To talk to school about my friend

[whatshouldIdoo]

We have some great friends who we see all the time, holiday together etc. Our children are best friends.
Both parents are very cautious about all things health related, even pre pandemic sanitising hands all the time, keeping the kids off school if mildly unwell.

At that time I just thought each to the own, everyone has their own style of parenting and it's none of my business.

Years ago the mum talked to me a little about this health anxiety, it stems from the trauma of losing someone to a minor ailment which got worse. We don't talk about it much but I've listened, suggested seeing the GP and mentioned things that have helped me in the past.
Covid has made it much worse and I don't think she has sought help yet. She seems to think it is under control, but this is just by her controlling her environment to such an extent that the anxiety isn't triggered.

Where I'm concerned is the impact it has on the kids, they are kept off school for things as minor as a runny nose and PCR tested all the time.
Hay fever season means they are kept inside with the windows closed for fear of it being triggered.

If they have a cold they are kept at home, wrapped up warm until at least a day after it has disappeared. A twisted ankle would need to be wrapped and raised and not moved until it's better. You get the picture.

The kids are really bright so missing the academic part of school isn't an issue but I see the impact it has on their mental health and well-being. They have developed anxiety in these areas, noticing any minor ailment and have fears and phobias of certain things health related.

I read a thread with people who grew up with parents with similar things who said they wished an other adult had stepped in. As the adult closest to the situation I think that it has got to the point where I can't just stand by and let them grow up thinking this is normal.

Would I be unreasonable to talk to one of the teachers at school about my concerns so they can help support them too?

They are such lovely people and I'm scared about losing them as friends if I stick my nose in too far.

You sound very caring but I don’t think you need to speak to the school. They will have the children’s attendance records so will know they have been missing lots of school. If they have concerns they will address it directly with the parents.

@Reallyimeanreally2022
This is what I'm thinking.. they would have reason to speak to the parents about the high absence rate anyway. Probably haven't yet as they are good parents but a little context could give them the info they need to offer proper support.

I know them so well and they would take on board anything that school told them. They are very focussed on 'doing the right thing'

Things I think would help from school that I can't provide with the same authority would be:
-Reassurance from school that they are happy with the kids being sent in with a cold / sore throat / watery eyes etc.
-A chat about how kids need some exposure to germs and it is is a normal part of good health.
-A chat about powering through some minor ailments builds resilience. When they are adults they would be expected to go to work with these conditions.
-Signposting to support for health anxiety.

Op how old are the children?

What are you hoping the school will do? Especially now with covid?

Going and reporting her to the school is a horrible thing to do, they will say 'a parent' has contacted them, and she will either have her suspicions its you, or she will be suspicious of everyone, maybe even confide in you, and sitting listening to her concerns, knowing it was you, is very cruel.

The best thing to do is to raise it with her. She will know herself that she is being paranoid. My dd had, what I thought was, a cold and ended up nearly dying having a major op, and in hospital for 2 months, ammeter that I had her at the docs over every symptom, and I knew I was being ridiculous, but couldn't help it. It took the GP chatting to me to realise others could see it too.

It takes a big person to be honest with their friend about something like this, it might be just what she needs.

I wouldn’t. This is relatively low level.
I would instead, ignore the child aspect and focus on the mum. Ask her how she is feeling, be a good listener. Share when you have been afraid but having looked at the evidence decided it was okay. In a gentle way, support her. That will have a far bigger impact than talking to school. This is SS threshold so they really can’t do a lot about mum really anxious and don’t have the relationship. It would likely just make her more anxious.

^this isnt SS threshold

It is odd op
That you are apparently so so so close

And yet you can’t bring yourself to talk to her

You can also do things like share anxiety social media posts and sign post to local services.

But ultimately a parent being a bit over cautious about their child’s health isn’t a reason to go nuclear. Most people would react very badly to being reported to the school. You could lose your friendship and (as importantly) schools aren’t the right place for this. This is exactly a friend to friend kind of situation.

The school I have experience.of would call the parents in for a chat about what is going on absence rates/illness. This wouldn't be a surprise as they are obliged to monitor absence rates and issue letters if it falls below a certain level. This has stopped during Covid though. They can also insist the parents produce a doctor's letter for each absence.

I don't know what you can do but my DH has health anxiety that I suspect came from his mother behaving like this. It's a bloody nightmare and I have told him he needs to try and sort it out before it impacts the DC any further. CBT and drugs can help (and my DH is making some progress with this).

The problem is that, as implausible as it may seem to one on the outside, the illnesses she thinks her DC have are probably as real to her as the houses and trees around us. So she might not even really know which behaviours she needs to cut out, and almost certainly can't tell the difference between a justifiable health concern and one created by her anxiety, even when it is obvious to others.

