How to handle this situation with friend

[Newuser82]

So I’m hoping to get some other opinions on this. I have a friend who I’ve known for a few years. We were (I thought) fairly close. Things weren’t easy during lockdown as I have young children and my husband works crazy hours so it wasn’t always as easy to call as I’d have liked but we kept in touch via text. I began to feel like it was me always initiating contact and I didn’t always feel she was interested in what I had to say.

My father has recently passed away. I told her the day it happened, she answered with I’m sorry to hear that then I heard nothing at all from her for three weeks. I answered to let her know things were hard and again she just pretty much said I’m sorry to hear that. Around 4 more weeks have now passed and she messaged to see if I wanted to meet up. She hasn’t ever asked how he died, how the funeral went or anything. I’m not sure I really want to meet up but I understand things are hard at the moment so I may not be seeing things properly. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks

@SheWoreYellow

I wouldn’t be asking for details about a death. You might not want everyone asking. Her level of communication seems ok to me.

This. Also her experience may be different. After my husband died I DID NOT want to talk about it. I will be forever grateful to my friend who used to chat gossip and the silly things her kids had done and never mention my husband unless I did.

now hang on....there's a bit of a drip feed going on here

I'd be feeling hurt in your situation too I think.
What does she bring to the friendship? Is it the kind of friend you need?
If not, let it go.

I think the “asking how he died” might be a bit of a red herring. Of course a blunt question may well not be welcomed, but if OP’s friend had called/written to show concern the it may have naturally been part of the conversation - that could have been up to OP. She wasn’t given the chance.

@Vladi10

I lost my dad recently and to be honest, very few people I considered to be friends were there for me. I think when something like this happens, it really shows you who your real friends are. I hate the excuse of they don’t know what to say. You don’t really need to say anything, just be there. I’m sorry for your loss, give her one last chance but if the conversation is all about her, walk away

Nah sorry that's utter bollocks. What even does "just be there" mean? It's perfectly understandable if someone hasn't been through a situation before and doesn't know how to act. Also, people frame themselves in situations like that - I was happy to have minimal interaction with people when my dad passed and as such I always consider that a possibility.

ah friendships....they're so hard! I imo there is so much involved: sharing common opinions/values/experiences, so it's it's kind of echo chamber, or proximity so you end up being friends just through circumstance, but there's always loyalty. It's easy to close the doors and judge each other for failing to do this and that, but in this instance she has reached out and if you chose to accept then it would be testament to your trust, strength and courage to give it another chance, if you think it's worth it.

Or let it drift, if you have plenty of other supportive fun friends and you dont 'need' her....

@godmum56

now hang on....there's a bit of a drip feed going on here

How so?

@MyOtherProfile I think the op's friend has not reciprocated in other ways too, not just this.

I think you should suit yourself.
She is all about herself from your posts so you shouldn't be surprised.

She is not a good friend, and you are finally realising it.

Meet her if you want, if she starts going on about herself, cut it short and leave.

I wouldn't be reaching out I would leave it to her 100%.

Focus on other friends and making new ones.

I'm very sorry for your loss.
It's a very lonely time.

@billy1966

I think you should suit yourself. She is all about herself from your posts so you shouldn't be surprised.

She is not a good friend, and you are finally realising it.

Meet her if you want, if she starts going on about herself, cut it short and leave.

I wouldn't be reaching out I would leave it to her 100%.

Focus on other friends and making new ones.

I'm very sorry for your loss.
It's a very lonely time.

Thank you x

I just read an article in one of the Sundays on friendship. apparently 70% of adult friendships only last 7 years. who knew.
sorry for your loss op it's a hard time I know.

@Stovetopespresso

I just read an article in one of the Sundays on friendship. apparently 70% of adult friendships only last 7 years. who knew. sorry for your loss op it's a hard time I know.

No way. That’s really sad. Thanks to everyone. I have messaged back to say I’d like to meet up. Hopefully will go well.

I wouldn't consider her a good friend if all she had to say was "sorry for your loss". If I'd heard this kind of news from my friend, I'd be immediately saying "Can I ring you", "do you want to talk" etc. Would definitely ask about his death, about your feelings and ways of coping and offer any (emotional or practical) support I could. Regardless of how busy I was. She sounds extremely cold and uncaring, as if she is talking to a distant acquaintance or a colleague. Maybe to her the friendship has just fizzled out? Or she is very self absorbed.

I'd be immediately saying "Can I ring you", "do you want to talk" etc. Would definitely ask about his death, about your feelings and ways of coping and offer any (emotional or practical) support I could.

People are different. Not everyone would want that.

The problem is that you might appreciate that-I wouldn't (and didn't). The only thing I might appreciate out of that lot would be offering practical support, and that I almost certainly would refuse too.

Asking me about the death and how I felt would absolutely drive me to looking to taking up a silent hermitage somewhere where I couldn't be reached.

To me that has the opposite effect to how you feel. People who said that sort of thing to me, it felt they were trying to make my loss about them, wanting all the details and piggybacking on my grief so they could be part of something they didn't belong.

We're all different.

However we don't know whether the friend was genuinely disinterested, or actually felt the best thing to do (possibly from their experience) was to give OP space. It's not necessarily wrong for them to think that way. Unfortunately it was wrong for the OP, but it's not necessarily helpful to tell her that definitely means the friend isn't interested and doesn't care about her.

People can be awkward around death. She doesn't seem too bothered about the friendship in general tho . Id let it drift if it was me. I lost my Dad at 19 & the friends I'd made at University who didn't know my home address asked my flatmate for it & sent cards to me at home. That was so thoughtful . As a friend I usually call or text, say I'm so sorry & is there anything I can do, however minor to help . I've looked after their children , gone with someone to the undertaker etc .

It won't do any harm to meet up for a coffee and see how it goes.

She might show a different attitude when she is with you and then you'll be glad you went. If she doesn't, well then you can reassess-you still have the option to move on.

I would have binned her off tbh. She's no friend? Nothing about how you are? The funeral? No card, flowers? She doesn't care and you don't need her.

I think she has been shit, or she thinks you're more acquaintances than friends.

'Sorry to hear that' is a bit of a bland platitude, I'd say that to someone who I didn't know that well orif someone had lost someone that they weren't close to themselves so I knew they weren't devastated. If you responded that you were finding things hard and she didnt even check in on you with a 'how are you getting on' after a week or two then I'd be thinking she wasnt supportive.

However saying that, it dowanf automatically mean I wouldbt want her in my life. I think there is space for lots of different types of friendships as long as you enjoy them and its equal (so you wouldnt be expected to drop everything to support her if something similar happened).

I have friendships where they have not supported me when I've been having a shit time, some I cooked but some I've just realised that I enjoy their company anyway even if we arent close, and I wouldnt be their first port of call if they needed support occasionally. So we go out to dinner occasionally or for drinks and have a catch up and a lovely time then I forget about them for a few months. If they were having a shit time I might help out if I was able to do so and it didnt inconvenience me but I wouldn't feel bad about not dropping everything. But i appreciate not everyone wants that type of friendship, if you are more all or nothing its probably not a solution

Ok, that’s good you’ve come to a decision. I hope she doesn’t disappoint you.

Thanks everyone. Yes it’s good to hear everyone’s opinion and very interesting to me to hear that some people just wouldn’t want to talk about it as I would (and have) always asked people how they were, sent flowers and a card. I genuinely thought that’s what everyone did but I’m finding out that that obviously isn’t the case. I have appreciated the support, cards, flowers that I have received so much. Everyday is a school day so they say!