Starting to not make an effort. Who's unreasonable?

54 replies

chocolatebiccy · 20/10/2021 19:25

Been with partner 10 months. We both have DC and live apart. I go over to hers the majority of the time mainly because she has her DD more than I have my DS. However every other week I have my DS but she does not have her DD so she comes to mine. I think this is the only time really that she comes to mine and i'm always running around doing the driving to hers.
2 weeks ago she said she couldn't come to mind because she didn't feel well and was achy. So i said don't worry about coming round and rest. Tonight she rang and said she would be over soon, when she got home she text and said she wanted to see me but her brain was sleepy. So basically she couldn't be bothered to come round. We live 30 mins apart.
I always try and see her and she is 2nd priority obvs my DS is first. I just feel like when its her turn to come to mine she just cannot be bothered, When we first started dating there were no issues.
I'm beginning to see more and more than actually she is a selfish character. I love her very much but she thinks of herself and her work so much. Putting me, and her DD behind that. It's starting to get to me that her work is first and we come after that.

So IABU to be upset that she cannot make the effort to come over tonight again.......?

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 21/10/2021 07:26

Sake not same

NotSoNewAndShiny · 21/10/2021 09:09

But the point is she said to get gf "I don't mind if you don't come over". Then gf didn't come over and OP clearly does mind and is cross about it.

I don't think that's what the OP is cross about. The gf insists she can come over. OP says she doesn't have to and she won't mind (and OP foresees the gf saying she's tired and may cancel - as she usually does - and wants the gf to not make promises), the gf still insists it's okay she'll make it. The OP has her hopes up. Later, the gf does what the OP sort of feared and cancels (indirectly) at the last minute saying she's tired.

The OP is cross because her gf got her hopes up, then flaked on their plans again. She's unreliable in that way. If the gf had not done that and simply said she couldn't make it or even just said 'let's see how it goes', then the OP wouldn't have been bothered.

Original poster

chocolatebiccy · 21/10/2021 11:49

@NotSoNewAndShiny

But the point is she said to get gf "I don't mind if you don't come over". Then gf didn't come over and OP clearly does mind and is cross about it.

Yes this is exactly it! It's the last min cancelling just after i'd gotten off the phone to her when she said she was still coming over. So somewhere from that to getting home she either thought i can't be bothered or already knew she was going to do this. I'd rather her not be flaky and let me down at the last min.

With me if i say i'm going to do something i do it. If i say i'm not then i wont.

OP posts:

TopCatsTopHat · 21/10/2021 14:06

Maybe the relationship is just a case of almost right person not quite right time.
You strongly dislike an aspect of her approach which occurs routinely and don't agree with her priorities (work vs. personal life), and even if this wasn't the case and she was a perfect fit in terms of personality she just doesn't have the time to put into your relationship.
Struggling to see how this is going to get any better, you can't square this circle from what you've said. If you're this dissatisfied at 10 months in how are you going to feel in another 3 years.... it's going to grate on both of you, maybe you should pragmatically take a decision that your heart won't like so at least you can part company on good terms, if you wait until you're really taking shots at each other for this fundamental mis-alignment in what you both want/need and can offer, it could all get personal and unpleasant which would be a shame since you clearly both have strong feelings for each other.

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