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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to cope and need support - work and childcare

72 replies

LittleMissApple · 21/10/2021 12:25

DH and I both work FT. Two DC - one at nursery and one with SEN at primary. It feels like we are constantly getting calls to collect them because they are unwell - 6 times in the last 3 weeks. Everytime I have been the one to stop work (if WFH) or leave work (if in office to get them).

Twice this week I have left work, an hour from nursery/school to collect early, despite both times DH being wfh (10 mins from school). He says he didn’t see my messages/realised I had called. The first time he was in a meeting, but not the second.

I am struggling to cope with it all. I’m dropping the ball at work and have been told that some things I have done recently haven’t been very good. I feel like a terrible mum because i’m so stressed.

I’m far away the higher earner so giving up work doesn’t seem viable. PT work basically doesn’t exist in my line of work so I feel trapped.

DH won’t discuss it. Just says, I didn’t see the message/I’m busy and says he won’t be bullied by me when i ask for mire support. He says I need to stop taking my stress out on him.

I worry sometimes that maybe he’s right. I just feel so burnt out and down from doing everything badly. Aibu to need more support?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 21/10/2021 14:43

If my dh wouldn’t take half the load of this kind of thing in parenting I wouldn’t go part time, I’d discuss separating. I’d make it very clear in the very first conversation that every call from childcare and all leave for sick children on his contact time is for him to deal with. Don’t compromise your financial stability because he’s an asshole.

timeisnotaline · 21/10/2021 14:46

Try
a: you split up
B: you’re exhausted and think he’s a massive asshole and tell all your friends that he refuses to help and is a horrendous aggro bully if you ask (since he likes that word) and you have zero time to spend with him ever because your work and children are taking all your energy.
C: he steps up.

I don’t see any other options.

Original poster
LittleMissApple · 21/10/2021 14:55

@timeisnotaline

Try a: you split up B: you’re exhausted and think he’s a massive asshole and tell all your friends that he refuses to help and is a horrendous aggro bully if you ask (since he likes that word) and you have zero time to spend with him ever because your work and children are taking all your energy. C: he steps up.

I don’t see any other options.

You’re right…
OP posts:
ducksalive · 21/10/2021 14:59

Do you want to be in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to support you or care for his own children?

He sounds worse with every update.

If you do want to stay with him I wouldn't consider giving up your career, your DH sounds far too selfish to rely on long term.

You need to buy in a support network so you feel able to carry on. What tasks take up time that you could outsource?

PurpleOkapi · 21/10/2021 15:02

I’m far away the higher earner so giving up work doesn’t seem viable. PT work basically doesn’t exist in my line of work so I feel trapped.

Then he should be the one doing most of this, but you can't force him. So I guess your choices are 1) do it yourself, or 2) inform him that they need to be picked up, and then leave them there until he does it. While the "get rid of him" advice is tempting, it doesn't really solve the problem. They'll still need to be in nursery, and that won't make him more likely to pick them up when needed or watch them himself.

Wombat49 · 21/10/2021 15:06

Reverse it around. What would you do if you were him & were asking for help?

Are you being unreasonable? No.

Would you work him into the ground?

Get some extra childcare arranged. Then if he continues to be as asshole, use it & it'll be good practice for having support in place.

As I'd be prepared for him to throw a massive strop & piss off.

He doesn't actually want to help you, by the sounds of it.

There is no point continuing as is because you'll lose your job or damage your reputation.

Wombat49 · 21/10/2021 15:07

Take the emotions out of it, it's essentially a work problem.

If he can't help, you find something that does work.

Comtesse · 21/10/2021 17:56

Do NOT go part time. That is a stupid solution. Talking about cutting off your nose to spite your face. Get registered with emergency child care providers - cheaper than going part time. Be ruthless - do NOT let this misogynist drag you down with his “only women can do childcare” bullshit.

lanthanum · 21/10/2021 18:25

If he's working from home and close by, and you're not, then the sensible division of responsibilities would be for him to do the picking up when the school/nursery call, and then perhaps you take the following day off to do the childcare so he's able to concentrate on work. That way the kids get picked up faster. If it's towards the end of the day, unless they're puking, probably all he needs to do once he's collected them is to tuck them up with a DVD to watch, so it's only half an hour. If he's in a meeting he can probably finish the meeting and still get to the school quicker than you can.

