SIL spending all MILs savings, MIL making excuses due to SIL health

[A2011]

Hi, 1st time posting so hope I can put issue across clearly. Found out due to MIL hinting that she was skint that SIL (her daughter) has been 'borrowing' lots of money. Each month MILs outgoings is higher than her income but as the income includes the savings we has to intervene as savings (over 2k) are now gone. I say we, I as DIL did most of the talking as hubby doesn't like confrontation. Highlighted to both of them that MIL can no longer afford to lend £. SIL is on benefits as she has MS so said we would help SIL if she was struggling. SIL says she's on the breadline, they have no money and show us she has £3.80 in her account. MIL says they help each other out, SIL does pay for MILs shopping sometimes & has paid back a bit but it is a small fraction of what has gone. SIL shares her statements & these tell a different story. She is only struggling to fund a severe spending habit. 4 different TV subscriptions, £26 pm on lottery, £25 dog treat subscription, takeaways. Food shopping in Sainsburys not Aldi & certainly not the food bank! I should add that she has a fiance who contributes over half his wages, she has more than enough to cover all normal outgoings & some left over. MIL only made excuses, saying she herself needs to cut back, she is spending next to nothing herself, she likes to pay for her daughters & grand daughters weekly horse riding (I know!) and has enough herself (pensions & benefits) to do that but can continue to the extent it has been. I think she overcompensates because SIL has health issues, DH is going to take over online banking and change password, MIL says "oh but SIL will get upset". We helped SIL save some £ by cancelling some unnecessary bills but there is still work to do. Until SIL can face the real issue (overspending possibly addiction) it isn't going to be resolved fully. MIL has told us to back off for a bit, as SIL is getting headaches. We are waiting for the bank password. I think she'll get worse when we lock her out. I don't think fiance knows everything, he gets a lot of blame from SIL and MIL, he doesn't do a lot around home, he works 12 hour shifts and as said he contributes. MiL never mentions the positives about him, always negative whereas SIL can do no wrong. Have told DH he needs to be firm, not "sorry we upset". I struggle as I always try to be reasonable and with her health it is a worry but there's a part of me that feels she is manipulative & not used to hearing no. I've said I will help DH with laying out all the figures for info and he needs to step up. Don't think either SIL or MIL 'get it' yet. Sorry for long post, think it therapeutic to get it all out, trying not to feel conflicted, like I'm being firm but fair without feeling like a b!tch!

You need to step back OP.

You are right but this absolutely is not your fight.

This is none of your business.

Let DH, his sister and his mother sort it out between themselves.

Why are you getting involved in what your mil does with her money? If she has capacity and knows what she’s doing it’s her choice to make, even if you don’t agree with it.

Do they both MIL and sil have capacity? If so this is how they are choosing to live their lives unfortunately, why should your dh become the mean parent withholding all the 'fun stuff' from them? And you are contributing to this chaos from your income? Not a chance from my perspective!

Why are you interfering in your husband’s family’s financial affairs? Unless you are financially supporting the two of them, this is none of your business.

Does your DH have POA?

Is dh even allowed to take over his Dm online banking if she is of sound mind and able to make decisions for herself even if others feel they are not the right decisions?

As long as they don’t expect you to contribute it’s none of your business.
If they do expect you to contribute just say no. Still none of your business.

I don’t really understand why you are so involved in either of their financial lives?
Do you have power of attorney?
Does MIL lack capacity to make financial decisions?

It's not even any of DH's business IMO. A mother wants to help her daughter who has health issues. There's nothing wrong with that and if it causes her problems down the line, that's her problem.

In OP defence, if MIL and sil weren't telling her and dh they wouldn't know, and I'd assume they were being told in order to be offered money!

It's too late if your mil's savings are gone. You say she had 2k in savings which she has given over time to her daughter?

It's fine to offer sil or mil financial advice but your husband does not have the authority to take over his mum's bank accounts.

Inbound be more concerned that DH decided he needed to top up his mother's account.

