A thread for those disappointed with their wider family

[therespectablecardigan]

This isn't a Stately Homes thread as there isn't any abuse or control issues, just a complete lack of 'togetherness', if that makes sense? I wrote a massive post but deleted it as I wouldn't expect anyone to get to the end.

To summarize: I had a brilliant extended family growing up, my cousins, aunts/uncles and grandparents were a very integral part of my life. Most of my happiest memories were of us having xmas/birthdays/Easter meals together. My gdps are dead now and the togetherness is no longer there. My aunt now has her own dgc and they have a very 'together' unit. Sadly this has not happened with us, partly because we are a blended family and the dynamic just isn't the same, and partly because dsf is very anti social and openly says he prefers it just to be my DM and him. I'm not sure why, but this has really been upsetting me recently.

The only way I get to see them is if I invite them for dinner. They never pop in, even if driving past. This makes me feel that I can't just call into them. My dc (all teens now) have no recollection of the family get togethers that I have. We regularly invite everyone for dinner, but never, ever get invited anywhere. Dd remarked recently that her school friends all go to their dgps houses on Sundays for dinners and that my family isn't normal. Dsf said recently he hopes we are in lockdown again over Xmas as he wants to be on his own DH isn't from UK so his family are on the other side of the world so we only see them every few years.

On the plus side my own dc are fab and I really hope their dc in the future will be a big part of my life.

Anyone else sad/disappointed about their family dynamic?

Yes. You're not alone (well, you are with no extended family, but you know what I mean.).
I didn't even have extended family growing up. I envy you that. It was just my mother and two siblings. I am now NC with them all, and have no one. Am also a single mother, though am in a newish relationship and he has a lovely extended family who I know, and I think they will fill that gap somewhat. So I have hope. But it's a little way off having the children involved.

Pretty dysfunctional family growing up and always watched The Waltons enviously, wanted a huge multi generational family around a farmhouse table......... But will be just me and my boys at Christmas as usual!

Dps family live at the opposite end of the country, they have met D's 2x in his life. His paternal grandparents have met him once for a total duration of 4 hrs. My family are fractured and toxic, I don't want anything to do with my siblings at all and my parents were unbelievably cruel when our second D's died so after a period of complete NC they are now held at arm's length as I can't stand them but I know D's loves them. I have never really had a relationship with my uncles or cousins, they are basically strangers. DP has 2 adult children who we see maybe 2x a year for a weekend at a time, they are busy with their own lives and relationships, he does speak to them on the phone quite regularly though. I'm not sad about it, I never experienced a large close knit wider family myself and I prefer to keep toxic people away from Ds.

Yes, I’m a single parent with my dd who is 8. I’m close to my mum but my father and his wife are distant. I communicate with him by email as this is the only way to guarantee a reply. My step mother has nieces and nephews that both my df and stepmother see all the time. Rarely see my dd.

Yes. I'm the only child of an only child; my parents divorced when I was young, and my father's family didn't put much effort into keeping in touch (neither did my father!). So I only had my mum, and we lived pretty far from her extended family and only saw them every couple of years. Now we live overseas from DH's family. I never had, and my kids don't have, that "family" experience.

DH is from a huge family, dozens of cousins, loads of aunts and uncles. Always socialising when he was growing up.
He’s the only member of the family to move away. They just aren’t interested in him. He’s spent decades trying to maintain a relationship with them but they aren’t interested.
Part of the problem is they don’t want to go for a meal or coffee, they want to run into you at the pub or club. He’s also is the only one who has a ‘professional ‘ job and doesn’t drink heavily.
He’s always going on about how it’s a pity we don’t live in his hometown because of this huge supportive family. I don't see if that way. I haven’t met loads of them or once at a wedding.

Sad. My mam is elderly. Her way or the high way. Envy the Walton type families!! It has improved bit thank god. Find siblings can be devious/delegate stuff on.

