Moment it went wrong

[Ann5324]

I can’t sleep as been doing a lot of soul searching lately and trying to figure out where part of my life went wrong!

Got no one in RL to talk to so please be kind.

Went through hell over last 8 years in terms of fertility treatments and I know I’m lucky that I am blessed with 2 kids whilst others I bet were not so lucky. I got really depressed after 2nd one and then felt immense guilt why I felt this way. I got help and things were looking up. I lost loads of weight. Over IVF treatments and pregnancy itself I put on a lot of weight.

Then I remember clearly going to local boutique/tailoring shop as I was getting fitted for a dress for my baby’s first birthday and sales assistant said “your tummy is huge”. That one comment caused me so much upset as I thought I looked good and considering how much weight I had lost I felt amazing but that one thoughtless comment to an already fragile person just broke me. My eldest was in nursery then and her friends mum was also working in the shop and heard everything. I didn’t want to cause a scene so just left and comfort eated all day. Plucked up the courage next day and rang up the shop and complained and the sales assistant was defensive and said it’s the truth. I know I should have let it go but I wrote a review on their website and got a horrible comment back from management. There was a lot of back and forth on the website and I felt embarrassed knowing that one of the workers goes to my child’s nursery so I must have looked like a pathetic loser.

2 months later lockdown happened and that caused more over eating. I’m sat here now and I am 2.3 stones heavier than I was on that day.

I feel lost and ashamed, I keep thinking what if I hadn’t gone into that particular store that day. What if I had just let the comment slide a d not get into an online war where I looked deranged and management looked like the sane put together ones from their replies to my review. I was already fragile and insensitive comment like that was awful.

Treat your condition with love. Look at Kat Shaw Artist on fb - she uses real women in her paintings.

Give yourself a lot of hugs. Treat yourself to healthy food and interesting activities. Don't blame yourself for the past - forgive yourself and let it go.

Any advice appreciated even if it’s to tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle thank you. Will take a look now

You poor thing. It is 5am and you are way overthinking things. I do this too.

A bit older than you probably and have done many things that make me cringe now. But there is no point in dwelling on them as the past can not be undone.

Rationally the people in the shop are not constantly thinking about it or talking about it. It was one of many incidents in the business.

And like things discussed here on MN , people might have an opinion either way. But it is only a fleeting thought for most.

Please don't let this upset you any more . It doesn't define you as a person and it is not the big issue that your self doubt is making you feel.

And incidentally, I agree with you on this. A shop assistant in a boutique should not have made such a personal negative remark . Stupid bitch and someone who does not matter to you. But the owner would have had to defend their staff publicly as the backlash could have been huge.Privately, she may have been severely reprimanded. And your action will mean that she might think twice before doing it again .

Hope you are OK

I’m so sorry for what that nasty woman said and I can totally see how it set you back . If I saw a review saying that and management coming back with anything other than an apology I would feel great sympathy with you and think very badly of them. I’m sure others would think the same.
I don’t know what your financial situation is like but could you look into getting some counselling?

she uses real women in her paintings.

I didn't know any women weren't real???

If you're not overweight you're not a real woman

Seriously OP let it go. There is more going on if you think one day is responsible for this.

I totally agree that the sales assistant was completely out of order and that if I saw someone complain about this and the management didn't apologise I wouldn't be using that shop!

It doesn't make you look like a pathetic loser.

The reason you think it does is because, underneath, you feel like a 'pathetic loser' and tell yourself that's what you are.

Where does that come from?

When did you start to tell yourself that you're not good enough?

@AliceinBorderland It's too early in the morning for a fight!
There's nothing to be gained by OP being unkind to herself.

[quote DoesHePlayTheFiddle]@AliceinBorderland It's too early in the morning for a fight!
There's nothing to be gained by OP being unkind to herself.[/quote]
I'm not starting a fight. Merely pointing out that implying that women who are overweight are real women is shocking & I'm tired of seeing that phrase used.

An 8 stone women isn't real then.