Original poster
LittleMissApple · 21/10/2021 18:48

@lanthanum

If he's working from home and close by, and you're not, then the sensible division of responsibilities would be for him to do the picking up when the school/nursery call, and then perhaps you take the following day off to do the childcare so he's able to concentrate on work. That way the kids get picked up faster. If it's towards the end of the day, unless they're puking, probably all he needs to do once he's collected them is to tuck them up with a DVD to watch, so it's only half an hour. If he's in a meeting he can probably finish the meeting and still get to the school quicker than you can.
Absolutely. I’m not asking that he does more than more. Just that things are equal (appreciating that means some weeks one of us might do more depending what is going on, where we are etc but that other weeks it would be the other way round). And obviously I want the DC picked up as soon as we can manage.
OP posts:
MadeItOut21 · 21/10/2021 18:53

Your options are to continue doing everything or split up. You've unfortunately had the bad luck of marrying an absolute arsehole and a sorry excuse for a father. You can't change someone.

Clymene · 21/10/2021 18:54

@Wombat49

Take the emotions out of it, it's essentially a work problem.

If he can't help, you find something that does work.

Not can't, won't. It's an important distinction.

OP - if you are the breadwinner, going part time is madness. As is sabotaging your career.

You're going to need it.

Talk to HR and your line manager, tell them what's going on. If you're a good and valuable member of staff, they'll cut you some slack

LannieDuck · 21/10/2021 19:13

Suggest he goes PT.

He clearly can't manage to juggle a FT job with his share of the chores and childcare. So suggest he goes PT to 'help him cope'. He'll hate that.

Nanny0gg · 21/10/2021 19:18

Honestly?

LTB. You're life won't be any harder

Viviennemary · 21/10/2021 19:24

Its quitd hard for parents to work full-time with no childcare support. I agree your DH is sabotaging your career. But it does make sense that the parent nearest and wfh should do the collecting.

IAAP · 21/10/2021 19:26

He needs to step up. Ask the school not to ring you but to ring him first and give their landline as well so he can go.

He gets to do the next 6 pick ups because of being ill.

I was further away and didn’t get paid for childcare issues and my ex did and he still refuses to get him. He’s now an ex.

Sunshinegirl82 · 21/10/2021 19:38

I would struggle to be in a relationship with someone like this, it's pretty clear that you are not a team. What would happen if you broke your leg or needed an operation and you were out of action? My guess is he'd be angry with you, not concerned. How is he if you're unwell?

As a temporary solution I'd look into getting a nanny. It's the only childcare option that will give you the flexibility you need and chances are it won't cost any more than your current childcare plus the cost of you dropping to part time hours which you said you could cope with.

I think you do need to give some serious thought to whether you want to continue in your marriage though.

chipshopElvis · 21/10/2021 19:47

Wtf op. I don't usually comment on these posts but he needs to get his head out of his arse and step up. You're the higher earner he needs to monitor his phone for childcare emergencies and deal with them. How can he possibly think this is OK?!

timeisnotaline · 21/10/2021 21:53

Re my response, dh and I are both full time. I have been working mostly at home this past year, dh works an hour away. We share coming home for children - he doesn’t assume that because I’m home he doesn’t have to do anything (like many men seem to). It’s very busy of course but manageable if you and your partner are a team.

timeisnotaline · 21/10/2021 21:54

You could get his mum to call him one of these times. It would prove to you that he is monitoring his phone and deliberately ignoring you, which is I suspect what’s happening.

Totallyanonymousplease · 21/10/2021 23:22

OhGod OP, I really feel for you.

Could you say something to him like ‘I am asking for your help here. The way our life is set up right now just isn’t working for me. Please can we come up with some strategies together, as a team to make it work?’

LaurieFairyCake · 21/10/2021 23:27

Dump
Him

Get a nanny/au pair

Progress in your career and be fabulous Thanks

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