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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A thread for those disappointed with their wider family

71 replies

therespectablecardigan · 16/10/2021 21:17

This isn't a Stately Homes thread as there isn't any abuse or control issues, just a complete lack of 'togetherness', if that makes sense? I wrote a massive post but deleted it as I wouldn't expect anyone to get to the end.

To summarize: I had a brilliant extended family growing up, my cousins, aunts/uncles and grandparents were a very integral part of my life. Most of my happiest memories were of us having xmas/birthdays/Easter meals together. My gdps are dead now and the togetherness is no longer there. My aunt now has her own dgc and they have a very 'together' unit. Sadly this has not happened with us, partly because we are a blended family and the dynamic just isn't the same, and partly because dsf is very anti social and openly says he prefers it just to be my DM and him. I'm not sure why, but this has really been upsetting me recently.

The only way I get to see them is if I invite them for dinner. They never pop in, even if driving past. This makes me feel that I can't just call into them. My dc (all teens now) have no recollection of the family get togethers that I have. We regularly invite everyone for dinner, but never, ever get invited anywhere. Dd remarked recently that her school friends all go to their dgps houses on Sundays for dinners and that my family isn't normal. Dsf said recently he hopes we are in lockdown again over Xmas as he wants to be on his own DH isn't from UK so his family are on the other side of the world so we only see them every few years.

On the plus side my own dc are fab and I really hope their dc in the future will be a big part of my life.

Anyone else sad/disappointed about their family dynamic?

OP posts:

Hawkins001 · 16/10/2021 21:20

Mine is fairly fragmented it would be nice to have the large family gatherings at a big house and festivities throughout the year ect.

Signoramarella · 16/10/2021 21:22

Yes mine are rubbish too. My brother emails me, never calls. My dsil ignores us. All my aunties. Uncles. Cousins, completely disinterested. Never call, no cards. Nothing. I am completely alone, single parent 2 kids. Ex in a foreign country. I've just blocked all of them . Useless!

spanieleyes · 16/10/2021 21:26

Currently on a weekend away with various aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins once removed , a mix! We meet up twice a year and then any other wedding/funeral/christening services as necessary! But the only way it works is to make an effort, cousins come ( pre Covid) from Canada, America, France and Spain and it's great!

Zampa · 16/10/2021 21:28

Saddest thing about splitting up with my last long term boyfriend before I met DH was losing bf's amazingly close family. Growing up, we lived a long way from my Mum's family and my Dad isn't close to his and I loved being part of a close family unit.

DH (like my Dad) is part of a fragmented family group and whilst I (!) make the effort to stay close to my children's cousins of the same age, they live several hours away.

I'm disappointed but it's my reality and like you, OP, my kids are great!

Auntycorruption · 16/10/2021 21:31

I think the "step" element has a lot to do with this.

It's not a popular opinion but this is one of the long lasting effects of divorce - step parents turn into step grandparents and often are far less interested than if they were their own flesh & blood, and that has an impact on how involved / social the biological parent is. I think is more common in my generation (30s, parents 60s/70s) as when they divorced not many had seen the long - term implications on a family and didn't consider it when re-marrying

OliverBabish · 16/10/2021 21:32

I totally get this.

We are a small family and I get so jealous of one of our family friends who has this fabulous massive family (and they are - a proper loving unit) who are there for each other thick and thin. My sister is a fair bit younger than me so my kids will be waiting a loooong while for any cousins, and I know they envy their friends in that respect.

Overthebow · 16/10/2021 21:33

I have no family close by so my DC will never have extended family dinners or parties. There's also no one to help with DC. I'm sad about it a lot but I can't change anything.

StressCoffee · 16/10/2021 21:35

You could be me.

Growing up I have happy memories of a close family that did nice things together, including Sunday dinner every week. Then my parents split up, my DM remarried a guy who prefers to have her all to herself. DM goes along with this because her loyalty appears to lie with him. Dad led a destructive life after the divorce and is now dead. Extended family all drifted away. Husband's family 1000s miles away.

I hate that my wonderful DC won't have the same memories and experiences as me. Although I guess they don't miss what they don't know.

MrsKeats · 16/10/2021 21:35

My husband's family is like this.
My family is very close and I love it.

FancyLampshade · 16/10/2021 21:39

YANBU this is a big sadness for me

Original poster

therespectablecardigan · 16/10/2021 21:41

Thank you for all the replies, this isn't sonething I can really share with anyone IRL.
@spanieleyes, that sounds amazing. I agree you do have to put effort in, my problem is that I'm the only one who does. I host all of the gatherings. Dd joked recently that if I died the whole family would never see each other again!
Weirdly for the first time I'm feeling very sad that my parents are divorced. They split up when I was five, but I honestly think things would be much better if they'd stayed together (in terms of family relations). When I was late teens DF remarried and his wife was very jealous of him having a daughter, so he decided to cut me off to make things easier . I don't know if I'm hormonal or what, but feeling very sad tonight and am hiding the Xmas threads.

