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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to cope and need support - work and childcare

72 replies

LittleMissApple · 21/10/2021 12:25

DH and I both work FT. Two DC - one at nursery and one with SEN at primary. It feels like we are constantly getting calls to collect them because they are unwell - 6 times in the last 3 weeks. Everytime I have been the one to stop work (if WFH) or leave work (if in office to get them).

Twice this week I have left work, an hour from nursery/school to collect early, despite both times DH being wfh (10 mins from school). He says he didn’t see my messages/realised I had called. The first time he was in a meeting, but not the second.

I am struggling to cope with it all. I’m dropping the ball at work and have been told that some things I have done recently haven’t been very good. I feel like a terrible mum because i’m so stressed.

I’m far away the higher earner so giving up work doesn’t seem viable. PT work basically doesn’t exist in my line of work so I feel trapped.

DH won’t discuss it. Just says, I didn’t see the message/I’m busy and says he won’t be bullied by me when i ask for mire support. He says I need to stop taking my stress out on him.

I worry sometimes that maybe he’s right. I just feel so burnt out and down from doing everything badly. Aibu to need more support?

OP posts:
yourestandingonmyneck · 21/10/2021 13:06

Your husband is an arsehole.

Show him this thread.

Bullied, ffs. It's not being bullied to be expected to step up and parent your kids!

Do you have a landline? Plug in a handset and use it to call him in these situations when he's wfh but can't be contacted on his mobile.

MissChanandlerBong81 · 21/10/2021 13:07

He is absolutely NOT right, he’s a complete shit, and YANBU at all.

My DH has never done anything that bad but when I didn’t feeling I was getting enough support from him I told him that I just couldn’t earn 70% of our household income while doing 90%-100% of our childcare and housework, so the balance needed to change. I said the choices were either a) I carry on doing the lion’s share of the childcare and housework but quit work or dramatically cut my hours, so he’d have sole responsibility for wage-earning, or b) we split housework and childcare 50/50.

I wouldn’t actually have given up work but the prospect of being the sole or main wage earner scared the hell out of him.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/10/2021 13:11

If this was my husband he'd be receiving divorce papers in the post. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Wingedharpy · 21/10/2021 13:11

He may be more inclined to answer his phone, if it's not you that is calling.
And that will tell you everything you need to know.

ducksalive · 21/10/2021 13:13

It needs to be shared, while being aware that without OP's income the family can't function.
I was the lower earner and DH and I agreed I would take the lead role in childcare. But that didn't mean that sometimes I had days where I wasn't available for pickups.
But we talked through our schedules because DH wasn't an active arse.

neednotknow · 21/10/2021 13:16

i feel sorry tor you...this is an absolute joke. He's legally responsible for those god damn kids as well.

You should leave. You cannot carry on working and rushing around like this - you'll get sick. The fact that he doesn't give a shit about that should tell you its never going to be fair and he's taking the piss.

You're having a friend stay because your husband won't do equal care for your children?? What the hell!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/10/2021 13:18

I'm sorry OP but the poster who said this was right:

"If you're having to get family to step in to support you because you have an important week at work, your marriage is over.

Your husband is not a good father or husband and is sabotaging your career.

Get rid of him and get a nanny."

The issue is that he doesnt think he should do his share, he is happy to see you struggle to the point it impacts on your health and career, he wont even discuss this with you and gaslights you by accusing you of bullying, when you ask him to do something he should already be doing.

He is incredibly selfish and a shit dad, who leaves their ill child at school an extra hour while their mum travels from the office even though he could go and pick them up much quicker.

These are not issues that can be fixed by just giving school his contact details. What's to stop him answering once he realises who is calling him? Or saying he is too busy?

These issues can only be sorted by him admitting he needs to do his share and / or marriage counselling

arethereanyleftatall · 21/10/2021 13:27

Unfortunately, op, you seem to be in complete denial about what a horrible, selfish person your husband is. The children are 50/50 yours and his responsibility. How can he possibly, possibly argue that they're not? How can you possibly wonder if you're being unreasonable when you've done 100% of the pickups? You aren't bullying him, he's using that word to gaslight you, to get out of doing his fair share. You shouldn't even have to ask him to do his fair share, that means you're taking on the mental load too. A decent father would automatically have his phone out, and do his share. Honestly, I'd divorce.

Peace43 · 21/10/2021 13:27

You have a H problem. As he is wfh and the lower earner he should be at least doing 50%. At the barest minimum you should be able to have a sensible discussion with him about this and it seems you can't.

