to ask why people say this?

[Somanytwins]

Lighthearted!

If you stop someone with twins in public and say "double trouble" or "you must have your hands full" why do you do it? I've had this non-stop and I was just wondering why. Also, do you realise that it's the most unoriginal thing to say to someone with twins? I'm always super friendly to everyone who inconveniences me stops to talk to me whilst I'm minding my own business but it does get tedious when each person says the same thing and I wonder if they realise they're the 20th person to say it that day.

Again, lighthearted!

I think asking if twins are natural or ivf is rude and that would make me cross.
The comment about being identical made me laugh.
My twin nephews are totally different and dd's friend insisted they couldn't be twins because they didn't look the same. She was only 11 at the time though.
I don't approach mothers of twins. I usually just smile and walk on. Shame because I love babies but I know the mums are busy.

I don't have twins but I have three children close in age and the amount of times I have heard 'ooh you've got your hands full!', especially when they were all 4 and under, is ridiculous! I can only imagine how often this is said to parents of twins.

Saying that, I did have my hands full so I kind of took it as an expression of sympathy, and in that way it was quite comforting. These kind of comments are usually well-intended and I try to take them that way.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that having twins comes with an element of performativity which can be challenging when you're having a shitty day!

It happens more with twins, I'm sure but this statement is true of anyone with a newborn or small children. People generally are kind & want to say something nice.

Sure when it's a tough day you might not feel like engaging much but I think you are really being quite precious. It would be far worse if we ignored mums & kids. It's not that big a deal to smile & acknowledge even where you've heard it before.

@TwinsandTrifle

Isn't it nice they are remarking on your lovely babies?

The fact you even say this, means you don't understand what it's like. And why would you. You don't have twins.

I had 3 DC under 4. I got lots of 'hands full' kind of comments. I appreciated them, to be honest, they were kind & I think those micro social interactions are important & valuable.

Just to let you know, the only thing twin parents find more irritating than the fact you can not go anywhere without twenty strangers repeating the same thing to you, all day, every day, are people who try and make out they're similar because they've got children close in age.

Just be assured. You're absolutely not.

Oh give over. It's lovely you have twins. It doesn't make you special & plenty of us have found it very challenging with small DC.

I was drawing parallels with the comments people make, not how similar or otherwise it is having twins / small children.

Honestly, your entitlement is unreal 🙄

people who try and make out they're similar because they've got children close in age.

For clarity, I didn't do this.

I talked about how micro interactions were often important when you have small DC

That's all

I think it’s just something to say... like “How do you do?” or “Nice weather today!”
My daughter has a beautiful big eyes and we hear “What big eyes!” everywhere we go. It does annoy her now. They mean no harm by it. It’s just something to say. I’d rather they said “Hello”. I say “you’ve got you hands full” to my childminder friend all the time...because she clearly does.

When I found out I was pregnant with DC number 3 after having 2 girls I was asked several times by random people...you know what I'm going to say...

"Are you trying for a boy?"

No I fucking wasn't

I don't know what the obsession is with sex and babies - I have boy girl twins and apparently that consisted the luckiest and holy grail of all twins 🤷🏻‍♀️- i constantly get strangers saying to me that since I've managed one of each I don't ever have to do it again - I usually reply that I'm trying for triplets next 😂

@tiggerwhocamefortea

I don't know what the obsession is with sex and babies - I have boy girl twins and apparently that consisted the luckiest and holy grail of all twins 🤷🏻‍♀️- i constantly get strangers saying to me that since I've managed one of each I don't ever have to do it again - I usually reply that I'm trying for triplets next 😂

Oh my god, this! How "clever" we are, for this complete fluke of nature, particularly DH.

We "don't need anymore now, obviously" as well.

Oh give over. It's lovely you have twins. It doesn't make you special & plenty of us have found it very challenging with small DC.

Please don't project that I'm calling us "special" as if we're hallowed when my point is, it's not the same. We are special in the sense that we are a very small group of parents and experience things specific to that group. I have other DC too. I have the direct experience of the difference.

I was drawing parallels with the comments people make, not how similar or otherwise it is having twins / small children.

You can't draw parallels, that's my whole point. The ten times you may have had a passing person tell you that with more than one child, "you have your hands full" to our one hundred and ten, and that's not even the point. The frequency and relentless repetition of people who will literally cross the road to come and let you know what they have to say, or hover round your car as you're trying to get them into a supermarket trolley. "Ah, twins how lovely, (there I've been pleasant, now I'll launch into all my questions and stories...) Are they identical? Which one's the naughty one? Bet your husband's in the office a lot! Were they natural? Do they run in the family? They look like each other. They don't look like each other. Did you want one of each? Aren't you lucky you got one of each, no more for you eh! Double trouble. My mum's neighbour is a twin. I went to school with twins. It's nice you don't dress them the same. Why don't you dress them the same, they'd look sweet? Who's the eldest? Oh, she doesn't smile as much as him. Look at that, she's got blue eyes and he's got brown."

Now try that, like OP says, in every aisle of the supermarket. OP has even been back to reiterate this, as she put exactly that people were missing the point of what she was saying, it's not just "people commenting on lovely babies".

*I talked about how micro interactions were often important when you have small DC"

Do you see the difference now. Can you see what you had/have you enjoyed as important interactions, are not what we deal with. It's like harassment, but you know it's not coming from a bad place, and they don't realise they're the fifth person to say all this and you've only been in the shop 20 minutes. If you dare to suggest to the 6th person that you don't have the time to chat, then we are rude. Sorry, I don't have two spare hours to engage with everyone who wants to say their piece.

