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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop family visiting weekly because of my daughter’s autism?

54 replies

SENmummy73848 · 17/10/2021 17:27

My DD has autism and because of her attending school now, family tend to visit on the weekends pretty much every week.

It’s mainly older grandparents, and it is the highlight of their week seeing DD, and my mum and siblings that come over.

DD does enjoy seeing them but it is a big sensory overload for her (it’s normally a set of grandparents one day, and then my mum and sibling the next day) especially because she can’t tolerate noises, so she spends most of the day screaming when they are here.

I know that it is a trigger for her, sensory wise, because when it’s just us 2 at home she’s mostly fine and has a lot less screaming fits.

It’s literally becoming so draining, but I feel awful considering it because I know it’s the only thing my older grandparents look forward to every week and who knows how many visits we realistically have left with any of them…

But WIBU to limit visits to fortnightly instead?

DD gets overwhelmed, the constant screaming stresses me out and causes me to snap out at DD (which I already feel awful for because I know it’s not her fault but it’s stressful at times for one person to deal with) and the experience is just becoming a horrible one every time family visit…

OP posts:
Embracelife · 17/10/2021 17:41

Try using visual calendars to prepare her
If she knows they coming might make it easier
Can she have a,space to herself when they come?

BananaPB · 17/10/2021 17:42

How long are the visits? Would shorter visits help?

BananaPB · 17/10/2021 17:43

If she's at school Monday to Friday and has stressful grandparents visits on the next 2 days then I don't think Yabu because she deserves downtime too.

Original poster
SENmummy73848 · 17/10/2021 17:46

The visits are literally nearly all day - from around 10am until 4/5pm - and yeah we literally don’t get any down time at all - 40 hours a week in school (including travel time) and then weekends full up with people visiting x

OP posts:
Tal45 · 17/10/2021 17:46

How old is she? Can she escape to her room or does she want to be with you? What about noise cancelling head phones would they help? Coming to visit every week is quite a lot so if it's going to be better cutting it down to fortnightly that's definitely not unreasonable. Or perhaps your mum could come fortnightly at least - or maybe at the same time as grandparents (although maybe that would be even more overwhelming for her). If the noise is triggering could you ask everyone to talk very quietly, don't know if that would help at all.

Tal45 · 17/10/2021 17:48

@SENmummy73848

The visits are literally nearly all day - from around 10am until 4/5pm - and yeah we literally don’t get any down time at all - 40 hours a week in school (including travel time) and then weekends full up with people visiting x
Wow that is a lot, definitely not unreasonable to cut that right down. If she's 'best' in the morning when less tired then perhaps suggest mornings and then you can chill in the afternoon.
tiredanddangerous · 17/10/2021 17:48

Yanbu. I'd go further and cut it to once a month, and not all day. I have an autistic dd and she needs a lot of downtime at the weekends to recover from a week at school.

AuntieMarys · 17/10/2021 17:48

I'd do fortnightly. Too much stress

Concestor · 17/10/2021 17:48

I'm autistic. They need to visit less and for less time. She needs space to recalibrate after the week, if you keep forcing visits on her so she has no days off she will burn out. Please put her first.

TumtumTree · 17/10/2021 17:49

YANBU - you need to consider your DD (and yourself) here.

Original poster
SENmummy73848 · 17/10/2021 17:49

@Tal45

How old is she? Can she escape to her room or does she want to be with you? What about noise cancelling head phones would they help? Coming to visit every week is quite a lot so if it's going to be better cutting it down to fortnightly that's definitely not unreasonable. Or perhaps your mum could come fortnightly at least - or maybe at the same time as grandparents (although maybe that would be even more overwhelming for her). If the noise is triggering could you ask everyone to talk very quietly, don't know if that would help at all.
She is nearly 6 and prefers to be in the same room as me, we’ve tried headphones but she doesn’t tolerate them very well. They used to visit all together but it was way too overwhelming so that’s why we do separate visits now, and it’s not the talking as much - it’s more other noises - sneezing, coughing, even if someone slightly clears their throat - that she can’t cope with, but I think because it’s such a small space we have, she finds it overwhelming even with a couple of people over - the lack of downtime which someone has just mentioned could be playing into it though, and not something I’ve necessarily thought about x
OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 17/10/2021 17:53

Try ear defenders not headphones?

Will she tolerate background noise? Ds hates people noise but with the TV on he doesn't react to it as much

What about an outdoor visit somewhere? Instead of being crammed in a house go to a forest or something?

