Starting to not make an effort. Who's unreasonable?

chocolatebiccy · 2021-10-20T18:25:06+00:00

Been with partner 10 months. We both have DC and live apart. I go over to hers the majority of the time mainly because she has her DD more than I have my DS. However every other week I have my DS but she does not have her DD so she comes to mine. I think this is the only time really that she comes to mine and i'm always running around doing the driving to hers. 2 weeks ago she said she couldn't come to mind because she didn't feel well and was achy. So i said don't worry about coming round and rest. Tonight she rang and said she would be over soon, when she got home she text and said she wanted to see me but her brain was sleepy. So basically she couldn't be bothered to come round. We live 30 mins apart. I always try and see her and she is 2nd priority obvs my DS is first. I just feel like when its her turn to come to mine she just cannot be bothered, When we first started dating there were no issues. I'm beginning to see more and more than actually she is a selfish character. I love her very much but she thinks of herself and her work so much. Putting me, and her DD behind that. It's starting to get to me that her work is first and we come after that. So IABU to be upset that she cannot make the effort to come over tonight again.......?

NotSoNewAndShiny · 20/10/2021 19:38

I don't think your necessarily BU because you feel you give more than she does but, perhaps, she sees the time she doesn't have her ds as a time to rest and relax. Coming over to yours each time she gets the chance to be alone can eat into her only downtime.

Maybe you can both work out a schedule with that in mind.

NotSoNewAndShiny · 20/10/2021 19:39

Sorry, I meant her DD, it her DS.

NotSoNewAndShiny · 20/10/2021 19:42

you're *

not* her DS.

Typos

Original poster

chocolatebiccy · 20/10/2021 19:48

@NotSoNewAndShiny

I don't think your necessarily BU because you feel you give more than she does but, perhaps, she sees the time she doesn't have her ds as a time to rest and relax. Coming over to yours each time she gets the chance to be alone can eat into her only downtime.

Maybe you can both work out a schedule with that in mind.

And i guess thats the problem, I cater to her needs more than she does to mine. And i am feeling like its unequal.

Maybe she does think it eats into her downtime but its once every 2 weeks. I am going over to hers a lot more than that. I know people say as long as you are both putting in effort then you will both feel ok but atm i don't feel like she's putting in as much as me and taking more from the relationship.

OP posts:

TheChip · 20/10/2021 19:52

Then I guess it doesn't matter who is being unreasonable, because whether it's you or her, your feelings remain the same.

Maybe speak to her about how you are feeling and if things don't improve for you then make a decision on what to do next after that.

Whatonearth07957 · 20/10/2021 19:58

Pull back if you're unhappy, see if she steps up. Communicate. Plan something lovely, her favourite food. Say you'll give her a half hour back rub! That's get me!

Original poster

chocolatebiccy · 20/10/2021 20:00

@TheChip

Then I guess it doesn't matter who is being unreasonable, because whether it's you or her, your feelings remain the same.

Maybe speak to her about how you are feeling and if things don't improve for you then make a decision on what to do next after that.

I spoke to her last night about it and said how i feel her work is taking over her life. She wasn't sleeping well and was irritable and snappy because she was under alot of pressure. I said there needs to be some work life balance. She just says i know but nothing changes.

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NotSoNewAndShiny · 20/10/2021 20:02

You're not wrong to feel the way you do - I voted YANBU btw. A good relationship shouldn't feel unequal or unfair.

Have you talked to her about this? It's best to do so and find out what her reason is. Perhaps she doesn't realise how unfair she's being or she knows but can't help it. Perhaps, in getting to know her reasons, you'll understand things better and feel less resentful about it all.

The main thing is for you both to find a solution that works and it starts with letting her know that you feel this way.

Original poster

chocolatebiccy · 20/10/2021 20:02

@Whatonearth07957

Pull back if you're unhappy, see if she steps up. Communicate. Plan something lovely, her favourite food. Say you'll give her a half hour back rub! That's get me!

I do communicate. I am always unfront. If i have an issue i don't stew on it. Where as she will and won't tell me if something is playing on her mind. I brought her some little gifts the other week to make her smile. She was really thankful.

