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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if OH cared he would check up on me?

86 replies

readyforthewkend · 16/10/2021 21:08

Got into a huge argument earlier over not much really both super stressed I'm down in the dumps been struggling with morning sickness (that lasts all day) since week 4 and im 15 weeks now. He has been picking up the slack and it is obviously getting to him.

I ended up telling him to leave and he has gone to his mums, I know we both need a break but when he left I had not long finished throwing my guts up and I have both DC's here. It feels like he doesn't care about me.

AIBU to think that or do I have good reason to feel that way.

OP posts:
AliceinBorderland · 17/10/2021 00:09

If someone asked me to leave and then expressed their dismay that I did and didn't check up on them, honestly I would despair.

You just need to communicate. Ask him to come home and tell him you said it in the heat of the moment. It'll be OK

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 17/10/2021 00:14

Hard to tell from this who was in the wrong but you did ask him to leave? When people are angry they find it hard to see things from the other's perspective. You both probably need the time to calm down.

TurnUpTurnip · 17/10/2021 00:23

YABU

Fleshmechanic · 17/10/2021 01:20

I'm just here to say, it's going to be alright. I know the nausea feels so awful. I know you're vomiting so much and everything feels like a giant pile of shit. But will end,
and you'll wake up one morning and be able to eat your favourite breakfast without running to the toilet. I promise it'll come before you know it.

converseandjeans · 17/10/2021 01:51

I'm guessing the other DC aren't his and he resents having to run round after them? Or he's used to OP getting on with it.

I think you need to contact him however as you did ask him to leave.

How old are the other DC? Is it safe to leave them with you if you have to disappear off to be sick?

PurpleOkapi · 17/10/2021 02:19

This reply has been deleted

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GiantHaystacks2021 · 17/10/2021 02:21

You did ask him to leave.
So he left.
He doesn't sound like a great partner all the same.

He's probably loving it at Mummy's, where he can do what he wants and doesn't even have to mind his own kids.

ShepherdMoons · 17/10/2021 06:05

We all say things in the heat of the moment, I think he should have checked on you because you were being sick. He could still do this whilst staying at his mums for a few days if that's what you both agreed.

Original poster
readyforthewkend · 17/10/2021 08:46

I did text him yesterday evening he still hasn't replied.

OP posts:
Dontknowwhatsnext · 17/10/2021 08:52

How long was it between him being gone and you starting the thread.

Its difficult because if my oartner asked me to leave my home I wouldn't. But I can see why he did. You wanted him out, your are pregnant, there's kids etc.

If you wanted him to look after the kids and didn't want to be around him you should have left.

If he has been gone days and not contacted then, yes, that's off.

If he only left just before you posted yabu. If my partner kicked me out and wasn't having to stay at my parents I wouldn't speak to them for at least that evening. Give everything a chance to calm down. Certainly wouldn't be making chit chat with them.

I think telling someone to leave their home is a nuclear option tbh. I am sure, he would also expect you to contact him if there was an issue.

What did you text him?

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/10/2021 08:54

What did you say?

You don’t seem to think kicking someone out is a big deal. I do and a lot of other people also do.

WhoWearsShortShorts · 17/10/2021 08:57

Then pick up the phone and call him to apologise like an adult would do. You can't get pissed off, tell someone to leave, then get pissed off when they leave that's hardly fair

clockover · 17/10/2021 08:58

@ShepherdMoons

We all say things in the heat of the moment, I think he should have checked on you because you were being sick. He could still do this whilst staying at his mums for a few days if that's what you both agreed.

There is saying things in the heat of the moment and there is asking someone to leave though. In 20 years I have never asked my DH to leave, not even in our very worst heated moments. That's not even remotely normal and if DH told me to leave I would be absolutely stunned and there would t be a single part of me making any effort to ask if he was ok. Madness.

Original poster
readyforthewkend · 17/10/2021 09:00

I just asked him if he was ok,

To be honest I was stressed he kept going on and on and I just wanted the shouting to end DD was covering her hands over her ears it's not fair.

I don't like the way he speaks to me and disregards how I'm feeling.