I think I'd talk to the DH. He might actually want to step in but lack the confidence. Although you say he is lovely to support her, actually he's reinforcing her behaviour and keeping the whole family trapped. He's probably the only one who can get her to try and address it.

I am not sure the right answer but I do think you need to do something, yes. And yes, it might impact your friendship.

Is it possible that next time the kids have colds, you bustle in bright and breezy saying, "it's a lovely day, a brisk walk will clear their sinuses and make them feel much better" or similar and if and when she starts to really push back you tackle it then and there, head on?

Or alternatively, take her out for a coffee or a drink and sit her down and tell her you love her but you are concerned. Go armed with information from credible sources and details of whatever support might be available locally.

The problem with the school is that at best, they might bring the children in to talk to their school nurse or counsellor or whatever. But unless the children then present with very obvious health anxiety, I am not sure they'd be able to do much. They certainly can't act on heresay from another parent.

@Reallyimeanreally2022
Primary aged

Mmm, my mother in law is a little bit dramatic over medical things - minor to major things her reaction is similar.
Due to this her daughter has more worries over medical problems than she does. If you have a cold she doesn’t want to be near you. Won’t get the vaccine because it will hurt (but wants it to be protected).
My husband used to be very similar - hated needles would panic if he needed a blood test.

My mum would always be very blazé over medical things, including the dentist, so my outlook is also the same. And I have since shown my husband this and he has also taken on ny stance that these things aren’t as big of a deal as his mum makes out.

I think you should have a frank discussion with your friend about her problems with health anxiety and not her parenting as this may well end badly. If you can change her perception then she will hopefully change her childrens’.

How come so close
For so long
But can’t have a chat over a coffee
Instead went to go straight for the nuclear button

I really can't see what the school could do? I mean I'm sure you don't want the kids removed and put in care? Besides, I'd imagine this is nowhere near the threshold for removing kids. And what magical support do you think they could provide that would improve the situation?

I wouldn’t talk to the school personally, I’m sure they will be aware of attendance issues and will flag it with them when it reaches a certain level. She needs counselling so I’d gently ask her to seek it.

He is supportive of her decisions though (as you'd expect a lovely husband and to be)

I don’t think I agree it’s so lovely. I mean obviously I see where you’re coming from but he needs to be a good father first and foremost. You don’t just blindly support.

It’s also being a good husband to say “actually I think you’re wrong…” sometimes.

If you go to the school I think your friendship is over and your friend will have lost a good source of support. I don't think the school will actually achieve anything as it's obviously not a SS threshold. I would continue to support your friend and perhaps have a very frank conversation with her about your worries and how you have considered whether the school would benefit from knowing, this may be enough to make her realise how concerned you are without you having to actually talk to the school.

Keep out of it. School will have noted absences and will take action or give support when it’s necessary. A great deal of time is spent on safeguarding - you won’t know to what extent, nor should you. Leave the school to do what is required.

They can also insist the parents produce a doctor's letter for each absence.

No they can't

@Reallyimeanreally2022
We see each other every day and most weekends. We have chatted about the anxiety to the point where it feels comfortable.
A conversation where I'm challenging her choices isn't one I feel comfortable having.

The reason I am considering talking to school is that I think they can offer her the reassurance that it is fine to send the kids in to school better than I can and support her by reassuring her on what is normal.

'Nuclear' would be calling social services or something, I'm not suggesting that.

@Comedycook

Things I think would help from school that I can't provide with the same authority would be:
-Reassurance from school that they are happy with the kids being sent in with a cold / sore throat / watery eyes etc.
-A chat about how kids need some exposure to germs and it is is a normal part of good health.
-A chat about powering through some minor ailments builds resilience. When they are adults they would be expected to go to work with these conditions.
-Signposting to support for health anxiety.

Tell the school

It helps to build a picture. Especially if there are other concerns.

Are there any teachers out there who can tell me if this is something that primary school would help with?

It is a lovely school so I would have presumed they would have a supportive chat...

[quote whatshouldIdoo]@Reallyimeanreally2022
This is what I'm thinking.. they would have reason to speak to the parents about the high absence rate anyway. Probably haven't yet as they are good parents but a little context could give them the info they need to offer proper support.

I know them so well and they would take on board anything that school told them. They are very focussed on 'doing the right thing'

Things I think would help from school that I can't provide with the same authority would be:
-Reassurance from school that they are happy with the kids being sent in with a cold / sore throat / watery eyes etc.
-A chat about how kids need some exposure to germs and it is is a normal part of good health.
-A chat about powering through some minor ailments builds resilience. When they are adults they would be expected to go to work with these conditions.
-Signposting to support for health anxiety.
[/quote]
The thing is, YOU could say all these things to her, too, and I think she’d take it to heart more coming from another loving parent, than from school. She could dismiss anything they say as them only being worried about their attendance figures, and not actually caring about her children.

I think a better response is likely to happen if you speak to her, as someone she trusts.