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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I cold and selfish?

62 replies

DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 15:19

A friend’s relative has had a baby. I would call that person more of an acquaintance.

I didn’t realise that this person had given birth. In fact, I didn’t know she was pregnant. The reason is that, whilst I do have her on my FB as a friend, I have unfollowed her. Hence, I didn’t send a card or even a FB message. (I have now byw).

If someone I know adds me as a friend on FB, I generally accept. But I feel not an ounce of interest in their updates so I unfollow everyone. I only ‘follow’ and receive updates for my siblings. Nearly every one of my ‘50’ FB friends is shut off. So realistically I receive updates for around 2 people and a lot of my interests e.g. Gatorland.

Anyway, I tried to explain this to upset friend, who didn’t respond as expected and was horrified that I unfollow everyone. I had showed her my phone to prove this. She accused me of being cold and selfish, and that clearly I have no interest in anyone but myself.

I’m a little hurt by this. Am I unreasonable unfollowing everyone? Am I unreasonable for not noticing therefore that friends relative had a baby. I mean, she could have called and told me?!

Just for information, I rarely post myself (last post was a pic of something I made a year ago) and don’t give two hoots if anyone replies.

OP posts:
Reallyimeanreally2022 · 16/10/2021 15:36

Has this friend never mentioned her sister was pregnant to you?

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 16/10/2021 15:36

Absolutely how close are you to the friend?

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 15:37

Just to add. I’ve been out with friend twice since lockdown eased and neither time did she mention the pregnancy.

OP posts:
Reallyimeanreally2022 · 16/10/2021 15:38

Mumsnet never ever ceases to amaze me

Grown-assed women, friends no less, actually having a tiff about Facebook following etiquette, and the friend calling the other one “cold and selfish” Confused

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 15:39

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Absolutely how close are you to the friend?
We are long term friends. Caught up about 6 times a year before Covid.
OP posts:
SiliconHeaven · 16/10/2021 15:41

Sorry OP but this is hilarious, someone who thinks they have a say in what you do on Facebook. Take no notice.
Remind her that Facebook algorithms are a bit of a mystery too, you might not have seen it even if you were following her.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 16/10/2021 15:44

It’s all odd
That she didn’t tell you
That she told you that you’re cold and selfish for not following people on FB
And for you asking if this is true

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 15:44

Thank you all for your feedback.
I was confused to think it was an issue and hurt to be accused.

I’ve sent a card. Im just going to leave it now and hopefully she’ll forget about it too.

OP posts:
SickAndTiredAgain · 16/10/2021 15:45

Anyway, I tried to explain this to upset friend

Your friend was already upset that you didn’t congratulate her sister, is that right? She was actually upset by this? That’s weird before you even get to the cold comment. When I gave birth I don’t think I noticed whether more distant friends/acquaintances said congrats. I replied to the ones who did, but I didn’t notice who didn’t.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 15:48

@Reallyimeanreally2022

It’s all odd That she didn’t tell you That she told you that you’re cold and selfish for not following people on FB And for you asking if this is true
It is odd that I wasn’t told in person on the few occasions we’ve actually met up. I don’t understand this at all. I’m really, very confused why she just wouldn’t mention it.

The cold and selfish bit. I guess I was trying to find out whether my SM behaviour is really that unusual that it should reflect on my character…or whether we all do this. Rather than my original question, which was posted when I was feeling a little emotional.

OP posts:
AliceinBorderland · 16/10/2021 15:48

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Mumsnet never ever ceases to amaze me

Grown-assed women, friends no less, actually having a tiff about Facebook following etiquette, and the friend calling the other one “cold and selfish” Confused

It is strange. My best friends and I don't interact on SM and some of us aren't on it. We talk in the real world. I would tell a friend what happened to me rather than hope they saw it on facebook
Michaelangelo467 · 16/10/2021 15:53

Your friend probably thought you knew about her sister’s pregnancy and thought it odd that you didn’t mention it yourself.

It does seem odd to accept a friend request and then unfollow them immediately. And why tell your friend that?

BoredZelda · 16/10/2021 15:55

You can “do” social media whichever way you want. I can’t understand why you’d add someone and then immediately unfollow them, isn’t that saying “I want you to see my posts but I’m not interested in yours”? but it is entirely up to you how you do it.

Holidaytan · 16/10/2021 15:57

I unfollow all my ‘friends’ bar 1 or 2. I use f/b for groups/events mainly and don’t want to trawl through all the crap people post.

BoredZelda · 16/10/2021 15:57

Mumsnet never ever ceases to amaze me

The only thing that never ceases to amaze me is that people think “Mumsnet” is one homogeneous thing full of people who behave and think in ways that nobody who isn’t on mumsnet does.

I can guarantee this kind of FB stuff goes on between people who are not on mumsnet.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 15:58

@Michaelangelo467

Your friend probably thought you knew about her sister’s pregnancy and thought it odd that you didn’t mention it yourself.

It does seem odd to accept a friend request and then unfollow them immediately. And why tell your friend that?

Well, it just didn’t seem a big deal to me. I said

‘I’m sorry I must have missed that! I don’t follow anyone on FB, I just use it for my holiday groups, so I wouldn’t have seen her update’

If someone has said that to me, I would have said ‘ahh! no problem’.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 16/10/2021 15:58

I unfollow all my ‘friends’ bar 1 or 2. I use f/b for groups/events mainly and don’t want to trawl through all the crap people post.

Why would you have them on your FB if you do this?

WanderleyWagon · 16/10/2021 15:59

YANBU. At all.

FangsForTheMemory · 16/10/2021 15:59

Goodness, it's YOUR FB account. I once had a falling out with someone and unfriended her on FB. My god, the fucking drama that ensued. I barely use FB anyway but you'd have thought I'd had her arrested or something.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 16/10/2021 16:00

@FangsForTheMemory

Goodness, it's YOUR FB account. I once had a falling out with someone and unfriended her on FB. My god, the fucking drama that ensued. I barely use FB anyway but you'd have thought I'd had her arrested or something.
Confused
OP posts:
Reallyimeanreally2022 · 16/10/2021 16:01

Yes but for many of us, these kind of exchanges are not something that we have ever engaged in, or been even vaguely aware of anyone else being engaged in a similar situation
Mumsnet is my window in to another world!

girlmom21 · 16/10/2021 16:03

I wouldn't expect my friends sibling to congratulate me on my baby but I also don't see the point in having Facebook friends if you have no interest in anything about them.

Theflying19 · 16/10/2021 16:03

I do that. I've unfollowed everyone pretty much! Social media is there for your convenience not for everyone else's in your life.

SentDeliveredRead · 16/10/2021 16:04

Bloody hell, what you decide to do is up to you not anyone else

ThePoisonousMushroom · 16/10/2021 16:04

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Yes but for many of us, these kind of exchanges are not something that we have ever engaged in, or been even vaguely aware of anyone else being engaged in a similar situation Mumsnet is my window in to another world!
As most people (everyone) have said the OP’s friend is batshit, I don’t think this is a MN thing.