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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to cope and need support - work and childcare

72 replies

LittleMissApple · 21/10/2021 12:25

DH and I both work FT. Two DC - one at nursery and one with SEN at primary. It feels like we are constantly getting calls to collect them because they are unwell - 6 times in the last 3 weeks. Everytime I have been the one to stop work (if WFH) or leave work (if in office to get them).

Twice this week I have left work, an hour from nursery/school to collect early, despite both times DH being wfh (10 mins from school). He says he didn’t see my messages/realised I had called. The first time he was in a meeting, but not the second.

I am struggling to cope with it all. I’m dropping the ball at work and have been told that some things I have done recently haven’t been very good. I feel like a terrible mum because i’m so stressed.

I’m far away the higher earner so giving up work doesn’t seem viable. PT work basically doesn’t exist in my line of work so I feel trapped.

DH won’t discuss it. Just says, I didn’t see the message/I’m busy and says he won’t be bullied by me when i ask for mire support. He says I need to stop taking my stress out on him.

I worry sometimes that maybe he’s right. I just feel so burnt out and down from doing everything badly. Aibu to need more support?

OP posts:
Hungry675tf · 21/10/2021 12:29

He is a massive shit bag who needs to get a grip and pull his weight. This stuff should always be split fairly, however personally I would expect the lower earning parent wfh to do more, if not all of it

Overthebow · 21/10/2021 12:35

He needs to step up. If your the higher earner then you can’t lose your job and he needs to do more

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/10/2021 12:37

He is NOT right, and I would be questioning what he is up to that he doesn't receive messages. He is supposed to be working, not napping.

AtomicBlondeRose · 21/10/2021 12:37

Why is he using the word bullied? That’s massively emotive language for a man to use about a reasonable request from his wife. Is he usually so dramatic about normal asks? Are there other things you feel you can’t ask him to do?

FFSFFSFFS · 21/10/2021 12:38

He’s a selfish dick. But as a short term make sure that nursery have his number and know to keep calling him

HoppingPavlova · 21/10/2021 12:39

Can he look to go part-time and take on a larger share of the caring duties?

Thehop · 21/10/2021 12:42

Your dh is a nobber.

Original poster
LittleMissApple · 21/10/2021 12:43

@AtomicBlondeRose

Why is he using the word bullied? That’s massively emotive language for a man to use about a reasonable request from his wife. Is he usually so dramatic about normal asks? Are there other things you feel you can’t ask him to do?
It feels to me that its very much his way or the highway. He often says he won’t be bullied or brow beaten by me when I ask if he can do things. Tbh I’ve been trying to do as much as I can to avoid asking for help and I’ve just ended up working myself into the ground.
OP posts:
sjxoxo · 21/10/2021 12:43

Get the school to ring your DH instead. Horrible but absolutely necessary in your case. I would tell the school unless it’s a serious incident ie ambulance or husband doesn’t answer after 3 attempts; to not contact you as you are unable to come. Harsh but he’s being a total dick!!!!

mountbattenbergcake · 21/10/2021 12:44

The first poster has it right, he is a massive shitbag. What is he even adding? Dump him.

Tyjaro75 · 21/10/2021 12:44

I am the higher earner and so my husband is mainly the one who will leave work to get the kids if they are ill. We discussed it and he is happy with this set up and was clear with his work from the start. He works part time but if I lose my job then we are in the shit! If I'm working from home, then I will go and get them though.
Your husband is being a selfish prick... sorry. You can tell him to go and get the higher earning job instead and then you'll get a part time job and happily pick up the kids when needed.

sjxoxo · 21/10/2021 12:45

If I were you and the school rang me to say they’ve rung DH x3 times and he’s not responded; I’d ring your DHs employer, pretend to be the school and say kid needs collecting. Then if he calls you 15mn later do not answer the phone!! He’s just shirking responsibility here honestly I’m mad for you xxx

RedMarauder · 21/10/2021 12:47

@FFSFFSFFS

He’s a selfish dick. But as a short term make sure that nursery have his number and know to keep calling him
This.

Tell the nursery they need to contact your child's father not you every single time. Then don't answer if they call. Make sure you give them both is mobile phone and any work telephone number you have for him even if it is just the reception number.

achainisonlyasstrong · 21/10/2021 12:49

He is taking advantage of you. Do you have other support? Family or friends nearby? The fact that you are questioning yourself as being the selfish/unreasonable one here is concerning. When the children come back from school, is he supportive at all?

ducksalive · 21/10/2021 12:50

Your DH is being ridiculous, both of you need to have clear arrangements between you about who is on emergency contact for the day if he is going to behave like this.

