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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk to school about my friend

65 replies

whatshouldIdoo · 14/10/2021 07:24

We have some great friends who we see all the time, holiday together etc. Our children are best friends.
Both parents are very cautious about all things health related, even pre pandemic sanitising hands all the time, keeping the kids off school if mildly unwell.

At that time I just thought each to the own, everyone has their own style of parenting and it's none of my business.

Years ago the mum talked to me a little about this health anxiety, it stems from the trauma of losing someone to a minor ailment which got worse. We don't talk about it much but I've listened, suggested seeing the GP and mentioned things that have helped me in the past.
Covid has made it much worse and I don't think she has sought help yet. She seems to think it is under control, but this is just by her controlling her environment to such an extent that the anxiety isn't triggered.

Where I'm concerned is the impact it has on the kids, they are kept off school for things as minor as a runny nose and PCR tested all the time.
Hay fever season means they are kept inside with the windows closed for fear of it being triggered.

If they have a cold they are kept at home, wrapped up warm until at least a day after it has disappeared. A twisted ankle would need to be wrapped and raised and not moved until it's better. You get the picture.

The kids are really bright so missing the academic part of school isn't an issue but I see the impact it has on their mental health and well-being. They have developed anxiety in these areas, noticing any minor ailment and have fears and phobias of certain things health related.

I read a thread with people who grew up with parents with similar things who said they wished an other adult had stepped in. As the adult closest to the situation I think that it has got to the point where I can't just stand by and let them grow up thinking this is normal.

Would I be unreasonable to talk to one of the teachers at school about my concerns so they can help support them too?

They are such lovely people and I'm scared about losing them as friends if I stick my nose in too far.

OP posts:
Twickerhun · 14/10/2021 07:27

Speak to school. The school must have concerns re absence? They probably need the context which you can give

Stormwhale · 14/10/2021 07:32

I think the school would not really be able to do much. It would be classed as hearsay (this is what I was told in a similar situation). I was encouraged to speak to social services as the school can then act on information from them, but not just from another parent.

Porcupineintherough · 14/10/2021 07:45

I m not sure what the school could do to change things. Seems to me you'd be much better bringing up your concerns with your friend or the children's father

Throughabushbackwards · 14/10/2021 07:46

Do speak to the school. If they have robust safeguarding practices in place they will take it down as a concern.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 14/10/2021 07:48

Not a very responsive school if they have not noted this and progressing with the mother.

If they haven’t, then I doubt you saying anything will generate much of a response

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 14/10/2021 07:48

@Throughabushbackwards

Do speak to the school. If they have robust safeguarding practices in place they will take it down as a concern.
Clearly they don’t or this would have been flagged already
Original poster
whatshouldIdoo · 14/10/2021 07:52

School would have noticed a high rate of absence but because of Covid I think they are less on the ball around this the last couple of years.
If you say your child has a cough, they won't be encouraging them to come in. I think that knowing the context could help school make the decision to talk to the parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatshouldIdoo · 14/10/2021 07:57

@Porcupineintherough

How would you position it with a talk with the mum? She'd be devastated if I said that I thought her anxiety was impacting on the kids.

I feel that if I speak to the dad then I'm going behind the mums back a bit and she would be upset if it got back to her.

OP posts:
Soundnlight · 14/10/2021 07:59

I think you shouldn't interfere. No matter how well thought this is, it's each to their own. You do sound like you care about their kids but there is so much going on in other persons life, much more than you think you know. So let them handle it their way
School will take up on the absence matter if they deem it to be necessary. You are their friend so try to support them when they need or ask but I wouldn't contact school at all.

Porcupineintherough · 14/10/2021 08:02

But you do think that her health anxiety is adversely affecting her kids. So you either tackle that with her directly (you can do this kindly with concern) or you are going to be going behind her back. I would assume she'd be happier with you speaking to her husband than running to the school.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 14/10/2021 08:03

@whatshouldIdoo

School would have noticed a high rate of absence but because of Covid I think they are less on the ball around this the last couple of years. If you say your child has a cough, they won't be encouraging them to come in. I think that knowing the context could help school make the decision to talk to the parents.
How old are the children?
MelKarnofskyCrane · 14/10/2021 08:04

Are the parents together? If so he must know and agree with her surely?? I know if I started keeping my kids off school for spurious reasons and fretting about their health, my husband would intervene pretty quickly.

