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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask when to bring up kids timelines on dates when I'm 37

67 replies

StartingAgain33 · 15/10/2021 10:30

I'm pretty sure I want kids and, due to sad life circumstances I'd rather not go into, haven't had them yet.

I realise time is running out, and I'm trying to manage the panic about that. It mostly works, but I notice dating really brings it up.

I'm so nervous of looking desperate that I find it hard to directly ask the kids question, but at the same time I don't want to waste my time. Or, I touch on the issue with a guy who gives a slightly fluffy answer and then don't want to probe any more as it feels too invasive. I have stayed with wishy washy guys for too long in the past.

Now, I've had two dates with someone who is 36. He says he would like nothing more than to meet the woman to have kids with. But at the same time he's not long moved to my city for career reasons, and said he would want to move back to the countryside if he had kids. So he's not going to want to move back in a couple of years if he has lots of career stuff to do. He also says he wants to be in the right financial position. These things make me nervous as I probs need to start thinking of kids in the next couple of years and sounds like he still has lots to do, but I don't know if I should directly broach this with him? I'm worried about putting him off, but also what does it matter if he doesn't have the same intentions anyway?

I don't understand why I find it so hard to talk about. It's just so awkward!

For background, I don't seem to find it hard to get dates, blokes generally want to see me again, etc so it's probably silly that I attach to people and hang on to them when I could theoretically find someone more sure on the kids thing. I guess I just wonder, is a bloke ever going to be that sure on timelines when they have all the time in the world? I also don't like giving up nice connections because of this one thing but I guess it's a big one.

OP posts:

IDontLikeMondays88 · 15/10/2021 12:45

Have the people suggesting freezing eggs ever frozen their eggs? As my understanding is that it’s often not very successful but is bandied about like it is a fix all.

At over 40 even the chances of ivf being successful are very low.

anthurium · 15/10/2021 12:49

@crackofdoom

Yes it is!

I understand where Op is coming from - the 'life script of settling down is really entrenched in us...it's in films/books/our own families maybe even amongst friends/colleagues...When this isn't happening for you for one reason or another, what do you do? I needed time to reframe my mindset, it wasn't easy...I had many moments of doubt/sadness...why couldn't I meet someone like everyone else?! I had to seek out support elsewhere... Not from people telling me I'd meet someone (it was kind but meaningless as nobody could be certain of that)...I had to do something, take action even though fertility treatments aren't the panacea people seem to think they are. They are invasive, expensive and the outcomes poor regardless of the age range.

@Wondergirl100
What happened to your friend (who is 44)? Is she childless not by choice ?

BrilliantBetty · 15/10/2021 12:52

It won't be a surprise to them.
Most (not ALL, but most) want kids. Women in their mid-late 30s having to get busy fairly quickly won't be a surprise at all. It's common knowledge and expected. Frankly people tend to be more surprised if you don't want kids.
Put it out there. You could say it in a pretty matter of fact but still light way.

You know what you want. No point wasting your time. You don't have to be scary about it 'impregnate me here and now in this restaurant!!'.. but you can be clear you're looking for someone who would be open to having DC in the near-ish future. And who are relatively settled.

I'm 31 and my best friend has has many rejections because she doesn't want kids and guys the same age don't want to pursue a relationship with a woman of 31 who doesn't. Men are keen to have kids too.

CounsellorTroi · 15/10/2021 12:52

@IDontLikeMondays88

Have the people suggesting freezing eggs ever frozen their eggs? As my understanding is that it’s often not very successful but is bandied about like it is a fix all.

At over 40 even the chances of ivf being successful are very low.

And also best done before you are 35.

anthurium · 15/10/2021 12:54

@IDontLikeMondays88

Have the people suggesting freezing eggs ever frozen their eggs? As my understanding is that it’s often not very successful but is bandied about like it is a fix all.

At over 40 even the chances of ivf being successful are very low.

@IDontLikeMondays88

Correct it is advisable to freeze eggs under the age of 35. And yes, thawing of the eggs isn't as successful as is the thawing of embryos (fertilised egg and sperm). And yes IVF success rates are low...

KeepPortlandWeird · 15/10/2021 12:57

You’re not likely to meet a new date who says yes he’d like kids quite quickly in the next 2 or 3 years.

You’re better off having a baby by yourself and then finding a new relationship a couple of years later.

Rosiestraws · 15/10/2021 12:58

I haven't read the whole thread but OP are you meeting guys on dating apps? Bumble and Hinge have options to choose guys that say they want kids so that's what I've done when I've been dating- never considered anyone who didn't say they wanted kids! That weeds out a lot and makes things much easier.

I know you'll get a lot of people saying they think it's too soon to bring up kids etc on first dates but I totally disagree. I think anyone who's scared off by you bringing it up on the first date is clearly not the right person. I agree with a PP who said that anyone dating a woman of 37 is going to know it's an important thing to clarify early on.

Good luck with it all..I totally sympathise and am in a similar situation - 35 and issues with fertility I've found out as I've tried to freeze my eggs so will likely go through early menopause etc. But I'm about 3 months into a new relationship with someone who def wants kids and I knew it based on his profile before our first date and discussed it in person on the first date too! There are a lot of men out there so I don't think you should waste any time with anyone not on the same page x

sillysmiles · 15/10/2021 13:00

I dn't think it's ever too early to bring it up and make sure you are on the same page regarding having/not having kids.

But, even with a guy present and correct, you might not have kids. And you want to make sure you have the right guy not just any guy by your side if things get tough.

CRbear · 15/10/2021 13:01

I’m younger than you but I have fertility problems. I wanted to be clear with dates early on about it as you’re right I’d be wasting their time or vice versa.

