Moment it went wrong

[Ann5324]

I can’t sleep as been doing a lot of soul searching lately and trying to figure out where part of my life went wrong!

Got no one in RL to talk to so please be kind.

Went through hell over last 8 years in terms of fertility treatments and I know I’m lucky that I am blessed with 2 kids whilst others I bet were not so lucky. I got really depressed after 2nd one and then felt immense guilt why I felt this way. I got help and things were looking up. I lost loads of weight. Over IVF treatments and pregnancy itself I put on a lot of weight.

Then I remember clearly going to local boutique/tailoring shop as I was getting fitted for a dress for my baby’s first birthday and sales assistant said “your tummy is huge”. That one comment caused me so much upset as I thought I looked good and considering how much weight I had lost I felt amazing but that one thoughtless comment to an already fragile person just broke me. My eldest was in nursery then and her friends mum was also working in the shop and heard everything. I didn’t want to cause a scene so just left and comfort eated all day. Plucked up the courage next day and rang up the shop and complained and the sales assistant was defensive and said it’s the truth. I know I should have let it go but I wrote a review on their website and got a horrible comment back from management. There was a lot of back and forth on the website and I felt embarrassed knowing that one of the workers goes to my child’s nursery so I must have looked like a pathetic loser.

2 months later lockdown happened and that caused more over eating. I’m sat here now and I am 2.3 stones heavier than I was on that day.

I feel lost and ashamed, I keep thinking what if I hadn’t gone into that particular store that day. What if I had just let the comment slide a d not get into an online war where I looked deranged and management looked like the sane put together ones from their replies to my review. I was already fragile and insensitive comment like that was awful.

I am still triggered by an event that took place in 2017 and I'm normally hard.
I was offered a job but another manager had offered the job to someone else and we both arrived to start.
In my job I can get work easy so I wish they had been honest with me and I would have bowed out but basically they were worried I would sue and decided to treat me like shit so I would leave as the other candidate had an additional skill that made them more suitable.

I was abused so badly I left after only three days. It was the other candidate that overheard a conversation and realised what had gone on and told me after I had left that the abuse was deliberate so it was good of her to tell me but I still have PTSD from those three days of frank abuse and this is four years later.
YANBU OP. You feel the way you feel. Don't beat yourself up over your knee jerk reactions online after either. We have all done stuff like that.

Look up CBT techniques and replace those negative thoughts with positive ones like “I stood up for myself, a lot of women couldn’t have done that”.

I hope you manage to lose the weight because not doing so will damage your long term health and she’s not worth it.

I think that could have been worded more helpfully, PurpleOkapi. The OP is not denying she has put on weight. What hurt her was the unnecessarily brutal words used by the shop assistant and the shop's failure to recognise that people go to a boutique for constructive advice.

Ann5324, there is lots of advice here about not letting your self esteem be defined by another person's unkind comments. Your body went through a lot with the IVF and pregnancies. I agree with other posters that what's important is that you define yourself going forward.

It's worth researching which drugs you were given during IVF. Most of us who go through it are so desperate for a baby that we would take anything, but there is a lot of evidence that the various drugs given (especially the hormone suppressants used during the first phase of a cycle) cause long term problems.

These can include (but aren't limited to) depression (very common), anxiety, weight gain, lack of libido, intestinal and stomach problems, joint and muscle pain, bone density issues and absolute fucking exhaustion which, coupled with dealing with small children, is soul destroying.

My IVF was almost 30 years ago, and I'm only now realising how many of my mental and physical health problems can be traced back to the cocktail of drugs I was given over a period of three years.

Yes she shouldn’t have made that comment!
But you need to be kind to yourself and that means letting it go & making choices that will help you both mentally & physically move beyond this situation.

Do you have any support in changing your eating habits? I think this would be helpful for you to move away from binge eating which is not positive for you but was a response to a stressful situation. I think if you can find strength in changing your habits you will feel empowered! Her comments made you feel s* but don’t give her that power over you. Who cares what she thinks.. put some walls up to protect yourself & know that you are strong- ‘someone’s stupid comments can’t touch you’ sort of mentality is what you need I think. This is what I mean about being kind to yourself- it’s actually protecting yourself and putting yourself above being able to be hurt by these sort of situations- you deserve kindness from yourself op xxxxxx

@PurpleOkapi

Obviously she shouldn't have said that. But if your tummy is huge, then your tummy is huge. If you're fat, then you're fat. People pretending not to notice those things won't make them stop being true. If you aren't able or willing to change your weight, then at least try to accept the reality of it. Pointing it out unnecessarily will still be rude, of course, but if you've already made your peace with the facts that 1) you're fat, and 2) anyone with eyes already knows that you're fat, it won't bother you so much when someone says it out loud.