Triffid1 · 21/10/2021 13:27

Your DH is a dickhead. It's as simple as that. And he's using the classic, "you are a bully" or "you are a control freak" when you simply ask him to step up. Unfortunately, if he was just everyday sexism/cluelessness you'd have a chance of convincing him that he needs to step up. But the arguments he's using make it pretty clear he has no intention of doing anything of the sort.

I guess he also does less of the cooking/cleaning/organising/other childcare arrangements?

Devon1987 · 21/10/2021 13:31

Drop the dead weight and get a nanny problem solved. He sound like a lazy selfish twat

sillysmiles · 21/10/2021 13:44

Tbh I’ve been trying to do as much as I can to avoid asking for help and I’ve just ended up working myself into the ground.

Is this not a sign of abuse?
You are afraid to request reasonable equal parenting because of his attitude and he'll be difficult to live with.

I'm not normally one to go straight to abuse but to me, in this situation....it seems like it.

If he wont listen to you about this, does he listen to you about anything?

Dishwashersaurous · 21/10/2021 13:46

Another one to say that you need to change primary contact for school and nursery and repeat to both that he must be contacted doe emergencies. Not you.

KatherineJaneway · 21/10/2021 13:49

@Hungry675tf

He is a massive shit bag who needs to get a grip and pull his weight. This stuff should always be split fairly, however personally I would expect the lower earning parent wfh to do more, if not all of it
Couldn't have put it better myself
Interrobanger · 21/10/2021 13:50

Tell him his options are:

A. You split up and he does 50:50.

B. You go part time and he increase his hours/finds a better paying job to make up the shortfall.

C. He stops being a massive prick and starts doing his share so that A or B doesn't have to happen.

No need to draw attention to the fact that 'D' - you doing absolutely everything and him doing fuck all, isn't even an option.

Alwaysonthegoslow · 21/10/2021 13:52

He needs to step up, there his dcs too! Especially as your the higher earner.

Josette77 · 21/10/2021 13:54

Divorce. Seriously. HE offers you nothing but misery. You can support yourself and your kids and he is an abusive prick.

Original poster
LittleMissApple · 21/10/2021 14:18

Thank you for all the replies. I'm just so worn down I can't see the wood for the trees I think. It doesn't feel right at all, but then I just find myself doubting myself and wondering if I am being selfish..

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 21/10/2021 14:23

You're not.

But the way you're feeling is normal - men seem to do this often - grind their spouses down till they've lost every shred of self confidence to be able to leave.

Take a breath, re read and re read all these responses till it sinks in. Get your ducks in a row.

Do it BEFORE you're so confused by your own thoughts.

Comtesse · 21/10/2021 14:28

Put your husband as first point of contact. They should bug him not you. When nursery called me, I told them very sorry they should ring my husband instead.

Don’t back down. This is very important. He is being an arse.

TwinsandTrifle · 21/10/2021 14:31

@Interrobanger

Tell him his options are:

A. You split up and he does 50:50.

B. You go part time and he increase his hours/finds a better paying job to make up the shortfall.

C. He stops being a massive prick and starts doing his share so that A or B doesn't have to happen.

No need to draw attention to the fact that 'D' - you doing absolutely everything and him doing fuck all, isn't even an option.

Word for word, this.
Original poster
LittleMissApple · 21/10/2021 14:34

@Interrobanger

Tell him his options are:

A. You split up and he does 50:50.

B. You go part time and he increase his hours/finds a better paying job to make up the shortfall.

C. He stops being a massive prick and starts doing his share so that A or B doesn't have to happen.

No need to draw attention to the fact that 'D' - you doing absolutely everything and him doing fuck all, isn't even an option.

I think in response to this he might say, ok you go part time then. Going PT is very hard in my industry, but if possible we could manage with my PT salary. I guess I’d be giving up my career dreams to facilitate his. Might be better for my mental health short term (I’m cracking up…) but I think I’ll end up resentful.
OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissApple · 21/10/2021 14:36

And its not that I think he should go PT, but if he did 50/50 now then we’d both manage

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 21/10/2021 14:36

This is ridiculous, I mean him saying he didn't see the message / call and you running around trying to keep all the balls in the air. I'd really have to reconsider the entire marriage because if you aren't already resentment will kill any semblance of a relationship. Carrying the entire mental load when you're married is not a place any woman should be in.

KeeG8181 · 21/10/2021 14:37

He's not right at all he sounds a selfish sod!

No advice but I'm in the same boat with toddler DS and constant illness from nursery. Everyone is saying it gets easier. Please PM me if you need to chat, it's fucking exhausting xx