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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a little hurt....

60 replies

ProFailure · 20/10/2021 10:25

NC for this.

DS (21) is moving 3500 miles away for a new job on Nov 1st.

Been a whirlwind trying to get everything in order as he was only offered the job last week.

Agreed we'd have a close family get together to send him off so have been contacting everyone to confirm numbers.

DN (26) says she can't do the day we've planned as she has prior arrangements and is throwing him a party in the evening (we're not invited) so has asked if we can change it.

Now I can't do the evenings prior as I work late, and the Sunday (day before he leaves) will need to be used to tie up loose ends and for him to do what he needs to do.

He has told me he doesn't want the party and would prefer a meal but he's not the type to speak up (and I can't do that for him).

Now for the record I am NOT demanding his time and do not for a second believe I come before anyone else and it is entirely possible I am being overly emotional and sensitive but AIBU to want to have us all together and feel like my DN is excluding everyone else?

OP posts:
vajingleberry · 20/10/2021 12:24

Come on OP.

Your son won't actually tell your niece that he doesn't want to do what she is suggesting because he "doesn't want to upset anyone"

You don't want to tell her no (pretty obvious where he gets his "people pleasing" attitude from) and are sat there sobbing.

Have you told your son that you are upset?

Does anyone in your family actually speak to each other?

What special powers does your niece have that makes it OK for you and your son to do something that neither of you want to?

@beautifulview has given you the perfect response which you agreed with. Have you actually said this to your niece?

If one of my children was moving so far away (and at very short notice) then I wouldn't be changing my plans to suit a niece and if my child felt that they had to go along with the change just to avoid upsetting anyone then I would be telling them that they were upsetting me and asking why they thought that was OK.

TaraR2020 · 20/10/2021 12:26

@beautifulview

This is a firm no. He’s your son. She’s just a cousin. Mother comes before cousin. End of. The meal stands. He can go on to the party after the meal ends at about 10.30/11 but the meal STANDS. Stop being a wet lettuce. This is your kid. You are under reacting. Send her this

“This is my last chance to celebrate with my son. The meal with his immediate family takes priority. We are not changing it. If he wants to attend your party then once the meal has finished at about 10pm we will drop him off at yours”

Then stand firm.

Exactly this! you tell her no. In spite of your sons age I think its perfectly alright for you to take charge here - and you should!
MrsRobbieHart · 20/10/2021 12:28

I actually thought DN was a typo or meant something other than dear niece. It’s just such a bizarre dynamic that you are all apparently scared of your niece! I could understand if it was your sons father or maybe your MIL. But it makes no sense that you are so afraid of your niece. Or that she would think she had any say in the situation.

JaneDoe21 · 20/10/2021 12:40

So why not refuse to move the meal and just say "it's a shame you can't make it niece, ah well maybe next time DS is home visiting you'll get a chance to see him."
Why the hell are you letting your niece of all people ruin your plans? Why can't you just say no to her? I really do not understand the issue. Confused

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2021 12:46

Why are you sitting crying? He will make the meal and go to thr party after, she asked you to change it so she can come, you can’t, so you say sorry I can’t but we would have loved to have had you there

Are you sitting crying becays you want to go to thr party too?

Original poster
ProFailure · 20/10/2021 16:18

@Bluntness100

Why are you sitting crying? He will make the meal and go to thr party after, she asked you to change it so she can come, you can’t, so you say sorry I can’t but we would have loved to have had you there

Are you sitting crying becays you want to go to thr party too?

It would have been nice if my other DS (17) had been invited to be honest.

He's pretty upset.

Not sure why it hasn't even been mentioned at all.

OP posts:
sendaisnow · 20/10/2021 16:44

This "party" sounds ridiculous. Will your DS know anyone? Why is he going if none of his friends or family (other than his cousin) be there?

Mydogmylife · 20/10/2021 16:53

Sets of big girl pants required all round, pair for you and a pair for your son! For goodness sake speak up and stop being so passive. You say your son isn't a wet lettuce but he certainly isn't showing it.

MrsRobbieHart · 20/10/2021 16:57

Reckon there’s a lot more to this that you aren’t saying here OP. Otherwise it just makes no sense.

AutumnLeafy · 20/10/2021 17:07

It would have been nice if my other DS (17) had been invited to be honest. they might be planning on going out or having a massive piss up.

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