In my experience most people who are overweight do not like being overweight. Most people with a huge tummy in proportion to the rest of their body would probably be very conscious of it. And a lot of those people will be trying on and off for years to do something about it. Most critically most people have HOPE that they can solve that problem. Your comments are extremely ill informed and naive. Someone else pointing out your body “defects” achieves nothing whatsoever. Being called fat or that you have a huge tummy, or thinning hair or whatever does not cause people to walk away and magically find the way to reverse that. All it does is makes that person more aware of their body and how it is so awful someone random would comment on it. It actually makes people angry, upset, shamed, humiliated etc. All perfectly normal emotions . I always try to think about what maya angelou said “ “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Keeping opinions to yourself that may be hurtful to someone else, or outright being nasty is not a thing we do to simply be “polite”. We have evolved culturally to interact with each other by minimising conflict and building trust. We just call that “politeness”. Without that humans would not have survived.

You were totally right to complain. It was a disgraceful and unnecessary comment. What was to be gained from saying it? At best she was thoughtless and at worst a fucking bitch.

It's so hard when you're in that spiral.
My advice is to draw a line in the sand tomorrow. Eat what you want today then say that's it.

My other piece of advice is to join a good gym. The one I attend is small and hardcore and everyone is lovely. People are all on their journey. No nasty comments or competition, just pure support.

You've been through a lot so be kind to yourself.

Ah feel so bad for you. We are so fragile after kids. I had the midwife comment on my body hair when I had just given birth. That sent me off to get expensive laser treatment and fret that I was a real, put me off sex with my DH and never really recovered. Roll on 13 years and I am have restored confidence but I diet, exercise and invest a lot of time in myself to get that way. Now i look good I think but for my age. I would recommend digging deep and finding what the source to your unhappiness is, not focusing on the weight itself. Examine the relationship you have with food and what is triggering the need to comfort eat.

Firstly, Op, well done for being brave and standing up for yourself online to this awful woman. Hold you head up high and realise that you probably prevented another woman experiencing the same thing as you as I'm quite sure she will not want another negative review of her awful customer service.
You have helped others out from doing so, so please, just because it was difficult, don't let her feel you were in the wrong.
Next time u speak with the other mother who works there,don't even bother bringing it up,just smile away and if she mentions it,just say u are sorry she has to work with someone so rude and tell her you got so many people messaging you to support you.
Please don't be embarrassed,the only one who looked awful and rude is her and everyone would have seen through her immediately. You sound wonderful,op..well done on the weight loss,u can do op, get a walk in today while listening to a podcast..something about what causes people to become so rude and nasty.
You are doing great ..just a step at a time,get up and get dresses and then have a coffee while u search through podcasts..u will feel much better afterwards x

That I was a freak I meant.

OP, I also went through many years of fertility treatment and was eventually successful. I’m also now six stone overweight and feeling hopeless about it. I just wanted to pop on to say you are not alone.

I’m trying baby steps now. Herbal tea over tea with milk. Replace bread with veg or crackers. Avoid frying things as much as possible. I want to her down to a normal weight so I can enjoy life and my kids. Sending you my thoughts x

I can’t believe either that the sales assistant said it or that the shop weren’t absolutely mortified and didn’t immediately lavish you with grovelling apologies and free stuff!! That’s absolutely awful and aside from anything else shocking customer service.

@Ann5324 be kind to yourself. Think about what you’d say to a friend in this position. I bet you’d not be half as critical of them as you’re being on yourself.

I think some therapy might help you if that’s something you could face. Make an appointment with your GP to discuss it this week. You’re not a pathetic loser at all, but it’s clear that you have cripplingly low self esteem and self worth. What’s your husband like, what does he say about all of this?

You’ve been through a lot with the IVF on top of pregnancy - which isn’t great at the best of times! But instead of thinking of it as how much weight you have or haven’t gained, could you try reframing it as how clever and strong your body’s been to make two babies and house and feed them? Your body has been pushed to the limit with IVF and pregnancy, doing something truly amazing. That should be celebrated in itself. And if you want to be healthier and make your body strong for the rest of your life and make sure you’re the healthiest mother you can be for your two little miracles, how about taking up whatever kind of exercise appeals to you.... maybe something you can all do as a family? Try thinking of it in those terms rather than what it looks like (or more likely you perceive it to look like, because I bet you’re gorgeous... the problem that most of us have is that we are all comparing ourselves with what we looked like at 20!)

Good luck with everything, and just to reiterate: that shop girl was a nasty bitch and the people that defended her were too. So fuck them. Take care of yourself.

Stop blaming. The comment hit hard because of your fragility, not because it was a particularly nasty comment. People slip up and say the wrong thing all the time. Your readiness to accept a perceived insult is the problem here.

Which sounds harsh. I don't mean it to. What I'm getting at is that the problem is inside you, and it was caused by the fragility you carry; what this means is that it doesn't exist anywhere else in the world except inside you. And what that means is that YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF IT.

I would say that rather than looking at why you allow your weight to cause you such issues, look at what it was that made you allow you to gain the weight you didn't want in the first place. It didn't happen overnight, so there's a pattern of behaviour there (where you know that what you're eating will put weight on you, but you eat it anyway, because you dismiss your all-important 'I want to be healthy, and look it' ethos), and there's reasons for that pattern. Look into the reasons. Pull it apart. When did it start?