Personally let them get on with it. If the savings are gone they are gone and if there isn't the income MIL won't be able to sub SIL.

Unless your MIL lacks mental capacity YABVVU to take over her financial affairs (and even if she did, you YWBU to do so without financial POA).

I say this as someone who has watched a DSis take financial advantage of DM for over a decade, in a similar situation. I have tried to address is with both of them over the years (because I am involved, whether I want to be or not, and ultimately it will be me who needs to bail out DM if/when she finds herself in difficulties as a result).

I do understand how awful it is to watch this kind of scenario play out, but trying to wrestle financial control from your MIL is not the solution.

I’m in a situation that has a few similarities. MIL feels very sorry for her DD as she never married and had dc. She can never say no to SIL there have been many issues over the years. I had almost a year of MIL getting upset and crying down the phone about SIL behaviour which was especially extreme at that time but she will not say no to her ever.

The sums are different, they are much bigger and the specific issues are different but what you have is some guilt, worry, pity dynamic going on.

MIL recently revealed SIL has just had 10k out of her. My SIL has also apart from one year always had a very well paying job, she is just actually awful with money.

Yabu. It's between mil and sil. Obviously it's your business as to whether it not you and your help either of them out by giving/lending money.

I agree it's nothing to do with you. I find completely bizarre your so involved in her finances I know nothing of mil and fil finances or if they give money to sil its not our business.

Unless there’s something you’ve not told us, such as your MIL has been diagnosed with dementia or has a brain injury that has affected her cognitive functions, then your DH has no right to take over her financial affairs. This is just as much financial abuse as is her daughter rinsing her for money. How on earth did you think it was acceptable to scrutinise your SILs bank statements???

I'm baffled that you looked at all sil's bank statements too, and cancelled her "unnecessary" bills. Where's her fiance in all this? He gets a say doesn't he if he's contributing his wage?

I think you've overstepped the mark and mil is quite rightly telling you to back off. I've no doubt you mean well but they are adults and your mil has consented to helping her daughter

I’m afraid I agree with the majority, this isn’t really your concern given your MIL is resisting advice to stop with the lending (giving, in reality). I know how frustrating it is, my uncle is comfortable financially with reasonable savings yet my grandmother, a pensioner with no savings, gives him money often, that she can’t practically afford. You can’t tell them how to live their lives tho.

I do also think it’s a huge overstep to comb through SILs bank statements, unless she specifically asked for you help to skim her outgoings, but I can’t see that in your post. Apologises if I missed it.

@Soontobe60

Unless there’s something you’ve not told us, such as your MIL has been diagnosed with dementia or has a brain injury that has affected her cognitive functions, then your DH has no right to take over her financial affairs. This is just as much financial abuse as is her daughter rinsing her for money. How on earth did you think it was acceptable to scrutinise your SILs bank statements???

This. Actually shocked at what I read.

Like others have said unless MIL doesn't have capacity, it's up to her how she spends her money.

What is DH to be firm about? Does he plan to check SIL's account every week and if she's not being frugal enough, he'll do what exactly?

I’d stay out of it, in the long term you’ll be hated for this.

I had a similar situation. My aunt and I both had POA for my elderly Grandad. We were both on it for convenience so we could both help out.
I had just newly had a baby and my mum had died so I took a back seat for a few months. I trusted my aunt.
I shouldn't have. She had her dad, my Grandad paying for tv subscriptions, giving her children money, paying for her mobile phone. In 3 months she had spent £5k at least.
I came to check the deals on his energy suppliers. I discovered all these new extra outgoings.
He had been happy to help her out but I do t think he realised how much she had been taking. I also think he was embarrassed that he hadn't noticed. However, none of us were really paying attention in the aftermath of losing my mum.
He died a few months later and there was barely money to cover his funeral.
It was awful. I still find it hard to believe and understand what she did.
If your MIL is capable of dealing with her own affairs, I'm not sure your Dh and you can do much more than lay out the facts. She needs to see and accept that her daughter is milking her dry. You can offer support but orherwise you have to step back even though it is all wrong.