How to handle this situation with friend

[Newuser82]

So I’m hoping to get some other opinions on this. I have a friend who I’ve known for a few years. We were (I thought) fairly close. Things weren’t easy during lockdown as I have young children and my husband works crazy hours so it wasn’t always as easy to call as I’d have liked but we kept in touch via text. I began to feel like it was me always initiating contact and I didn’t always feel she was interested in what I had to say.

My father has recently passed away. I told her the day it happened, she answered with I’m sorry to hear that then I heard nothing at all from her for three weeks. I answered to let her know things were hard and again she just pretty much said I’m sorry to hear that. Around 4 more weeks have now passed and she messaged to see if I wanted to meet up. She hasn’t ever asked how he died, how the funeral went or anything. I’m not sure I really want to meet up but I understand things are hard at the moment so I may not be seeing things properly. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks

I mean it may be that she didn’t know what to say but knowing her I’d be surprised. However it’s a different viewpoint to consider thanks x

In face the last time I met up with her she told me a long list of everything she had planned to do with other friends and when I asked when she was free to meet she said she wasn’t really and couldn’t get away quick enough so it’s not just a case of that she hasn’t been supportive about this if that makes sense.

Then it’s fine to draw a line under this relationship, if that’s better for you. You don’t have to feel guilty.

I’d go for a meet-up but have low expectations, then decide how close you feel after that.

I’d meet up and see what she’s like. But it could be that she’s had her own stuff going on and not wanted to put it on you while you are grieving. Maybe she’s just not had it in her to support your grief for whatever reason. I’m not saying that’s ok, but meeting her in person may answer your questions about the friendship either way.

So many apologists for crap friendship on this thread. At the very least she could have sent you a card. She could have said call me when you feel ready. Don’t let your experience of having zero interest or support offered be normalised by pp, OP. Many people do go silent in the face of bereavement. That doesn’t mean it’s OK, it’s shit.

I lost my dad recently and to be honest, very few people I considered to be friends were there for me. I think when something like this happens, it really shows you who your real friends are. I hate the excuse of they don’t know what to say. You don’t really need to say anything, just be there. I’m sorry for your loss, give her one last chance but if the conversation is all about her, walk away

@SparklingLime

So many apologists for crap friendship on this thread. At the very least she could have sent you a card. She could have said call me when you feel ready. Don’t let your experience of having zero interest or support offered be normalised by pp, OP. Many people do go silent in the face of bereavement. That doesn’t mean it’s OK, it’s shit.

Thanks, that’s exactly how I feel but I do appreciate the other viewpoints.

@Vladi10

I lost my dad recently and to be honest, very few people I considered to be friends were there for me. I think when something like this happens, it really shows you who your real friends are. I hate the excuse of they don’t know what to say. You don’t really need to say anything, just be there. I’m sorry for your loss, give her one last chance but if the conversation is all about her, walk away

Thanks. I’m sorry about your dad x

I'm in a similar situation OP and it's tough.

My friend has always been flakey, would message you say that she's on her way around, and never turn up that type of thing.

I messaged her last on the 12th Sept, it's always me who messages first - to say that I wasn't doing too good. Dd 2 had been in hospital, Ds had been ill. My dad is under going health concerns, my gran is in end of life care. Still waiting to see if my work contract is going to be made permanent, basically I was in a rubbish place and finding things hard.

She read the message and I'm still waiting for a reply over a month later. We've been friends for over 20 years. I guess some friendships just run out.

I’m gobsmacked that anyone thinks this is appropriate behaviour on your friend’s part. Extrovert or not, British or not. If you live far away you call, offer to be there and send flowers/a card. If you live nearby, you do more. Whatever little thing you can, even if it’s just to take the kids out so your friend has a moment to grieve.

Anything else is just plain rude. End of.

Of course death situations are awkward and horrible and messy. Being a grownup is about knowing that, and still getting on with the bit that involves showing love and empathy to your friend.

I suppose I’d accept her meetup idea and sit back a bit, waiting to see if she brings up the topic of your (still raw) grief, and tries to make you feel better in some way? Or if she puts effort into the meetup as her limp way of saying she cares? Just in case there’s something to salvage?