I've had to on more than one occasion, stop teenagers covertly filming them over their shoulders, in a coffee shop, and in a restaurant, because they can go on their Snapchat/insta whatever #coffeewithfriends #thosetwinstho.

I remember the first time my friend came for a trip to the coffee shop with DTwins. The people who stopped as we parked and were trying to get them into their buggy. The other people who came over on the walk into town. The separate people in the coffee shop queue all with their identical comments. The numerous people who came over to our table to let me know I had twins, and then start with their questions/observations/twin related stories. Same on the way back to the car.

I remember her getting back into the car, exasperated, saying "fucking hell, is it like this all the time?! How do you get anything done". Yep.

My friend is a twin. Her mother had two sets, of identicals. I can't imagine how she ever left the house. And not because of the babies. "TWO SETS?......."

I had babies four months apart in age, it always messed with people's heads because no-one could figure out if they were twins or not (they weren't, they were unrelated) and how I could have babies as I am clearly well into my late 50s. Now I have an 18 month old, a 5 month old and a dog. The comments we get when we are out and about...

I foster

Twice the joy is a lovely thing to say. However, I would still be thinking "twice the work".

@ThePoisonousMushroom

I don’t have twins but have 3 young DC. I always get ‘you’ve got your hands full’. Or when I was pregnant with number 3 ‘haven’t you got a telly?’. People say dull, annoying things whatever your circumstances.

Some horrible woman once asked me whether I'd heard of contraception when I said I had 3 kids 😡 They were all planned babies, cf.

@CharleyMarley

Twice the joy is a lovely thing to say. However, I would still be thinking "twice the work".

fair

They are twice the joy, twice the love, twice the first words, twice the cuddles. Also twice the nappies, twice the baths, twice the bedtimes. Twice the space. Twice the everything, simultaneously. They are fabulous and different all wrapped up in a twin bundle. They speak their own unique language to each other. I adore them. And when they aren't wrestling each other for my slippers (why these are so desirable, only they can say) they adore each other.

We're not grumpy people. Or "precious and entitled" . When threads like this crop up, and people are "oh, I imagine it's a bit more for you, but that's applicable for allll children", once I've stopped laughing, I think, oh, if only you were a fly on the wall, just for 48hrs. But naturally, people will pretty much go with their theoretical perception of that experience, if they've never had that experience.

@TwinsandTrifle

My God. What a long, self-involved post.

I don't have any experience of having twins, or receiving comments about them, that's true.

I know I absolutely with have found it hard, no doubt about it.

However, many people face a range of challenges particular to themselves, that you can have no idea about.

For example, in my case, when I had a newborn, 2 yo & not quite 4 yo, I was in an abusive marriage, with no support. Most of my time was spent crying privately, wondering what I was going to do. When I was out, many many times kind well-meaning strangers leaned in & said, 'enjoy them!', 'time flies past' and so on. I smiled & nodded but used to feel desperate, thinking of how every day felt like a year, and how I didn't know how I was going to survive, let alone enjoy it!

So, my point is there are challenges in all our lives, and we all react differently to those commonplace interactions. What you describe does sound exhausting (all those comments) but I absolutely stand by my own experience of many occasions of well-meant comments that cut to the quick. Not the fault at all of the people commenting, and your overwrought depiction of all those interacting with you & your twins sounds incredibly self-indulgent.

And actually, I absolutely would have found twins hard, as I said. However it's not a definite thing that twins automatically equal 'harder'.

Of course it might.

But if someone had DTs, as their first babies, with support in place, v someone - like me - trying to juggle a school run, couple month old baby & toddler, no support from H, no other family locally, at a very low ebb, having to leave the house at a certain time etc, I am not prepared to agree that that would be harder.

I know what I describe is very common, I don't say it to eke out sympathy at all. It's just to say having DC can be challenging in a myriad ways, and those are particular to each person, not necessarily to do with having twins or not.

I think people are just trying to be friendly. Lots of people love twins because they're so uncommon.

Jesus, you're beyond missing the point. And kind of funny that you've just banged on about your life which has zero to do with the subject matter and called someone who is directly addressing the subject matter "self involved". You've called one twin mum entitled, and another precious. The thread was started by a mother of twins, commenting on the (friendly mostly) harassment that happens specifically alongside that.

The fact you were miserable with singleton children because of your individual circumstances is really sad to hear, and I hope you are removed from a bad situation now.

Still bears no relevance to what OP was talking about, or me. I.e the subject of this thread.

Sorry you had a bad time. It's got bugger all to do with twin parents, what our experiences are, and your name calling to twin mothers because you've had a bad time with a completely unrelated issue, is shameful.

However, many people face a range of challenges particular to themselves, that you can have no idea about.

Oh, the irony.

And actually, I absolutely would have found twins hard, as I said. However it's not a definite thing that twins automatically equal 'harder'.

And this is your whole demeanour. That you have it "harder". Why are you in such competition? You've missed the whole point of the thread. Twins don't equal harder. No one's said that, other than you projecting that's what people mean.

We are literally followed by people, who might say something as trivial as "ah, twins, lovely" or as invasive as "did you have them naturally". Followed. Stopped. Interrupted. One couple pulled up a chair at my table in the cafe in Marks and Sparks to declare they were commencing interrogation. How self indulgent of me. And it's tedious, and irritating, intrusive, repetitive, rude. You do get that this is what happens to us, irrespective of what anyone's non twin related life entails.

The fact we experience something that you don't, shouldn't mean you have to try and compete to show in an unconnected way you've got it "harder." I don't have it "hard" at all. The hassle from other people when you leave the house with twins is fucking irritating amongst a myriad of other things, and a stand alone issue.