to ask when to bring up kids timelines on dates when I'm 37

[StartingAgain33]

I'm pretty sure I want kids and, due to sad life circumstances I'd rather not go into, haven't had them yet.

I realise time is running out, and I'm trying to manage the panic about that. It mostly works, but I notice dating really brings it up.

I'm so nervous of looking desperate that I find it hard to directly ask the kids question, but at the same time I don't want to waste my time. Or, I touch on the issue with a guy who gives a slightly fluffy answer and then don't want to probe any more as it feels too invasive. I have stayed with wishy washy guys for too long in the past.

Now, I've had two dates with someone who is 36. He says he would like nothing more than to meet the woman to have kids with. But at the same time he's not long moved to my city for career reasons, and said he would want to move back to the countryside if he had kids. So he's not going to want to move back in a couple of years if he has lots of career stuff to do. He also says he wants to be in the right financial position. These things make me nervous as I probs need to start thinking of kids in the next couple of years and sounds like he still has lots to do, but I don't know if I should directly broach this with him? I'm worried about putting him off, but also what does it matter if he doesn't have the same intentions anyway?

I don't understand why I find it so hard to talk about. It's just so awkward!

For background, I don't seem to find it hard to get dates, blokes generally want to see me again, etc so it's probably silly that I attach to people and hang on to them when I could theoretically find someone more sure on the kids thing. I guess I just wonder, is a bloke ever going to be that sure on timelines when they have all the time in the world? I also don't like giving up nice connections because of this one thing but I guess it's a big one.

Now, I've had two dates with someone who is 36. He says he would like nothing more than to meet the woman to have kids with. But at the same time he's not long moved to my city for career reasons, and said he would want to move back to the countryside if he had kids. So he's not going to want to move back in a couple of years if he has lots of career stuff to do. He also says he wants to be in the right financial position. These things make me nervous as I probs need to start thinking of kids in the next couple of years and sounds like he still has lots to do, but I don't know if I should directly broach this with him? I'm worried about putting him off, but also what does it matter if he doesn't have the same intentions anyway?

You’ve had two dates. That’s way too much overthinking for two dates.

A good friend of ours met his partner when he was 40 and she was 41. He has always wanted children and - just before meeting her - told us he was trying to come to terms with the fact he would never be a dad. Then he met his partner online, and she brought it up on their second date! So they discussed it and ended up going through IVF privately, resulting in her becoming pregnant before they had even been together three months! They now have a four year old and are a great couple and brilliant parents. Obviously we were a bit concerned about the speed this all happened but we needn’t have been - our friend is a really lovely, caring man who would always have supported a child even if it didn’t work out, and she has since told us that she had been openly saying what she wanted on dates for a while and if she got a “freak out” she knew not to waste any more of her time. She was completely financially independent, had her own home and business etc and said she wanted to know upfront where a man was in his life before she invested time into it. I actually really admire her in a lot of ways!

I guess I’m telling you this story so you know that not all men will freak out and that it’s okay to be upfront with what you want! Good luck ❤️

If kids are your priority, then get that out there soon. You don't want to waste time on someone whose timelines don't align with yours and if they are put off by you being forward about it, then it's unlikely you will make it, long term. I watched a show recently about how couples met and there was a pair who had met at about the life stage you're at - they discussed kids on their first date and went into the relationship knowing that was a priority for them made them motivated to make things work.

Thanks @WorryMcGee, stories like this give me hope... I need to learn to be brave like your friend.

Nothing wrong with being honest to yourself. If kids are the most important thing in your future then why waste another date on someone who doesn't have the same priorities.

It’s the curse of women, we have a limited time, he does not. You need to be bold, he can afford to wait for these things. I absolutely don’t blame you for over thinking, but try and give it until date 5 until you start thinking of these things. You need to k ow you like home for you first.

After a few dates you can probe whether they want children and what their timeline is. Someone saying they want to establish a career first is not planning to settle down to fatherhood anytime soon. Someone saying they want kids in the 30’s is.

But the course of the relationship and their circumstances will define whether this happens or not. You are not going to get a commitment you can take to the bank.

The person who wanted to wait might and often do change their minds as their feeling for their partner develops.

It might be worth doing a fertilty check and freezing your eggs

Aww really hard @StartingAgain33 I do think it's ok to bring it up after a couple of months of dating. You're really unlikely to get the kind of answer you want after a few dates because they don't really know you. If they really like you and see the relationship progressing they are going to be more open to discussing it and most men aren't silly they will understand why you're asking and not waste your time!

I was someone who always desperately wanted kids and at a certain point I just decided it's better to be open about it early and get it out of the way rather than getting anxious and wasting time. You don't need to give off 'gimme sperm any sperm' vibes just be clear that kids sooner rather than later are part of the plan and you are hoping to meet someone on the same wavelength.

Be bold. If he's not ready and that scares him away your timelines are not aligned and you would move on anyway surely?

Have you done any fertility checks? Considered the egg freezing route? As PP said, it is maybe a good idea to do that now.

You'll always gets the stories from people who has kids over 40, but the percentage is less than 5, I think. It might actually be less than 1% successful. I'd need to double check.

If this is your priority then this guy doesnt sound like the one to be seeing, but you need to speak to him rather than just not see him again.

When he told you the list of things he wants in place before kids, what did you say?
Does he know your age? I think most men in this day and age know that of they want children with a woman currently aged 37, they simply don't have time for the 5/10 year plan to get everything else sorted first.

One woman on here said she put in her online Bio that having a family and committed relationship was her goal - she said it weeded out time wasters.

I was open from the start with DH - for the right man, you can discuss it on date 1. If you are afraid to mention it - then he is not the right guy.

This is such a hard situation OP you have my full sympathy.