BananaPB · 17/10/2021 17:53

@SENmummy73848

The visits are literally nearly all day - from around 10am until 4/5pm - and yeah we literally don’t get any down time at all - 40 hours a week in school (including travel time) and then weekends full up with people visiting x
I see why she finds them hard. NT adults would find it hard to spend every Saturday and Sunday with their parents and ILs. If they live far away so a short visit isn't possible then maybe have her join the group for some of the visit but allow her to go somewhere quiet like another room for other stretches. I know the grandparents want to see her but it would mean more quality time if her needs were taken into account.
BingBongToTheMoon · 17/10/2021 17:53

When do get time to take her out and experience things?
I understand with autism that could be difficult, but to the park or suchlike.

Original poster
SENmummy73848 · 17/10/2021 17:53

@zurala

I'm autistic. They need to visit less and for less time. She needs space to recalibrate after the week, if you keep forcing visits on her so she has no days off she will burn out. Please put her first.
To be honest I thought I was doing the right thing by her because she is usually so excited to see them and really idolises them - the visit usually starts out okay but after a little while (I’d say maybe an hour or so) she can’t cope - so obviously I know now that has to change.

I just feel so sorry for her because she absolutely loves her family but she really struggles to cope being around them, and you can see she is getting overwhelmed because she is excited but equally as triggered if that makes sense x

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 17/10/2021 17:55

@SENmummy73848

The visits are literally nearly all day - from around 10am until 4/5pm - and yeah we literally don’t get any down time at all - 40 hours a week in school (including travel time) and then weekends full up with people visiting x
That would be too much for most people!!

My ds is also autistic.

My suggestion would be

1 evening visit - meet somewhere outdoors for an hour.

Weekend visits are just 2 hours. Straight after lunch so she isnt hungry.

1 weekend visit that extended to include a meal.

1 weekend day meeting outdoors somewhere.

You can either just do those 4 (1 thing per week). Or pick 2 things per week.

Alternate who attends what sort of visit.

Better still - visit them!!! Then you can leave when it gets too much rather than having to try and kick people out Grin

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 17/10/2021 17:55

I'd say once a month and for half the time.

What is the point of them sitting in your house every weekend all day listening to your poor daughter in meltdown?

It is cruel. She needs this to stop.

Doomscrolling · 17/10/2021 17:56

Keep the visits to under 2 hours and fortnightly. Where possible meet somewhere she has space like a park.

She can’t return to school rested and ready to learn if her weekend exhaust her.

BananaPB · 17/10/2021 17:56

Maybe arrive a little later in the morning and leave after a lunch is a better compromise if she's at her best then ? As she gets older you could try making the visits longer

Blueeyedgirl21 · 17/10/2021 17:57

Could you not just do a quick run out to the park with a flask of tea with them then come home without them? I don’t get what they get from spending literally all day just sat in your house with her. Is she expected to stay in the same room as them? What about hobbies, days out etc?

Zeev · 17/10/2021 17:57

YANBU, she needs more downtime.

BananaPB · 17/10/2021 17:58

To be honest I thought I was doing the right thing by her because she is usually so excited to see them and really idolises them

It's much easier for us to see the bigger picture because we're not living your life. Of course you were doing what you thought best Thanks

mumwon · 17/10/2021 17:59

Can you take her to them?
That way you are in control of the timing
or as pp said outside meeting up somewhere - even if its an outside coffee shop or a National Trust place which is quieter?

Original poster
SENmummy73848 · 17/10/2021 18:00

@Blueeyedgirl21

Could you not just do a quick run out to the park with a flask of tea with them then come home without them? I don’t get what they get from spending literally all day just sat in your house with her. Is she expected to stay in the same room as them? What about hobbies, days out etc?
With my mum and siblings it’s more days out which works better, it’s mainly my own grandparents, they are older and have mobility problems so can’t go out and do things as much x
OP posts:
EdgeOfTheSky · 17/10/2021 18:04

@SENmummy73848

The visits are literally nearly all day - from around 10am until 4/5pm - and yeah we literally don’t get any down time at all - 40 hours a week in school (including travel time) and then weekends full up with people visiting x
That’s mad!

I wouldn’t be able to stand that even without the screaming!

Limit visits to an hour.

And can the relatives be encouraged to behave in a way that causes less overload?

How do they enjoy it if your poor Dd screams all the time?

Surely this can’t be good for your Dd? To be so stressed?

Put a stop to it.