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NotSoNewAndShiny · 20/10/2021 20:03

Ah sorry...slow writer sometimes. Just saw the new posts.

Iflyaway · 20/10/2021 20:12

You sound a bit needy.....

And she sounds not very bothered.

But then again I can't judge of course.

From my perspective as a single working mum, never mind the domestics and life admin., romantic relationships are just not my nr. 1 priority while juggling it all - it's exhausting already without all that.....

Hope it works out for you.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 20/10/2021 20:14

So how much does she have her child? All the time except every other weekend? And you have your child 50/50 or less? You need to be specific about this, because if you are expecting her to spend her only 2 precious child free days a fortnight at your place then yes you are being selfish and unreasonable.

NotSoNewAndShiny · 20/10/2021 20:15

She seems really busy and as you said under a lot of pressure at work and she knows she needs a work/life balance. Not sure what can be done on that end.

You said she also puts her work above her DD, what makes you say that?

Original poster

chocolatebiccy · 20/10/2021 20:18

@Iflyaway

You sound a bit needy.....

And she sounds not very bothered.

But then again I can't judge of course.

From my perspective as a single working mum, never mind the domestics and life admin., romantic relationships are just not my nr. 1 priority while juggling it all - it's exhausting already without all that.....

Hope it works out for you.

If this was the other way around and I said i'm too tired to come over, she would get in a mood. She wouldn't outright say she was in a mood but she would get grumpy and be passive aggressive about it.

Whereas i normally just take it and say yea fine but recently i'm feeling like our relationship as become uneven and im putting more in and shes taking more out.

OP posts:

Pandorascharm2 · 20/10/2021 20:59

This sounds like my relationship 10 months and all really hope ur not my bf . I can only say i understand though, i feel like my current partener may feel like you. He always comes to mine as i dont drive and have ds all the time where as he only has dd half the week. I like ur gf get really tired after working long days and sometimes i really like the time to unwinde to myself. I understand why ur annoyed, does she do any little things to show effort like buy you little treats too or mention how greatful she is for the effort you put in or anything like that? Im sorry you feel this way but i think you need to stand your ground and say really you feel like shes making less of an effort and if she says i know its work or things will change then id be asking what exactly will you be doing to change them. Just say its causing you to doubt the relationship. I think the fear of losing you if she really loves you will make her open her eyes a bit it certainly would for me

Original poster

chocolatebiccy · 20/10/2021 21:36

@Pandorascharm2

This sounds like my relationship 10 months and all

really hope ur not my bf

. I can only say i understand though, i feel like my current partener may feel like you. He always comes to mine as i dont drive and have ds all the time where as he only has dd half the week. I like ur gf get really tired after working long days and sometimes i really like the time to unwinde to myself. I understand why ur annoyed, does she do any little things to show effort like buy you little treats too or mention how greatful she is for the effort you put in or anything like that? Im sorry you feel this way but i think you need to stand your ground and say really you feel like shes making less of an effort and if she says i know its work or things will change then id be asking what exactly will you be doing to change them. Just say its causing you to doubt the relationship. I think the fear of losing you if she really loves you will make her open her eyes a bit it certainly would for me

I can confirm i am not your bf lol. I am a women. So we are both the main carers of our children. She brought me flowers last time we argued about her work lol. Makes me a cuppa in bed sometimes. But no other than thank she doesn't acknowledge me doing the running around. I have tried talking to her. All she said is she cannot work less. I said i felt really alone in the relationship and all she could say is well if its making you feel that way then maybe you need to think if it's what you want

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Original poster

chocolatebiccy · 20/10/2021 21:39

She phoned me a moment ago. Didn't mention not coming round mine once. I was not really in the mood to speak but she was just acting like everything was ok. When its not. I just want her to acknowledge my feelings and see it from my point of view.
She also mentioned on the call that she has so much work to do during half term (she's a teacher) when she had said she couldn't wait until half term to have a break and she said we could all have proper time together.

@NotSoNewAndShiny yes so she takes her daughter to her dads at 7am and he drops her to school. Then she works all day and sometimes don't get back until 7pm. Spends 1 hour with DD and then she goes to bed. When she gets home earlier than that she gets her laptop out to work and leaves her DD to it.

