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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I cold and selfish?

62 replies

DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 15:19

A friend’s relative has had a baby. I would call that person more of an acquaintance.

I didn’t realise that this person had given birth. In fact, I didn’t know she was pregnant. The reason is that, whilst I do have her on my FB as a friend, I have unfollowed her. Hence, I didn’t send a card or even a FB message. (I have now byw).

If someone I know adds me as a friend on FB, I generally accept. But I feel not an ounce of interest in their updates so I unfollow everyone. I only ‘follow’ and receive updates for my siblings. Nearly every one of my ‘50’ FB friends is shut off. So realistically I receive updates for around 2 people and a lot of my interests e.g. Gatorland.

Anyway, I tried to explain this to upset friend, who didn’t respond as expected and was horrified that I unfollow everyone. I had showed her my phone to prove this. She accused me of being cold and selfish, and that clearly I have no interest in anyone but myself.

I’m a little hurt by this. Am I unreasonable unfollowing everyone? Am I unreasonable for not noticing therefore that friends relative had a baby. I mean, she could have called and told me?!

Just for information, I rarely post myself (last post was a pic of something I made a year ago) and don’t give two hoots if anyone replies.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 16/10/2021 15:22

YANBU.

I would not apologise.

What you do with your SM is YOUR business.

Your friend sounds like a PITA.

I have zero interest in SM and neither post nor communicate via it.

This is YOUR business.
Flowers

DysmalRadius · 16/10/2021 15:23

Would she be as horrified if you simply weren't on fb?

CounsellorTroi · 16/10/2021 15:24

No you’re not cold and selfish.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 15:24

@billy1966

YANBU.

I would not apologise.

What you do with your SM is YOUR business.

Your friend sounds like a PITA.

I have zero interest in SM and neither post nor communicate via it.

This is YOUR business.
Flowers

Thank you. I really appreciate hearing this.
OP posts:
CocaColaTruck1 · 16/10/2021 15:24

Probably easier to just get rid of it tbh what's the point?

ThePoisonousMushroom · 16/10/2021 15:25

My DH unfollowed 95% of his Facebook friends. Told him he’d be better off just deactivating it, so he did! He unfollowed everyone because they generally just pissed him off though.
If she really wanted you to know about her pregnancy, she should have told you properly.

RedCarsGoFaster · 16/10/2021 15:25

YANBU but these are the risks you run.

I missed a similar acquaintances daughter going into hospital with meningitis. I'd unfollowed her months before due to hourly photos of the child and her Gucci / Prada /insert insane brand here (when you're living on SMP) for weeks at a time. She was developing a mountain of debt for these outfits and I couldn't bear the spamming so I hid her.

She was furious when she found out I hadn't seen the outfits or the news - but I don't live my life on Facebook.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 15:26

@DysmalRadius

Would she be as horrified if you simply weren't on fb?
Apparently not. She did say ‘I’d understand if you weren’t on FB’.

It’s the act of ‘unfollowing’ she doesn’t like. Sad

OP posts:
TheChiefJo · 16/10/2021 15:26

They are being daft. People don't send cards and gifts over every birth in the family of acquaintances. Family and good friends, maybe. I just tell people I don't often look at Facebook, if they really want my attention they have to call (like in the olden days) and if they don't have my number it's probably because I don't want them to. 😊

Clandestin · 16/10/2021 15:26

I have FB, but I don't friend anyone at all on it, I only use it to follow various arts organisations, as it's the easiest way to keep up with events -- anyone who expects me to keep up with the minutiae of their lives is going to have to phone or message me if they don't tell me in person.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 15:27

@CocaColaTruck1

Probably easier to just get rid of it tbh what's the point?
I do go on FB daily. I am in a lot of ‘groups’. So I hear the latest on Disney merchandise releases or new attractions in certain theme parks etc. I like hearing about upcoming flight sales etc.

I do use FB a lot. Just not for socialising.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 15:28

@RedCarsGoFaster

YANBU but these are the risks you run.

I missed a similar acquaintances daughter going into hospital with meningitis. I'd unfollowed her months before due to hourly photos of the child and her Gucci / Prada /insert insane brand here (when you're living on SMP) for weeks at a time. She was developing a mountain of debt for these outfits and I couldn't bear the spamming so I hid her.