Agree with pp - no way would I ever shop in a place where a sales assistant had been so awful and there hadn't been a sincere apology.

You're not the pathetic loser here.

So sorry this happened to you. I totally get how one comment can throw you off course. But let it strengthen your boundaries and your courage - fat or thin, you will never be such an ugly person as that sales assistant. Take that as your starting point to encourage yourself xx

What the shop keeper said was awful and I think you were right to complain. Now start looking after yourself. Fertility treatment and PND change your life and can leave you feeling like a shell of who you were. But you can come out stronger and wiser. Time to let the old stuff go and focus on yourself and your kids. Wish you all the best. X

Thank you everyone for the kind words. Yes it makes sense they aren’t still thinking about me! It was just really awful the way management was basically calling me a liar and said they checked CCTV and I was smiling all way through my appointment and at no point did I look distressed.

@AliceinBorderland

she uses real women in her paintings.

I didn't know any women weren't real???

If you're not overweight you're not a real woman

Seriously OP let it go. There is more going on if you think one day is responsible for this.

Well, in the context of a painting the subjects aren't always real, no.

@Ann5324

Thank you everyone for the kind words. Yes it makes sense they aren’t still thinking about me! It was just really awful the way management was basically calling me a liar and said they checked CCTV and I was smiling all way through my appointment and at no point did I look distressed.

Did you tell them you have basic manners (unlike their staff) and held it together out of politeness?

The shop will be trying to protect its reputation so might bend the truth of what happened so as not to deter customers.

Don't allow one woman's words to determine how you live your life

Plucked up the courage next day and rang up the shop and complained and the sales assistant was defensive and said it’s the truth. I know I should have let it go but I wrote a review on their website and got a horrible comment back from management. There was a lot of back and forth on the website and I felt embarrassed knowing that one of the workers goes to my child’s nursery so I must have looked like a pathetic loser.

I don't think you're a "pathetic loser". I think you're brave to speak up about something bad that happened to you. You have the right to do that, and the shop have a right to defend themselves. I'd appreciate the warning if I were in your area - maybe it was an innocent comment about the best style of dress to fit your body, but it was insensitive and I think the shop management handled your criticism badly. Unfortunately, a lot of these discussions online do get rude and sometimes even abusive. You don't have to keep reading or engaging if it's upsetting you.

Try not to worry about the shop worker who goes to your child's nursery. She may agree or disagree with you, but probably needs the job and wants to keep the peace and can't speak up either way.

Try not to focus on that one incident, and what could have happened differently. I don't think you did anything wrong. If you are unhappy about your weight gain, focus on trying to lose weight, eat better, get back into shape. It is really hard after a pregnancy. It sounds like you know there's a pattern of eating to sooth or distract yourself from painful things.

You also say you were depressed after your second baby, which is not unusual. I'm not sure where you live so can't give detailed practical advice but can you get some kind of mental health help, diagnosis, counseling? It may be that both the overeating and the anxiety over the online discussion are related to the depression, or to anxiety or something else. If this is really interfering with your everyday life - counseling could help you learn ways to cope/put it aside/get on with living.

When miserable it's easy to fixate on past events.
That sound like idiots and who says that someone's stomach us huge?
We're those her exact words or did she say something like you're bigger around the middle so we'll taper this bit etc.
Not excusing her, just wondering if you were being sensitive and heard it in an even worse state.

Some people are just rude.
Thank your lucky stars you're not as horrible or sad as her who insults people to get kicks.

The shop was never going to agree that she was ok insulting you but equally people can't take critique if they're that rude. That's them.
It'll put people off going regardless of you thinking you sound rude and they sound like the sane ones.
I bet they don't sound good. What did they write back?
Oh we don't apologise because this customer was big around the middle.
I'd not go there. I'd think They were Arseholes

Whatever they said is irrelevant.

You know how you felt.

What I will say is though, I don’t think it was the moment it all went wrong and to keep thinking about it in this way is keeping you stuck.

Forgiveness is going to be one of the keys to help you unlock this situation and move forward.

