To talk to school about my friend

[whatshouldIdoo]

We have some great friends who we see all the time, holiday together etc. Our children are best friends.
Both parents are very cautious about all things health related, even pre pandemic sanitising hands all the time, keeping the kids off school if mildly unwell.

At that time I just thought each to the own, everyone has their own style of parenting and it's none of my business.

Years ago the mum talked to me a little about this health anxiety, it stems from the trauma of losing someone to a minor ailment which got worse. We don't talk about it much but I've listened, suggested seeing the GP and mentioned things that have helped me in the past.
Covid has made it much worse and I don't think she has sought help yet. She seems to think it is under control, but this is just by her controlling her environment to such an extent that the anxiety isn't triggered.

Where I'm concerned is the impact it has on the kids, they are kept off school for things as minor as a runny nose and PCR tested all the time.
Hay fever season means they are kept inside with the windows closed for fear of it being triggered.

If they have a cold they are kept at home, wrapped up warm until at least a day after it has disappeared. A twisted ankle would need to be wrapped and raised and not moved until it's better. You get the picture.

The kids are really bright so missing the academic part of school isn't an issue but I see the impact it has on their mental health and well-being. They have developed anxiety in these areas, noticing any minor ailment and have fears and phobias of certain things health related.

I read a thread with people who grew up with parents with similar things who said they wished an other adult had stepped in. As the adult closest to the situation I think that it has got to the point where I can't just stand by and let them grow up thinking this is normal.

Would I be unreasonable to talk to one of the teachers at school about my concerns so they can help support them too?

They are such lovely people and I'm scared about losing them as friends if I stick my nose in too far.

@Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss
This is primary school.
I'm suggesting school have a supportive chat, that is not the same as saying that it is a matter for social services.

Reassurance from school that they are happy with the kids being sent in with a cold / sore throat / watery eyes etc.

This won't happen at the moment, they wouldn't be happy with kids coming in with colds and sore throats.

A chat about how kids need some exposure to germs and it is is a normal part of good health.

Why can't you chat about this with your friend?

A chat about powering through some minor ailments builds resilience. When they are adults they would be expected to go to work with these conditions.

Why can't you chat about this with your friend?

Signposting to support for health anxiety.

Why can't you look into this and help your friend?

Going and reporting her to the school will make her more anxious, not less. Most of the things you want them to say are way outwith the schools remit, once you've went behind her back to report her to the school you can't control where it goes after that.

This woman is your friend, Why are you more comfortable reporting her behind her back than having a slightly uncomfortable conversation?

[quote whatshouldIdoo]@Reallyimeanreally2022
We see each other every day and most weekends. We have chatted about the anxiety to the point where it feels comfortable.
A conversation where I'm challenging her choices isn't one I feel comfortable having.

The reason I am considering talking to school is that I think they can offer her the reassurance that it is fine to send the kids in to school better than I can and support her by reassuring her on what is normal.

'Nuclear' would be calling social services or something, I'm not suggesting that.[/quote]
Why do you need to “challenge her choices”

This is a best friend expressing concern about her mental health.

@MrsTulipTattsyrup
I do in a gentle kind of way mention these things, mostly in relation to my own kids and why I'm letting them do certain things.
One worry she has is about passing germs on to other families. I am always saying said it's not something I would worry about and if my kid caught a germ from hers I wouldn't be worried, but I think she may think that is just me which is why I thought someone from school reassuring her would carry more weight.

@ABCeasyasdohrayme
I've answered some of this below.

They are things I have talked about with her over the years. I have had the conversation about CBT, how it has helped me with anxiety in the past. Similarly medication, suggested a GP at our surgery who I know is helpful with mental health issues.
She was going to take action to seek help but then felt she had it under control.

I would talk to the mother again about it. I think it is a tough conversation and it might cause your friendship to end. If you talked to school I'm sure your friend would be so upset and feel betrayed. I think you should say that her health anxiety is affecting others lives and her own. It could be a wake up call to getting more help for herself which could improve things for the whole family. You are obviously a good friend so hopefully we can all take these home truths on board when offered from a supportive place.

It honestly doesn't sound like you've had a conversation with her about her problems.

Hinting at it isn't working.

I honestly can't get my head around the level of friendship you have and your preference to go and report your very good friend to the school rather than sit her down and have a tough conversation with her.

Can you imagine someone who is feeling that anxious anyway being told another parent reported her to the school.

What would you do if she told you about it? Sit there and sympathise, knowing it was you, and have her suspicious of everyone in her life?

Sorry - had only read pg 1 and 2. I see you have been doing that already! Well I think maybe give it one more go be more forthright covering some of the points other people have mentioned. Good Luck with this, sounds very tricky.

@ABCeasyasdohrayme
I would expect the school to just use it as background info so they can offer the best support when they follow up on the high absence levels.

[quote whatshouldIdoo]@ABCeasyasdohrayme
I would expect the school to just use it as background info so they can offer the best support when they follow up on the high absence levels. [/quote]
Once you make the report about your friend you can't control what happens after that though.

Again, what will you do when the school tells your friend that another parent reported her and she confides in you about it?

@Ukholidaysaregreat
I guess what I haven't done yet which some suggest is the 'we need to talk' type of chat where I say I am concerned for her.
I have mentioned support over the years when she has raised it or when I ask how her anxiety is etc.

I haven't said explicitly that we need to talk about this as it is impacting others.
Mainly because I think it would cause her to withdraw.

In the end though, this is her family and her business. You could cause more harm than good if you aren't careful and I think it will cost you a friendship that you value. You can help her more by just doing what you are currently doing.

I agree that your friend’s anxiety is a cause for concern. But surely the school will already be aware that she’s keeping her DC off school a lot with colds? When we’ve kept one of our DDs off school, we’ve always been asked what’s wrong with them.

I’m not sure that you would be telling them anything that they don’t already know. (Apart from maybe the health anxiety, but they probably suspect that anyway!)

She needs your support as a friend, not for you to go behind her back and talk to the school about her.

Schools are not always as helpful as they could be and you don't really know what they would do with this information. I'd hate to be your friend trying to negotiate with them about another issue with their child and have this thrown at her. Going behind her back and reporting her to the school is probably the easiest way to end your friendship. Why should she trust you in future?

Equally From your DH reaction, he doesn't sound like he has the level of diplomacy required, why ask him to do something you can obviously do so much better yourself?

If you are as close as you say you are, then be brave and talk to her directly about it. Maybe she's dying to talk to someone who cares. Your convo doesn't have to come across as critical, perhaps she just needs a kind listener who can indicate issues where she may be unduly anxious and encourage her to talk to a proper therapist. Maybe do a bit of research first.

Looked at your post again.. it sounds like the anxiety is rooted in a previous bereavement.. and it sounds like she hasn't really got over this. Maybe that is the way to approach it having had a look first about what might be available. You know her well so you should take the bull by the horns and speak to her honestly and directly about it. I think I would prefer that to random hints, which might get annoying after a while as it could just be interpreted as criticism when inserted into the conversation out of context. Or misunderstood as you being more understanding about germs than other parents.