She was furious when she found out I hadn't seen the outfits or the news - but I don't live my life on Facebook.

I am sorry, but I’m glad it’s not just me.
OP posts:
Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 15:29

@Clandestin

I have FB, but I don't friend anyone at all on it, I only use it to follow various arts organisations, as it's the easiest way to keep up with events -- anyone who expects me to keep up with the minutiae of their lives is going to have to phone or message me if they don't tell me in person.
Exactly!
OP posts:
takenforgrantednana · 16/10/2021 15:29

@DoleWhipFloat

A friend’s relative has had a baby. I would call that person more of an acquaintance.

I didn’t realise that this person had given birth. In fact, I didn’t know she was pregnant. The reason is that, whilst I do have her on my FB as a friend, I have unfollowed her. Hence, I didn’t send a card or even a FB message. (I have now byw).

If someone I know adds me as a friend on FB, I generally accept. But I feel not an ounce of interest in their updates so I unfollow everyone. I only ‘follow’ and receive updates for my siblings. Nearly every one of my ‘50’ FB friends is shut off. So realistically I receive updates for around 2 people and a lot of my interests e.g. Gatorland.

Anyway, I tried to explain this to upset friend, who didn’t respond as expected and was horrified that I unfollow everyone. I had showed her my phone to prove this. She accused me of being cold and selfish, and that clearly I have no interest in anyone but myself.

I’m a little hurt by this. Am I unreasonable unfollowing everyone? Am I unreasonable for not noticing therefore that friends relative had a baby. I mean, she could have called and told me?!

Just for information, I rarely post myself (last post was a pic of something I made a year ago) and don’t give two hoots if anyone replies.

why on earth would you send best wishes etc to someone you dont even know? o i have a couple of people on my facebook friends list but i dont know them personally, i wouldnt even class them as friends to be honest, they are only on there because i did some work sewing for them. but no way am i going to be in contact to keep up with their lives
Bluntness100 · 16/10/2021 15:30

Then stop accepting people’s friends requests. Why would you accept then unfollow.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 16/10/2021 15:31

Are you seriously asking if you are cold on the basis of whether or not you follow people on FB?

Surely OP surely you know that this isn’t a pre requisite of a “warm” person. Surely Confused

CocaColaTruck1 · 16/10/2021 15:31

I wouldn't bother accepting people then to just unfollow.
Leave their request pending if you don't want
To decline

AliceinBorderland · 16/10/2021 15:33

@Bluntness100

Then stop accepting people’s friends requests. Why would you accept then unfollow.
I was going to say that. Also why not just say you don't go on Facebook very much rather than tell her you un followed her.

That you don't use it would be easy to explain seeing as never like her photos.

Easy to spare some feelings even if caring about SM is a bit needy.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 16/10/2021 15:33

Who is the upset friend by the way?
The person who has given birth?

balernobetty · 16/10/2021 15:33

How you use your SM is totally your choice, YANBU.
It might make it easier to not accept friends requests in the future though

ThePoisonousMushroom · 16/10/2021 15:34

What’s the point in being friends with them if you don’t follow them? Probably best just declining the friend invitations.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 15:34

@takenforgrantednana
@Bluntness100

I admit that I do know the person. I have met them plenty of times in a group for coffee before Covid. If I saw them out shopping, I’d stop for a brief chat.

I just wouldn’t class them as a friend who I’d call on.

I never add people personally. But if someone friend requests me and I know them as above, I feel rude ignoring that request. Not arguing that your idea isn’t better now though.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 15:35

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Are you seriously asking if you are cold on the basis of whether or not you follow people on FB?

Surely OP surely you know that this isn’t a pre requisite of a “warm” person. Surely Confused

Of course. But the accusation has stung.
OP posts:
Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 15:36

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Who is the upset friend by the way? The person who has given birth?
Upset person is friend. Acquaintance who I didn’t congratulate is her sister.
OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 16/10/2021 15:36

You are not cold and selfish. Even if I had been aware that a FB friend who was just an acquaintance had a baby I would not send a card.

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