OP posts:

Luckystar1 · 16/10/2021 21:45

This is me too. It makes me very sad. My friends are all from big, close families and I am very envious of the support that it gives (emotional, physical and with children). It also means that they don’t ‘need’ me in their lives like I ‘need’ them, which just adds to the loneliness.

Cantstopthewaves · 16/10/2021 21:48

I have fond memories of a house full of aunt's, uncle's, cousins and family friends who I called Aunty/Uncle despite them not being ( those were they days!). Any excuse for a get-together and a buffet.
While there's been no falling out we've definitely grown apart and I noticed this happening as the older generation passed away. Where we would all meet at Auntie Sarah's now she's passed noone has taken over that role and we keep ourselves to ourselves really. It's sad.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 16/10/2021 21:48

I feel emotional reading your posts OP. It sounds like both your biological parents are prioritising the new relationship over their own children. I think I would be inclined to speak to them and tell them how you are feeling. They might not realise how upset you are by it. It could make them reassess their current relationships. It might not have any effect but you would have got it off your chest. Focus on your lovely family.

Original poster

therespectablecardigan · 16/10/2021 21:49

@Auntycorruption yes in some ways the step element definitely impacts. My dsf isn't unkind, but strange. He has no interest in children, so if the dc (makes no difference if step or bio gc) are in the same room as him he will say hello and then literally no further engagement. His dc live close by but he doesn't see them often. I'm close-ish to one step sister but my DM isn't keen on her so doesn't like me to invite her to gatherings .

We made the decision to go away this Xmas, and now DM is complaining that they have nowhere to go. I suggested she invited dB and dssis, but she looked at me as if I had 3 heads. She's mid 60s, fit and healthy, but can't be bothered to have anyone at their house.

OP posts:

BrilloPaddy · 16/10/2021 21:51

My family are a huge disappointment. But instead of trying to work out why, I've shrugged off the hurt and rejection. I've just invested all my time and effort into my own DC. We will have a close knit family unit as long as I'm around.

PinkCricket · 16/10/2021 21:51

Yup. I locedmy nan and aunt and we had lovely xmases etc. Amazing memories of big dinners and lots of laughter.

My kids dont have any of this and it makes me sad. We live in an area where lots of people have close family /have granny to nativity/sports day etc and it makes me sad :(

PinkCricket · 16/10/2021 21:52

We haven't managed to replace witb close friemds as I'd hoped either :(

LyricalBoudicca · 16/10/2021 21:54

Same here. So many happy memories of my childhood with my cousins. However, when the grandparents died things started to fizzle out and there were no longer the big mutual meet-ups except only at funerals (not many wedding invites either). When the last of our parents died I concluded that I'd probably never see any of the cousins again - I had historically made a few attempts to arrange an event/big dinner just to keep things going but nobody was really interested in making the same effort and were all busy with their own families. We don't even exchange Christmas cards (our parents used to do that bit and we never did it independently). I do think it's sad but I've concluded that life's too short to invest too much time in people who aren't that interested. I've consciously directed my efforts to local voluntary work instead.

onlyreadingneverposting8 · 16/10/2021 21:57

Yeh my family are a massive disappointment. My parents are genuinely more interested in their dogs than their grandchildren. To the point where they won't leave them without one of them being there - well they did once...to go on holiday with my 2 bros (no Dbro because they won't speak to me). My bros don't speak to me due to an argument I had with parents - my DF still won't speak to me, DM does (ironic due to her causing the issues!). Unfortunately don't have any contact with wider family - they all live hundreds of miles away nearer my DM & DF.
Really unfortunately DHs family are as bad! His parents live close to and do loads for his brother but haven't visited us for 5 yrs despite lots of invites and even DH offering to travel 4 hrs to pick them up!

onlyreadingneverposting8 · 16/10/2021 21:59

We concentrate on our own children and hopefully history won't repeat itself!

PearlclutchersInc · 16/10/2021 22:03

Families grow up, move on, day to day life gets in the way. People just dont have the time, energy or sometimes the money.

I, personally love my extended family but the last couple of years have been so hard I've just retrenched (not to mention they've not spent any time on me but thats another story).

Peoniesandpeaches · 16/10/2021 22:24

Coming out has largely killed off my relationship with my family. Its incredibly sad when a family fragments but I think it’s even harder when they don’t and instead make it clear that they just don’t want anything to do with you. I’ve spent years hiding the fact because it makes me feel pretty unlovable… still wouldn’t give up my partner for a seat at the bigots table.

dayswithaY · 16/10/2021 22:49

Same here. I try and try but never get invited back to extended family.

I wonder if it's a thing of the past - big families all hanging out together, grandparents, cousins etc. Now, family time is much more structured- children get driven to activities all weekend, parents have hobbies like cycling and the gym, families tend to hang out with friends a lot more than my parents' generation did.

Maybe they all had less options so they ended up being with family.

Original poster

therespectablecardigan · 16/10/2021 22:50

It's weird for me as most of my dm's friends are very hands on grandparents and do childcare. My DM actually offered to do half a day a month when dsis was pregnant but then thought it was too much of a commitment when the time came 😂.

OP posts:

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