How to handle this situation with friend

[Newuser82]

So I’m hoping to get some other opinions on this. I have a friend who I’ve known for a few years. We were (I thought) fairly close. Things weren’t easy during lockdown as I have young children and my husband works crazy hours so it wasn’t always as easy to call as I’d have liked but we kept in touch via text. I began to feel like it was me always initiating contact and I didn’t always feel she was interested in what I had to say.

My father has recently passed away. I told her the day it happened, she answered with I’m sorry to hear that then I heard nothing at all from her for three weeks. I answered to let her know things were hard and again she just pretty much said I’m sorry to hear that. Around 4 more weeks have now passed and she messaged to see if I wanted to meet up. She hasn’t ever asked how he died, how the funeral went or anything. I’m not sure I really want to meet up but I understand things are hard at the moment so I may not be seeing things properly. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks

It sounds like she’s not really into the friendship any more.
Or maybe she’s going to ask those questions when she sees you.
I’d maybe give it one more chance and meet up, then decide from that.

She doesn't care about you or value the friendship as much as you did.

Normally I would say a few weeks is fine not to hear, people have busy lives etc. But considering the circumstances YANBU. Sorry to hear about your dad

I agree, meet up and see if she has any compassion.

I wouldn’t be asking for details about a death. You might not want everyone asking. Her level of communication seems ok to me.

I would meet up somewhere for a coffee.
Don't offer the details first of your dad, see if she asks.
If you feel like the meeting is strained then you've come to the end of the road.

I'm Sorry for your loss

Tbh some people are really awkward with other people's bereavements and grief. It doesn't make it okay that she's showing no interest though. I think I would give her the benefit of the doubt and meet up, see if she shows a bit more compassion and also find out what's going on for her atm. Then go from there. I don't think YABU and prepare to be disappointed but at least you will know you've tried to give your friendship a last chance xx

I don't think conversations about death are something you have via text tbh. She probably wanted to give you some time to grieve.

I'd give her benefit of the doubt and meet up.

Thanks. No I don’t think all the conversations should be over text but I did expect her to ring or ask to meet up way sooner than this. And I would think it was usual to ask a close friend about what happened or about when the funeral was but maybe I’m wrong there. She met him so it’s not like he was a stranger to her .

I'd give the benefit of doubt.

It sounds like you guys maybe drifted apart a bit, so perhaps she felt she shouldn't asked.

I agree that it is hard to know what people need in a bereavement if you are only communicating via text. Phone calls feel intrusive these days ( shame, really).
She should have checked in more though.

She might have thought you wanted space. Or not to talk about it. Or she might not have known how to talk about it herself.

People's reactions to grief are so individual and second-guessing them can be awkward. That's all really. I wouldn't assume she doesn't care.

It’s understandable that you feel hurt that she was distant.

She maybe had something of her own going on.

Anyway, she pro actively asked to meet up with you.

So I would give it a go.

Some people don't understand what it's like to lose your dad. I'd meet up and see what she has to say.

Until you meet, you won't know whether she's been going through difficult times too. It's been a rough period of time for most people. If her support doesn't meet your expectations, either lower them or move on from the friendship. Said with kindness, not meaning to sound harsh/blunt. I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't think it means she isn't into the friendship. If she wasn't into the friendship, she wouldn't ask to meet up.

She is probably just busy, and doesn't think it's such a problem that you're speaking less as it sounds like you've been speaking less for a while because of your personal situation with kids and husband. So she maybe feels that this is the place your relationship is in for the time being - you're busy with your kids so you talk less, but you're still friends. Maybe she feels like things will return to normal when your kids are older. Maybe she doesn't mind talking less because some people are comfortable with less contact.

Her responses to your dad's death sound normal. Offering condolences is a usual response to death. It's very difficult to say more because it's SO easy to say or do the wrong thing. People often aren't comfortable and feel unsure of what else to do or say. I certainly would NOT be asking details of how my friend's relative passed away, that's for sure. That's the sort of information I'd wait to see if they brought up by themselves, in case they didn't want to talk about it. I'd personally be pretty shocked if a friend asked me that question, so again, everyone is different with regards to death, hence why a lot of people are uncomfortable and unsure of what to say when a friend is bereaved.

