To stop family visiting weekly because of my daughter’s autism?

[SENmummy73848]

My DD has autism and because of her attending school now, family tend to visit on the weekends pretty much every week.

It’s mainly older grandparents, and it is the highlight of their week seeing DD, and my mum and siblings that come over.

DD does enjoy seeing them but it is a big sensory overload for her (it’s normally a set of grandparents one day, and then my mum and sibling the next day) especially because she can’t tolerate noises, so she spends most of the day screaming when they are here.

I know that it is a trigger for her, sensory wise, because when it’s just us 2 at home she’s mostly fine and has a lot less screaming fits.

It’s literally becoming so draining, but I feel awful considering it because I know it’s the only thing my older grandparents look forward to every week and who knows how many visits we realistically have left with any of them…

But WIBU to limit visits to fortnightly instead?

DD gets overwhelmed, the constant screaming stresses me out and causes me to snap out at DD (which I already feel awful for because I know it’s not her fault but it’s stressful at times for one person to deal with) and the experience is just becoming a horrible one every time family visit…

Agree with others maybe every other week for a shorter visit - 10am til 4pm is a full on day for anyone entertaining.

Would it be possible for you and DD to visit them meantime? It would allow you some control when DD feels overwhelmed.

Go out - lunch or park for a walk. Leave when she is getting tired. If out is difficult for the relatives then go to their house so you can leave when dd needs to. Gives her back her space and a bit of control over her own need for downtime.

Every weekend for all day is too much for most btw, what do you talk about for all of that time? When do you catch up on the weekend errands or fun stuff? Perhaps everyone needs to get some weekend hobbies/activities

If she can cope with an hour before she starts screaming etc, then limit visits to an hour.

Then she sees the people she loves without getting the upset and stress.

Totally agree with cutting back and giving her time to decompress from a week at school. She needs to be able to control her environment to reduce anxiety.

Good lord I don’t know how you cope with that, never mind your daughter. They expect you to host them for a whole day every weekend? Limiting that quite dramatically would not be unreasonable at all, and tbh I’d be expecting some meet ups where they host or you. Even if they are elderly, can’t you go round to their house for an hour or two?

I'd stop the visits to your house full stop. Visit them at their house so you can leave when she needs to. Cut them back to once a month or fortnightly.

Her home is her safe space. The visits need to stop as you can't cut them short with elderly people without a lot of aggro.

Tbf I felt stressed just reading that and I'm an adult. We all need downtime, not just little bairns with autism thrown in to boot.

My dd is autistic and gets excited to see family but like your dd its overwhelming and overloading. Its almost like she gets over excited at them coming then is burnt out by the time they get here.

I'm also neurodiverse and this would be really exhausting for me.

There seems to be no downtime for dd. When does she just get to sit in front of the TV or chill in her pj's. Does she not get days out or do any hobbies?

I get people want to see you both but its detrimental to her. Its purely for their benefit not hers.

Even changing it to every fortnight is alot if they come all day both days.

Once a month is more than enough and shorter visits say 2 to 3 hours.

So she has zero respite even at weekends? I think that’s really unfair on her. I’d cut visits to one hour as she seems to tolerate that then starts having a meltdown. When do you get anything done?!

We are autistic ,we would never cope with that ,a visitor to the house feels like an invasion and a threat ,even though we know the person.
I have to mentally prepare before anyone comes ,I absolutely would not cope with that
Also don’t you want to do other things at the weekend ,they are really invading your space.

I have found with my DD that we have to limit time with people as she gets too overwhelmed..

We generally only see people during school holidays as otherwise she is too tired after a week at school, Saturdays are quite fraught sometimes.

We also do not have many people to our house as it is her safe place and she does not like people coming here, so we get to control the situation by visiting them and too bad if they are upset if we have to leave as I will not have my DD distressed.

We also have to stick to a routine, my DD is very routine led.

Is your DD in a special school as you could talk to them and ask them about doing a social story., these have helped my DD greatly when we have had to do things out of her routine.

