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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a little hurt....

60 replies

ProFailure · 20/10/2021 10:25

NC for this.

DS (21) is moving 3500 miles away for a new job on Nov 1st.

Been a whirlwind trying to get everything in order as he was only offered the job last week.

Agreed we'd have a close family get together to send him off so have been contacting everyone to confirm numbers.

DN (26) says she can't do the day we've planned as she has prior arrangements and is throwing him a party in the evening (we're not invited) so has asked if we can change it.

Now I can't do the evenings prior as I work late, and the Sunday (day before he leaves) will need to be used to tie up loose ends and for him to do what he needs to do.

He has told me he doesn't want the party and would prefer a meal but he's not the type to speak up (and I can't do that for him).

Now for the record I am NOT demanding his time and do not for a second believe I come before anyone else and it is entirely possible I am being overly emotional and sensitive but AIBU to want to have us all together and feel like my DN is excluding everyone else?

OP posts:
Original poster
ProFailure · 20/10/2021 11:27

Thanks for all the responses so far.

For the record he's not a "wet lettuce", he doesn't like fuss and prefers to fly under the radar.

The aim was to have one meal with close family so that all the goodbyes were done in one go. It's a big deal for all of us especially his siblings and grandparents.

I'm driving him (by myself) to the airport so I'll have that time with him but really sad for everyone else.

Need to step back and let him do as he wants to do. Maybe I'll do a special meal at home with the kids the night before he leaves.

OP posts:
Original poster
ProFailure · 20/10/2021 11:28

@beautifulview

This is a firm no. He’s your son. She’s just a cousin. Mother comes before cousin. End of. The meal stands. He can go on to the party after the meal ends at about 10.30/11 but the meal STANDS. Stop being a wet lettuce. This is your kid. You are under reacting. Send her this

“This is my last chance to celebrate with my son. The meal with his immediate family takes priority. We are not changing it. If he wants to attend your party then once the meal has finished at about 10pm we will drop him off at yours”

Then stand firm.

This! Thanks so much.
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 20/10/2021 11:29

Why can't you have a meal early evening then the youngsters head off to the party afterwards?

mountbattenbergcake · 20/10/2021 11:36

Is DN niece? Just call her yourself. Yes ideally he should but she is being ridiculous so tell her no.

Tal45 · 20/10/2021 11:36

I'm so confused. You say DN can't do the day you've planned and has organised an evening party. But then you say he's with his friends in the day and it sounds like you're planning an evening meal.

I'd just ask him what his plans are and what he wants to do, maybe he'd just rather see his friends and not have a big family thing - at 26 I'm sure that would have been my choice too. Maybe he just doesn't want to upset you? Anyway no respectable party is going to be starting at 7:30 so why don't you have the meal and then he can go to the party after.

sendaisnow · 20/10/2021 11:37

I don't understand the evening party. Why would DN throw him a party with none of his friends or family there. That makes no sense.

Chamomileteaplease · 20/10/2021 11:37

This kind of thing really pisses me off. Your son's passivity means that he would rather upset about thirty people than one person - his cousin.

Doesn't make sense. It is in fact rather stupid.

I agree with Beautiful View - whilst it probably seems weird to stick your oar in , as it were, in this case I think you will have to. You will always regret it otherwise.

Don't be as passive as your son!

Sparkletastic · 20/10/2021 11:38

Model being assertive for him and tell your DN to bugger off.

AutumnLeafy · 20/10/2021 11:42

DN (26) says she can't do the day we've planned as she has prior arrangements and is throwing him a party in the evening (we're not invited) so has asked if we can change it. then DN will have to miss it. Carry on with the meal in the day and then he cam go to the party in the evening. Or he needs to upset DN and not go to the party.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/10/2021 11:43

Your ds will have to decide - if he's choosing the party I wonder if that is his preference and he is struggling to tell you. If he is worried about upsetting his cousin but not worried about upsetting his mother and other relatives, its a bit odd but I suppose you'll have to live with it.

It is an understandably emotive time. Don't build the "send off" into something bigger than it is. He knows you love him. You will be able to ring and you will see him again. Having a meal together (or not) doesn't change anything in your relationship, and it also probably won't shield you from the pain of him going. You have to deal with that in another way.