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Notsurewheretogo · 20/10/2021 21:43

I was your girlfriend. I found I wasn't getting much time to myself in my own home. And it was exhausting. So I started carving time out for myself. If my kids weren't home, I made sure some nights I stayed in alone. I needed it

And it's OK saying there needs to be a work life balance. But it's not that simple. Lots of people have jobs that are stressful and you just can't say 'ah well I am not doing that today'.

I ca see why you feel its unfair as you are making more effort. But I can also see her point if view. It may be that yiu just aren't compatible. But I think yabuifyiu expect her to be at yours whenever she doesn't have her dd.

AttaGirrrrl · 20/10/2021 21:44

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable actually. How much proper down time does she get? (As in, how often can she be in her own home, alone?)

I have three nights a week without my dc. I tend to spend two of them with DP but I really need at least one of them to just be quiet, catch up on life admin, clean my house etc. Previous partners haven’t understood this and it’s been the cause of conflict, but current DP understands that if I say “I need some time alone” or “I’m too tired” I mean “I need some time alone” or “I’m too tired”. Previous partners thought I meant “I don’t want to be with you” or “I don’t care” (like you think about your gf) but that’s simply not true.

Have you spoken to her about it? Not necessarily about the specific incidents, but more generally about how much time you want to spend together?

pelosi · 20/10/2021 21:45

She expects you to do all the running and that’s not fair on you. It’s a very selfish attitude from her and deeply unattractive.

Tell her visits must be alternated now.

NotSoNewAndShiny · 20/10/2021 21:46

Seems like a workaholic, so it's not personal. Any thing else takes the back seat, once there's work to do.

I said i felt really alone in the relationship and all she could say is well if its making you feel that way then maybe you need to think if it's what you want

That's you told then. Sorry OP but you've both made it clear where you stand. The ball is now in your court to decide if you want to pull back a bit, so you don't feel you're giving too much/more than you're getting. She seems happy with the way things are. You're not - and you're not wrong for it. Up to you to decide what's next.

Let her be the one to make the effort and come to you.

pelosi · 20/10/2021 21:47

@AttaGirrrrl

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable actually. How much proper down time does she get? (As in, how often can she be in her own home, alone?)

I have three nights a week without my dc. I tend to spend two of them with DP but I really need at least one of them to just be quiet, catch up on life admin, clean my house etc. Previous partners haven’t understood this and it’s been the cause of conflict, but current DP understands that if I say “I need some time alone” or “I’m too tired” I mean “I need some time alone” or “I’m too tired”. Previous partners thought I meant “I don’t want to be with you” or “I don’t care” (like you think about your gf) but that’s simply not true.

Have you spoken to her about it? Not necessarily about the specific incidents, but more generally about how much time you want to spend together?

Then she needs to say she wants alone time, rather than expecting OP drive to her, and then getting grumpy and passive aggressive when she does’t her way.

AttaGirrrrl · 20/10/2021 21:48

Cross posts. Just saw that she’s a teacher. Cut her some slack. It’s been an absolutely horrific half term. We’re dragging ourselves to half term (yes, to rest, but also to catch up). Her work/life balance isn’t going to change so you need to decide whether you can deal with it or not.

Likewise, when she spoke to you as if there wasn’t a problem, it’s because there isn’t for her. You have a problem with not seeing her tonight. She doesn’t.

AttaGirrrrl · 20/10/2021 21:50

Ha @pelosi. It’s fascinating that we’re reading this so differently. I feel sorry for a knackered teacher who wants some alone time. You feel for the OP who wants to see her girlfriend more. It’s just different personalities/attitudes isn’t it?

Notsurewheretogo · 20/10/2021 21:50

Then she needs to say she wants alone time, rather than expecting OP drive to her, and then getting grumpy and passive aggressive when she does’t her way.

She has said she wants to stay in. She hasn't insisted op drives over there instead.
If op doesn't want to drive over to hers sometimes and wants to stay home she should just say.
And of the gf gets in a mood, tough. Everyone is entitled to space. If the ops go is moody, then she needs to end the relationship.