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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about MIL's apparent lack of safety awareness with my toddler?

59 replies

AugustSeptemberOctober · 13/10/2021 16:03

I will start by saying that this is absolutely not a MIL-bashing thread, mine is lovely and I think the world of her!

I have left my 20 month old with her a few times now, mainly because she has been very keen to and it's been a help when I've had to go to appointments etc. I really appreciate the help. However, a couple of things have worried me a bit and it's made me nervous about leaving her. It's mainly that she doesn't properly toddler-proof her house before visits - eg. I once had to stop DD from picking up an ant poison trap. Yesterday I got back and DD was eating a bowl of whole grapes! Are these things that people really should know, or have times just changed since MIL had young children? I have obviously gently mentioned things as I've noticed them, but it worries me that one day something will happen. Am I just being a bit precious? I'm not sure.

OP posts:
MancMum2000 · 13/10/2021 16:07

That would worry me too, I wouldn’t leave her there again. Could MIL babysit at your house instead as a compromise?

hotmeatymilk · 13/10/2021 16:09

The grapes would terrify me. You’re not being precious; they can kill.

The ant poison sounds like my parents: “oh, the chainsaw is on the floor because we’re going to put it back in the shed” Hmm I deal with them by doing a whistle stop house check, and prepping snack type stuff.

TumtumTree · 13/10/2021 16:13

I think the advice on cutting up grapes is new since your MIL had babies. It may seem obvious to us, but not to her.

MerryMarigold · 13/10/2021 16:14

The grapes is fairly normal behavior, if ill advised. I work in a preschool and we get lots of 3yos coming in with uncut grapes in their packed lunches. We ask every term for them to be cut... And still!

thelegohooverer · 13/10/2021 16:22

I think when you have young dc you are very much in a zone, and it’s shocking how quickly you lose that as they get older. I remember having a guest with a 1 year old when mine were 4 and 5 and suddenly realising that my home had become a death trap!

I think you need to take responsibility for safety checking and just mention those things to her. Hopefully she’ll be happy you spotted and dealt with these things. And she’ll up her game too.

On the other hand some people just won’t get on board. My mil used to light candles and set them out on low tables for mood lighting and couldn’t bear a fire guard, or to move the chair away from the bedroom window, etc so leaving my dc with her unsupervised just wasn’t an option.

Cantstopthewaves · 13/10/2021 16:27

I'd not be leaving dc with her I'm afraid.
It's just not worth the risk.
I'd also feel very uncomfortable pulling her up on things so I'd just make sure she was never unsupervised.

Kittyofwhitby · 13/10/2021 16:50

I can really relate to this post and in my situation I don’t let this relative babysit my child. They are incredibly loving and well intentioned but they just don’t perceive risks. If I told them to cut grapes because of choking risk then they would definitely do it but they wouldn’t perceive this risk without me saying. It’s been a long time since they had children of this age and a lot has developed since then in terms of understanding of risks such as SIDS, choking etc.
It has been heartbreaking for me to have to decline repeated offers by them (and a bit of low level guilt tripping) to mind my child. But I have to put my child’s safety above the feelings of an adult. And ultimately I think this is what I’d recommend you do too. I always think how would I feel if something went wrong heaven forbid. Would I wish that I’d just acted on my gut and not let them mind my child ? Yes for sure I would. So that’s my answer.

DeepaBeesKit · 13/10/2021 16:57

I'm always amazed on mumsnet by how safety obsessed everyone claims to be. In RL none of the mums I know are like this after the pfb. Cupboard childproofing wtc become a bit pointless when older child knows how to open it anyway.

MistyFrequencies · 13/10/2021 16:58

I never knew about the grapes thing until my babies were 3 and 4 years old. They'd been merrily munching away on them for years without me knowing the risk. So I think your MIL can be forgiven here.
Ii would probably talk to her about how you safety proof your house, see can she get in board, she's probably just not aware.
Ultimately though you decide, if you're uncomfortable you don't leave her there.

DeepaBeesKit · 13/10/2021 17:11

If I told them to cut grapes because of choking risk then they would definitely do it but they wouldn’t perceive this risk without me saying.

How patronising - do you really think you would have thought to do this had it not been current guidance? Most people only do it when told to.

KatieB55 · 13/10/2021 17:12

I've asked my DIL to have a quick check round in case I have missed anything. You might have to just check discreetly and move things!

diddl · 13/10/2021 17:16

I didn't know about grapes when mine were young.

Had a feeling that I always cut them to take the seeds out though.

Maybe seedless grapes weren't so prevalent then!