AutumnLeafy · 20/10/2021 11:43

Your son needs to do what he wants to do and not be a people pleaser

Original poster
ProFailure · 20/10/2021 11:52

@Tal45

I'm so confused. You say DN can't do the day you've planned and has organised an evening party. But then you say he's with his friends in the day and it sounds like you're planning an evening meal.

I'd just ask him what his plans are and what he wants to do, maybe he'd just rather see his friends and not have a big family thing - at 26 I'm sure that would have been my choice too. Maybe he just doesn't want to upset you? Anyway no respectable party is going to be starting at 7:30 so why don't you have the meal and then he can go to the party after.

He is having a couple of nights away with friends but can make the meal. DN wants us to move it so she can make it even though she's holding a party for him in the evening.
OP posts:
Original poster
ProFailure · 20/10/2021 11:54

OK so to clarify.

DS is going away with his mates for a couple of nights next week but can be back for the meal. DN wants us to change the day of the planned meal so she can attend even though she has arranged a party for him the same evening.

OP posts:
AutumnLeafy · 20/10/2021 11:56

@ProFailure

OK so to clarify.

DS is going away with his mates for a couple of nights next week but can be back for the meal. DN wants us to change the day of the planned meal so she can attend even though she has arranged a party for him the same evening.

Well DN needs to be told no.
AutumnLeafy · 20/10/2021 11:56

Why does DN think her availability trumps everyone elses

JackieChiles · 20/10/2021 11:58

You said your son says “leave it as it is” so that would mean sticking with the original plan of doing the meal, right? Just say sorry DN we can’t reschedule.

Is it possible your son prefers the party but is weaseling out of telling you? I can’t see any other reason to make such a big change to the existing plans.

ineedsun · 20/10/2021 12:01

So you just tell DN ‘no’ and let DN and DS decide between them what will happen with the party.

I really think I must be missing something here.

MrsRobbieHart · 20/10/2021 12:08

Sounds like a very odd dynamic.

MrsRobbieHart · 20/10/2021 12:08

Why are you hurt BTW?

Original poster
ProFailure · 20/10/2021 12:13

@MrsRobbieHart

Why are you hurt BTW?
Possibly selfishly because I feel excluded from it all.

Just get the general vibe that it doesn't matter if I'm a part of any of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ProFailure · 20/10/2021 12:15

@MrsRobbieHart

Sounds like a very odd dynamic.
I guess it is to be honest.

We're there for each other when needed but don't live in each others pockets.

My DS and DN have only started making plans with each other in the last year or so. No real contact before that.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 20/10/2021 12:15

Well DN needs to be told no.

Simply this. Bizarre that you'd all let her lead the decision-making on this. She's not available for the meal that you - his DM - has planned so that's her tough shit. Son not wanting to upset her is meaningless as he presumably wouldn't want you in floods of tears either and it just means he'll go with the flow if you take the initiative. So stick to your guns, have the meal and whether DS goes on to the party is entirely up to him. Her plans take second place to yours. She's just a niece for heaven's sake. Stop crying and be decisive.

MrsRobbieHart · 20/10/2021 12:18

I guess it is to be honest.

We're there for each other when needed but don't live in each others pockets.

I didn’t mean you and DS. I meant DN and her overbearing behaviour towards him- particularly the fact she is having a party for him that he will know no-one at. And also her expecting you to just change your plans. Why does this person appear to dominate you all?

RedHelenB · 20/10/2021 12:20

@beautifulview

This is a firm no. He’s your son. She’s just a cousin. Mother comes before cousin. End of. The meal stands. He can go on to the party after the meal ends at about 10.30/11 but the meal STANDS. Stop being a wet lettuce. This is your kid. You are under reacting. Send her this

“This is my last chance to celebrate with my son. The meal with his immediate family takes priority. We are not changing it. If he wants to attend your party then once the meal has finished at about 10pm we will drop him off at yours”

Then stand firm.

This, if your son agrees to it. Up to him ultimately though.
RedHelenB · 20/10/2021 12:23

Just wondering why he's so eager not to upset her. On paper it seems as though a family meal with his family would automatically trump a party where its just his cousin that he knows?