A thread for those disappointed with their wider family

[therespectablecardigan]

This isn't a Stately Homes thread as there isn't any abuse or control issues, just a complete lack of 'togetherness', if that makes sense? I wrote a massive post but deleted it as I wouldn't expect anyone to get to the end.

To summarize: I had a brilliant extended family growing up, my cousins, aunts/uncles and grandparents were a very integral part of my life. Most of my happiest memories were of us having xmas/birthdays/Easter meals together. My gdps are dead now and the togetherness is no longer there. My aunt now has her own dgc and they have a very 'together' unit. Sadly this has not happened with us, partly because we are a blended family and the dynamic just isn't the same, and partly because dsf is very anti social and openly says he prefers it just to be my DM and him. I'm not sure why, but this has really been upsetting me recently.

The only way I get to see them is if I invite them for dinner. They never pop in, even if driving past. This makes me feel that I can't just call into them. My dc (all teens now) have no recollection of the family get togethers that I have. We regularly invite everyone for dinner, but never, ever get invited anywhere. Dd remarked recently that her school friends all go to their dgps houses on Sundays for dinners and that my family isn't normal. Dsf said recently he hopes we are in lockdown again over Xmas as he wants to be on his own DH isn't from UK so his family are on the other side of the world so we only see them every few years.

On the plus side my own dc are fab and I really hope their dc in the future will be a big part of my life.

Anyone else sad/disappointed about their family dynamic?

Thanks for all of the replies, I was feeling so low about this last night but have woken up feeling better. As odd as it sounds it's reassuring that I'm not alone in feeling this, it seems everyone around me is very busy with family all the time.

Looking at 'every cloud..', we do get together, but it's always me instigating it, hosting it (and yes it's a PITA, very expensive and I'm frazzled at the end) and it is never reciprocated. I'd love to be invited to someone's house for a cup of tea, it's not even about a huge get together.

I have never spoken to DM about this and I couldn't, it would cause massive upset because she considers herself a great host . I think the crux of it is that I'm most hurt that she has stopped the 'togetherness' role for us, whereas her sister has carried it on with her dc and dgc. I think dsf has influenced DM and she just can't be bothered now, and that really hurts me. I'm very grateful that in some ways they are good - they remember birthdays, holidays, acknowledge exam results etc, but it all seems so distant. It doesn't help that DH is from a culture where family lives in each others pockets, so he can't understand why the relationship seems so formal. If I stopped instigating/hosting I'd probably never see my siblings again.

I understand that life goes on, families are busy, time is precious etc but we had a Waltons childhood wrt family so it just seems sad that it has all stopped. On a brighter side we have a lovely family with our dc and great friends who we consider family too.

I never had this growing up. My father died young and my mother didn't keep in touch with his family. Her family are/were a cold bunch too and we rarely saw any of them even though they're a big family and most lived within 10 miles.

As an adult, for nearly 30 years I facilitated Christmas and usually mother's day get togethers for my mother and her husband, my inlaws and siblings. I did this happily as I wanted my DC to have happy memories of family get togethers. There has never been any reciprocation.

Xmas before covid, my adult DC were both doing their own thing, fair enough. I suggested to my mother and siblings that we go out for Xmas lunch. They weren't interested (didn't want to spend the money), but didn't offer to host. So because I wouldn't host we didn't see any of them. I imagine this year will be the same as I'm not hosting on principle (and I'm too old and knackered for all that!)

Yep, lack of interest and togetherness here. Husband and I currently have covid, no one has offered to drop anything off or ask if we need anything even though we have negative testing kids in the house plus a dog as well

Just one of my mum’s four siblings bothered to come to her funeral this week. No card, no flowers, nothing. I’ve spent years keeping the peace, sending them birthday and Christmas cards. Mum was right and I didn’t realise whilst she was still here. They’re all bastards. Fuck them.

My husband’s extended family are much more caring and have showed me what I want to encourage in my children and family in the future. So sadly, OP, you’re not the only disappointed one ☹️

I had a very similar childhood to you op. My DM’s parents (my DGP) hosted everything for all five of their children and also grandchildren. They had a large family home/garden and were fairly wealthy. They liked to do the hosting, and whilst their children would bring along some food/drink as a contribution, the grandparents would foot most of the bill for the catering. At Christmas and Easter this was probably quite expensive.

The DGPs have now passed away. As a wider family group we now seldom meet other than for weddings/milestone birthdays (so maybe once every couple of years). It’s a shame, but the reality is hosting these large gatherings for 30+ people is very expensive and very time consuming, with a lot of pre-prep and post clearing up. We hosted one at our house a few years ago, but there hasn’t been one since - no one else is that keen to host give the amount of work/cost involved(!) We do smaller meet ups in our own family groups, which are more manageable.