No idea why auto correct has changed half my text, added apostrophes to were etc.
Amazing.
Love technology

Hey OP - kindness to you today.

I had a pattern of using food to literally eat my feelings or to use weight gain as protection or as punishment.

What has worked for me, is intensive therapy this year for 6 months. I know academically why I eat and what my triggers are, but until I undertook this process I had no means to control the behaviours. I know I have a history of depression, grief and some trauma, but one discovery was having high functioning anxiety.

Since Feb, I've lost 30kgs but more importantly, I've learnt new strategies to control the binge urges and I've really dug into and addressed reasons in my history for these behaviours. Since then, no more binges. I also have talked to a couple of very trusted family members and friends who are there to support me when I go through a low.

That was a dick move by the woman, there is no reason for anyone to comment on another persons body like that. Personally, I would let it go and focus your energy inwards.

A few years ago my hair was noticeably thinning so I went to a ‘well respected’ hairdresser and during my consultation (sadly after she’d washed it so I had to stay - I felt) I commented on the thinning hoping she might recommend a product or treatment or style, something anyway!

All she did was say ‘yes, yes it is really really thin isn’t it’ while running her fingers through it, then repeated several times while cutting it that she’d ‘never seen hair so thin’. Gee, thanks, that helped! Think she had her own issues tbh because she spent most of the appointment telling me how clients ‘usually just wanted’ her haircut cos it was so amazing on her… specially her fringe apparently. I didn’t want a fringe, I haven’t had one since I was seven. Looked fine on her but not for me.

She had no idea nearly 5 years later that comment would still hurt. Her absolute bemusement at my ‘terribly thin’ hair hurt so much.

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐 for you op.

I should add, I was under 40 at the time so it wasn’t thin like a very elderly person’s hair might be and it was huge for me to talk about.

Obviously I’ve never been back to that hairdresser!

Have you posted the first part of your post before? it sound very familiar. I have a binge eating disorder and am currently the largest i have ever been, its hard when food is a huge comfort. Do you have anyone you could go on a healthy eating journey with? i follow someone on instagram who makes calorie controlled boxes of her fave foods so when she feels a binge coming on she can eat this box but still stay within her cals, it seems to work pretty well.
I think its a good thing you stood up to her though what a nasty bully!

What if I had just let the comment slide a d not get into an online war where I looked deranged and management looked like the sane put together ones from their replies to my review.

I’ve had this happen, complaining and then writing a review and it not going well. It’s difficult when you feel wronged and want to express what happened to you but then a reply like that only makes it worse. This is why I no longer complain or leave reviews. I just take my money elsewhere. It’s just not worth the negative fall out that can happen for telling the truth.

Please don’t blame yourself. Customer service is very poor in this country and too many people with public facing jobs seem to think snide comments, half effort work, arguing, and talking to customers as if they were worthless is fine. I really don’t understand it. There are no tolerance signs for customer behaviour towards staff and I honestly think some staff could do with the same sign facing them.

As for now, you can’t change the past but you can be kind to yourself. You were upset and tried to remedy it. The shop treated you poorly and then even worse. It all built up and the stress and negative feels made you act in a way without thinking. This happens to everyone at some point in your life. It’s ok.

If you can, I recommend deleting your comments. If you can’t, ask the shop of they will. This will limit who sees it and help you relax a bit. Don’t apologise, just say you’d like them to be deleted. I’m sure the shop will agree.

I recommend writing an unsent letter to let go of all your feelings about what happened. Try and think about what you should have done so that next time you find yourself dwelling on what happened you can see it as learning point.

Remember, looking back on what happened and cringing means that you have moved forward and grown.

@AliceinBorderland

she uses real women in her paintings.

I didn't know any women weren't real???

If you're not overweight you're not a real woman

Seriously OP let it go. There is more going on if you think one day is responsible for this.

Did you even look at the artist's work? She paints women of all shapes and sizes. The OP who mentioned her clearly meant the work shows realistic but positive representations of women's bodies.