Not sure I'd expect "toddler proofing" as such but certainly for poisons to be out of reach!

I was surprised at how clueless my ILs seemed though.

Not wanting to bother with reins as they could just hold hands-even though they used reins themselves.

I think they thought that the kids would magically do nothing untoward whilst in their careHmm

Aquamarine1029 · 13/10/2021 17:17

No matter how lovely your MIL is, you can't risk your child's safety. You either don't allow her to babysit or you'll need to educate her about certain dangers.

SummerHouse · 13/10/2021 17:25

I found my child deftly opening a cupboard with a child lock on it.
"How did you work that out!?"
"Grandad showed me."
🤦

Upsky · 13/10/2021 17:26

Things change and people forget.
I remember feeling the same when my mother had my DC as babies, obviously it was a long time since she had babies and as a pp said you are hyper aware as a new parent.
If someone gave me a toddler to look after now I wouldn't know where to start. They were allowed grapes when I had mine Wink.

Just gently ask her to be aware of dangers, particularly things that can be picked up off the floor and licked!

CinstonWhurchill · 13/10/2021 17:57

I think it is different generations. As your DH survived she probably thinks she has it covered.

I agree that times and awareness changes. My eldest son ate finger sandwiches and buffett at his 1st b'day party , no probs at all but, to some others horror. He was weaning at 4 months, that was 21 yrs ago! I guess it depends on the child also. I knew my child could eat all that safely and with me present as, i had been there with him every meal time. My youngest child totally different . All children are different and maybe mil is comparing her children with yrs and thinking they have the same understanding.

Maybe start to reinforce to yr child possible hazards at Nans, as you would at home. EG: hot, cold, sore, hurt, not a toy etc . Encourage them to ask for cut grapes only please and be aware to not to touch things at Nanny's. Not to touch Nana's things as that is Nans house. I would tell Nan to remove Ant poison trap though and be aware.

My kids always knew from day dot not to touch Nana's ( my mums ) things but , that was mainly because she cared more about her china and glass than she did her family!!! Needless to say my kids do not bother with her much now they are grown but , they did survive her! More down to me educating my kids to survive her, than her pro active protection of them iyswim.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 13/10/2021 18:29

We used to have ils watch dc at our house.. Ils had open windows upstairs that mil was adamant the dc wouldn't climb out of. And fil's pills apparently didn't look like sweets so would be left alone...
Luckily I had an older dd who usually hovered around anyway!!
And they were def not allowed to drive with dc in the car... Car seats were never left available.. Mil never got out of second gear and she wore glasses to help fil with his driving. Her words.. Ime it's not a favour them having the dc if you worry the whole time!

Blossomtoes · 13/10/2021 18:32

@TumtumTree

I think the advice on cutting up grapes is new since your MIL had babies. It may seem obvious to us, but not to her.
This. I wouldn’t have known about it. I bet most people on this thread were given whole grapes.
Freddiefox · 13/10/2021 18:35

Before you whip him away, talk to her about the grapes and explain your concerns. Maybe she just doesn’t know.

hereforfun · 13/10/2021 18:41

Can someone inform me what's wrong with whole grapes? Don't think I've heard this before

MistyFrequencies · 13/10/2021 18:48

hereforfun I think it's choking risk, if they're full size they can completely block airway, if they're cut it's less likely.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 13/10/2021 18:49

2 dc died near us. One in a pizza hut in front of many families.... Grapes.

ItsSunnyOutside · 13/10/2021 18:59

Going to get bashed for this but I would of thought giving toddlers anything round/oval that could get lodged in the throat would be a seen as a hazard?

The below is taken from an article in The Guardian newspaper {2016}

'Grapes are the third most common cause of death among children who die in food-related choking incidents, and doctors say a lack of awareness among parents, carers and health professionals could be leaving young children at risk'

'The size and shape of grapes means that they can completely plug children’s airways, with the tight seal produced by fruit’s smooth, flexible surface making them tricky to shift with first aid manoeuvres'

statetrooperstacey · 13/10/2021 19:06

My dd had to remind me ( more than once Blush to cut up my dgs grapes, and I’m in my 40s and my youngest is 10!
Just point things out to her, I’m sure she’ll learn quick and your dd will be more robust and less inclined to get into hazardous situations as she gets older so it should sort itself out Grin

hereforfun · 13/10/2021 19:15

@MistyFrequencies

hereforfun I think it's choking risk, if they're full size they can completely block airway, if they're cut it's less likely.
Oh okay thank you. Never heard of this before!