The nursery/school needs to have his number to contact not just yours.

Our primary school used to imagine that we were always just around the corner and was always taken aback if I said I was a couple of hours away.

Your DH is insisting that you carry the all the parenting load and work full time this isn't remotely okay.

Original poster
LittleMissApple · 21/10/2021 12:51

@achainisonlyasstrong

He is taking advantage of you. Do you have other support? Family or friends nearby? The fact that you are questioning yourself as being the selfish/unreasonable one here is concerning. When the children come back from school, is he supportive at all?
Sometimes helpful if he doesn’t have anything on, but if he does then he will just do his work, while expecting me to rearrange/mess up mine.
OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissApple · 21/10/2021 12:54

@achainisonlyasstrong

He is taking advantage of you. Do you have other support? Family or friends nearby? The fact that you are questioning yourself as being the selfish/unreasonable one here is concerning. When the children come back from school, is he supportive at all?
No one near by who can help. Have some family coming to stay in a couple of weeks when I have a massively important week at work because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to manage and risk losing my job
OP posts:
JammyC · 21/10/2021 12:55

Our nursery phoned me this week to ask us to collect our DD. I was 1.5hrs away at a work meeting. I asked them to phone DH who was 15 mins away. They have his work number and personal number. He collected. We then spoke about who should take time off work over the next 2 days whilst she’s off and split it 50-50. He took a day and I took a day. He works in an office 5 days a week and im a hybrid worker so home more often but we still split it. I earn almost double his salary but we split it.

You need to speak to your husband about this. Also ask the childcare to phone him. If you were in a job where you didn’t have access to your phone he’d have to answer the calls

ducksalive · 21/10/2021 12:56

Does he not see parenting as his responsibility at all?
Or is his angry and resentful because you have a better paid job?

It might be worth pointing out the if you divorced he would be doing 50% of the childcare so he to start picking up dc in emergencies.

Original poster
LittleMissApple · 21/10/2021 12:56

I’ve tried to discuss a plan in advance but don’t get anywhere as he’ll say it depends.

I have until quite recently just been WFH so have done most of it because I’m closest and don’t want an ill DC just left at school/nursery waiting.

I will make sure school will call him, that’s good advice, thank you. I’m just not sure he’ll answer to be honest…

OP posts:
BrumBirth · 21/10/2021 12:58

School/nursery need to call him instead of you.

Why don’t you take 1 each, seems fair or atleast more fair than what you’re currently doing.

Original poster
LittleMissApple · 21/10/2021 12:59

Despite the gap in salaries I’m not asking him to do more than me. I just want it to be a bit more equal and a bit more flexible so that I can do my most important commitments.

OP posts:
Megan2018 · 21/10/2021 12:59

It needs to be shared.
On threads where the father is the main earner everyone insists that the mother shouldn’t do it all. It’s the same here.

I’m the main earner by double my DH. We split it always. Sometimes by splitting the day, sometimes by taking it in turns. I took 8 days recently to cover DDs Covid as DH was on a course so it impacted me less. But next time it is his turn for sure.
We’ve each taken a lot of time this pat year, it’s brutal with nursery germs right now. I feel equally shit about my job lately as does DH.

Clymene · 21/10/2021 13:00

If you're having to get family to step in to support you because you have an important week at work, your marriage is over.

Your husband is not a good father or husband and is sabotaging your career.

Get rid of him and get a nanny.

Abouttimemum · 21/10/2021 13:04

We have this situation right now with DS aged 2 constantly poorly. My job is flexible and understanding though so it’s far easier for me, whereas DH has a shit boss and he has to be present so he has far less opportunity to help.
However this week I’ve done mornings and he’s finished at 2 and took over with the afternoon, bath, bed and cooked tea etc while I then work my hours / get priorities done. He’s getting a lot of shit from his manager but ultimately his view is that family is more important and he’s only knocking off a couple of hours early for a couple of days.

He’s not being a team player. It’s not all your responsibility. You need to have a serious chat with him about it, or tell him he can quit his job so you can focus on yours as the main breadwinner. The days of it all falling on the woman all of the time should be over and it’s dreadful that we still find ourselves in this position.