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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask when to bring up kids timelines on dates when I'm 37

67 replies

StartingAgain33 · 15/10/2021 10:30

I'm pretty sure I want kids and, due to sad life circumstances I'd rather not go into, haven't had them yet.

I realise time is running out, and I'm trying to manage the panic about that. It mostly works, but I notice dating really brings it up.

I'm so nervous of looking desperate that I find it hard to directly ask the kids question, but at the same time I don't want to waste my time. Or, I touch on the issue with a guy who gives a slightly fluffy answer and then don't want to probe any more as it feels too invasive. I have stayed with wishy washy guys for too long in the past.

Now, I've had two dates with someone who is 36. He says he would like nothing more than to meet the woman to have kids with. But at the same time he's not long moved to my city for career reasons, and said he would want to move back to the countryside if he had kids. So he's not going to want to move back in a couple of years if he has lots of career stuff to do. He also says he wants to be in the right financial position. These things make me nervous as I probs need to start thinking of kids in the next couple of years and sounds like he still has lots to do, but I don't know if I should directly broach this with him? I'm worried about putting him off, but also what does it matter if he doesn't have the same intentions anyway?

I don't understand why I find it so hard to talk about. It's just so awkward!

For background, I don't seem to find it hard to get dates, blokes generally want to see me again, etc so it's probably silly that I attach to people and hang on to them when I could theoretically find someone more sure on the kids thing. I guess I just wonder, is a bloke ever going to be that sure on timelines when they have all the time in the world? I also don't like giving up nice connections because of this one thing but I guess it's a big one.

OP posts:

Witchcraftandhokum · 15/10/2021 18:47

Be honest as soon as you can. When I was internet dating I was very honest that I wouldn't date anyone with kids, a couple chose to hide the fact that they had them until a few dates in. I dumped them straight away, but it was a waste of time for everyone involved.

AnxiousPixie · 15/10/2021 18:53

Discussed on date three with husband, 8 years later now married with two kids.

Some men are mature enough to deal with the Convo, of he's not I think that tells you a lot!

Merlotmmm · 15/10/2021 19:09

Why on earth don't you ask this question early one, even before you've met? It all depends how you deliver the qn but if you say something like, If I met the right person, I'd like to have a baby within the next. X years. Does that align with your own goals?

Of course you need otter goals too but you need to be upfront.

traumatisednoodle · 15/10/2021 19:24

I'm sorry OP I just don't think this is going to work with this guy. You timescales are incompatible, I think you should really think about going it alone.

namechangetheworld · 15/10/2021 19:35

I was 24 when I met DH. Children had always been at the top of my priority list and I had brought it up by date three at the very latest. I was of the mindset that there was no point in falling in love with someone if there was absolutely no future with them, it would only make it much harder down the line.

Animood · 15/10/2021 19:40

If I were you, I'd go it alone and then look for someone after you have finished mat leave.

It's going to take the pressure off massively.

Asdawindowandglass · 15/10/2021 19:42

Any fucker can say they want kids on the second date. It doesn’t mean a lot. All you can do is get a general sense, which he’s given you.

Having concrete plans like ‘I want to do x in my career before kids’ will go out of the window if he decides you’re the one for him and if he truly wants kids one day.

It sounds like the more difficult thing will be to dump him if the relationship isn’t progressing or if he displays any kind of red flags in a few months’ time. Maybe have another check in with yourself at date 10 - have you met his friends, for example? Does he change the subject when you bring up kids or other long term stuff? Equally is he being TOO fast a mover and a future faker?

I don’t think there’s a point pressing things more now, you won’t get the reassurance you want because no one can give it, and it sounds like you need to work on yourself a bit so that you don’t need it. Maybe you need a bit of time not dating so that you’re less reliant on men?