So, firstly - are you having/ have you had counselling? I really recommend it, it is a safe space to talk this all through so that it doesn't filter through to your dates! The reality is that your date - two dates in - can't help solve these issues.

there are not many men who are going to want to discuss having kids with someone a few dates in - and you are also not focusing on the real task, to find someone you want to spend your life with

It sounds like you are so focused on the issue of kids that you are not noticing the man in front of you for who he is - this is a life partner you are talking about - the first step is to fall in love.

At 37 it is true you are in last stage territory - but at the moment you are putting all the impetus onto the man - have you thought of doing this alone? I Have a friend who is 44 and was in your position - she has just kept on going looking for the man and you know what _ I think she would have been better using her time to have a baby on her own.

Once you have the baby you can then focus on the right man without the panic.

Anyway, just my thought - I think there has to be an element of realism here - if you met someone tomorrow and it took a year - you still might not get pregnant - you don't know the many odds here.

You could write on your dating profile - looking for serious/ settled relationshp and kids, and let that be an open fact - but how can a man seriously sit and tell you that he wants kids with you after a couple of months, let alone 2 dates?

It would be irresponsible of anyone to commit to that so early. I think you need a bit of support in real life so you can decide if you want love, or you want the baby first.

Yes, you can discuss it early on - and that's probably wise, but it really doesn't change the fact that you need time to get to know someone yourself.

If you meet a man who seems okay and says yes I will have kids - be careful you don't put that over and above discovering who he really is.

@Wondergirl100

She isnt asking them to have kids with her. She is asking if kids are something they want within the next few years. This guy for example wants to deal with his career first. He probably wont want kids for 5 to 10 years. That means he's out. No point in seeing him.
If a man says that he is also looking to have kids in the next couple years, then it's worth getting to know him.

Still really just a good idea to freeze eggs though. Or do it alone.

Hi Op, I'm going to give my story as it's a bit different to what's being suggested on here.

I was divorced at 36 and spat out on to the dating meat grinder that was OLD.
I'd had some fun dates but what became obvious quite quickly is how disinterested the men were in having a family (for myriad of reasons)...I ended up in a situationship with someone for two years who I really liked/and it was mutual however we were at the different life stages. During this time (between the ages of 36-38/39 were the most anxiety ridden of my life. Each month I kept thinking how I was wasting time (and I hindsight I was) but I was in the middle of buying a flat/changing jobs etc. so needed to sort these things out first anyway.

To cut a long story short, aged 38 I'd ended things with the man who I was in a situationship with, and decided to go at it alone. I tried IUI (intrauterine insemination) using a sperm donor and it was unsuccessful (less than 15-20% chance). This year aged 39 I did one round of IVF and was extremely lucky to get pregnant on the first try (chances were less than 30%) again using a sperm donor (and have several embryos in the freezer). I'm now 31 weeks pregnant, and looking forward to welcoming my baby boy in December. When I'm ready to date again (and I'd like to!) I can already sense the pressure is off...it'll be like dating in my 20s, as in looking for someone for me not someone to give me a family/sperm etc just take the whole dating thing easy!

For me, the 'waiting' for these men one way or another, not knowing whether we'd move in/if so get along/is he really serious etc and so on and so on
.. and also not really knowing whether the relationship would be stable enough when we do get to the TTC stage proved to be too much of a risk/gamble. I did not want to take that risk and also in an ideal situation I'd want to spend time getting to know this person ..as i have done in previous relationships ...not only for what they could do for me (ie give me a child!) because I'm the one who's running out of time. I didn't want to settle that's for sure because I was desperate (and I probably was on my dates, I couldn't help it!)

I'd advise you to go and have fertility checks done ..so that you can get a idea of what's going/be able to make informed decisions.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Have you tried Bumble OP? Because that app gets you to specify what your position and desires re children are. For example, I ticked the “Has kids” and “Doesn’t want kids” boxes, and was looking for men that had done the same. It’s a very painless way to pre- filter. For a while I tried Tinder at the same time, and found that a lot of the men who had passed me up on Bumble suddenly swiped right on there- it was reassuring to find out that it wasn’t my looks that had put them off, but rather that they were looking for someone to have a family with. But a bit of a waste of time for all concerned, I feel 🙄

I think you can discuss this early on too. I know someone who made it clear on the first date that she wanted the real deal including children. It didn’t put off one guy who already had children. They moved in together and had twins!

Plenty of Fish has that ‘wants kids/doesn’t want kids’ feature too.

Also, to the PP who mentioned that men don’t have time constraints re conception: yes and no. A major factor in infertility can be an older male partner, as sperm quality does decline with age.

@crackofdoom

Also, to the PP who mentioned that men don’t have time constraints re conception: yes and no. A major factor in infertility can be an older male partner, as sperm quality does decline with age.

Absolutely and thank you for highlighting this @crackofdoom

1/3 of infertility cases is due to the male factor age being one of them. This is the reason sperm banks don't allow men over the age of 40 (42 I believe is the cut off at the sperm bank I used) to donate due to the poor quality. Egg donation cut off is 35 in the UK if I'm correct. I also believe that I was successful due to the sperm quality of the donor that I used (I'm 39) as well my luck in genetics and just general luck!!

anthurium it’s just the patriarchy in action, isn’t it? “Oh, you poor women and your biological clocks- better bend over backwards to get that man ASAP, while we can prance around spraying our manly sperm about right til retirement age…” 🙄

OP how are you meeting these men?

One of my friends at 35 has literally the opposite problem - she doesn’t want kids, she quite open about it in her online profiles but still fairly regularly gets men asking when she would consider having kids

So I think if it’s important to you then it’s never too early to ask - your not asking to have that particular persons babies, your just checking your on the same timeline really.