How do you stick up for yourself when someone is disrespectful to you?

[coodawoodashooda]

Looking for tips. I consider myself to be very strong, tolerant, independent and capable but far too regularly i think I've been played for a fool. Please give me tips on how to quietly make my point without escalating the situation.

"What makes you think that" "what gives you that impression?" "Ah, a common misconception, but no it's actually xxxxxx"
"I'm happy to clear that up for you, if you'd give me a moment to clarify the situation"

"I could explain why youre wrong, but I don't think you're open to hearing it"

If someone is disrespectful to you why would you bother continuing any kind of conversation with them?

I've always found that the way to not escalate a situation is to not allow it to become even more personal, or to personally attack them, but to challenge what they have said, sometimes I can be a little more polite than others.

Asking, what gives you that impression, why would you think that? Is often enough to stop someone in their tracks. The chances are they'll back up. If they expect you to not let it slide, generally they move on. They don't gain their power from you taking their shit.

Oh or, sorry, what do you mean? And keep eye contact. Expect a response. Move back, say oh. Well bye then in a breezy tone. If they were trying to be rude, and they've had to explain themselves, and you're not really bothered by their response, it's your super power. You're untouchable.

I hope you manage to nip this in the bud quickly.

A few days ago, someone made a remark to me that appeared a subtle but definite put-down. Instead of challenging them and probably getting the 'can't you take a joke?' response, I just looked directly at them and said nothing.

Their backing off told me I had been right, but I have to admit it has taken me many years to recognise and thus refuse to put up with disrespect like this. What situations in particular would you like help with, coodawoodashooda?

Eye contact. Straight face. Very effective.

@AnyFucker

Eye contact. Straight face. Very effective.

Then what?

Depends in which way. If someone’s speaking to me like crap I look them in the eyes and ask ‘who do you think you’re talking to’?

Following with interest.

Then what?

Hold still with your fuck you face and wait for them to back down and either apologise or forced to change subject - knowing that you won't play their game.

Two words, 'fuck off'

Also following with interest.

What I've found works is sticking to the point you're trying to make and don't get pulled in to side issues. Unless someone is a sociopath they will listen.

It would depend what the situation was.
I think there are different responses for different scenarios.

A lot of the time silence and being the bigger person is sticking up for yourself.

It's taken years of therapy to realise that standing up for myself is a good thing and not to be confused with aggressive/inconsiderate behaviour/associating it with the worry that the other person will beat me up.

Would you like to explain that in greater depth?

I've got no time for that kind of behaviour and generally will just ignore it.

If I feel the situation really needs dealt with I find staring them directly in the face without speaking usually makes them back off.

It seems to work as people rarely do it twice.

Always put the point straight back to them so they have to justify what they said.
Eg. Could you explain why you think/said that?

It gives you time to decide if the person was being rude and if they were being rude it puts them on the back foot while they decide how far to push their point.

Then what?

Then don’t give it/them any more of your attention

"Sorry what?! That sounded quite disrespectful/rude I'm sure that's not what meant, excuse me can you elaborate please"

It's really hard.
I was once in a situation where I had to challenge someone ( professionally) and felt so strongly about how I had been treated that I did the ' look at them directly and wait for a reply'

I was met with a chair swivel and their back. They just kept looking at their screen.

I have since resigned.

Shine a light on it technique

Ive learnt the hard way not to ignore it,not to give the benefit of the doubt not to rise above it .... this only signals that you're a doormat.
Instead, ask them "i feel like you're not respectful. Is that your intention ?"

They will probably say "oh gosh no, no"

Take them at their word and graciously say im so glad". And say no more*

If they say i dont respect you no, then say one of the following

It would be more professional to hide your feelings.

You need to make me aware of your feelings.

Im not in the market for an adversary so please redirect the disrespect

Hopefully they dont say "yeh im disrespecting you. Hopefully they say "oh no no" but be prepared.

It honestly depends who it was.

But a good one is the ‘sorry, what?’ And then stare at them in silence. Silence is a massive negotiation tool. Invariably People want to fill that silence

@IComeInPeace

Shine a light on it technique

Ive learnt the hard way not to ignore it,not to give the benefit of the doubt not to rise above it .... this only signals that you're a doormat.
Instead, ask them "i feel like you're not respectful. Is that your intention ?"

They will probably say "oh gosh no, no"

Take them at their word and graciously say im so glad". And say no more*

If they say i dont respect you no, then say one of the following

It would be more professional to hide your feelings.

You need to make me aware of your feelings.

Im not in the market for an adversary so please redirect the disrespect

Hopefully they dont say "yeh im disrespecting you. Hopefully they say "oh no no" but be prepared.

I've learned that the hard way too.

I've learnt over the years to always confront things. Never shy away. This gives the person license to do it again. The direct look without saying a word can be really effective. Also giving them direct eye contact with a dead pan face and saying, i beg your pardon, can you repeat that. You would be surprised how many people then go on to stutter and back track. Also call it out as disrespect as a previous poster said. If all else fails go for a down right insult or laugh at them. Someone at work recently said a sort of jokey/not jokey remark to me recently about my appearance in front of others. I laughed out loud in a mocking way, looked her up and down and said, "have you actually looked in a mirror lately" She was mortified. Her nastiness totally back fired on her and I have a feeling she will think twice before crossing me again. Stand your ground OP, don't let them away with it. Make sure the first time they do it becomes their last.

It depends on the situation.

The 3Cs are very useful at putting it back on people. Confused, concerned, curious. I find framing something into a C also makes you clearer on the issue.

To make a point - I am concerned that if we do xyz that abc will happen.

Someone says something odd - I'm curious about what you've just said. Could you expand on it more?

Someone says contradictory things - I'm a bit confused. You said this but also this. Obviously you don't mean that and I'm missing something. Could you clarify.

Put the effort back on them to justify what they've said.

Our new CFO is fantastic at this sort of thing. People will tell him stuff. He'll reflect back, in simple terms, what he's heard. But he also uses it to highlight hollow or flawed arguments. Eg so you're saying your travel is more important than this big body of work we have to do over here. Usually met with oh no, I don't mean that and a rethink.