Moment it went wrong

[Ann5324]

I can’t sleep as been doing a lot of soul searching lately and trying to figure out where part of my life went wrong!

Got no one in RL to talk to so please be kind.

Went through hell over last 8 years in terms of fertility treatments and I know I’m lucky that I am blessed with 2 kids whilst others I bet were not so lucky. I got really depressed after 2nd one and then felt immense guilt why I felt this way. I got help and things were looking up. I lost loads of weight. Over IVF treatments and pregnancy itself I put on a lot of weight.

Then I remember clearly going to local boutique/tailoring shop as I was getting fitted for a dress for my baby’s first birthday and sales assistant said “your tummy is huge”. That one comment caused me so much upset as I thought I looked good and considering how much weight I had lost I felt amazing but that one thoughtless comment to an already fragile person just broke me. My eldest was in nursery then and her friends mum was also working in the shop and heard everything. I didn’t want to cause a scene so just left and comfort eated all day. Plucked up the courage next day and rang up the shop and complained and the sales assistant was defensive and said it’s the truth. I know I should have let it go but I wrote a review on their website and got a horrible comment back from management. There was a lot of back and forth on the website and I felt embarrassed knowing that one of the workers goes to my child’s nursery so I must have looked like a pathetic loser.

2 months later lockdown happened and that caused more over eating. I’m sat here now and I am 2.3 stones heavier than I was on that day.

I feel lost and ashamed, I keep thinking what if I hadn’t gone into that particular store that day. What if I had just let the comment slide a d not get into an online war where I looked deranged and management looked like the sane put together ones from their replies to my review. I was already fragile and insensitive comment like that was awful.

OP I actually want to say thank you for complaining and refusing to drop this. The shop assistant was completely out of order and if the shop can't see that then their management is hideous. By not letting them pretend that this kind of abuse was OK you have not just stood up for yourself, you have also stood up for all the people who've been body shamed (which actually has nothing to do with your size/ cellulite/ spots/ body hair and everything to do with the insecurity or personality defect of the person doing the shaming). I think you should feel proud of yourself for not letting them bully you into submission. Your work as a person is not related to the size of your stomach or any other part of you.

We saw my SIL last week (we rarely do, she lives in the US and we've not see her for 5 years). She was shocked that my kids joked about my being chubby. But the thing is - I am. We don't hide that fact in my house and it is said as a fact and not as an insult. SIL said 'I'd never let my kids talk to me like that and you're not chubby'. My BMI is 29 and I really don't think it's healthy for self-esteem to be built on a house of cards - i.e. of course I can get my kids to stop mentioning that I'm chubby but I don't see the need. It's a fact and only becomes something to hide when it's a judgement. I guess what I'm saying is, even if your tummy is big, that does not mean you're not a glorious person and it does not mean you're any less worthy.

Plucked up the courage next day and rang up the shop and complained and the sales assistant was defensive and said it’s the truth.

So this was not a slip-up or an inadvertent comment that you read to much into. The sales assistant was definitely in the wrong to have said it. Even if she thought it was the truth, would it be OK for a beautician to say "you are really ugly"? And not apologise and insist that it was the truth? It's part of the sales assistant's job to help you look good, and she could have focused on emphasising your positives. If she really did want to focus on the tummy then she could have advised on how to dress to flatter that body type, if that's what you wanted (and no reason you should - so many of us have bigger tummies, and it's not something that necessarily needs to be hidden).

(I suspect it's not even the truth. You felt good in the dress and we are usually our own worst critics. If your tummy really did look "huge" you'd have noticed it yourself).

I can see why you took it further after the phone call. The sales assistant could have said just about anything other than "it's the truth", something which just compounded it! She could have apologised at the very least, and been sorry that you were upset. I know you regret the review on the website, but it sounds like it was justified and honest and will be useful for people. I do wonder if people reading the review (and the mum from nursery who overheard) will quietly make their own judgments in your favour.

Oh, and the CCTV is irrelevant. Of course you were going to keep smiling and not make a scene. That's what I would do too, and then it would hit me after I left the shop. You rightly brought it up with them after you had time to consider it.

I completely understand why you're fretting over it. I would do exactly the same thing of wishing I could go back and change what I'd done. But that doesn't mean you were wrong to do it. If you're anything like me, it will still pop into your mind every now and then and annoy you, but please don't think you have anything to be ashamed about.

Op have you posted about this before? I defintely remember it

If so the fact you’re still posting about it would indicate something deeper going on with you and maybe it’s worth getting some help?

I like JK Rowling's comment

"Fat’ is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her.
I mean, is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me"

So true

So true @JellyTotCat.

It’s awful that an employee said this OP, and I would have been furious, and your review and complaint were absolutely justified. However, I think you have to stop looking to blame the comment for your subsequent weight gain. You are in control of what you do with a comment like that, and for a lot of people it would mean the anger would spur them on to lose the weight. A friend of mine once pointed out that she thought I’d put a lot of weight on, when I had convinced myself I hadn’t. But although her comment made me furious at the time, it actually made me go on a diet and I lost the excess pounds. You can rescue this - join a weight loss group, lose those extra pounds, be focused and you will get there and will be proud of yourself.

