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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a Scrooge? How much to spend of Christmas presents?

76 replies

TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine · 16/10/2021 13:58

So this year finances are tighter than previously as am working shorter hours (health related). No idea if will be temporary or permanent, but have basically lost 40% of my income from 6 months ago. Normally I spend a lot on Christmas, but I simply can’t this year. I’ve had great suggestions on here for more ethical gifts, but hadn’t realised how very much more expensive they would be! I’m busy recalibrating my expectations, and part of that is spending. I was thinking of spending about £15-£20 each on family and children of friends, and just bottles of wine for a couple of close friends (£10 ish each). Maybe £250 in total, including my offspring. I mentioned this to a close family member, and they have basically accused me of being tight-fisted and a bit selfish, as I could spend more but don’t want to as would mean having to use my savings and they are for emergencies. Am I being unreasonable? Is £20 each not enough? For reference they mostly all earn well and are quite middle class (unlike my working class self!) so maybe I am out of order by their standards?

OP posts:
Tittyfilarious81 · 16/10/2021 16:19

[quote CrapAtThis]Here’s Martin Lewis’ thoughts on it. I agree totally with him.

[/quote] He's absolutely right I'm relieved to get off that treadmill this year
Caspianberg · 16/10/2021 16:27

I would stop loads of those gifts tbh.

For everyone else tell them for both your budget and environmental reasons your going to be doing a homemade family gift only in future.

Give each family homemade cake/ brownies. Don’t forget to make spare for yourselves. Bon appetit.

Honestly, we can buy so much stuff ourselves now whenever. I really don’t need or what any more ‘stuff’. I would really really love some homemade sausage rolls/ cake/ mince pies just dropped by at some point in December. No need to wrap.

Original poster
TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine · 16/10/2021 16:32

That Martin Lewis video is really interesting. I’d never considered it that way. It really is something I feel expected to do because everyone does it and I don’t want to seem mean. But it’s also something I’ve enjoyed and I’ve never considered that I might make someone else feel forced. Thank you for sharing that x

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 16/10/2021 16:42

I seriously don’t buy presents for wide ranging people. Mainly my DH, DD and DM. Other than that it’s a few nieces and nephews but not siblings and friends. Not my dad or step mum Who needs a bottle of wine or gift set which is essentially what it would be. Adults seriously don’t need to do this to each other.

Nieceregge · 16/10/2021 16:52

I buy some extended family a nice bag of ground coffee and florentine’s most Christmas’s, fits nicely in a bottle bag. My aunt loves it, was cheesed off the year I did something else. £6-10 depending on coffee and biscuits. This year was about a fiver as I’m short too. I think is very unreasonable for you to be expected to dip into your savings. A friend a few years ago said she wasn’t doing Christmas presents for anyone other than the young children. Wish I’d had the nerve to join in. She prefers to buy a nice birthday gift. I find Christmas gifts enormously stressful, I’m cutting back this year, even the grandchildren (by request of parents) are just getting a token gift and we are going to have a nice family day out somewhere next year when hopefully the pandemic is over.

upinaballoon · 16/10/2021 17:09

@TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine

So this year finances are tighter than previously as am working shorter hours (health related). No idea if will be temporary or permanent, but have basically lost 40% of my income from 6 months ago. Normally I spend a lot on Christmas, but I simply can’t this year. I’ve had great suggestions on here for more ethical gifts, but hadn’t realised how very much more expensive they would be! I’m busy recalibrating my expectations, and part of that is spending. I was thinking of spending about £15-£20 each on family and children of friends, and just bottles of wine for a couple of close friends (£10 ish each). Maybe £250 in total, including my offspring. I mentioned this to a close family member, and they have basically accused me of being tight-fisted and a bit selfish, as I could spend more but don’t want to as would mean having to use my savings and they are for emergencies. Am I being unreasonable? Is £20 each not enough? For reference they mostly all earn well and are quite middle class (unlike my working class self!) so maybe I am out of order by their standards?
Maybe you are out of order by their standards, in which case blow their standards. You do right not to dip into savings which are for emergencies. You are not asking the close relation to bail you out financially. You are living within your means. This is a GOOD THING and bodes well for your future. You will spend your life subsidising prats who ---- it all up the wall, but it doesn't sound as if you'll put yourself into a state of anxiety. £2.59 each adult on your list and £11.16 for each child, no more. I haven't read the other answers yet. I just replied to your first one. You are not being unreasonable. I shout at the radio and TV when I hear that some people put themselves into debt over Christmas spending.
upinaballoon · 16/10/2021 17:17

It's heartening to read the replies on here. There really are some sensible folk about.

BananaPB · 16/10/2021 17:18

The person who said you're right is awful. I'd hate it if someone overstretched themselves to get a gift for me. I'd rather no gift so that they had one less thing to worry about. £15-£20 is plenty for a thoughtful gift but I think that you should consider asking people not to exchange gifts rather than spend money on them this year. If they love you, they'll understand

BananaPB · 16/10/2021 17:20

The person who said you're tight is awful. Autocorrect seems to insist on "right"

BeMoreQueer · 16/10/2021 17:30

Id rather you spent time with me than money you couldn’t afford

A grown adult being a brat about the monetary of their Christmas present should be ashamed