I think if you gain back control of the situation it will be a much more relaxing time for everyone, don't feel guilty you are just doing what is best for yourself and your DD.

Also is your DD allowed a tablet/phone to play with as distraction may help and you could put it onto the camera and get her to take photos or even on the Cbeebies games, or just leave the TV on for her.

Good luck, it is hard trying to keep everyone happy, but you do need to cut down the time/visits.

I think her needs need to come first. If she struggles after an hour then that's how long the visits should be. I'd do one am and one pm then at least she has one day off to decompress.
When my dd struggled you'd find her in a wardrobe with a snuggly.
Tell them she's struggling atm so this is what we're trying for now.
It's up to you if you want to add in every other week too.

@SENmummy73848

The visits are literally nearly all day - from around 10am until 4/5pm - and yeah we literally don’t get any down time at all - 40 hours a week in school (including travel time) and then weekends full up with people visiting x

I'd hate this routine and I don't have autism. Too busy, nowhere near enough down time.

I think you need to do what's best for her and limit visits to one hour. I know it might be hard for relatives but actually your daughter is the priority, not them.

Definitely limit the length of visits and don't have them every weekend. It's just too much. Surrey a couple of hours once a month is enough? I see my parents about four times a year.

You have visitors all day both days at weekends? I would not be able for that myself. Where is anybody's down time? I would completely limit the visits and for 1-2 hours max. A seven hour visit both days at the weekend is utter madness. And every week? Your poor DD must be so stressed and upset. Are these your GPs so quite elderly? I would visit them instead and visit for half an hour to an hour max, that's more than enough. Once every 2 weeks or once a month. What would suit your DD best? You need to reduce the visits with your mum too if it's too much for DD too.

Child's needs come first pretty much always. If they love her they will be disappointed but understand.

@SENmummy73848

The visits are literally nearly all day - from around 10am until 4/5pm - and yeah we literally don’t get any down time at all - 40 hours a week in school (including travel time) and then weekends full up with people visiting x

That's a ridiculous amount of time to have family visiting every weekend!! Not just for your daughter, but for you – when do you get any down time??? Once a fortnight is more than enough and make sure you rota it so it's not the same weekend they all descend.

If she spends most of the time screaming then surely your relatives can see it's too much for her. They'd have to be pretty selfish to be anything other than completely understanding when you explain that to them.

The answer here is so obvious I'm not sure why it's not occurred to you before posting or you've not had a lightbulb moment reading these suggestions.

Poor child. Give her some downtime at home at the weekend to play quietly

7yo DS is similarly overwhelmed by visitors. We don’t tend to have too many for that reason, and when we do he is always allowed to retreat and shut his bedroom door when it gets too much.

Unfortunately, my DPs live 300miles away so when they come it’s for the weekend. They stay in a local hotel, and have been educated to understand his needs and when he needs taking for a jog round the park or whatever. Takes a lot to prepare him for this, and he certainly wouldn’t cope with every weekend being taken up this way. He needs down time after being in school all week, and it’s a lot of pressure on a child - even with close family there’s an expectation to behave a certain way, and almost perform for the family.

I’d be keeping visits much shorter and not every weekend. As DS has said, sometimes he just wants to be left alone to sit about in his pants all day. And who am I to argue?!

My autistic DD wouldn't cope with that at all. She needs days with no pressure to offset pressure elsewhere

I would cut down to monthly.

When on earth do you get to do the shopping, have any nice family time, go for haircuts or whatever if you have visits each day, all day of the weekends? That alone sounds undoable, even better considering any sensory issues.

@SENmummy73848

The visits are literally nearly all day - from around 10am until 4/5pm - and yeah we literally don’t get any down time at all - 40 hours a week in school (including travel time) and then weekends full up with people visiting x

That would be too much for any child. When does she get to out and visit places even just run around a park?

'NT adults would find it hard to spend every Saturday and Sunday with their parents and ILs. '

This! It sounds way way too much for anyone, let alone a young autistic child. I would seriously cut down.

Cross-posted with pp!