I'm nc with all my family except my dad, low contact with him.
DHs parents are a bit too self involved to be great grand parents to DD.
No one else family wise.
I do find it quite sad. I've often worried about it in regards to DD, not having cousins or 2nd cousins or aunts and uncles, no huge amount of love from all her grandparents,
But it is what it is. Were a compact little family and we all love each other, so it could be worse.

Same, I grew up in a house with a constant stream of visitors.. grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, parents friends, siblings friends. We would always visit everyone around Christmas and see cousins at grandparents. I knew all my extended family very well.
And then they all drifted off, grandparents died.
Social media, phones and messaging etc is a big part of it I think. All the entertainment we have nowadays. No need to gather with people to catch up. I think family meant a bit more then too, more than friendships.
My kids barely see DPs side of the family as they are all spread out around the UK (wasn't normal back then) his parents abroad.. and my siblings don't have kids. So me and DP are basically their world.

Life is just different now. Not for everyone though, I do know a few people who still have those types of family relationships.

Same here @therespectablecardigan

Thanks for posting this OP. I am in the same boat and it's good to link with others going through this. We had 2 sets of GP within 30 mons drive growing up and saw them regularly. Cousins were a couple of hours away but we still saw them quite often. Now my mother has died, my dad lives abroad (and comes back occasionally to 'see us' but is then so busy seeing his friends that we only see each other for a day which is always dominated by his wife talking about her family, one sister's gone to New Zealand and thinks the odd text is proper contact (she doesn't want to talk on the phone) qnd my cousins cancelled all plans to meet burning often I've not bothered to suggest a meet up for 5 years so we don't meet up. I have a lovely sister about 5 hours away and I doncpunt my blessings with her. I find bank hols the worst. Everyone elae seems to be with family but we're by ourselves again. It's a bit shit tbh. If you family are anything like mine though, there's no point in talking to them about it as they don't really care. It would just make things even more awkward.

I didn't have extended family growing up and still don't. My DP did have extended family growing up, but doesn't really now. I am jealous when I see how much practical help some people get from their extended family, we are pretty much on our own as a nuclear family.
But we cant change it. All we can do is make the best of what we have.

Yes I have a daily fragmented family for lots of reasons and have felt “lost” for a long time with my family.

Luckily DH’s family are lovely and welcoming and we spend lots of time with PILS and his wider family too.

My DF was one of 5 brothers. We were never a very close extended family but we did all meet fairly regularly. Now DF and his brothers are all gone, I see my cousins about once every ten years. I'd be a liar if I said I was bothered by that.

I can understand your feelings, but just to add a different perspective - I found a close, enmeshed family to be really stifling and, as an introvert, exhausting.

I found myself a bit emotional at your post op.
Growing up I was one of 13 cousins and we all often saw each other and had get togethers for all life events etc. I felt part of something bigger and socially it was great.

Sadly divisions occurred and I am now barely in touch with 2 cousins and nc with the remaining. My sister lives on the other side of the world so though we're in regular contact we're not in each others life really.

My dp's are lovely but live a long way away and my dh's dp's are even further away.

My children are lovely but have no-one they see regularly who loves them apart from me and dh. We have friends which were fairly close to so I'm grateful for that but everyone has busy lives so day to day it's just us 4.
It just all feels so small.
I have a lot to be thankful for and do focus on that but the op certainly uncovered feelings of regret that my kids will never be in a big tribe and have that feeling of belonging.

It was nice having that growing up, though ultimately was an illusion as the family has fractured since.

Op what does your DM say when you mention this? Could she come to a regular Sunday lunch fixture without your DSF or vice versa?

I come from a large Irish Catholic family who has these regular meet ups and I know op you are talking more about an emotional connection being lost but from a practical point of view, although the meet ups are lovely, don't underestimate the effort and expense involved in "get togethers". The last one we did was for eighteen. Someone has to have a large enough house to host, and everyone has to contribute to food costs. Food prep is no problem but getting the 18 sets of plates, chairs, cutlery, glasses is a hassle even if you hire it. And it's hard work putting on a couple of big dinners and lunches if you have a full house of guests which we have as extended family comes from all over Europe. Or you eat out at a restaurant and then you have the problem of disparities of income when covering costs and the same people end up subsidising the less well off. And people drink a lot on these occasions.