If you start looking at you, and your responsibility to fix the issue at the base of this, you'll be in a much better position than focusing on some random woman making a comment one day. You know she didn't create the moment it went wrong, really, don't you? You know that things were already wrong, and all she did was unlatch the gate?

I also wanted to say that 2.3st isn't tragically over weight. For many people, that would be the 'I just want to get rid of these last few pounds' category. Don't beat yourself up. Just quietly and calmly do things a bit more healthily... sneak it up on yourself, and relax. Your weight will come down.

Why would she say that? It makes no sense to me that some people could be so insensitive, particularly working in that industry. Was English a second language? Was she pleasant besides this or just a catty cow all round? Did she know you'd lost weight? Sorry I know it's irrelevant now but I'm baffled as to why someone would say this to a customer!

You're in no way a pathetic loser, most people would be upset by that comment particularly if they were feeling g otherwise fragile. Be kind to yourself and don't waste anymore time dwelling on a horrible person's comment. Just start again doing what you did to lose weight the last time, one day at a time and the weight will drop again. If it's any consolation I'm 2 stone heavier that I was before the last lockdown - no one said anything mean to me I just ate everything around me to deal with the boredom/stress. It's annoying as I'd worked so bloody hard to finally lose the baby weight after DD2 and none of my nice new clothes I'd bought fit me but hey-ho I'm not going to beat myself up, it's just weight it doesn't define me and it doesn't have to be permanent.

Go for a nice walk today and start speaking to yourself like you would your DC or a dear friend - you'd never call them a loser so don't call yourself one

You are not a pathetic loser, words can be incredibly painful and completely unjustified in that environment. I remember a man at work calling me a ‘fat b*h’ years ago and the words still ring in my head.

Your weight or clothes size does not make you less of a human.

Are you still worried about the online review and how it makes you look ‘deranged?’ (Your words sorry, I’m sure it doesn’t.)

I would personally find it helpful to delete it all and act as if it never happened. You are hanging on to it and going over it and still worrying about the woman who works there etc.

You can lose the weight, but she'll always be an arse.

It seems things that are you are attaching far too much meaning to a comment, and I wonder of that's not a misplacement of something else.
Try to see your GP if you feel depressed, there is no need to suffer if you can get treatment.

You've gone through a lot OP

Be kind to yourself, it will get better

The woman who made the remark was thoughtless and rude BTW

Oh my heart goes out to you reading this, if that had happened to me on a bad day, I would have burst into tears probably.

Stop beating yourself up about the review, it's good that people know what happened and the non apology comes off worse on the business than you.

Agree with pp that it sounds like this goes deeper than just that incident, and that maybe therapy would help. I can also recommend the noom diet plan as an emotional eater. This helped me lose weight by making me realise I wasn't eating because I was hungry I was eating to fulfil an emotional need and helped me with tools to fulfil that in a different way.

For a start- your life hasn't gone wrong- it was one small incident.

Some great advice on this thread, OP. 2 thinks I would add.

EVERYONE has at some time complained, over-reacted or behaved out of character in some way which has blown up or they have later regretted it. I don’t think you were wrong to complain at all, but for a normally non-confrontational person it can be really upsetting. There are some people who can walk through life letting these things glance off, but for others they can cut deep. I know I am in the second group too. I think the writing an unsent letter is good for your own peace of mind, read it back and you’ll see that your feelings are utterly reasonable and valid. The other thing I find, is that it is at low/anxious times that I spend time overthinking things from the past. you have to firmly stop yourself going round in cycles of unproductive worrying, speak kind words to yourself, find something else to occupy your mind and hands ?knitting, mindful colouring etc.

Secondly - no one can escape unkind and triggering comments about weight and size, but for people with disordered eating this can be a real problem. I imagine the shop lady might have been more understanding if it were anorexia you were struggling with (maybe not) but this is not a failure on your part at all. You have been through such a lot. I would be looking at some form of therapy/Cbt if you can for your emotional/mental health wellbeing, which may get you into a more positive place to tackle the weight, if you want to of course.

A shop assistant telling someone their belly is huge is never ok in any context, even if it is true (which I have no way of knowing in this situation). OP I can guarantee you didn't look like the deranged one. They shouldn't be trying tk defend one of their staff being so rude to a customer, and you should have received an apology.

Look at it this way, it's just weight, it can be lost again. I'm a lot heavier than I want to be right now. I was hoping to have lost at least a stone more than I have by this point, infact but it's going really slowly after having my baby. Sometimes I go through periods where I'm reallybhard on myself, then I get to a point where I think for god sake stop feeling sorry for yourself, only I can change my eating habits and lose weight.

What an awful shop assistant!! If I read your review (which you were absolutely right to leave,) I’d never shop there.
I think you need to address your own feelings so that you can feel good about yourself. Try to get some support so you can feel stronger .

Op it sounds like you came across someone with poor social skills who chose the wrong job. She was very rude. Try and comfort yourself that her poor social skills will cause her problems throughout her life. The same goes for those on this thread who see nothing wrong with her rudeness.