I went the route of saying “being open, the right man for me (and I’m not saying that’s you yet, how could we know, its only been x amount of time) will want kids in the next 2 years” and I found that went down well. It wasn’t saying I want kids with you it was making it a trait I was looking for - like being sporty or whatever. Good luck

MRex · 15/10/2021 13:03

I think 2 dates in is a bit soon, you presumably aren't even exclusive nor sleeping with each other after just two dates. I'd leave it a few weeks, make sure this is someone you actually want to date exclusively, and bring it up then. Saying something like that if things progress and go well you'd want to have a child in the next 2-3 years. Whether the guy runs a mile or not, you then have your answer.

anthurium · 15/10/2021 13:03

@KeepPortlandWeird

You’re not likely to meet a new date who says yes he’d like kids quite quickly in the next 2 or 3 years.

You’re better off having a baby by yourself and then finding a new relationship a couple of years later.

@KeepPortlandWeird

Solo parenting is still considered 'odd' by many in real life which is shame...it isn't the same as being a single parent as there is no ex partner involved. I'm going to be one soon so I understand! But, the go to solution is keep dating ...
Yes she may meet someone but equally she may not....Op needs to decide what's more important: a child/or a relationship?

anthurium · 15/10/2021 13:09

@KeepPortlandWeird

I wanted to add I agree with you - it's difficult for people to commit so soon and be realistic about it. Also, you don't really know them and they could be future faking some with full knowledge, some without!

Noodella18 · 15/10/2021 13:09

My partner and I had the red lines chat within 2 weeks of meeting (post first snog when it was clear we liked each other.) This included whether we personally wanted to get married, whether we wanted to have kids, rough timelines on these, sex drives, town vs country desires etc. At 36 he should be mature enough to realise that this is you being practical rather than desperate and he should appreciate that about it. If he is spooked by it then it shows that those things probably aren't priorities for him and certainly not in the timescale you want, so you have you answer and can avoid wasting time. I feel for you, it's scary but you just have to bite the bullet and go for it. Good luck!

Noodella18 · 15/10/2021 13:10

I think @CRbear 's wording is really good.

Original poster

StartingAgain33 · 15/10/2021 14:41

Thanks everyone. I don't know why I feel this shame about even wanting this. I think that's what it boils down to. Admitting what I want. And opening myself up to the idea of failure.

OP posts:

Porfre · 15/10/2021 14:52

@KeepPortlandWeird

You’re not likely to meet a new date who says yes he’d like kids quite quickly in the next 2 or 3 years.

You’re better off having a baby by yourself and then finding a new relationship a couple of years later.

Sadly I agree with this- I think this is something to seriously consider.

One thing that has already been mentioned is putting in your dating profile you are hoping for kids in the near future. And also if you check some of the replies they've mentioned dating site where you can filter by whether the guy wants kids or not.

Bitofachinwag · 15/10/2021 14:55

@Noodella18

Good idea

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/10/2021 16:47

I’d run a mile being asked about kids early on in dating, I’d feel nor good enough alone but only what I would provide.

anthurium · 15/10/2021 16:55

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d run a mile being asked about kids early on in dating, I’d feel nor good enough alone but only what I would provide.

This is what my very good make friend good me of feels like when he was on a date with a woman who was 'running out of time'. He said it'd made him feel like what he could do for her rather than she was interested in getting to know him as a person (this occurred on date no 1). He said that he isn't opposed to having a conversation about children etc (he was 39 at the time), he just didn't want to be 'bullied' into a corner and made to feel ridiculous for not providing a response about 'well, do you want them in the next couple of years, or not'

anthurium · 15/10/2021 16:57

*male friend said to me it feels like - sorry for the typos

DyingForACuppa · 15/10/2021 18:14

If online dating put it in profile, & then make it clear on first date that having a family is a priority for you and it's a waste of both your time if he's not already decided he wants kids and is willing to have them soon (if he meets the right person, obviously, he doesn't have to decide if that's you after one date ).

Lots of guys will act like this is completely unreasonable but you don't want any of them so weed them out now.

Wasting months/multiple dates before you broach the subject will just make it more pressured when you do find the right guy.

If this was a career aspiration - i.e. you were hoping to move to the New York office within the next year would you feel shy about mentioning it? Or would you think it sensible to let a guy know honestly where your life is headed?

MRex · 15/10/2021 18:24

I've just remembered, we talked about having a child on date 2. DH said he definitely wanted one, but only one, and he had stuff to do first. I pointed out I'd have limited time and he said fair enough, noted. 3 years later we looked at schools with houses and agreed when the offer went on that contraception stopped if it was accepted. He still hasn't done any of the things, but we'd checked in over the time and it was just a known plan for us. So obviously everything depends, but focus more on whether you get "yes, I'd love to have a child" than minor blocks of a nervous guy on a date. (And be aware, if he says he wants only one, then probably just one. That's ok for me, maybe not for you.)

anotherworkingsunday · 15/10/2021 18:26

OP, I met my partner at 34, started trying when I turned 36. Three pregnancy losses later.. no baby yet.

I would seriously consider going it alone at your age. Yes, you could meet someone tomorrow, but if motherhood is that important to you, I would not leave it to chance. I would keep on dating (and be honest with them about what you are looking for), but also get the ball rolling on potential sperm donation, etc.

BurbageBrook · 15/10/2021 18:38

I’m younger than you but still mentioned that I wanted kids to my partner very, very early on. Maybe date 3? You’re not asking him ‘have kids with me right now’ but it’s perfectly reasonable not to want to waste your time.

BurbageBrook · 15/10/2021 18:40

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss that sounds quite immature as a response — lots of people only want to date others who want kids. Bumble and Plenty of Fish let you pre-select for that.

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