Though inside I’d be tempted to respond to her ‘I’d like to meetup?’ with a dour ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’ text.

Sorry for your loss, and all the admin that goes with it. It’s a shitty time.

Sorry, I’d missed one of your posts - this person doesn’t sound like a good friend anyway, so perhaps this isn’t such a surprise. If she had lots of social plans but “couldn’t get away fast enough” when you suggested meeting, then surely you have your answer about the friendship as a whole? Are you still hoping for friendship where there is none? She is for sure getting back in touch when it suits her, and not in response to your situation.

It depends what the situation was before the death of your father.

I know that I went of talking to my best friend of 30 years because every time I spoke to her it was always a negative conversation about her marriage or work (10 years she was saying the same) So when lockdown happened and I was myself struggling with the kids and marriage issues and needed a bit of support the conversation always got pulled round to her struggling with work/on the verge of a nervous breakdown ect..so I avoided speaking to her or didn't engage when she text me because I couldn't give any one support when I was running on an empty tank myself.

In the end I told her how I was feeling and she apologised and said she didn't realise what she was doing but I went through a really dark time of my life with out support off some one I considered a sister because she was too focused on her marriage/her work/her mental health - in which I had supported her in over ten years and tbh I dont think we will ever be the same again.

What was you talking about when you said she wasn't interested in what you had to say? Maybe she had just got fed up of listening to it with out getting anything back? Maybe when your father died she just couldn't be a crutch anymore.

She has reached out to you. if you want the friendship to continue go and keep the conversation light and fun and see if you can get on track

@Southernbellenot

It depends what the situation was before the death of your father.

I know that I went of talking to my best friend of 30 years because every time I spoke to her it was always a negative conversation about her marriage or work (10 years she was saying the same) So when lockdown happened and I was myself struggling with the kids and marriage issues and needed a bit of support the conversation always got pulled round to her struggling with work/on the verge of a nervous breakdown ect..so I avoided speaking to her or didn't engage when she text me because I couldn't give any one support when I was running on an empty tank myself.

In the end I told her how I was feeling and she apologised and said she didn't realise what she was doing but I went through a really dark time of my life with out support off some one I considered a sister because she was too focused on her marriage/her work/her mental health - in which I had supported her in over ten years and tbh I dont think we will ever be the same again.

What was you talking about when you said she wasn't interested in what you had to say? Maybe she had just got fed up of listening to it with out getting anything back? Maybe when your father died she just couldn't be a crutch anymore.

She has reached out to you. if you want the friendship to continue go and keep the conversation light and fun and see if you can get on track

She wasn’t really interested in anything I had to say to be honest. I’d supported her through relationship difficulties, work difficulties and problems with her child but I literally mentioned one issue I had with my son at school and she just said oh that’s strange. If anything it was her with the problems not me.

I would meet one more time to see if the friendship still has legs but I would try and be sure that you don't bring your fizzing resentment to the meeting mainly as:

Perhaps her mental health was impacted by the pandemic, eg lots of single people suffered , we were all in the same storm but not the same boat.

People find it hard to know what to do when someone is bereaved, often people don't want to bother you and it is hard to say the right things in a text message.

Maybe she is just naff at communicating via text.

Go along with an open mind, if the friendship spark is still there then decide if you need to bring up the communication issue or let it go and carry on with the friendship.

If the friendship is gone you can choose to just let it drift off or tell her why you are ending the friendship.

But I would meet as i think you would understand more from a face to face meeting.

Someone in early bereavement should “keep the conversation light and fun”. Jesus!

Different people grieve in different ways.
When I had a death that was close to me all I wanted was to be left alone.
Someone asking how/why they died would have upset me far more, (I never would-recently a friend lost a relative to suicide and they really didn't want to tell people that) and I felt guilty that people's well meaning condolances and invitations out just irritated me.
So I'd probably do similar to your friend to give you space. It doesn't mean she doesn't value the friendship, simply that she is more like me and wants space, and has assumed you do too.