I think it’s a different scenario with grandparents hosting as it’s for their children/grandchildren, but people become a bit resentful hosting cousins, 2nd cousins when nothing is reciprocated. And no surprise it’s the family members that have no means to host that keep suggesting we have another family gathering 😏.

I feel lucky that DC have both sets off grandparents and they are involved, I also have a sister who we see once a month. Feel a bit sad that DH 3 siblings have all moved abroad to different countries so the kids will miss out on having relationships with 10 cousins on their paternal side. Sometimes think about what it would be like if they had stayed here - get togethers and house full of chatter and laughter of adults and kids like we had in both of our own childhoods.

I think for many of us posting here, it's not so much the big family gatherings which we miss, it's small gatherings, or as OP said, family even just wanting to come by for a cup of tea, or invite you to theirs for the same. I can see the complications of a big family gathering - you do need space, time and money. But for me at least, I'd like my family to call me occasionally and my dad to actually come and see me when he's in the country (we'd go and see him and do occasionally but he has his own house 3 hours away and only comes over in the term time due to cost).

Lots of issues at play here in people's various set-ups. With some, I agree there's probably little you can do about it.
But I will say that, at the same time, to continue close connections from previous times, you have to put some effort into it and everyone/most needs to be wanting it. It's too easy, with busy modern lives (and not counting Covid restrictions) to let things slide.
My family had lots of get-togethers when I was young and DH's was the same. As the older generations have died (most of whom thought nothing of throwing open their houses to dozens for Christmas/Sunday lunches/summer garden parties etc), we have pledged to make sure we do the same.
So with my siblings and our children and now grandchildren, we all get together a two or three times a year, with wider cousins maybe once a year.
Family WhatsApp groups and Facebook help keep contacts ticking over. We're having a girls weekend trip for the cousins coming up soon.
DH's cousins all have a big summer bbq at the largest house and we host a Christmas hog roast here too.
But yes, it takes effort and goodwill and you sometimes have to ignore minor irritants from some camps. Your step father for instance doesn't have to attend.

I think those of you who were children in big families are not comparing like with like. To you it was an easy socialising stream of other relatives - to your parents for all you know it could have been an an exhausting network of obligations! We read a lot here about people not wanting to go to MIL house for Christmas, or parents and grandparents outstaying their welcome, picky SILs, boorish BILs and so on.

This is very true. I can remember my parents hating it all and me as a kid desperate to go and join in with the huge tribe. Also the various divorces just killed it all off, it became too complicated and fraught with people out and people in. Money issues were a big thing as few people stayed the same with local jobs and same lifestyle, most moved away got richer or poorer and the commonality wasn’t there anymore.

I get you and how sad it makes you feel but over the years I’ve learnt to appreciate what we have albeit small, is not unusual in the slightest. Isn't there a stat that says over 50% of adults in the UK spend Xmas day alone? The Walton’s is rare and most of the time a complete illusion. For every person that loves it there is usually another few sat at the table wishing they could leave.

We are not a very together family but I'm not disappointed, that's just how we are.

I remember meet ups with cousins and aunts etc as a child which I loved. We all lived within walking distance. It was me that moved away and changed the dynamic I suppose.

The loss of my grandma ( definitely the matriarch) sort of dissolved the glue that kept us together on my side. It also allowed us to cut out a manipulative/nasty extended family member so life is more peaceful. I now feel like the matriarch as my mum/MIL don't naturally take that role as they are both quite introverted.

The other factor is that we have the only 2 grandchildren in the family. No others planned. So between the 4 grandparents, 4 children will reduce to just 2 grandchildren. No cousins to play with.

Seeing the politics of other big families I value the freedom and lack of judgement. It could have been great to have the big close family for support, but it wasn't meant to be.

I was wondering about this too. Is meeting up with extended family less common because there are smaller families now too? Also women feeling less obliged to host which is a good thing. It does definitely create a feeling of loneliness and sadness though. Also could mean there is a lot more pressure on the nuclear family. Sometimes extended family could provide support, when support from nuclear family (siblings and parents) is lacking.

My family is only small-10 close members.
All going out to dinner tonight and I'm looking forward to it. Everyone gets on and my two son in laws are great,
However we all live within 20 miles of each other so I suppose that makes it easier.
It's a culture thing too-I'm a scouser and the family is seen as v important.
I've lived in Italy and see similarities.

