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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Starting to not make an effort. Who's unreasonable?

54 replies

chocolatebiccy · 20/10/2021 19:25

Been with partner 10 months. We both have DC and live apart. I go over to hers the majority of the time mainly because she has her DD more than I have my DS. However every other week I have my DS but she does not have her DD so she comes to mine. I think this is the only time really that she comes to mine and i'm always running around doing the driving to hers.
2 weeks ago she said she couldn't come to mind because she didn't feel well and was achy. So i said don't worry about coming round and rest. Tonight she rang and said she would be over soon, when she got home she text and said she wanted to see me but her brain was sleepy. So basically she couldn't be bothered to come round. We live 30 mins apart.
I always try and see her and she is 2nd priority obvs my DS is first. I just feel like when its her turn to come to mine she just cannot be bothered, When we first started dating there were no issues.
I'm beginning to see more and more than actually she is a selfish character. I love her very much but she thinks of herself and her work so much. Putting me, and her DD behind that. It's starting to get to me that her work is first and we come after that.

So IABU to be upset that she cannot make the effort to come over tonight again.......?

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatebiccy · 20/10/2021 21:52

yes @pelosi i think this is what gets me most. Her passive agressiveness. I even said earlier in the day, you don't have to come round if you don't want to. Her answer was no i don't mind. She called me on the way back from work, she still insisted coming over was fine. Then she got home and decided she was too tired but didn't actually say that but said it in a roundabout way. It just made me really annoyed.

OP posts:
FatCatThinCat · 20/10/2021 21:53

I read it that she has her DD most of the time and when she doesn't you expect her to come to yours as you then have your DS. So she gets no child free time. How much child free time do you get?

AttaGirrrrl · 20/10/2021 21:54

I still feel sorry for her. She sounds like me!
I’d say I was fine going to DP’s, then get home, realise how knackered I was and think “well, they said they wouldn’t mind” so cancel. Why tell her you don’t mind if you do?

NotSoNewAndShiny · 20/10/2021 21:57

@chocolatebiccy I think her being flaky is irritating for sure. If she can't make it, it's better to just say so than let you think she will, only to cancel the last minute.

Does she normally do that or was it just that once?

Original poster
chocolatebiccy · 20/10/2021 21:58

@AttaGirrrrl

Cross posts. Just saw that she’s a teacher. Cut her some slack. It’s been an absolutely horrific half term. We’re dragging ourselves to half term (yes, to rest, but also to catch up). Her work/life balance isn’t going to change so you need to decide whether you can deal with it or not.

Likewise, when she spoke to you as if there wasn’t a problem, it’s because there isn’t for her. You have a problem with not seeing her tonight. She doesn’t.

Yes I get its been very tough and pressures but does your personal life come at a cost of any job? Her life is 80% work and 20% personal. It's not just me thats suffering, its her daughter too. I can be talking to her and all of a sudden she's on her work emails. If she isn't working she telling me the dramas of school. Which is fine but there needs to be a balance. Eventually she will have no personal life, her daughter is growing up and I wont be there if this continues i feel.
OP posts:
AttaGirrrrl · 20/10/2021 22:01

It doesn’t change though. We’re obsessed with the job because we love the job. Get any group of teachers together and they do the same. Just talk constantly about work Grin

She’s been honest with you. She’s not going to change. You need to decide if you want that or not.

Original poster
chocolatebiccy · 20/10/2021 22:03

[quote NotSoNewAndShiny]@chocolatebiccy I think her being flaky is irritating for sure. If she can't make it, it's better to just say so than let you think she will, only to cancel the last minute.

Does she normally do that or was it just that once?[/quote]
Yes this is exactly it. With me i would rather you just say it straight not beat around the bush with vague messages.
Her pet hate is being let down and although she hasn't really let me down as we weren't going anywhere i was looking forward to seeing her to be told oh well i want to see you but i'm sleepy last minute. I even predicted this would happen hence me saying to her earlier in the day you dont have to come over because you'll be tired at that time.

OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 20/10/2021 22:10

You've been pretty clear by the signs of it and her response was to suggest you ask yourself whether you want to be in the relationship which is also pretty clear.
Her lack of directness and passive aggressive doesn't sound much fun but that's a different issue I think.
As for the effort balance she isn't going to give more so you either dial back on your effort so you are now evenly matched to remove the resentment or you opt out entirely. Maybe taking up less of each others time would be good, take the pressure off you both and balance things out?

TravelLost · 20/10/2021 22:13

The reality is that you are not her first priority. Her dc is, just like you…. So I can see (esp with her crazy schedule) why she isn’t coming to yours when she has her child.

Then she has her work. All the teachers I know are like her. This is a crap job if you want to have some down time tbh. And all the teachers I know are also counting the days down the half term so they can finally have a break (and actually spend half of it still working).

So yes there is an imbalance. But I suspect trying to get the balance to 50/50 is going to be a lost battle tbh.

Phoenix76 · 20/10/2021 23:12

I get it op, it makes you feel like you don’t matter but I really don’t think that’s the case. It sounds to me that she’s genuinely on her knees. I don’t envy teachers at all at the best of times, never mind in the middle of a global pandemic. If she did summon up the energy to crawl around to yours she wouldn’t feel as though she’s presenting her “best self”, she’ll be feeling stressed and knotted up. The pa remarks are probably born from the weight she carries at the moment, not saying it’s excusable, but I can imagine the overwhelming feeling of being a single parent in a notoriously all consuming job and even then I’m probably not even close.
I think, if everything else is going well and you can see a future here, if you make it clear that you’ve got her back and can see she needs some time to breathe that would go a long way to build a great future together. I’m not suggesting you accept being second best but I think if you can afford it and it won’t cause you too much damage, give her some time and she’ll be with you for the right reasons.

pelosi · 21/10/2021 05:59

@AttaGirrrrl

Ha *@pelosi*. It’s fascinating that we’re reading this so differently. I feel sorry for a knackered teacher who wants some alone time. You feel for the OP who wants to see her girlfriend more. It’s just different personalities/attitudes isn’t it?
But she doesn’t want alone time, have you actually read the OP’s posts?!

If this was the other way around and I said i'm too tired to come over, she would get in a mood. She wouldn't outright say she was in a mood but she would get grumpy and be passive aggressive about it.

Whereas i normally just take it and say yea fine but recently i'm feeling like our relationship as become uneven and im putting more in and shes taking more out.

This woman is a taker and has no intention of changing.

OP, take her at her word and dump her.

There’s always seems to be a view on MN that teachers should be treated with kid gloves, but we’re all tired and stressed, I can guarantee my job is no less stressful than a teacher’s.

pelosi · 21/10/2021 06:00

@Notsurewheretogo

Then she needs to say she wants alone time, rather than expecting OP drive to her, and then getting grumpy and passive aggressive when she does’t her way.

She has said she wants to stay in. She hasn't insisted op drives over there instead.
If op doesn't want to drive over to hers sometimes and wants to stay home she should just say.
And of the gf gets in a mood, tough. Everyone is entitled to space. If the ops go is moody, then she needs to end the relationship.

Again, read the OP’s posts.

If this was the other way around and I said i'm too tired to come over, she would get in a mood. She wouldn't outright say she was in a mood but she would get grumpy and be passive aggressive about it.

Whereas i normally just take it and say yea fine but recently i'm feeling like our relationship as become uneven and im putting more in and shes taking more out.

pelosi · 21/10/2021 06:02

I can be talking to her and all of a sudden she's on her work emails. If she isn't working she telling me the dramas of school.

People who drone on about their work are tedious, it’s no different with teachers.

TumtumTree · 21/10/2021 06:35

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

She's not being unreasonable to feel tired and really want a night in on her own.

You're not being unreasonable to feel sad and let down that you seem to be making more of an effort in the relationship than she does.

The way forward depends on who is willing to change or compromise.