Its you who has set the level of friendship here though, by your own admission you haven't been available much, understandably because of kids and work during lockdown, but to her that means you've pulled your friendship away. I am that friend, whose friends with kids have all pulled away during lockdown and I've had to find friendship elsewhere.
Then also, if someone told me by text that they had suffered a bereavement I would take it that they didn't want a call, only a text reply - I would match the communication method the friend had used. And I would never ask for details of a death that hadn't been offered, that's too personal.
If you care about your friend and value the friendship then meet up (which she has initiated) and see how it goes in person. Otherwise, let it go. I am so sorry about your father though 💚

Great post @MadameMonk.
I agree.
If a friend - very close or not, has a bereavement you reach out and are there for them.
Otherwise you are an acquaintance or stranger.
I would meet up and see what she says / what she is like towards you.
She might arrive with flowers and a sympathy card for you. 🤞

I think you should trust your instincts on this OP. From what you've described, she doesn't sound like a good friend to me.

My father has recently passed away. I told her the day it happened, she answered with I’m sorry to hear that then I heard nothing at all from her for three weeks.

If you were my close friend, I'd would have, at the absolute minimum, have asked you if you were ok and told you that if there was anything at all I could do to help, please just ask.

So, yes, meet up with her, but like pps have said, have low expectations and if she only talks about herself, you have your answer, she is not a close friend.

People often have no understanding of how incredibly hard it is to lose a parent until it happens to them. When we lost a parent one friend literally said ah Hun you'll be fine and moved on to talking about her latest issue.

@PurpleOkapi

You are massively projecting. And your post is really unkind.

I am not talking about parents prodding their children to look after my emotional well-being. I am saying no one talked to me about it. No one contacted me to say hi, shall we hang out let alone ‘sorry for your loss’. It happened in the middle of exams. Most kids knew even though it was an incredibly short illness. I get they were busy studying then partying. I was doing neither as I was confused and grieving and not one person contacted me. Ever. No cards. No calls. Nothing. Tumble weed.

Are you saying this is acceptable behaviour from a 15/16 yo child to a friend, a friend, they’ve drifted apart from or just a kid they went to school with?!

@Newuser82
Thanks for your well wishes. It was hard and I had no care or support from anywhere. Family included. I didn’t mean one last time ever. I meant one last time to see if you want to continue the friendship. But I agree with the posts from people you’ve quoted saying there are too many apologists.

One of the marks of a decent person, @MargaretThursday, is that they can comprehend that others react and feel differently to themselves. They can experience empathy. To assume that others react and feel exactly the same as yourself, without even asking anything, is very insular.

@Mummyoflittledragon

I’m surprised by all of the posts. I had the same thing happen to me. I was a teen. No one contacted me. Not one parent thought to push their teen to check up on me. It was so incredibly hurtful and this is how self absorbed a lot of people really are.

Whichever way you look at it, this is all about her. Her not understanding. Her not contacting you. Her not being good at dealing with death. I don’t believe the her giving you space to come to terms with your grief.

By all means if you are strong enough and wish to give her the benefit of doubt, you could meet her one last. However, from my experience of everyone, who knew about my dad’s death, no one said anything to me about it. Ever. So please, be prepared. It hurts.

I’m so sorry this happened to you as a teen. I would give you a great big hug if you were telling me this in person. Yes people are just too self absorbed.

I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been, @Mummyoflittledragon. I’m so sorry.

Thank you @Cissyandflora that really means a lot.

Sorry @Newuser82 I really didn’t mean to make this about me. It happened a very long time ago.

I just read your post from 9.22, where she said she wasn’t ever interested in anything you had to say. It was all about her and her issues be it relationships, work or her child. She’s categorised you as her personal therapist, sorter outer and emotional dumping person. The ‘thats strange’ sounds as dismissive as ‘whatever’.

I would be very wary of meeting up with her tbh. I am now wondering if she thinks she’s left her personal therapist, sorter outer and emotional dumping person alone long enough to be fixed (ie get your grief) and now she can pile onto you again.

Please only meet her if you feel strong enough. I did meet friends some time after my dad’s death - through no choice (as per my previous posts). It is scary and very hard to meet with people like this.

Thanks sparkling.