Just to clarify, we were not a big family - DM has one sibling who had 2 dc and I have 1 sibling, so I'm not referring to gatherings of 30 people, but we were very close and I considered my Daunt as a second mum.
I would love for DM to suggest we (even just me and my dc) got together at her house for dinner or a takeaway.
Have a lovely time @MrsKeats, I'm not at all jealous!

There are downsides. Spend a fortune on presents for one.
Dh feels bad as his family don't bother with each other. His parents haven't seen their grandchildren for years.
I find this incomprehensible.

*it's always me instigating it, hosting it (and yes it's a PITA, very expensive and I'm frazzled )

I think dsf has influenced DM and she just can't be bothered now*

Clearly, once it is not a straightforward, one family, different perspectives will come into play.

As many PPs have pointed out, much of the effort these events used to be carried by the female members of the family. Acknowledging how much effort it is while wondering why no one else wants to do it must be naive or maybe disingenuous.

Perhaps DSF saw his wife being frazzled by a costly and time consuming activity and encouraged her to step back if she didn't want to. Are you saying that she should want to, to share your burden.

Are there easier ways to stay in touch ? Smaller groups at a time seems a way forward.

Yes I stay in touch with DM by texting/phoning, but again it is me that initiates that. My sibling doesn't keep in touch with me, ask about the dc, acknowledge birthdays etc but does come when I invite her. It makes me sad though that my dc won't have the same relationship with their cousins that we had.
@FinallyHere, I suppose I do think my DM should want to get together and see the dgc, but maybe that is wrong of me? Am I expecting too much? I cannot imagine saying that I want it to be just me and DH at Xmas, and we don't see any of our dc or dgc out of choice. Especially when they are ALWAYS alone, I could totally understand if they were doing childcare or very busy with the family to want a bit of a breather, but this is very much not the case.

And of course I'm more than extremely disappointed with my dad, who has actively made a decision not to bother with me or his dgc, who he hasn't met.

So so envious of those with larger families especially at Christmas, our last big family Christmas was 2015 before the wheels came off and I lost my lovely sister and my mum to dementia. Now life is very different and family gatherings tiny.

Establish your own celebrations/family gatherings. Maybe a summer picnic/barbecue, and a Christmas time meal to which you invite family & friends. Involve your children in the plans and organisation. Accept that there will be no invites back, accept that some do not understand the etiquette of invitations! At least you will have what you yearn for, even if it's not as regular or reciprocal as you'd wish.

@SoftplayTaintedLove

I think those of you who were children in big families are not comparing like with like. To you it was an easy socialising stream of other relatives - to your parents for all you know it could have been an an exhausting network of obligations! We read a lot here about people not wanting to go to MIL house for Christmas, or parents and grandparents outstaying their welcome, picky SILs, boorish BILs and so on.

I suspect it is more the case that younger couples now don't have the sense they should take their own children to fit in with the whims of a matriarch or whoever - plus they're working more, and so on.

While the kids and cousins are missing out on big family groups, their parents are probably having a better time!

Totally agree with this. Despite me looking back fondly at the busy house and visiting people, as an adult I'd hate it. I love our little family with no expectations from anyone, love being left alone, love no family knocking on the door. So yes the pressure on adults must have been huge. Yet still feel a bit sad for my kids.. but they know no different.

Mine are so bad it's depressing to type out.
Nan 94. Mum 70 with two sisters (one was a geriatric nurse for years). Mum left to care for Nan with my help - when she was bad when we all had covid end of 2019 nurse sister said "call 111 or get an ambulance".

Prior to deciding it would be less hassle to pretend her mother was dead (presumably) nurse sister decided to stop so much as popping round one a fortnight under the guise of washing her.
She would close the curtain over of the room and pretend to be strip washing her but since found out after she stopped coming that she was washing her hands and face with the curtain closed and Nan never said so we had no idea.

She stopped coming with no reason given about 18 months ago, despite living a ten month drive away. Poor Nan saying she must have been a bad mother and will go to hell for it, so awful to see. She's bed bound so nothing to do but dwell on it.

Younger sister used to come once a year for 4 hours (despite travelling that long each way to visit). That broke down when she accidentally text nurse sister saying my mum should "have the decency " to text daily updates as it was a cheek they had to ask if they wanted to know how she was, but sent it to mum instead.

My mum is 70, had two heart attacks and now cannot leave the house or do anything as Nan can't be left, she doesn't drive and I have to bring my two kids (one a very wilful toddler) if I want to help out and change dressings or do the manual lifting etc.

Aren't family wonderful?!