OP, you say that she is passive aggressive, but isn't that exactly what you've done here? You said earlier in the day that you didn't mind if she doesn't come over, but actually you're really cross when she took you at your word!

pelosi · 21/10/2021 06:42

@TumtumTree i think OP is annoyed that when her gf is flaky, she has to grin and bear it, and when OP tries the same, her gf gets passive aggressive and grumpy.

No one likes double standards.

TumtumTree · 21/10/2021 06:44

But my point is that OP also reacted in a passive aggressive way. So not really a double standard?

Notsurewheretogo · 21/10/2021 06:51

@pelosi I did read the ops posts.

You posted the gf should say she wanted time alone and not expect her to drive there.

The gf wasn't expecting her to drive there. She may do usually. But she was, clearly, wanting a night alone. Expecting the op to go to her is a different issue.

And I even acknowledged that the girlfriend gets moody.....and addressed that. And said if the gf is moody op should end it.

pelosi · 21/10/2021 06:54

But OP hasn’t been passive aggressive, if anything, she’s just been passive and let GF treat her this way.

Op spoke to gf last night and said ‘there needs to be some work life balance.’ That’s not passive aggressive at all, that’s OP communicating.

Enterifyoudare · 21/10/2021 06:54

@TumtumTree

But my point is that OP also reacted in a passive aggressive way. So not really a double standard?
Yup. I thought this too.

I also think its interesting you complain about the relationship being unbalanced. Of course its unbalanced, you have a lot more flexibility and free time than she does due to your personal arrangements about your children. The relationship isn't ever going to be balanced. You either need to make peace with it or end it.

TumtumTree · 21/10/2021 07:03

Well OK, who knows if it's passive aggressive or just passive. But the point is she said to get gf "I don't mind if you don't come over". Then gf didn't come over and OP clearly does mind and is cross about it.

pelosi · 21/10/2021 07:03

[quote Notsurewheretogo]@pelosi I did read the ops posts.

You posted the gf should say she wanted time alone and not expect her to drive there.

The gf wasn't expecting her to drive there. She may do usually. But she was, clearly, wanting a night alone. Expecting the op to go to her is a different issue.

And I even acknowledged that the girlfriend gets moody.....and addressed that. And said if the gf is moody op should end it.[/quote]
How was it clear she wanted a night alone? Saying ‘I want to see you but my brain is sleepy’ is more likely a hint that OP should be the one to make the 30 min drive yet again.

pelosi · 21/10/2021 07:05

@TumtumTree

Well OK, who knows if it's passive aggressive or just passive. But the point is she said to get gf "I don't mind if you don't come over". Then gf didn't come over and OP clearly does mind and is cross about it.
I would suggest to OP that she needs to get just as grumpy as gf does when she says can’t come over.

So I see your point - OP, take a leaf from your gf’s book and be grumpy, don’t pretend you’re ok with it to keep the peace.

TumtumTree · 21/10/2021 07:06

At the end of the day it's up to gf what her work life balance is. OP can choose to leave if she feels the relationship isn't enough of a priority.

madisonbridges · 21/10/2021 07:15

You're 10 months in and from your point of view you feel like you're doing all the work and she's passive aggressive. I don't think any of this is going to change so I don't see what you're getting out of this relationship and it's not going to get better, it'll only get worse. You're obviously keen and energetic so move on from this one and take some time to find someone who's more compatible.

RedHelenB · 21/10/2021 07:26

@chocolatebiccy

She phoned me a moment ago. Didn't mention not coming round mine once. I was not really in the mood to speak but she was just acting like everything was ok. When its not. I just want her to acknowledge my feelings and see it from my point of view. She also mentioned on the call that she has so much work to do during half term (she's a teacher) when she had said she couldn't wait until half term to have a break and she said we could all have proper time together.

@NotSoNewAndShiny yes so she takes her daughter to her dads at 7am and he drops her to school. Then she works all day and sometimes don't get back until 7pm. Spends 1 hour with DD and then she goes to bed. When she gets home earlier than that she gets her laptop out to work and leaves her DD to it.

She's too busy to be what you want. She's given you permission to split so for your same I would, find someone who is as into you as you are to them.