Having said all of that, it's always memorable if exhausting and I agree that children and teens absolutely love it!

Op, I sympathise. but equally I can see your dsf's pov too. But if this is what you want for your DC then you can create your own gatherings before your DC grow up and have DC of their own . Start small with regular Sunday lunches. Invite one or two new guests every fortnight or every month and mix it up. Invite an elderly neighbour or somone you like from work. Recreate that extended family feeling but with close friends. My sister does this at Christmas and invites people who would otherwise be on their own not by choice and it's always a roaring success.

It is tough I know though when you are the one always making the effort

I think it can be hard when the generation of the family everyone has in common dies out. I’m lucky in that my extended family has remained relatively close since my grandparents died, but it does take work, as there are fewer ‘natural’ get-togethers now, if that makes sense.

OP - the way you describe your stepdad reminds me of my uncle on my mother’s side. There’s no animosity and there was never a falling out, but he and his immediate family just don't seem interested in maintaining contact. They’d be there for weddings, funerals, big birthdays etc. when my grandparents were alive, but they’d never want to see us ‘just because’. My father doesn’t talk to his sister, so we never see her or her kids, but that’s due to a long-term family argument - and while it’s sad, I feel like there is a reason at least, even if it’s not a great one. The ambivalence from my uncle is almost more hurtful.

We never had that consistently growing up due to various family fall outs on both sides over the years. I try and organise things as a family - parents, siblings, partners and kids etc but Often feel like if I didn't do it no one else would bother. Xmas has turned into a rota as sibling doesn't want people sat on mismatched chairs 😳

I think it's part of the reason I'd like more children - have 3 currently but would have more if I could and maybe have the big family gatherings I'd dreamed of that way

I think those of you who were children in big families are not comparing like with like. To you it was an easy socialising stream of other relatives - to your parents for all you know it could have been an an exhausting network of obligations! We read a lot here about people not wanting to go to MIL house for Christmas, or parents and grandparents outstaying their welcome, picky SILs, boorish BILs and so on.

I suspect it is more the case that younger couples now don't have the sense they should take their own children to fit in with the whims of a matriarch or whoever - plus they're working more, and so on.

While the kids and cousins are missing out on big family groups, their parents are probably having a better time!

Nope absolutely not having a better time here! I would love to have extended family overn and for my children to have someome to show their treasures too/tell about their certificate or whatever.

As a parent I feel it as a loss from so many angles. I'd love to be able to chat about the small things of life and feel supported. It is v lonely qhen parents aren't interested/aren't able to be interested and all events are just the 4 of you.

I can understand why that is upsetting for you. What does your DM say about it? Can’t you see her without DSF? As you say at least you have your own children to look forward to?

My dad is from a big family & although they are all abroad it was great fun with all the family meet ups.

I do think life has changed though. Many families are pressed for time as they are working, smaller families, smaller houses so can't fit everyone in, general expense.

I live very close to my mum & siblings & despite my dc not having cousins our family is very close knit. My dc are often with them separately or we are all together. This is seen as quite unusual on MNs though as you should never expect babysitting or childcare but we all pitch in & help each other. Then people I know in RL often have family too spread out.

My DM wouldn't even offer half a day a month childcare. It was emergencies and the odd day in half term and nothing else.
She's not with us now, nor my DF. My brother is an hour away and I'm LC, and my many aunts, uncles and cousins are all over the country. I have no family member left in the county and so none of my family I ever see anymore. And I'm only in my 40's.
IL's are an hour away and that's it.

Just to ad, I am nc with my family and Dh is an only child and his parents live 100s miles away. I’m not bothered ad I have my own 4 Dcs, occasionally dcs will mention cousins and friends going to gp at weekends but they see their gp every few months.