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/10/2021 17:36

@Notaroadrunner

Just tell them all you are not exchanging gifts. That way you don't buy for anyone and you don't get anything in return. It's that simple. You can then buy something for yourself for a lot less money that you actually want/need instead of receiving gifts you might not even like. You can't be forced into buying for anyone. It really astounds me how people get so wound up about trying to say they want to stop buying gifts or cut down. The people you are buying for cannot dictate what you spend so to hell what family members say. You're not being tight.
I agree with this one. It's much nicer to meet up with people after the pandemic than it is to rush around the shops trying to find inexpensive gifts people will actually need or want. Tell everyone now (before they buy anything) you are not doing presents this year and will be donating to charity and you do not require gifts in return. Then after a donation, use the rest for your own small family. Why should you let Christmas derail your spending plan at a difficult time?
Blackopal · 16/10/2021 17:39

Time to cull the present list.
I was in ridiculous situation where I was buying over 25 children presents.
I have now reduced that to 7 and much happier for it (as I suspect are the recipient parents, as of course they now don't have to buy for mine!).

TheDuchessOfBeddington · 16/10/2021 22:14

@TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine

Secret Santa is such a good idea!
We have started doing this for adults in my family. We do a limit of £50 and ask what people want in advance.

This was you get one really good gift that you actually need rather than a bunch of cheap tat.

It’s worked so well and I’m now spending £50 rather than the £300 that I was.

Feedingthebirds1 · 16/10/2021 22:34

[quote TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine]@Hayup I normally buy her high end makeup, think she’s a bit peeved that she’ll have to buy her own this year![/quote]
And just out of interest, what does she normally buy for you? (Not that I'm getting at you at all OP, only that people who have those sort of expectations often give the cheapest gifts while waiting for a shower of expensive goodies from others.)

Snoozer11 · 16/10/2021 23:05

That close family member can fuck right off! The bloody cheek of some people.

Spend what you can comfortably afford and not a penny more. Spend £10 max on children of friends.

Gingerkittykat · 16/10/2021 23:13

[quote TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine]@Hayup I normally buy her high end makeup, think she’s a bit peeved that she’ll have to buy her own this year![/quote]
What does she normally buy for you and your kids? Tell her to put that money towards make up.

I wouldn't frame it as a question, just tell her you have decided not to buy adult gifts this year and that you don't want any gifts in return.

CurryLover55 · 16/10/2021 23:57

We have cut our present list right down to me & DH, DD12, DM & DF, BIL & SIL, DB & DSIL, one great nephew ( other nephews & nieces are over 18 so don’t receive presents) & Secret Santa at my work. DH & I spend around £100 on each other & between £100 & £150 on DD but everyone else is max £25. £5 for Secret Santa!

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 17/10/2021 00:09

I send that Martin Lewis video to so many people every year, it's so true. So many people nowadays see Christmas as a time for materialistic gain.
@TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine You have lost 40% of your income over an extended period, that has a serious impact. I can see from your updates that you've already agreed with one friend not to exchange gifts and they took it perfectly well. Do that with all of your friends and family. You will very quickly find out who cares about your well-being and happiness! If you were my friend I would hate to think you spent money on me while you were struggling, I'd much rather spend quality time with a friend (which is free!) than receive a physical gift.

Springplanting · 17/10/2021 01:00

yadnbu

Martin Lewis says every year don't spend out on unnecessary gifts for those people to then feel they have to match you on things eithedr people dont want or cant afford..

Just do your kids close friends not the wider world. Make a budget and list accordingly. stick to it.

Springplanting · 17/10/2021 01:01

ffs, should read your kids, close friends and family. not their offspring too.

TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons · 17/10/2021 01:02

We're skint so £20 per person.

Springplanting · 17/10/2021 01:08

i buy for immediate family only. post about 5 cards. it is not any less festive but it is within budget.

foxgoosefinch · 17/10/2021 12:12

You already sound more than generous sand your family member is awful and grabby!

I’d arrange with your friends to give edible things and just small things for kids. How old are the friends’ children? Cheap but lovely things include a book and a Lindt teddy or similar - not more than £10 and you can get cheap books for a couple of pounds from The Works, Books2Door or an Amazon 2 for £7 offer and it still makes a lovely present. Bath bombs too, hot chocolate stirrers or a selection box - what’s not to like!

As for adults, I love a jar of homemade chutney or jam, or a cake or biscuits!

In my family we now only buy for the children plus a token edible gift for adults like a bottle of fizz, a pannetone or a tin of biscuits. I do get a few small things for friends’ children (mostly DD’s friends), but they are not expensive - mostly book or sweets or something small as above, or DD makes some biscuits or tree decorations.

I love giving presents but small tokens are mor than fine and actually more appreciated than larger things I find, as they don’t create any anxiety or expectations about reciprocity or value, and then everyone can enjoy the nice surprise of getting a small but thoughtful thing!

Youseethethingis · 17/10/2021 13:14

Well that cotton headed ninnymuggins of a relative has saved you £20 for a start, since you won't want to foist your sub standard gift on them now.

Murdoch1949 · 17/10/2021 16:19

Definitely cull the family member who gave the poor response from the gift list permanently. Your £15/20 was generous for presents anyway, though you have obviously spent more in the past. A gift is just that, a gift, whether it's a £4 tin of Quality Street or a Harrod's hamper. Anyone receiving a gift needs to accept it for what it is, not it's value. Sadly you may have people on your gift list who have grown to accept expensive gifts from you, this is the year to change their expectations. If they are unhappy it says more about them than you. Set your gift limits and then stick to them in the future. Life will become easier.