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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a little hurt....

60 replies

ProFailure · 20/10/2021 10:25

NC for this.

DS (21) is moving 3500 miles away for a new job on Nov 1st.

Been a whirlwind trying to get everything in order as he was only offered the job last week.

Agreed we'd have a close family get together to send him off so have been contacting everyone to confirm numbers.

DN (26) says she can't do the day we've planned as she has prior arrangements and is throwing him a party in the evening (we're not invited) so has asked if we can change it.

Now I can't do the evenings prior as I work late, and the Sunday (day before he leaves) will need to be used to tie up loose ends and for him to do what he needs to do.

He has told me he doesn't want the party and would prefer a meal but he's not the type to speak up (and I can't do that for him).

Now for the record I am NOT demanding his time and do not for a second believe I come before anyone else and it is entirely possible I am being overly emotional and sensitive but AIBU to want to have us all together and feel like my DN is excluding everyone else?

OP posts:
SequinnedShawl · 20/10/2021 10:44

DN (26) says she can't do the day we've planned as she has prior arrangements and is throwing him a party in the evening (we're not invited) so has asked if we can change it

No.

SequinnedShawl · 20/10/2021 10:45

He has told me he doesn't want the party and would prefer a meal but he's not the type to speak up (and I can't do that for him)

If he won't speak up he'll have a lifetime of always doing what someone else wanted.

LagneyandCasey · 20/10/2021 10:47

Oh well, DN will have to miss out as you are carrying on with the meal as planned.

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2021 10:49

Well he will have to speak up. He’s an adult. He can’t be asking mummy to sort it.

PinkFizz1 · 20/10/2021 10:51

@Bluntness100

Well he will have to speak up. He’s an adult. He can’t be asking mummy to sort it.
This. He's a grown man moving 3500 miles away and he can't speak up to his own cousin? Confused
Original poster
ProFailure · 20/10/2021 10:52

@Bluntness100

Well he will have to speak up. He’s an adult. He can’t be asking mummy to sort it.
He isn't asking me to. He doesn't want to hurt anyone so won't tell her he doesn't want the party. However that means everyone else misses out.
OP posts:
Original poster
ProFailure · 20/10/2021 10:53

He doesn't want to upset anyone so is of the opinion just to leave things as they are.

I'm just sitting here sobbing as I guess I feel a little left out of all the leaving events.

OP posts:
romdowa · 20/10/2021 10:54

Your son needs to speak up here and express his wishes.

Cuntness · 20/10/2021 10:59

Why aren't you invited to the party?

neededafart · 20/10/2021 11:02

@Cuntness

Why aren't you invited to the party?
Sounds like party for he younger family members and friends?

Can you not do both, day time celebration and evening celebration ?

Original poster
ProFailure · 20/10/2021 11:03

@Cuntness

Why aren't you invited to the party?
No one from family or his friendship group is. Not entirely sure whose benefit it's for to be honest.
OP posts:
JaneDoe21 · 20/10/2021 11:03

Why hasn't DN invited you to your own sons leaving party? Confused
Also if he doesn't want the party and is to anxious to tell DN maybe he'd feel comfortable if you told her this?
Don't let your niece spoil it! This is about your son not her! If she can't attend the meal then tough.

JaneDoe21 · 20/10/2021 11:04

Also don't change it to suit one person. Why should the entire family miss out because of her selfish needs?

Original poster
ProFailure · 20/10/2021 11:05

@neededafart he's made plans with a few of his childhood friends in the day. He said he would have preferred to go for a meal in the evening but at the risk of upsetting anyone thinks it best to leave things as they are.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 20/10/2021 11:08

This is very odd? Are you sure he wouldn't rather have the party with his age group but is saying otherwise so as not to upset you?

RedHelenB · 20/10/2021 11:09

Is he in a relationship with DN?

Original poster
ProFailure · 20/10/2021 11:10

@RedHelenB

This is very odd? Are you sure he wouldn't rather have the party with his age group but is saying otherwise so as not to upset you?
He's not a drinker, doesn't have a large social circle (he's seeing his childhood friends separately) and other than my niece and nephew he's not close to anyone else attending (they'll be friends of my DN)
OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 20/10/2021 11:11

I don’t blame you for being upset but really, your son needs to pull himself together!! Doesn’t want to upset anyone so prioritises a cousin’s party (a cousin who has no interest in inviting people he actually cares about, eg his friends and family) over his own mum. Daft boy.

Notonthestairs · 20/10/2021 11:12

Oh good grief if you can't stick your oar in when your son is moving 3500 miles away when can you?
Both of you need to tell people what you want to happen.
You'll regret it if you don't.

ineedsun · 20/10/2021 11:15

I don’t understand this, you arranged a get together in the day.

DN says she can’t come so can you rearrange it. But she’s having a party in the evening for him.

I don’t understand why you need to rearrange your plans for her. Why don’t you still have your day and if he feels like going into the party he can.

But then there’s something to do with his friends too, I don’t get it.

ChimChimeny · 20/10/2021 11:19

@ineedsun I'm a bit confused too Confused

But anyway, someone needs to tell DN he doesn't want to go to the party, and it really should be your DS as like PSP have said he'll spend his life doing stuff he doesn't want to so as 'not to upset' others

Nondescriptname · 20/10/2021 11:19

He doesn't want to hurt anyone?
But he's okay with hurting his own mother? And probably other relatives too.

If he genuinely doesn't want the party he should tell his cousin that he's going with your plan.

(I bet she's grabbed the excuse for a party because she wants to invite someone that she fancies.)

LightDrizzle · 20/10/2021 11:20

Sounds like moving 3,500 miles will be good for your son as he needs to stop being such a wet lettuce. I’m amazed frankly.

She’s being unreasonable but he’s being infuriatingly passive about it.
Say no to her and tell him that you will plan the meal and invite x,y,z unless he tells you that isn’t what he want.
Ye gods! What a palaver!

Original poster
ProFailure · 20/10/2021 11:22

@RedHelenB

Is he in a relationship with DN?
Random ... but no.
OP posts:
beautifulview · 20/10/2021 11:26

This is a firm no. He’s your son. She’s just a cousin. Mother comes before cousin. End of. The meal stands. He can go on to the party after the meal ends at about 10.30/11 but the meal STANDS. Stop being a wet lettuce. This is your kid. You are under reacting. Send her this

“This is my last chance to celebrate with my son. The meal with his immediate family takes priority. We are not changing it. If he wants to attend your party then once the meal has finished at about 10pm we will drop him off at yours”

Then stand firm.