How do you stick up for yourself when someone is disrespectful to you?

[coodawoodashooda]

Looking for tips. I consider myself to be very strong, tolerant, independent and capable but far too regularly i think I've been played for a fool. Please give me tips on how to quietly make my point without escalating the situation.

I have found the best way to deal with it is to act as if you have something else on your mind, then look at them with a warm, friendly smile say 'oh I'm so sorry, was in a world of my own, what did you say?' Most people, if just being snide, will say 'nothing' and back off. Kill the situation with kindness.

Who recommended that do you fucking mind podcaster?! Ive listenned to about 4 of them. I like her.

@ktb19 i really enjoyed the one about boundaries too because she really acknowledges that it's not just having a line and honoring it, it's also that inner sense of yourself, not noticing and not caring and certainly not prioritising what other people think. Not having a reaction to their reaction to your boundary.

I can see that thats where i went wrong with my mother. I implemented a boundary. She had a martyred angry indignant reaction to my boundary so i thought "boundaries dont work! Boundaries arent allowed!" But also there was an element of my reaction to her reaction becoming the issue. Like a magicians sleight of hand, my hurt reaction to her indignant reaction to my boundary took centre stage in her narrative.

This is only something im figuring out at 51.

Not sure if this is quite the thing you’re looking for OP but last week after a (very minor) altercation in a car park during which I’d said nothing offensive at all, I was told to “fuck off you fat bitch”. I looked at the woman saying it to me and all the personal comments I could have made back to her about HER looks and then I just thought…why? I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant with my first child, have just exchanged on my dream house, am in a stable and loving relationship with my partner and have a good job and good friends, and was about to have a lovely day out shopping with my mum. I don’t have that venom in me right now. Clearly something was going on with her that forced her to be so unpleasant, or she just generally is a shitty person which is its own punishment in a way.
So I just laughed and said “does that make you feel a bit better about yourself? I hope your day improves, clearly it’s been a shitty one!” and walked off. She may still have been really pleased with herself for insulting me but on the other hand she may have felt a bit sheepish about it, hopefully the latter!
But yes - if the disrespect is in the form of nasty comments I tend to ask very calmly if they feel better now they’ve got that off their chest. It’s quite effective!

When someone insists their rudeness was a joke, say

Many a true word was spoken in jest.

It's polite whilst getting the point across.

This has all been really helpful. That podcast is a really interesting listen too.

Why do you think it is acceptable to speak to me in such a disrespectful tone of voice? Make them the one to feel uncomfortable…they back off very quickly and if you are lucky they will apologise!

I have been working on the "do you feel better about yourself now?" Quite deadpan, low tone no raising of voice or sarcasm. And a slight tilt to the head. It has taken the wind out of a certain catty persons sails for now. But I'm not sure how long term that will work for

I am generally thought to be lovely at work but it would be acknowledged that no one would be an arse to me. I will name the discomfort first time - god that felt rude/hold it no invite for me?/ is there anyone else you can offer to make a drink for while missing me out?/ oops didn’t you see me - hello … that kind of thing.
I also don’t ever smile if I am unsure - that straight face is a great thing and socially women are expected to smile discomfort away so when you won’t then it tends to bring change. I am also the person who says what people want to - not in a I speak the truth way but in a everyone thinks this but if the project is shit but won’t say to big boss - I will just go and ask for a chat about it.
I also network effectively and make links above and below modelling a caring / chatty approach to both the cleaner and the chief executive - everyone likes a bit of nurture.

Swear too - if people perceive you can be a bit wild here and there they worry what could bounce back if they start with you.

Practise saying no, fuck no and also laughing something off like it’s an irrelevance, even if you are pissed off.

Get the biggest arses to do things for you - it doesn’t matter what, invade their body space occasionally and make some jokes that seem to be shared. It’s power play but works on most.

Ultimately don’t give a shit - if it’s them not you the. Sometimes that will happen. Be good at what you do and who you are and you will thrive. I really dislike the kind of people who are nice to me but a shit to lovely so and so who is great but gentle so a target for their meanness. Look out for these people - they are the ones to never trust. They lack something important. Never get involved with work friendships with this type - it will always go wrong.

@TheRealBettySpaghetti

Eye contact. Straight face. Very effective.

Then what?

Depends on the situation but silence and a Paddington bear hard stare can be effective. However I usually say 'What did you just say to me?' or 'Excuse me! Did I just head you correctly?' Something like that. Most get wrong footed and start stuttering an apology or get defensive and upset and start grumbling about me not having a 'sense of humour'. However in both they have been called out and they don't do it again.

This. Deadpan.

Silence often works wonder too. People fall over themselves to fill the gap and often trip themselves up if they're being an arse.

As a 'then what' if needed I would go down the 'I'm confused' route. 'I'm not sure I understood you correctly just then, could you clarify/explain?' etc. Making someone explain exactly what they meant (when what they meant was to be rude or disrespectful) takes the wind straight out of their sails. Unless they're just out and out horrible in which case I wouldn't engage any further after telling them I think they're rude! In a work setting 'that's extremely rude. This will not continue when you're speaking with me, are we clear? Good'.

Also as an aside when I was much younger (I'm 37 now) I was much feistier and would likely have gone down the route of telling someone to just fuck off and I wouldn't have batted an eyelid at doing it.

It's not the best way though. You can still take zero shit from people without being confrontational or aggressive (or rude yourself!).

Don't sink to their level.

@AmandaHoldensLips

If someone is disrespectful to you why would you bother continuing any kind of conversation with them?

This.

Toxic people are not worth my time and are cut out immediately.

That's probably the best way.

I came across it on my Spotify account. She is brilliant and I have actually listened to it a few times because once is not enough when you are trying to change how you do things.

I listen to her on my way to work.

'Did you mean to be so disrespectful?' Is usually effective.