I cant believe they said that! How rude. I think this is one reason shopping online has taken off TBH. Try not to dwell on it too much ,Most of us are hardly sylph like.If you can, just think the shop Assistant had a shitty day in a shitty job ,probably lots wrong in her life and she just took it out on you rather than someone else thats all. Maybe get some Counselling if you can ,also try and concentrate on your DC/DH whatever is good in your life . I never go to Boutiques as I think they have a snobby mindset .M and S has some lovely clothes or Monsoon etc . Dont worry about the comments ,ask for them to be deleted if you can ,then forget and dont look at them any more

This woman absolute was being a bitch. You were right to complain and people reading the review would be able to read between the lines and you may well have put people off experiencing similar. So well done for that.

I don't know whether this would help but could you reframe any changes in your body as showing what a wonderful strong thing it is, and that it's enabled you to have your beautiful child.

People can be arseholes and say awful thoughtless things. I've got big nipples that I can't do anything about and I'm a bit self conscious about. When the midwife asked me to show her them to check whether I'd be ok to breastfeed she widened her eyes and said something like, oh they're really big. And that's a medical professional. Thanks love! I didn't realise without your clinical opinion 🙄.

It's good advice to start by being kind to yourself and loving yourself more. Losing weight will then become something you do because you love yourself and want to be healthier and more comfortable.

I know how you feel OP. A few days after I gave birth the midwife poked my saggy tummy and said “that’s never going to go back to normal, it’s permanently deformed”. Then a nasty old aunty poked my tummy and said “What’s that? You can’t possibly be pregnant again already, you only gave birth two weeks ago?!” In both cases they clearly knew that I wasn’t pregnant, I’d literally just had a c section and I could barely walk, there was nothing I could do about the shape of my tummy. But that’s when I started wearing baggy clothes because I felt absolutely shit about myself.

It was another year before I lost a stone and felt confident enough to buy a dress. I wore it for a hospital appointment and the consultant said I couldn’t have a scan because of my pregnancy. I genuinely believe she thought I was pregnant because like I said, my tummy is deformed and the rest of me is stick thin. But it just crushed me because I thought I looked nice, I’d lost weight and had my hair done and bought a dress, and I obviously still looked awful. I never wore the dress again. Or any other dress.

I'm a former retail manager. If one of my staff had said that to you, I'd have wanted to know! I'd have been mortified. My boss would have been mortified and if we hadn't handled it properly and you'd escalated it, our Area Manager would have been furious. Because we would have failed you, OP, by making you feel that way. You were dealing with bitches.

I've had "throw away" comments cut me deep. Use it as "fuck you" fuel to take control and help yourself feel better. You have done this before and you will again.

I also wish you the satisfaction of a Pretty Woman moment, where you can walk back in and tell them- big mistake, huge.

That sucks total balls. I am so cross with the shop assistant.

I don’t think you are feeling sorry for yourself, OP. I think you were on the receiving end of a very hurtful, rude comment from someone with no manners or sensitivity, who failed to apologise or try to make you feel better even when they knew they’d upset you. That’s not something that you expect to shrug off and not feel hurt about. It’s not weak or shameful: it’s about having a kind and sensitive heart and knowing you’d never want anyone else to feel so shitty.

Handhold...

You aren't being self pitying - when you are low and it feels like things are piling on and on, one comment can just push you over the edge.

You may be low but on the plus side, you aren't a nasty, spiteful piece of shit who spends their life making people feel bad

It was a hideous comment to make to anyone but to say it to you when you are in that dark place is unforgivable.

I remember you posting about this before. You absolutely did the right thing complaining. You wouldn't have sounded deranged in the online review spat, review readers would fully understand that most people would hide their distress about a "huge tummy" comment so reviewing the CCTV footage makes them look ridiculous and not you. I too would boycott a shop where that had been said to a customer so your review definitely served some purpose. Hopefully one day the person who said it will have the emotional maturity to realise just how wrong it was.

Re the weight, you've done it before, you can do it again.

Thank you everyone for the lovely words a d support. I am determined to tomorrow to start my healthy eating and excercise again. Yes I did it before so I can do again! I will keep reading these posts for encouragement until I reach my weight loss goal (3 stones)

OP you should be proud that you stood up for yourself. Who cares if you regress a little, you took a stand and that woman who made nasty comments about you knows now that she was wrong.

Draw a line under the incident now and move forward. And in future, do the same. If you're uncomfortable or feel someone is nasty to you, say something. It's the right thing to do!

Also that woman will probably think twice before saying something similar in future, so you have most likely really helped someone else who might not have the courage to say something.

I agree with @ChardonnaysPetDragon

You can lose the weight, but she'll always be an arse.