Tereseta · 15/10/2021 19:42

I met my DH when I was late 30s and he was 40. I asked him if he wanted to get married and have kids about 3weeks in. I had a couple of glasses of wine first though! Luckily he said yes! I then had another glass and explained I was probably unable to have children and how did feel about adoption all worked out from there and I knew he was a keeper early doors. Slight disclaimer, he was a friend of a friend so slightly better chance than old that he wasn't a bad one!
Think better to get it out there early on as you need to know your on the same path! Good luck OP

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 15/10/2021 20:01

I met my partner online and we discussed it on the first date. We were both 42 So really no time to waste. We have a daughter who is nearly 2. There is no magical number of dates when it suddenly becomes acceptable. To raise the subject. Be honest and upfront about it. If the other person is too immature to have a conversation then move on. A simple - I want kids in the next 2 years, how about you… is all you need to say, it doesn’t have to be a super deep discussion, just enough to weed out the non starters

Pumasonsatsumas · 15/10/2021 20:08

Basically you don't want to waste time waiting/hoping someone great will want kids eventually. You want to find the guys who want kids soonish, and then go through that much smaller pool to find someone you like.

So yes, mention it early and unapologetically.

Snowpaw · 15/10/2021 20:09

I spoke about kids early on with my DP, as soon as it became clear we were getting a closer bond I pretty much told him, “I want kids, I’m nearly 30 I don’t want to waste my fertile years” etc. Didn’t scare him off and we’ve now got a 3 yr old! I don’t think being direct is a problem if you’re with the right person.

Musttryharder2021 · 15/10/2021 20:09

@Asdawindowandglass

Any fucker can say they want kids on the second date. It doesn’t mean a lot. All you can do is get a general sense, which he’s given you.

Having concrete plans like ‘I want to do x in my career before kids’ will go out of the window if he decides you’re the one for him and if he truly wants kids one day.

This!

YouTubeAddict · 15/10/2021 20:11

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say something along the lines of…

’I hope to have children within the next . Is this something that you see for yourself or are you hoping for a child free lifestyle?’

DH broke it to me on our second date that he’d had a vasectomy so kids weren’t a possibility (fortunately we already have three between us) However, he said he was shitting it in case I dumped him but said he felt it only fair in case I wanted to be with someone who could give them a child. I appreciated that ❤️

Eechuffingnuff · 15/10/2021 20:12

I met my partner when I was 29. I knew for my own reasons that I wanted kids within the next few years.

On our first date, within 12 hours of meeting I had explained I had split up with my previous boyfriend as he didn't want kids and that I knew I wanted 2. He always knew what he was getting into with me. He hadn't ever wanted children before me - they weren't in his life plan, but he's a committed father.

cabingirl · 15/10/2021 20:42

I think you bring it up at the point you decide to go 'exclusive' with someone.

Have fun dating - it might as well be enjoyable but don't commit to monogamy with anyone without having a chat about where you both see things going if you are going to be exclusive/monogamous.

A chat like that won't put the right person off.

But also don't waste time on anyone who says they're not sure or "might" want it later. By waste time, I mean don't let them convince you to be exclusive with them and waste your precious years when you might be better off looking for someone who is more compatible.

I told my now DH on our 2nd date that I definitely wanted kids and marriage and he told me that unfortunately he didn't. So we agreed to just be casual for as long as I wanted (as I liked him a lot and wasn't particularly taken by anyone else at the time, but I completely believed him and was still looking/ready to date somone else) then six months later he told me he'd changed his mind and wanted the whole shebang.

IsabelHerna · 19/10/2021 13:55

Hi there, I know it's now what you're asking, but I would go and have some personal fertility tests. I wish I had done this when I was younger (just turned 40). This way you'll know if you have more time or if you need to act proactively (ex freeze eggs). As for the guy... generally speaking it's hard for them to estimate accurately the time needed for those things, so don't worry too much about it.

GroggyLegs · 19/10/2021 14:12

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d run a mile being asked about kids early on in dating, I’d feel nor good enough alone but only what I would provide.

This is a fundamental question for people who are starting new relationships in their 30's.

If it makes you that skittish, you wouldn't be suitable for the OP and it would be the right question for her to ask.

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