MagnoliaBeige · 14/10/2021 08:07

I think it’s a crappy thing to do to go straight to the school without attempting to raise it with her. If you’re as close friends as you say, you should be able to broach this with her.

SentDeliveredRead · 14/10/2021 08:08

I agree with @Soundnlight, leave them be. It may not be our way of parenting but it's their way of keeping their children safe.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/10/2021 08:09

I have a neighbour like this too, so I'm interested to see if there is anything that can actually be done. In her mind, she's a brilliant, caring parent who goes above and beyond to help her children. She would probably, privately, think most of us are cruel to send our children to school when they are 'so poorly'. I don't suppose you can force a parent, non-covid times, to send a child to school when they believe they're in the right to keep them off with a 'terrible cold' (ie sneezes once in 24 hours).

Aderyn21 · 14/10/2021 08:09

You can't interfere unless you are fully prepared to have your friendship end. If one of my friends thought it was okay to speak to my children's school about me, we would absolutely be done. Even though you are motivated by a genuine desire to help.
At best you can talk to the mum and say that as her good friend you are worried that her reaction to minor illness is disproportionate and that you fully understand how this came about, but as an outside observer you feel her fears are having an impact that she might not want. But tread very carefully. She is likely to be really sensitive about this and the most likely outcome is that she withdraws from the friendship.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 14/10/2021 08:21

Appalling school if they were to reveal the OP

If what the op says is correct. The children are off a LOT and very anxious
The school should have noted and reason enough to raise with parent without saying they’ve been reported as concerning by another parent fgs

Original poster
whatshouldIdoo · 14/10/2021 08:23

@MelKarnofskyCrane yes the parents are together. We are close friends with both of them. The mum and dad went through the same trauma together so he is cautious too but not to the extent of his wife. He is supportive of her decisions though (as you'd expect a lovely husband and to be).
Maybe I'll try and talk to him.
Gosh, I'm just not sure how to put it though.
I've been wanting to speak to you about xx health anxiety. She seems quite over cautious about things health related. Is this something that I can support her with at all? ... and then see if he opens up?

I've tried to get my husband to talk to him about it and offer support as they are also best friends but apparently it's not the sort of thing men talk about 🙄

OP posts:
Reallyimeanreally2022 · 14/10/2021 08:25

Did you husband actually say that OP??!
A certain type of man perhaps. But sure as heck not all men.

Aderyn21 · 14/10/2021 08:25

Schools are notoriously bad at confidentiality. If OP were to contact them, then she'd do best to assume it will get back.
But tbh, if OP is discussing her friend with the school then she should level with her and not make the woman feel suspicious of everyone she knows. It would be horrible to not know who has secretly been talking about her.

AuntDympna · 14/10/2021 08:28

You sound like a lovely caring person. Be there for your friend and her kids. Bear in mind that she might not have told you everything - health matters are private and deeply traumatic. She might have a real reason to be cautious.
If you haven't seen a parent, sibling, or child go from healthy to deaths door within a few minutes, it is very hard to imagine. The mere names of the conditions that do this can be taboo. Telling the school could be a nightmare for your friend on top of an already difficult life.

Mumdiva99 · 14/10/2021 08:29

Could you wait until a child is off with a minor ailment and then raise it? Honestly I don't think you will get that far.....
....I would mention to the teacher that you are a little worried....again when the child is absent. Explain you love the family and theu ate your friends but you are concerned for the kids. The school will hopefully listen. And it may help the school address the children's absence. If they aren't off so much that it is triggering concerns then it's possibly not as much as you think.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 14/10/2021 08:29

@AuntDympna

You sound like a lovely caring person. Be there for your friend and her kids. Bear in mind that she might not have told you everything - health matters are private and deeply traumatic. She might have a real reason to be cautious. If you haven't seen a parent, sibling, or child go from healthy to deaths door within a few minutes, it is very hard to imagine. The mere names of the conditions that do this can be taboo. Telling the school could be a nightmare for your friend on top of an already difficult life.
If it’s a “nightmare” then it’s a crap school
Aderyn21 · 14/10/2021 08:29

Maybe you could say that you are worried about her and would she consider some counseling to help her

converseandjeans · 14/10/2021 08:30

How would you position it with a talk with the mum? She'd be devastated if I said that I thought her anxiety was impacting on the kids.

Well she would be more devastated if you spoke to school surely? I think you need to speak to her before school.

I think school should start following up absences now. But that's up to them to instigate.