I'd suggest that you're feeling extra sensitive at the moment which is why you're upset about your friend. When something life shattering happens, it can seem like the biggest insult if we feel like someone else isn't taking it seriously enough or making it a big enough deal, but I really don't think your friend has done anything wrong. Skip the meet up, if you don't feel like going, but I'd go.

I think she wants to meet so she can start the cycle of you doing all the
running again.

If you do meet her, don’t go back to always being the one to initiate.

I will add, that if there are two friends: Friend A, with young kids and very busy husband, meaning she often is too busy to meet up/talk on the phone, and Friend B, who was free to meet up, then I would think it's very normal that Friend A initiates the contact. It doesn't mean that you're more invested in the friendship than she is, but it does mean that you're the one who is very busy! Why would she initiate the contact - it makes sense for you to initiate contact as and when you are free, rather than her initiate contact and be told you're too busy/can't speak right now, etc. In my experience this is normal. I have been both Friend A and Friend B.

Could it be that you're wanting the close support of a best friend/the sort of closeness you have with a friend before husband and kids (when your friends are your whole world) but you actually only have time for a more casual friendship, and so this is what she's learned to give you (not because she doesn't want to he friends but because you're often very busy?)

I'm not saying this to be judgey but because I've been in this position too. Sometimes I miss the closeness of a best friend, pre-family life, when your friends are there for everything, but actually when I thought about it I realised it was me who things had changed for and who was very busy now, and my friends had just adapted slightly because of my circumstances

Meet her.
I think there is an awful lot of reading between the lines here.
What I have learned is that people find death hard to deal with or broach. Don't let that become a barrier. Until I lost my Dad, I literally had no idea what it was like at all.

@Namechangedforthethousandthtim

I don't think it means she isn't into the friendship. If she wasn't into the friendship, she wouldn't ask to meet up.

She is probably just busy, and doesn't think it's such a problem that you're speaking less as it sounds like you've been speaking less for a while because of your personal situation with kids and husband. So she maybe feels that this is the place your relationship is in for the time being - you're busy with your kids so you talk less, but you're still friends. Maybe she feels like things will return to normal when your kids are older. Maybe she doesn't mind talking less because some people are comfortable with less contact.

Her responses to your dad's death sound normal. Offering condolences is a usual response to death. It's very difficult to say more because it's SO easy to say or do the wrong thing. People often aren't comfortable and feel unsure of what else to do or say. I certainly would NOT be asking details of how my friend's relative passed away, that's for sure. That's the sort of information I'd wait to see if they brought up by themselves, in case they didn't want to talk about it. I'd personally be pretty shocked if a friend asked me that question, so again, everyone is different with regards to death, hence why a lot of people are uncomfortable and unsure of what to say when a friend is bereaved.

I'd suggest that you're feeling extra sensitive at the moment which is why you're upset about your friend. When something life shattering happens, it can seem like the biggest insult if we feel like someone else isn't taking it seriously enough or making it a big enough deal, but I really don't think your friend has done anything wrong. Skip the meet up, if you don't feel like going, but I'd go.

Thanks for this l, I appreciate you response but I’m not sure it’s entirely accurate. Yes it was difficult to talk often on the phone during lockdown but I always kept in touch via text messages so it wasn’t like we weren’t in touch. We would also meet up for walks and things when permitted. It’s not just since my dads death that I’ve felt she was pulling away. If she had any problems at all I’d be straight on the phone seeing if I could help at all or just to listen. This hasn’t been reciprocated for a long time. In face the last time I met up with her she told me a long list of everything she had planned to do with other friends and when I asked when she was free to meet she said she wasn’t really and couldn’t get away quick enough so it’s not just a case of that she hasn’t been supportive about this if that makes sense. To me it is strange not to ask a friend when the funeral is but then I’d want to send best wishes, a card or donation or something but I do appreciate that everyone is different.