OP posts:
Dontknowwhatsnext · 17/10/2021 09:05

Right so either it's a shit relationship. In which case space sounds good for you and your children. And you shouldn't be surprised he isn't bothered about you. But you already knew he wasn't that bother.

Or you over reacted and trying to make it into his fault.

You either threw him out because you felt he was needed to be out. Or game playing.

I take it, he hadn't been gone long when you started this thread. So no, whatever happened, him not contacting you is unsurprising.

If he was being awful and emotiona distressing your child? Why were you asking him if he was OK?

If you were over reacting and playing games, why would you expect him to respond to you shortly after you kicked him out.

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 17/10/2021 09:07

As PPs have said asking someone to leave is a big step. If it felt warranted and there are big issues in your relationship then take this time to think. Can you ask a friend or relative to come round so you can start to chat and process what is going on?
Your instinct might be to run to smooth stuff over but if you are regularly having shouting arguments and you genuinely wanted him to leave, then maybe you need to sit with that for a while and think about whether that was a real request.

MrzClaus · 17/10/2021 09:10

@readyforthewkend

I just asked him if he was ok,

To be honest I was stressed he kept going on and on and I just wanted the shouting to end DD was covering her hands over her ears it's not fair.

I don't like the way he speaks to me and disregards how I'm feeling.

So in the OP you're both stressed, you're ill, he's picking up the slack to help out, there's an argument and you tell him to leave. Then are upset he left and hasn't checked on you?

Now he's a shouty man scaring children, disregarding your feelings etc? Drip feed much when everyone has said YABU?

You told him to leave. If my DP told me to leave I would, and I wouldn't be checking on him. If you tell someone to get out, that's a huge thing and I wouldn't expect them to check on you.

Original poster
readyforthewkend · 17/10/2021 09:11

I texted him just after 8 he left at 5 it takes an hour to get to his mums so I was just seeing if he was ok and got there.

It has been shit since I've been pregnant don't think we have ever argued this much ever.

OP posts:
gannett · 17/10/2021 09:12

If someone told me to leave I would assume they didn't want to hear from me and so I would not be checking on them. I would probably be considering how to leave for good, though.

clockover · 17/10/2021 09:13

I don't like the way he speaks to me and disregards how I'm feeling.

Why are you waiting around for him to ask how you are then? Plan the rest of your life without him.

nanbread · 17/10/2021 09:14

Why is he shouting at you?

In what context did you tell him to leave?

I'd try to find away to reduce stress if you plan to continue with the pregnancy x

ANameChangeAgain · 17/10/2021 09:16

I think after your update you need to assess what this relationship is usually like. No one here can give you that answer. It was either an argument that came out of stress or a man shouting at you in front of the children whilst you are throwing up with morning sickness. The first is repairable, the second is abusive.

girlmom21 · 17/10/2021 09:17

@readyforthewkend

I texted him just after 8 he left at 5 it takes an hour to get to his mums so I was just seeing if he was ok and got there.

It has been shit since I've been pregnant don't think we have ever argued this much ever.

He probably didn't go to his moms. He probably went to the pub with his friends and got pissed to be honest. I'd probably do that if I'd spent the best part of 3 months picking up the slack to then be told to leave in an argument.

You don't tell someone to leave then text asking if they're ok and expect them to be fine with you.

Dontknowwhatsnext · 17/10/2021 09:18

@readyforthewkend

I texted him just after 8 he left at 5 it takes an hour to get to his mums so I was just seeing if he was ok and got there.

It has been shit since I've been pregnant don't think we have ever argued this much ever.

So it had been 4 hours since you kicked him out and you were annoyed he had not checked on you or the kids.

Yeah I think you are unreasonable to think you have the right to throw someone out of their home and then expect them to be checking on you a few hours later.

Or, if you other version is true. Yabu to kick him out and then, expect a man who isn't pleasant to you to text you within a few hours. You are also unreasonable to be texting him to ask how he is, when you claim he has been distressing both you and your small child.

MatildaIThink · 17/10/2021 09:23

You told him to leave, a few hours later you text him to ask how he is, it sounds like you are crazy and playing games.

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