy?

Has he ever read up about the implant - getting it in, side effects and removal?

Was he present when you gave birth? Does he remember that as some rose-tinted crystal inspired whale music emergence of a human form (rather than the frankly animalistic agonising gut-wrenching experience of a monster exiting your body that it was from your perspective, with weeks of 'discomfort' afterwards)?

Bollocks to that. You've done your bit. Time for him to have some responsibility.

Hummm. I would say I'm sort of in your position with this. DH adamant doesn't want any more. I'm probably 80/85% in agreement, more so as the children we have get older.

I also didn't want to take hormonal contraception, but didn't want to take having more children totally off the table. I have a copper coil which is hormone free, and that's worked out well. No hassle, but reversible. Lasts for 10 years, by then we will definitely be too old for more children.

Could that be an option? Ultimately a pregnancy resulting from a condom malfunction is going to life changing for the whole family especially if not everyone is on board.

These fucking men who get scared of a minor procedure which would solve all a couples contraception problems really piss me off. They’re not too scared to watch their wives go through labour and birth multiple times, not too scared to be watch their wives full their bodies with chemicals, coils etc.

But imagine poor diddums having 24 hours of slight discomfort. Tell him to fucking grow up

@Derbee

👏👏👏👏👏

Exactly my thoughts only so well put.

To be honest I view him having the op or not as a bit of an irrelevance to me. I don't think he'll change his mind about wanting a child, he's been adamant on that point, so whether we continue with condoms or he gets the vasectomy makes no odds to me.

It makes a difference to him as he's worried about accidents, and until this point in our relationship we've always been in agreement about what we would do (for example, me getting morning after pill if a condom broke etc).

I would just look at him and say you don't have an issue with the accidents, and if he's now not in agreement with you on what you'd do (probably, having another baby) then he has an option perfectly available to him. But no, you aren't going to continue to take contraception. It's his turn.

Pretty unimpressive behaviour.

Tell him you're happy to carry on with condoms.

I think that some of this might be because the procedure used to be more invasive than it is currently. It was pretty minor 20 years ago when my DH had his. If he's looking at outdated information he should talk to a urologist about it or find some more current information.

Perhaps he thinks you're going to dump him and take the child with you. Having a vasectomy would mean no or little chance of a child in a future relationship.

Leave contraception up to him and let him know that if there is a failure he just has to cope.

@Derbee

These fucking men who get scared of a minor procedure which would solve all a couples contraception problems really piss me off. They’re not too scared to watch their wives go through labour and birth multiple times, not too scared to be watch their wives full their bodies with chemicals, coils etc.

But imagine poor diddums having 24 hours of slight discomfort. Tell him to fucking grow up

I always assume what theyre really scared off is the lack of options once it is done. What if they find a younger wife down the line.

I would tell him you are happy to keep using condoms but as seen as you want more children if the condom splits you will not be taking the morning after pill so the chance of a happy accident increases.

I mean more men than ever are getting the snip.

He either wants the possibility of having more children but without you or he is genuinely scared.

Is lay the cards down. You are fine to use condoms but you would 100% not terminate should a pregnancy happen as you are happy to have more children.

My dh had it done, over and done within 20minutes, went shopping straight after, he drove home. Next day back at work.

No no no! This makes me so angry. It doesn’t matter that the implant is easier for him. The point is that a) he does not want more children b) that you have spent years doing the heavy lifting Ito contraception, pregnancy, childbirth.

I appreciate he is nervous about the op - this is why dh didn’t do it in the end - but you are under no obligation to make changes to YOUR body, with side effects, because of it. It’s condoms or nothing. AND he needs to be responsible for buying them.