You've barely seen your friend. It sounds like you're expecting something that she has not realised - she's offered condolences and asked after you. Most people wouldn't then be intrusive or insensitive to ask how it happened, they'd let you talk if you chose to and listen. Everyone reacts different in grief. I hated people poking at my grief, I wanted my friends to let me be normal and have a distraction around them. And that was before lockdown

It's all very different in lockdown as you barely see each other. When you meet up you may find she's far more the friend you remember. Please don't make any swift judgements about your friend

I’m surprised by all of the posts. I had the same thing happen to me. I was a teen. No one contacted me. Not one parent thought to push their teen to check up on me. It was so incredibly hurtful and this is how self absorbed a lot of people really are.

Whichever way you look at it, this is all about her. Her not understanding. Her not contacting you. Her not being good at dealing with death. I don’t believe the her giving you space to come to terms with your grief.

By all means if you are strong enough and wish to give her the benefit of doubt, you could meet her one last. However, from my experience of everyone, who knew about my dad’s death, no one said anything to me about it. Ever. So please, be prepared. It hurts.

@Mummyoflittledragon

I’m surprised by all of the posts. I had the same thing happen to me. I was a teen. No one contacted me. Not one parent thought to push their teen to check up on me. It was so incredibly hurtful and this is how self absorbed a lot of people really are.

Whichever way you look at it, this is all about her. Her not understanding. Her not contacting you. Her not being good at dealing with death. I don’t believe the her giving you space to come to terms with your grief.

By all means if you are strong enough and wish to give her the benefit of doubt, you could meet her one last. However, from my experience of everyone, who knew about my dad’s death, no one said anything to me about it. Ever. So please, be prepared. It hurts.

That’s so sad especially when you were so young. Yes it’s just so far away from what I expect of a friend and with her recent stand offfish behaviour I’m just not sure that the friendship is dead in the water.

Even if you have drifted a part she seems pretty emotionless in her response to you losing your dad. I I understand why your upset. Losing a parent Is a big deal.

Even if it were an Acquaintance Of mine that had lost a parent I would show compassion and offer help.

But the fact she has reached out to meet up shows she may care, give her another chance , it seems as though she assumed you needed space.

Be open, and if she asks let her know how the death of your dad has affected you,

I am truly sorry for your loss x

@Forumqueen

Even if you have drifted a part she seems pretty emotionless in her response to you losing your dad. I I understand why your upset. Losing a parent Is a big deal.

Even if it were an Acquaintance Of mine that had lost a parent I would show compassion and offer help.

But the fact she has reached out to meet up shows she may care, give her another chance , it seems as though she assumed you needed space.

Be open, and if she asks let her know how the death of your dad has affected you,

I am truly sorry for your loss x

Thank you that’s very kind x

@Mummyoflittledragon

I’m surprised by all of the posts. I had the same thing happen to me. I was a teen. No one contacted me. Not one parent thought to push their teen to check up on me. It was so incredibly hurtful and this is how self absorbed a lot of people really are.

Whichever way you look at it, this is all about her. Her not understanding. Her not contacting you. Her not being good at dealing with death. I don’t believe the her giving you space to come to terms with your grief.

By all means if you are strong enough and wish to give her the benefit of doubt, you could meet her one last. However, from my experience of everyone, who knew about my dad’s death, no one said anything to me about it. Ever. So please, be prepared. It hurts.

I don't think this is fair. Many introverts, myself included, prefer to be left to our own devices during difficult times. Everyone and their dog suddenly feeling some moral obligation to talk to me would only have made things much harder for me. As a teenager, my friends parents prodding their reluctant offspring to prod me about my emotional well-being would have been my worst nightmare. If I want to talk to a friend, I call them up and talk to them. If I don't do that, it means I don't want to talk with them right now. A friend who persist in believing that I really secretly want to talk about my innermost feelings despite all indications to the contrary wouldn't be much of a friend.

She's said what's appropriate to OP, and OP hasn't reached out to her. Asking for information about how he died would be considered rude and intrusive by most people. The friend is most likely treating OP the way she herself would want to be treated in that situation. That doesn't mean OP can't be upset about it, but it's wrong to assume that everyone who doesn't want all the same things you want must be some kind of monster.

@SheWoreYellow

I wouldn’t be asking for details about a death. You might not want everyone asking. Her level of communication seems ok to me.

I agree with this. Many people wouldn't ask that as it could seem intrusive.

As for asking about the funeral etc, I think people who haven't experienced a loss themselves simply don't know what to say. Could it be this?